for fawks sakes...

Fresh hair did for the new year

I quit smoking 60 something days ago. oct 20th was my first day of not smoking up till now. To say I didn't cheat would be a lie. I'll admit it. I bought a pack one day and took just 3 drags of a smoke and gave it away. I let my emotions get to me and when I couldn't handle life I went for my releasing aide. But I realized something. Those problems I had were still there after I lit up. Smoking doesn't do anything but distract us from what is happening. And doesn't fix any problem. Today I am thankful I didn't enjoy the taste or feeling of that temptation. I felt discussing and powerless. I failed myself. This is what I will remember should I be tempted again.

Woooo I can't believe I made it this far. Yes yes I am super happy and proud of myself. But guess what. The craving haven't gone away yet. Does anyone know when the cravings end? Will I always want to smoke? Am I always going to be fighting with my emotions and holding myself back from lighting up? This really sucks. And I also have to ask, does anyone else feel 100x more emotional? This week at work all I did was cry every time I tried to explain something to someone. I couldn't even get words out because my lips would shutter and tears started to fall. Is this normal? Yes I was having a bad week with a co-worker but usually I could at least speak and communicate with people and not become a leaky faucet. Please comment with your advise or opinions. Thank you :)

My Christmas wish this year.

If this bullshit relationship continues, the. Smoking is my only best friend am I might as well start again. It's my only peace I have in my life. Seems that way anyway. When is it ok to tell someone everything they don't like about you, and when you ask if there is one thing they do like about you, they get mad and aggressive and tell you not to crush their spirits. What about my spirits? What about my feelings? Not one nice thing you can say about me? But you can put me down every chance you get? That's some serious BULLSHIT! why do I even put up with this crap? God only knows. Maybe the sex is that good? I don't think so,not lately. So why? Why do I continue to put myself threw this bullshit of a relationship when he can't even say one nice thing about me?????????? I need to grow some balls and get the fuck out! Any advise?

Today I survived horrible back pain and a talk with HR. I DONT WANT A SMOKE today I WANT DRUGS!!! lol to take the pain away. Btw, smokers smell like ash trays. Ewwww. I'll never smoke again knowing that's what I used to smell like. God if I was a guy or a lesbian I would NOT date a female smoker. Time for another patch. My next weeks will be a lower dose of nicotine. Hope I can handle it then.

Well I kinda lost track and I am to lazy to count the days, so you do it. I quit Oct 20 and today is Nov 14. Now that we cleared that up, I want a fucking SMOKE! What’s new? Nothing. Still on the patch and still forgetting to put it in and stressing half way thru my day at work. Coming home stressed. Fighting with my boyfriend. Dealing with a stuck up ass kissing bully at work and in so much pain. Ugh. Quitting sucks but hey. At least I am not coughing nasty things up, I actually found a way to enjoy my breaks at work. But constantly have to cover my face when walking and out of the building, that’s where all the smokers be at. Lol. Nasty smelly ppl.

I had some pretty eye opening dreams last night. About my relationship. In my dream I was with someone new and very very happy. Yes , I know I am not in the prefect relationship, there is no such thing. And yes, I know I can be with someone a little more stable and happier and loving and compassionate... I do love my bf and I care about him. Maybe I just don't want to hurt him? Or maybe I have high hopes that it will get better. Until I figure it out and until I grow a back bone I guess I will have to keep dreaming....

#quittingsmoking #forgettingthepatchfuckup #quitsmoke #forgetfulgetsyouintruble