I've been stuck on something for a while, and as we all know, watching random motivational videos on YouTube helps a lot with procrastination.
During my expedition to escape from work, I stumbled upon a video on limerence (surprise surprise, another problem I've been dealing with). I know I don't like this person, because I know nothing about them. I see them from a distance and extrapolate the brief moments they appear close. I also know this started from a moment that did not need to be held in such reverence as I did.
The moment [I feel even more like an embarrassingly blissful romantic as I type this ] - I have seen this person around campus, we are aware of each other's existence, but haven't properly met. One day, I was feeling particularly uncomfortable on campus. I was wearing something I found cute, but the stares from people were not welcoming; most men's gazes were quite literally like a lion's. To be expected from a society that is still deeply rooted in conservative beliefs that see women as objects.
I was aware of this reality, yet the university campus was a safer space compared to most places to me. People expressed themselves freely through their style here.
Like a ray of sun hitting your cheeks on a cold winter day, I see this person, unlike most other people around me, he was not staring at my legs, or chest or whatever seemed to be triggering their thirst for blood. He only looked me dead in the eye with the same expression he always had.
It is unbelievable that I am holding him on a pedestal when all he did was see me as a human being. This says a lot about the people the women here have met, as my friends who witnessed this were also praising him.
Now, coming to the limerence part, the video said that the object of limerence becomes an obsession because you see in the object something you perceive to lack in yourself or something you desire. I had already heard this once before, but I did not really analyze much of my feelings at the time.
I got thinking, the thought that popped up in my mind was- "He became an object of desire and obsession when he made you feel like a human while everyone else around you saw you as an object". Which beckoned the question - "Do I see myself as human?"
Do I see myself as human? Or am I a creation that's meant to mimic only the best parts of it? Do I allow myself to exist beyond the perception of others? Don't I expect myself to be flawless? Don't I expect myself to be unbothered by my emotions because logic has determined that there is no use in it?
I deny myself the right to feel because I have already comprehended the feeling and the situation in my mind. It hurts but it shouldn't because the events were all rational and it all had a reasoning. I deny myself happiness because I probably did not do things as best as I could.
I am an object of restraint to myself, one tailored to fit whoever I am with or what perception I am required to fit in.
