Mac

Ian just gave Mac a nod and a small smile when he said he wasn’t sure how to talk about his girlfriend. Ian could understand that; what happened to her sounded all kinds of fucked up. Way more fucked up than just some normal break-up, which probably would have been hard enough to deal with, not that Ian knew. “It’s an open offer,” he said quietly, not wanting to push, but wanting to make sure Mac knew he could still talk to Ian about it, even if Ian was still trying to sort out how he felt about all the different ways Mac had lied about what he was up to. 

For his part, Ian still found himself wanting his brother’s advice in spite of all that. Because Mac got it the way no one else could. He felt a bit better at the way Mac answered when Ian said he’d never want to be like Patty. That felt like a good sign, maybe. But it was still terrifying to think about putting himself in a situation that could lead to anything remotely close to what Patty got up to. Only there were good versions of the stuff Patty got up to. Like Cal and his bloke, and Mac and Dawn, and Ethan’s parents, it sounded like. The question was whether Ian was capable of the good kind. And if it was worth the risk of finding out. Given everything Mac was going through with Dawn now, Ian was surprised when Mac said it was worth the risk. But maybe he shouldn’t have been, given that Mac had encouraged Cal. It seemed like Cal had decided it was worth the risk too. But Ian wasn’t Cal or Mac. That felt even more clear now he knew what Mac had been hiding from him all these years; protecting him, because apparently he thought Ian needed it. Only he wasn’t telling Ian to run from this. Instead maybe saying the opposite, between the stuff about it being worth it and then what he added about how maybe Ian already had his answer. That was a scary thought. Which maybe reinforced the fact that Mac was right. If Ian didn’t want what Ethan had talked about, what would there be to be scared of? Hurting Ethan’s feelings, probably, but that wasn’t what scared him here. Because what he wanted wouldn’t hurt Ethan’s feelings. “Fuck.” Ian put his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands. He fancied Ethan. That felt undeniable now. And it felt undeniably scary, especially given the fact he knew Ethan fancied him too. Which was also kind of a nice thought–only thinking about it being nice was also scary. He looked up at Mac again. “This is terrifying,” he admitted with an anxious look that gave way to a sheepish chuckle after a second. “I feel like an idiot.” He wasn’t sure exactly why, except there were a lot of reasons. His cluelessness, for one. How scared he still was. How dramatic it all felt. Except the fear of turning out like their mum didn’t feel dramatic at all. “Oh. Uh. Yeah, I’m gay, by the way,” he added with a sheepish smile at Mac. “It wasn’t really a secret or anything. Same as Cal, I guess. Just never relevant before. Funny that Cal’s into blokes too,” he added with a chuckle. Even odder that Seb was interested in blokes as well as birds, but he’d heard Seb ask Sadie to keep that to herself so Ian didn’t share that part. Even if he didn’t think it was a big deal or something to keep a secret, he knew that was different other places like Hogwarts, and Seb was a Hogwarts kid. It was probably a bigger deal for him, and Ian didn’t think there was anything wrong with him wanting to keep it for himself to figure out for a while. It wasn’t like he was hiding a secret boyfriend from them. 

“‘Preciate it,” Mac told Ian when the other said it was an open offer. If he got to the point where  he could figure out how to talk about Dawn he was sure he’d take Ian up on the offer. After all he hadn’t been lying when he said Ian was his best friend as well as his brother. And talking about it with Ian would be easier now that Ian knew everything. It was just right now all he had was how fucked up the whole thing was and how Dawn deserved better. Things they’d more or less covered. Mac was trying not to dwell. If he dwelled he’d never get anywhere and he still had a lot of responsibilities, no time for dwelling.

Ian reached out and gave his brother’s shoulder a gentle squeeze at his quiet thanks. There wasn’t anything he could say, anything he could offer that would make what happened to Mac’s girlfriend any better. All he could do was make sure Mac knew Ian was still here for him, even if he was still sorting through all the different things over the years that had been lies stemming from the one big lie of what Mac was doing for Dumbledore. Mac was still his brother. Still his best friend. Apparently Mac thinking Dawn was in America hadn’t been a lie. Or rather, it had been a lie that was told to Mac that Mac believe. “That’s fucked up,” he said, even though it was obvious. Ian had more questions. About how Mac found out. About if he’d talked to her. If he wanted to talk to her. But Mac hadn’t brought Dawn up on his own and Ian didn’t want to push him to talk about something that clearly hurt. “You can talk to me about it, if you want to,” was what he said instead. An open offer, but Ian wouldn’t blame Mac for not wanting to talk about it. 

He felt bad talking about his own stupid problems after all that, but Mac had said he wanted to help and Ian was all kinds of confused and scared that he was turning into Patty and Mac was the person whose advice he wanted. The person who Ian knew would understand better than anyone else, even Cal. And it was clear he did understand, despite the very evident surprise on his face when Ian started talking about Ethan. Ian appreciated the very firm way Mac immediately said he was not like Patty. He still worried, though, and clearly Mac could tell because he didn’t just leave it there. Ian listened with furrowed brows. Mac was right, of course, about everything he was saying about Patricia. It wasn’t anything Ian didn’t already know about her, wasn’t any opinion he didn’t already share with Mac. But hearing it in this context, that love wasn’t ever what she’d been looking for at all, and then hearing Mac’s reminder that Ian wasn’t selfish, because he cared about what might happen, helped. It didn’t erase all of Ian’s worries. But it helped him understand, a little bit, that the version of love Patricia modeled wasn’t love at all. And Mac had gotten to try at the real kind. Had it for a bit, before it got taken from him. Cal seemed to be trying at the real kind too–and Mac wasn’t worried about him, other than the same worry that he always had when something changed for them. “Thanks,” he said with a soft smile that widened just a touch at Mac’s addition that he and Cal wouldn’t let Ian turn into Patty. Ian trusted them on that. He nodded. “Yeah, I reckon I’d rethink every choice I ever made if you ever tell me I’m acting like her,” he agreed with a soft chuckle before he looked down and picked at the string on the hem of Ethan’s jeans again. “I just…I dunno. It’s scary to think about that. Part of me wants to just pretend Ethan never told me anything and go on like normal.” That would be easier, Ian thought. “Except….I dunno. Part of me doesn’t want to do that,” he admitted, looking back up at Mac. That was the scary part. “But I don’t know how to–how to figure out what I want, I guess? Or how to know what I’m feeling.” It wasn’t like they’d ever had any examples. The best thing Ian had to go off of, really, was everything Ethan said about how it felt to fancy someone and the fact that it all sounded very similar to how Ian already felt about Ethan. And that was a scary thought. “Or how to know if it’s worth the risk,” he added, because that was another scary thought. 

It was concerning to hear that some of Seb’s mates were tied up in the same mess Mac was stuck in. Kids. And kids who were friends with their little brother who was a damn bright kid but wasn’t exactly known for always making the best decisions. At least his best mate wasn’t in it. He nodded when Mac said he’d already told Seb’s other mates that Seb shouldn’t be part of all that. Hopefully that would be enough. As much as all the secrecy stung, Ian couldn’t help but agree it would be best for Seb never to know about any of that. But the difference was it was always the older kids looking after the younger ones. Not Mac keeping stuff from Ian. Only Ian couldn’t help but wonder if this wasn’t the only thing Mac had ever kept from him in order to protect him, the same way they tried to protect the younger kids. Maybe Ian should have seen something like this coming. At least they could hopefully keep Seb out of it. And at least Mac didn’t have any aspirations of being a hero for a world that hadn’t done shit for them. There was a difference, in Ian’s opinion, between not being a hero and making things worse, and not being a hero seemed perfectly reasonable to him. More than fair, really. “Good,” he said. Leaving it there felt like the best thing. Mostly because the fact that Mac had learned magic so fast because he’d been getting special lessons Ian didn’t know about was something new Ian had to process now, and he didn’t exactly feel great about it. Even with the knowledge Mac had nicked books for him. And then he felt guilty for not feeling great about it, except really how was Ian supposed to feel? This whole situation was shit. Changing the subject felt like the best choice, at least until Ian had a chance to unpack how he felt about that new tidbit. 

Maybe he should have picked a different subject to start with, but it wasn’t like he and Mac got a ton of chances to talk alone in the house. And now that they’d talked about what Mac was doing, what happened with Ethan last night was working its way back to the front of Ian’s mind. He was surprised when Mac said he figured out he wanted to date Dawn because she told him they were dating. But maybe he shouldn’t have been. Ethan definitely hadn’t told Ian they were dating, but he’d asked a lot of leading questions that got Ian to realize maybe there was something more than friendship happening there. Especially when he made Ian realize that holding his mates’ hands wasn’t normal mate stuff. Ian wondered if Mac had held Dawn’s hand before she told him they were dating. He listened carefully when Mac talked about how it freaked him out. But how he really liked Dawn. The present tense didn’t escape Ian’s notice either, and he felt guilty all over again for even brining her up after what he’d heard Mac tell Cal about what happened to her. He also couldn’t help but think about how he wasn’t sure Ethan really understood about Patty either, but how nice and patient he’d been with Ian asking what were probably some really dumb questions, especially when Ethan had been trying to tell Ian he fancied him. “Sorry about what happened to her,” Ian said in a quiet voice. Sorry didn’t feel like a big enough word, but Ian didn’t think there was a big enough word. “We don’t have to talk about this kind of stuff if you don’t want to. It’s just–…” He waited to make sure Mac seemed okay with Ian staying on the subject before he said more. 

“I think something kind of similar happened to me?” He said, still uncertain about a lot of it. “I mean, Ethan didn’t tell me we’re dating, but he said he fancied me and I said I didn’t know what fancying even was, really, and he was really nice and explained to me what it felt like for him and–I’m just really confused because I like him a lot and everything he said about how it feels to fancy someone felt like how I feel about him.” Which was scary, and so Ian kept talking. “But he’s also my only really close friend outside the family, I mean him and Leo but Ethan feels different than Leo and now I’m not sure if that’s just because he’s a really close friend or if it’s something else, or if I even want it to be something else because I don’t wanna end up like Patty, and I know you and Cal wouldn’t end up like her but what if I do?” He finished, his thoughts a bit all over the place, the worry creeping into his voice the longer he went on and he looked at Mac anxiously after he finished, hoping desperately that Mac might have some kind of answer for him. About how to know how he felt and about what to do with it and about whether he was going to turn into Patty. 

“Yeah,” Ian answered Mac with a small nod. The best they could do was all they’d ever done. It was just that lately the best they could do was better than what it used to be. Now Ian felt like they’d been thrown back into that helpless, scared feeling that was always present on Knockturn, and even a lot of the time while Cal was gone at Hogwarts and it was the rest of them and Patty. His expression hardened when Mac added that bit about protecting the kids from Dumbledore, and he nodded. “Do you know which classmates? Should we be worried about Seb spending too much time with them?” Ian asked, because if it was too late to help Mac out of this he knew they’d all do whatever it took to protect Seb from it. “Good,” he added at the next thing Mac said. “None of us gives a shit if you’re a hero, we just want you alive.” If that meant Mac getting the fuck out of the way of something bad, so be it. They hadn’t grown up on stories of heroes and shit, they’d grown up knowing all you could do was try to survive. Ian was more surprised by the next thing Mac had said. He’d gotten a crash course in auror spells the week he got his wand. Because of the Dumbledore stuff. All those years Ian watched Mac pick up magic so quickly, all the years he’d struggled and felt like a useless idiot compared to Mac and all his younger siblings who knew so much more magic than he did. Mac had been getting extra tutoring. “Oh.” That made sense, but Ian had been too floored by what his brother was doing to put that together yet. He wasn’t really sure how he felt about it either. Maybe it should have made him feel better, to know Mac was getting extra help. That was why Mac had mentioned it, surely. Only Ian just couldn’t help thinking of all the times Mac had told him he’d just picked up some spells, knowing how Ian felt, not saying anything. Ian knew why Mac hadn’t said anything, they’d already talked about that. But it still stung. Though frankly Ian still wasn’t sure it mattered, he’d still be way behind where Mac was at even if Mac hadn’t been getting secret magic lessons from aurors. “Okay,” was all he said. He appreciated the books from Mac, but he’d appreciated them more when he’d thought Mac was just trying to help him, not trying to help him to make up for the fact he was way ahead for secret reasons he wasn’t telling them about. It was better to just put all that behind them. 

Maybe launching into a different problem hadn’t been the best strategy, but Mac was also right in pointing out they didn’t get many chances to talk in private like this, with an empty house. He frowned and shook his head when Mac asked if he was worried about Cal. “No, I’m not–” The words died on the tip of his tongue, even though Ian had really thought he meant them. “I mean, I guess I’m a little worried. It’ll be different. But I trust Cal.” There, that was better. Honestly Ian didn’t know what was wrong with him that he had to be that precise about what he meant all the time. “And you already showed us you can date someone and not go insane,” Ian added with a small smile at Mac. Mac getting a girlfriend had been a shock. The breakup had been just as shocking, quite frankly. After hearing Mac and Cal’s conversation now Ian knew why he hadn’t heard much about the breakup; Mac couldn’t talk about much of it. Ian had just thought he didn’t want to, and maybe that was true too. Mac had been upset. Maybe it wasn’t fair for Ian to bring that up. But Mac was the only person Ian could talk to who would completely understand where he was coming from, even more than Cal or the younger kids who all went to Hogwarts and got to have more normal friendships. “I was more wondering, um…” Ian glanced down again, only looking down at Ethan’s jeans, because that was what he was wearing, just made him feel weirder. “How did you know you even wanted to date someone? Like…how did you know it wasn’t just normal friendship? And…how did you know it’d be okay?” Ian didn’t think he had to elaborate on that last part–how did you know you wouldn’t end up like Patty? 

“I’ve been keeping an eye out. So far it’s just a few that I know Seb’s mates with. But I haven’t seen Seb’s best mate yet. And I think it should be safe, him hanging around them. They’re not gonna have a lot of time and Dumbledore usually does a number on people to keep ‘em from talking to anyone about it. But I talked to them and made it clear that I did not want Seb finding out about it just in case one of them had trouble keeping his mouth shut.” Mac wanted to make sure they didn’t get the wrong idea seeing him there that they could talk to Seb. Hopefully that would help because even though he’d told Dumbledore he didn’t want his siblings involved he didn’t trust Dumbledore. Once they’d gotten into the house and things were more stable he didn’t worry about Ian so much. Seb though was kind of an idiot in some ways, ways Dumbledore could take advantage of. He nodded at Ian’s next words. “I know.” Being away from knock turn hadn't made him soft. Or a wannabe hero. He worried about Ian’s reaction to what he told him about how he’d gotten good at spell work. Mac wasn’t sure what he thought Ian’s response to the books would be but it wasn’t that. Maybe Ian being interested in what sort of libraries he’d lifted them from. There’d been some of them Ian would have liked. Showing them to Ian had been out but Mac had still tried to find books he hoped Ian would find interesting. Guess none of that mattered because of the whole big lie. It felt like there was a huge gap between them now that was even bigger than the one between them when Mac had to keep it ll to himself. A gap Mac had no idea what to do about.

Ian frowned when Mac said he just didn’t want to add to the things Ian kept from Cal. So instead Mac had added it to the list of things he kept from Ian. Protecting him, because he didn’t think Ian could handle it. Or maybe, a small voice at the back of him reasoned, because he just didn’t want Ian to have to handle it. Ian wouldn’t want to tell Mac or Cal, if their positions were reversed. But he was pretty sure he would have told Mac. Because Mac was his best mate. Maybe this was just one of those things that was going to have to hurt for a while. “Okay,” he said softly. Ian wasn’t sure what more there was to say about it. It hurt that Mac kept that from him, but it was done and Mac had explained himself and as much as it hurt, Ian was even more concerned about the fact of what Mac was stuck doing. He didn’t want to sit here and make Mac feel more guilty, even if Ian was still hurt. A small, sad smile pulled at Ian’s lips when Mac said he loved him too. That Ian believed without any doubt. He was surprised by what Mac added, and a little doubtful. Ian didn’t do much, not really, and Mac’s words sort of confirmed that. Was Ian really helping all that much when he was letting Mac walk him home, not knowing whatever Mac must have gone through during the night while Ian was just cleaning floors at the hospital? Chattering on to him about the gossip at the hospital or something funny he’d overheard at the bar? Ian didn’t doubt what Mac was saying, that the distraction, the normalcy, helped him. He just still wished he could have done more. Or done it intentionally. He let out a quiet sigh before he pulled back and gave Mac a small smile. “I’m glad I helped. Wish I helped more. Wish you didn’t need to hold it together.” Ian especially wished that part. “But I’m glad I helped. I just…what do we do now?” Ian wasn’t sure where they went from here. How they dealt with this new reality, which had been Mac’s reality for ages but that Ian was just finding out about. 

Ian hugged his brother back tight, struck by the terrible thought that he didn’t know how many more times he’d be able to hug his brother, not if something could happen to him at any night he was out on Dumbledore’s errands. A couple of tears slipped past his eyes as he was struck by a fresh wave of guilt for lingering at Ethan’s this morning, for choosing to avoid talking to Mac when there was a very real possibility one day he wouldn’t be able to talk to Mac anymore. Ian felt terrified. And helpless. Which unfortunately wasn’t a new experience for him. Most of their lives, especially his and Mac’s, without Hogwarts and all the options that came with it, were tainted with feelings of fear and helplessness. But they’d always been able to help each other. Even when Ian didn’t feel like he did nearly enough, he did what he could. Here there was nothing he could do. Nothing but hug his brother back and tell him he understood he hadn’t had a choice. He appreciated when Mac said he understood why Ian was upset Mac hadn’t told him, even though Ian still felt bad about it. He wanted to believe that Mac trusted him. He did believe Mac trusted him. Mac just hadn’t trusted him with this. And there it was, too, that he’d been trying to protect him from lying to Cal. “I don’t lie,” Ian said quietly. He wasn’t sure he’d ever actually told a lie. He’d tried to. Lots of times. But his tongue always felt like it got tied and the words never came out. So he just kept his mouth shut instead when he didn’t want someone to know something. It had worked with Cal, but that same guilt still came with it. Maybe that guilt would have been worse if he’d known what Mac was doing. Maybe Mac was right not to trust him–maybe Ian would have told Cal. Ian wasn’t sure what he’d have done. But Mac hadn’t given him a chance to do it, so what did it matter, really. “I’m sorry you’re stuck,” he whispered, instead of saying any of that. “I wish I could help you.” More than anything, Ian wished he could help Mac. If he was good enough at magic he might consider joining too. Only Cal and Mac would both hate that. Ian would hate it too, really. But he hated that Mac was there alone. “I love you,” he added, because in light of everything else that felt the most important. 

Ian finally looked up at Mac when he said Ian was his brother and his best friend. Ian really wanted to believe that, but he was pretty sure Cal was Mac’s best friend. Which was fine. Cal and Mac were the ones who kept everything together for the rest of them. Cal was the one Mac finally told about what he was up to, because Cal had prodded it out of him while Ian just kept quiet and didn’t ask questions he wasn’t supposed to ask while Mac was out fighting Death Eaters and nearly dying and he was trapped because apparently if the tried to leave they’d fucked with his head which was apparently what they’d done to that girl Mac was dating which he also hadn’t told Ian about, Ian just thought she dumped him. Yeah, some best friend Ian was. He swallowed past another lump in his throat and looked down again at the next thing Mac said. Of course he was going to worry about his feelings. And there was nothing Ian could do about that, except lie to Mac about them. Except lying wasn’t something Ian had ever been good at, or even capable of really. So all he could do when Mac said he wanted to know what Ian thought was look up at his brother again and say, in a quiet, voice, “I hate it.” That felt like it ought to sum things up, but in case it didn’t Ian continued a few moments later. “I don’t blame you for it. Knowing what you’re doing doesn’t change what we’ve always known, that you didn’t have a choice.” Ian had known that much, at least, as early on as when it was just small errands for Dumbledore that Ian was helping Mac hide from Cal. “But I hate it. I hate that you’re trapped in it, and that you could die, and that there’s nothing I can do about it,” he said, his voice breaking. Ian looked down again. “And I hate that you didn’t tell me,” he admitted in a quieter voice. “I get why you didn’t tell Cal, because we couldn’t afford to let him get distracted from quidditch over us. But all I can figure is either you didn’t trust me not to tell Cal, or you thought you needed to protect me from it.” Sometimes it felt like when Mac need Ian to cover for him, he was one of the older kids and Ian got to help, but when Mac didn’t need Ian he was just one of the little kids, one of Mac’s responsibilities. Definitely not one of his best mates. “And I feel like shit for even caring about that,” he added, looking up at Mac again. “Because honestly as shit as it feels knowing you didn’t tell me, it’s just so much worse knowing what you’re actually doing. I don’t want something to happen to you, Mac,” he said, his voice breaking again. “’Cause you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t a surprise when Mac came into Ian’s room and sat down on his bed. Ian had left room for him knowing that was what would happen. He just still wasn’t sure he was ready for this conversation. Thankfully Mac started off easy. “She took the pixie puffs. And some other sweets I confiscated that she’d stashed around the house. Made a mess doing it, but nothing else is gone or busted.” Which as far as Patty was concerned meant Ian got out of things relatively unscathed. And thank Merlin for that, because Ian didn’t think he could handle it this morning if Patty had messed up something that actually mattered to him. Not when he already had to deal with the fact he’d screwed up by coming home too late only no one had realized he was gone all night and he still had to deal with what he knew Mac was up to now. Ian looked down at his feet again and fiddled with a string on the cuffed-up hem of Ethan’s jeans again at Mac’s question. Of course there was a reason Ian went out. They both knew there was a reason Ian went out, and they both knew what the reason was. No way Mac didn’t know Ian had overheard everything. He let out a quiet breath and tried to remember what Ethan said, that the situation Mac was in was not his fault. It felt like it was at least a little bit Ian’s fault though. Without ever knowing all the specifics–like Dumbledore had known that he had to take Mac out of the house, away from Ian’s listening ears when he told him anything too important–Ian had just covered for Mac. Because Mac asked him to, because Cal was under enough stress as it was, because they couldn’t risk doing anything to get Cal kicked out of Hogwarts. But Ian had thought it was bad enough when Mac got home late because Ian thought he was skulking around Knockturn. Death Eaters were so much worse. How many times had Mac almost been killed? Without ever mentioning it, not to Cal, and not even to Ian who was keeping all his secrets. Sometimes it felt like Ian and Mac were a team, when Cal was at school and it was the two of them trying to wrangle the kids. But that wasn’t really how things worked. Cal and Mac were a team, and Ian was the guy they brought in when the other wasn’t available to bumble around and try not to make things worse. He sure felt like he’d made things worse here. But mostly he was scared for his brother. Mac was his best friend, and he’d been off fighting Death Eaters and Ian hadn’t known. He wanted to ask why Mac didn’t tell him, but all Ian could think was that Mac either didn’t trust Ian not to tell Cal or didn’t think Ian could handle the truth. That he needed to protect Ian from it the way Cal and Mac protected the younger kids from hard things, only Ian always knew because he always heard them. So you’d think by now Mac would know Ian could handle things. And Ian wasn’t really sure asking Mac why would help anything. It would just make Mac feel worse, probably. 

“I know you know I heard you and Cal,” he finally said in a quiet voice, not looking up. “But I mean, you’re dealing with enough shit, you shouldn’t have to worry about my feelings about it on top of all that, so,” he shrugged, eyes still on the cuffs of Ethan’s jeans. He meant that. Mac had done enough. Too much. And Ian hadn’t helped him. Ian had just made it worse, maybe. He didn’t want to add to that now just because he was terrified his brother was going to die and it was going to be partly his fault and he was also hurt that Mac hadn’t told him anything after all these years. “Just–y’know, be careful, I guess,” he tacked on, a lump settling in his throat and he swallowed hard after he spoke.

You don’t have to be responsible all the time. Ian gave his brother a skeptical look. Didn’t he? Sometimes Ian wasn’t sure where he fit in his family. Cal and Mac were the two oldest, clearly in charge, sacrificing way too much for the rest of them—more than Ian had even realized, now he knew the horrifying truth of what Mac was doing for Dumbledore. Then there were the little kids, who’d gone off to Hogwarts, or would get to go there, and were more normal and well-adjusted than Ian, Mac, and Cal would ever be. Mac just wasn’t sure where he fit into that. He hadn’t gone to Hogwarts like Seb and Sadie, didn’t have Hogwarts friends and normal experiences like they did. But he also wasn’t in charge the way Cal and Mac were, hadn’t ever been able to do as much as either of them did for the family. At best he babysat, earned some money that felt like pocket change compared to everything Cal covered for them, and tried not to be a bother. Ian may not be as capable as Cal or Mac at helping out the family, but he’d always tried to not harm it. He’d been helping hurt Mac this whole time though. And now he’d been irresponsible and the only reason that hadn’t caused any problems was because he was so irrelevant to the family’s functioning no one had wondered why he hadn’t left his room for an entire night until past breakfast. Mac telling him he didn’t need to be responsible all the time was meant to be nice, Ian knew that, but it also made him feel even more irrelevant. “Okay,” was all he said. He just nodded when Mac said he was right not to come back last night. At least no one was expecting him at quidditch. Because they’d all just assumed he had a headache because he was a weirdo who got headaches all the time, another thing that made him not fit with the rest of the family. “Okay, thanks,” he said, relieved he at least wouldn’t have to deal with anyone else right now. Though maybe going to quidditch would have been better now he realized it would be just him and Mac. There’d be no more avoiding him now. Or maybe a few more minutes of avoiding him. Ian let out a sigh of relief when Mac said Patty wasn’t home. At work, right. Ian shared his brothers skepticism about where Patty went when she said she was working. He rolled his eyes. “I dunno what she even thought she was gonna find in there. No—wait, I nicked some pixie puffs she hid under the sofa, I bet that’s what she was looking for. Please tell me she didn’t try to serve that for breakfast?” At least Ian knew she hadn’t succeeded, because if that had been breakfast Mac wouldn’t have bothered to save Ian some. Still, he felt another pang of guilt over not being there to help. Especially since Mac had saved breakfast for him. Normally Ian would offer to help with breakfast, but this morning he just nodded and followed Mac back to the house. Going to check his room for Patty disturbances would buy him a few more minutes before they had to have the conversation Ian didn’t want to have. He wasn’t really sure if there was a point to having it, but he knew they had to. 

Once they were back at the house took off his jacket, but rather than hang it on the coat hook he brought it to hang on a hook in his room. He liked that jacket way too much to leave it anywhere Patty might get her hands on it. Which apparently included his room now. She hadn’t even tried to hide her tracks, Ian noticed when he got inside. His drawers were opened, not torn about but clearly they’d been rummaged through, and his closet door was open, a few things pushed out. She’d obviously found the pixie puffs. And some of the other candy he’d nicked from her too. What a bitch. She’d seen his note that he was gone and taken the opportunity to take his shit. Never mind that he took it from her first. She’d gotten it to cause trouble. At least nothing important seemed to be missing. Ian had been wearing his watch from Cal he’d gotten for his 17th, like always. The books Al had given him were all on his small bookshelf, and the ones he was borrowing were on his nightstand undisturbed next to his earplugs. A couple cool odds and ends he’d picked up at thrift shops, some pins and postcards and a few posters on his walls all where he’d left them. There wasn’t much else of importance in Ian’s room, really. He hesitated in his room once he was sure of Patty’s damage, debating whether he should change into his own clothes or keep on the ones Ethan lent him. Was it weird to keep Ethan’s clothes on? Was it weird that he sort of wanted to? He was spared having to decide one way or the other when he heard Mac finishing up the dishes in the kitchen, and sure enough there were his brother’s footsteps heading toward the hallway, most likely to Ian’s room. Ian walked over to his bed and sat down on it, pulling his feet up so he was sitting cross-legged by his pillow with room for Mac to join him on the opposite end of the bed if he wanted. He picked at a string on the cuff of Ethan’s jeans, looking up a second before Mac got to his door and giving his brother a small smile that said he was resigned to the conversation they needed to have. “Hey.”

“Nah, she just tried pouring chocolate syrup over everything. Rosie got upset because it got on her eggs so I switched with her.” Mac gave a grimace to show just exactly how terrible chocolate sauce on eggs had been. “The whole time she was just chanting about how it was a fun breakfast. And then pouting because all of her children were borin because no one was having fun.” It had been chaotic and loud. Her attempt at getting them all sugared up and stressed out before Cal’s match. Before she had the cheek to turn around and tell him off for not keeping the kids calm since his brother had a match. He didn’t understand the woman. But he could understand why Ian was seemingly choosing to avoid the chaos in his room. Except he hadn’t been.

Maybe Mac was right, and it wasn’t okay. No, Mac was definitely right. But it felt more like Patty’s fault than Mac’s. And Mac–and maybe Cal–was the only one who had actually noticed Ian was gone, so being upset with him for not being worried when he already had so much else going on and had thought he heard Ian in his room last night didn’t feel right. It wasn’t Mac’s fault Patty made all their lives miserable. He nodded at Mac’s agreement that it had to have been her in Ian’s room, but shook his head at Mac’s apology. “She’s not your fault.” They were all just dealing with her as best they could. Dealing with everything as best they could. Ian didn’t feel like he’d done a great job last night, though. Or maybe not last night–he was glad Mac seemed to agree with Ian’s choice to stay at Ethan’s last night instead of biking home in the dark and the rain–but rather this morning. Ian should have gone right home. He’d known that. But they’d woken up early enough that lingering a while longer had felt okay. And then a while longer, just to eat. Only not just to eat. Being at Ethan’s had been a whole lot nicer than coming home. Not just because of the reasons Ian had gone out last night in the first place, but also because of Ethan’s company. Largely because of Ethan’s company. But Ian had been having fun with Ethan while Mac was saving him breakfast. Without realizing he’d never been home, but still. Ian’s brows furrowed when Mac said there was no harm done. Because no one had realized he’d been out all night. “Yeah…” That didn’t really make Ian feel better about anything though. If anything it just made him feel worse, because he hadn’t just been irresponsible and fucked up–because of a bloke, a small voice at the back of his mind kept reminding him–but also no one had even noticed he was gone. So it hadn’t mattered. Because maybe Ian didn’t entirely matter. He knew that wasn’t true. Mac looked horrified to realize he hadn’t known Ian was gone. But it stung all the same. Maybe Ian did too good of a job of staying out of the way and not causing problems. Which was a good thing. That was what he wanted. “I’m still sorry for it. I was stupid. Irresponsible.” And he wished he was back at Ethan’s right now. That was probably a problem. What would also be a problem would be going to a quidditch match right now. Ian was not in the mood to deal with that level of noise. And Cal wasn’t there worrying about him. “Er…think I’d rather skip it. Not really in the mood. Is that okay?” He felt compelled to add. This would hardly be the first time Ian skipped out on quidditch, but he felt bad about how the morning had gone and about Al having to come take the kids because he hadn’t been there to help. If Mac wanted to go to quidditch, Ian would go with him. 

It was clear from Mac’s voice that he really hadn’t known Ian was out, and that now he was realizing Ian had been out all night without him realizing it, he was starting to freak out about it. He was maybe starting to freak out worse than he would have if he’d seen Ian’s note and realized Ian was gone, which he clearly hadn’t. Only he’d gone looking for Ian and hadn’t seen the note? Ian frowned when Mac asked where he’d left it. He’d left it on the fridge, same place he always left a note if he picked up an extra shift or decided to run an errand and Mac or Cal wasn’t around to let them know. But Mac hadn’t seen it, and instead of worry about Ian he’d decided Ian was at work or avoiding him. Which wasn’t entirely wrong. Ian had been avoiding Mac, and he felt more guilty about it seeing the obvious worry on Mac’s face now that he realized Ian had been gone all night. Without his noticing. “It’s okay,” he said softly, because it sort of sucked to know no one had realized he was gone, except Mac at least had noticed Ian wasn’t around and had just come to other conclusions about where Ian was. He wondered if anyone else had even noticed other than Mac. Probably not. Which was a good thing, he reminded himself, because everyone had enough to worry about without Ian causing problems. Not causing problems was Ian’s thing. Except when it came to covering for Mac while he’d apparently been out fighting bloody Death Eaters! His eyes flickered to the ground. “Uh, makes sense you thought I was at work if you didn’t see the note. I put it on the fridge, where I always put ‘em. Guess Patty moved it,” he said, his voice souring because now he thought about it, of course it was Patty’s fault. “She was probably the one in my room too,” he added, scowling slightly. Now he’d have to check and make sure she hadn’t taken anything. Part of him wondered if she hadn’t just gone in there for the sake of making noise so no one would know he was out. That seemed too calculated for her, but it also seemed like the sort of thing she’d do, try to sow divisions between the older kids. He sighed. “Anyways, like I said, I’m glad no one was worried.” He was glad for that, even if it still sort of stung that Mac was probably the only one who’d even bothered to check and see if Ian was home all night. “I really was gonna come home,” he added, not wanting Mac to think he’d just run off. He sort of had, but he hadn’t run off not planning to come home that night. “But Ethan didn’t want me to bike home alone in the dark when it was pouring like that and I didn’t wanna drag him the whole way here in the rain with me so…” Ian shrugged. Sleeping on Ethan’s couch made sense. Hopefully Mac agreed. “And thanks for saving me breakfast,” He added with a small trace of a smile. At least Mac had been thinking of him even if he hadn’t realized Ian hadn’t even been home. “I’m good, actually. I er, ate at Ethan’s.” Which wasn’t weird. Ian didn’t know why that felt weird. Except for the fact he should have come straight home because if Mac had seen his note he’d have been as worried as he looked right now. “Probably should have come right home. Sorry,” he tacked on sheepishly. 

Ian hadn’t really stopped to asses how angry or upset Mac looked when he saw his brother walking toward him. His only thought had been that he needed to apologize and explain himself as quickly as possible and hope Mac wasn’t too upset and especially hope he hadn’t done anything that would throw Cal off extra today. It was good to hear that Al had come to take the kids to the match, except it also meant Mac and Cal had needed the help this morning. And Ian hadn’t been home. He’d been at Ethan’s laughing and eating breakfast and watching cartoons. A fresh wave of guilt washed over him. He should have been here to help, this morning more than any other, never mind how upset he’d been last night. The thought all raced through Ian’s mind in a flash before they were replaced by surprise at the next thing Mac said. What do you mean you were out all night. Ian’s brows furrowed and he blinked, taken aback. Had Mac not realized? He thought he’d heard Ian in his room. And–”Oh.” He thought Ian was at work? Or avoiding him? Last night and this morning? Had he even noticed, really? Okay, clearly he’d noticed because he’d apparently thought Ian was at work or avoiding him and someone–Patty, it had to be, had been in his room last night–but something still stung about the fact that Mac hadn’t even noticed Ian had left before dinner last night and not come home until just now. No–it was more than that. Because Mac might have been wondering where he was, might have made assumptions about what Ian was up to–but apparently no one else had. It had been a rough day. Cal and Mac preoccupied. The kids surely sensed things were off. Only no one had noticed Ian wasn’t there? Or been worried about it, at least, even if they’d noticed. Maybe that was fair. Ian was always running off to work or to hang with Ethan. Except he’d always made a point of making sure Mac or Cal knew where he was. Maybe he didn’t need to bother. He clearly shouldn’t have bothered with the note. “I wasn’t–” Ian wanted to say he wasn’t avoiding Mac, but like always when he tried to say something that wasn’t entirely truthful he couldn’t get the words out. Like his tongue was blocked, refusing to cooperate. “You didn’t know I was gone?” He said instead, unable to entirely hide the hurt in his voice. Only it was good Mac hadn’t known, really. He hadn’t been worried. That was good. “I left a note saying I was going out,” he added. Which was more reason he’d figured his brothers would worry, because he hadn’t said work and he hadn’t given any indication he’d be out all night or where he would be if he was out all night–because the plan had just been to ride his bike until he tired himself out enough to come back home. But Mac didn’t really need to know that part. “Anyways, I’m fine. Like I said, I was just at Ethan’s.” Mac’s earlier question came back to him. Why was he with Ethan? “I just went out for a bike ride and ended up at the repair shop and Ethan invited me over for tea.” And then Ian had poured his guts out and fallen asleep on Ethan and then they’d eaten pizza and watched a film and Ethan told Ian he fancied him and let him stay the night on his couch in his pajamas and now Ian was dressed in Ethan’s clothes. Ian tugged at the hem of Ethan’s t-shirt, glad it was a plain white one. Maybe Mac wouldn’t notice the cuffed jeans either, not that it was weird that Ian was wearing Ethan’s clothes. Ethan was a good friend like that. A great friend. Which was something else Ian needed to talk to Mac about but it wasn’t quite at the front of his mind right now, overshadowed by the worse things they hadn’t talked about yet, that Ian wasn’t supposed to have overheard but they knew he had. It wasn’t a conversation Ian was sure he wanted to have. “Glad I didn’t worry you or anything.” And he was glad. That was good. No one was worrying over Ian and that was how it was supposed to be. Ian kept quiet, he kept to himself, he didn’t cause any problems. 

Ian had felt lighter for going to Ethan’s, but as he started the bike ride home–in the sunshine, at least, instead of the rain–some of that dread and fear and guilt that sent him taking off in the first place crept back in. With some new additional guilt over being gone all night with just a note left behind that said he’d gone out for a bit. Mac and Cal were probably freaking out by now. Ian probably shouldn’t have stayed for breakfast or a shower. But it had been nice hanging out with Ethan, putting off dealing with his brothers a little longer. And it had been nice in other ways that made him freaked out for other reasons. At least he looked fresh and clean. Maybe that would make his brothers a little less freaked when he got home. Still Ian found himself slowing down when he neared the house, delaying the inevitable a little longer, the moment he’d have to really face Mac and Cal and the secrets Ian had helped Mac hide–to Mac’s detriment–for years. He was so lost in thought he didn’t notice the familiar footfall on the sidewalk coming towards him until Mac was already in view, just a minute or so from the house. Shit. Was Mac out looking for him? That was bad. Ian sped up, his expression apologetic as he neared his brother. “I’m really sorry!” he said as soon as he was close enough, putting on his breaks and hopping off his bike since they were almost at the house. “I didn’t mean to stay out all night, but it was pouring and dark and Ethan offered his couch and I figured that was the smarter choice, but he doesn’t have an owl so I couldn’t send one,” he explained, a bit frantic because the last thing he’d wanted to do was give his brothers even more to worry about and he’d clearly done that if Mac was actually leaving to look for him. “Has everyone left for Cal’s match yet?” Ian hadn’t really planned on going but he’d feel awful if Cal had waited because of him, or even if Cal was just there worrying about him.  

As much as Cal already knew Mac had done what he did to help the family, part of him wished Mac had done it for another reason. Any other reason would have hurt a little less. Because Mac did this for the family because he thought he had to. To keep Cal in Hogwarts, having fun and playing quidditch and making friends while Mac was stuck in charge of everything—and Cal knew perfectly well the stress and pressure of being left in charge of everything, because he’d done it for 11 years until he went to school. And he’d taken up the helm again five years later, as soon as he made it into the league. But it was too late. The damage was done. He thought he’d saved all of them, but he hadn’t been able to save Mac. “I know, Mac,” he said in a quiet voice, holding his brother’s gaze now that Mac was looking at him. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. You did your best,” he said, pushing aside his anger at Patty and Dumbledore because right now it was more important for Mac to know that at least, as fucked up as everything else was, Cal was still on his side. Cal would always be on Mac’s side. Though he wasn’t sure how comforting that really was when Cal hadn’t managed to protect Mac from something this awful. It should have been Cal dealing with all that. “You’re plenty smart, Mac,” he added in a quiet, sad voice at Mac’s addition. “One of the smartest blokes I know.” That was true; Mac was sharp, street smart and quick-witted, an invaluable second-in-command in their attempts to keep their family together. Cal just hadn’t realized how far Mac had gone for that. He was the one who’d been stupid. “You were just a kid,” he added softly. Mac still was just a kid, really. A kid who’d had to carry too much on his shoulders because Cal hadn’t managed to save him in time. “You don’t have to lie anymore,” he said, because telling Mac everything was going to be okay felt like a lie right now, or at least Mac would take it as such. And Mac knew more than Cal did still. “You don’t have to hide how you’re feeling, or what you’re doing, okay?” He said, holding his brother’s gaze. “You can talk to me. We’ll figure things out.” Even if there was nothing to figure out other than how horrible things were, Cal wanted Mac to know he didn’t have to try to deal with all this on his own anymore. “I have a lot of questions, but we can talk about it more when you’re ready, okay?” Cal wasn’t going to give Mac the same sort of time he’d given him before finally getting to the truth of the matter, but if Mac needed some time to let his emotions out, to get to a place where he could better answer Cal’s questions, that felt like something they could afford. 

“I know,” Cal said softly when Mac apologized and said he hadn’t wanted to lie to him. Cal didn’t doubt that, nor did he blame Mac for what he’d done. It was his fault, Patty’s fault, Dumbledore’s fault, maybe even more people that Cal didn’t even realize were involved yet. Because whatever Dumbledore was up to, apparently it went deep. He was dangerous. He had connections. Mac was right about that, Dumbledore was one of the most well-connected wizards of their time. And one of the most revered. How was he getting away with this? Or maybe that was why he was getting away with this. Suckering in kids to do his dirty work. Fuck. Cal believe that Mac believed there were no options. And while he was still struggling to piece together everything Mac had told him, there was that stuff he’d said about Dawn needling at the back of Cal’s mind. Was that why they couldn’t leave? What exactly had happened to Dawn? Who else had it happened to? Cal was pulled from those thoughts when Mac spoke up again, his heart breaking to hear his own fears about being like their mother reflected from Mac. What had Mac done? Cal was afraid to know, and now wasn’t the time to ask. Instead he held his little brother tighter, like maybe he could protect him from all the shit he’d failed to protect him from for 11 years now. “Shh, Mac, it’s okay.” He said softly. “I promise you’re not like her. You’re so much better than her. The reasons why you do things matters. I know you did this for the family, Mac. It’s okay. You’re not like her.” Patricia had never done anything for anyone but herself. Mac was nothing like her. And oddly enough, hearing his brother say something so far from possible out loud made him wonder if maybe he wasn’t as much like Patricia as he’d been worrying, either. Cal still wasn’t sure; the whole thing with Galvin felt pretty selfish. But those were thoughts for another time. If ever. Because what was happening to Mac was a huge problem. Even though Cal had a million more questions he kept quiet, for now, rubbing Mac’s back gently and letting him cry, trying not to think about how similar this was to the way he’d broken down last night. Cal thought he’d protected Mac from that kind of stress, from feeling like he had to carry it all himself the way Cal did. He’d been wrong. “I’m sorry, Mac,” he said softly.