divine love and longing

Drop into

This space with me.

The only way to truly see

Is with eyes closed.

Give away the thoughts

That babble and pour

Catching on gravelly

Trenches that pool

In deep places

And rush in steap ones.

Rest in the deepest pool

Sink down into the darkest

Murkiest parts

And settle there

Until all becomes clear.

You are not falling

As you drop

You are landing

And stillness

Will soon follow.

Close these eyes

And open that one.

Take a breath

Hold it

And watch the world

Slow down.

Rocks tumble along

As edges are rounded

And debris carried off

The only bits of you

That you will lose

Are those that were never

Part of you, or added sharpness

To your journey.

An invitation

I extend again

For you to join me

In here, down in the

Still, deep, quenching

Space of our

Than wake up

And not be with you

...not be seen by you...

The way you made me feel seen

In those small moments

We’ve captured together.

I’m a dreamer on the run

Launching deeper into

This illusion to escape the pain

Of losing you

By running into

The pain of never having you

To begin with.

I can’t handle that.

I’m sorry, but no one has ever

Chosen me, so why would you?

The truest shard of all of this

I have ever witnessed

Actually want me?

It feels like you must have me

Mistaken me for someone else

Someone as bright as you

Someone who smiles like

The stars we dance in

In my dreams.

There was a tear in space

In time

And the result

Was us

Wandering this reality forever

Behind all the different

Sets of eyes

Searching for one another.

Is this it?

Is this our moment?

It’s a leap of faith to find you,

And I’m not sure I’m ready

To finally wake up

To all that I’ve been missing

If it hasn’t

Wide open

So you can finally feel again.

Hearts are made for breaking

Because love was

Never meant to be contained.

And I want to shatter for you,

For you,

For this whole, wide world

Shatter until the light

From inside me

Consumes me

On its way out

And you and I

Dissolve

Into

To bring everything to me

To witness me completely

This constant fear

Of rejection

Made him

Reject me first

Over and over

Even though I spent years

Waiting.

Because he had never been fully seen

By even mother

And so how could he let go

Into with me.

I can’t imagine the torture his soul

Must be in.

But I wanted to.

So we can end it.

Do not back away

From your humanity,

When being here now

Becomes an inconvenient

Truth to bear.

Push into the edge of the sword

With that consciousness

And see the other side

Of the coin

You claimed you came

To witness.

Why would we

Have come here at all

If not to feel all things?

We can’t grow

If we keep backing off

I want your gaze

To know me.

I realize now

When I’m quaking for you

To enter me

And fill me up

It’s because

Your expansive everything

Is meant to

Penetrate

Every inch of

My

Aching

Space.

Enter me in the physical

And proceed

To let go of this reality

As you explode into me

Of love creating time,

Diving into it head first,

Being born,

Living fully,

And then

Free falling

Back into

Nothing at all.

In the wake of us

We cry.

But as we cry

Into the river

It’s current draws

Us forward

Is the pain of not knowing you

Completely.

It swirls like a dark void,

A serpent churning

The muck that keeps my heart dark.

What is this?

This journey of pain,

Children dying

At the hands of parents,

Hunger slowly stealing

The light from their eyes.

How could we come here and let this happen?

Are we trying to create order from the madness?

Will the suffering ever end?

Do you love?

Or is it only I that can love you?

While you exist in witness to the unfolding

Of this chaotic explosion of me

And you

This aching part of my soul

This tender heart

Is tender for you,

I know you only in my heart,

But I dream of fully realizing all that you are.

My longing, is for your gaze,

My empty, is where I crave to feel you,

Even though I know, I am but a small fragment

In all of this, all of you,

and yet I am you so completely,

That I’m never without you,

I still feel you missing

As I am here now,

In this separate moment

Turns out it’s glass

Ready to shatter all over again.

I don’t think I could handle that ever again though.

I’m so worn out from this tedious journey,

I’ve taken this turn towards rage in my feelings for you,

I feel like I’ve been drowning in this toxic hell.

Every time you post something that makes you appear thoughtful, deep, or pensive,

And all my family, our friends, lap it up like you’re some

Sensitive, soft hearted, feeler,

Some artist, inspired, with an eye for beauty,

As if you’re expressing anything other than a desire to be perceived in a particular way.

I hate you, because you lied to me, and now I’m the only person who knows that is not you,

You can’t even think about your feelings without getting angry at me,

And express them, talk about them at all?

Heaven forbid your heart ever be truly vulnerable to anyone,

Even those that you’ve convinced you love.

You share nothing real, nothing of substance, your gaze lands on the beauty of this world skin deep,

But you see nothing beyond, and nothing inside it.

I hate you, because you’ve maintained this fucking front for so long, and every time I see this thoughtful side of you,

Held out for the rest of the world to see,

And realize it’s all I’ve ever craved, but he’s not even real,

Dripping with fullness,

Full lips, full hips.

Overflowing cup,

Drink from me.

Succulent energy that oozes

Titillation.

Amrita to arouse your senses,

Emitting pleasure and richness.

Overwhelming stimulation,

Energetically palpable presence.

Addicted to the tension,

The moisture of anticipation.

Anointed with a sensual stare,

An eagerness to be devoured.

Let’s bring these aching forces together,

Clearly say

“You’re doing amazing”

Thank you for still

Taking time to be proud of me

Even though you’re not here.

I love you.

Today, I cried for you.

You’ve been gone just over a month now,

And when I saw you last, I used my chapstick

On your lips,

Because they were dry and you were suffering.

And I slipped it back in my bag,

But there’s two chapsticks in there,

And I don’t know which one is yours,

So I can’t use either,

Because it’ll be one more trace of you

Swept from this world

And I haven’t even digested

The fact that you’re gone yet.

I’ve had chapped lips for a month now.

Because I can’t remember which chapstick is yours.

I don’t think I’d survive without poetry

The only safe place to scream into the void

About the aching agony it is to be

Perpetually longing for the feeling of

Oneness

In this very separate moment of

Isolation.

Nothing but poetry could tell the

Story in painted words, about you and I

And our eternal love

Over and over we dance in desire

We writhe in anguish

We scream, we fight, we make the most beautiful

Love.

We return to one another

We always return, in the end.

Of every small story.

Pour forth,

Quenching, flow,

Satiate a thirst he always carries.

Call to him

To come into this moment

Of love, of nurture, of exchange.

My heart cries for you,

And only you could answer this call.

These hot tears only quelled

By your cool, comforting touch.

Embrace.

Embrace.

I’m not sure if you exist at all.

This person I’ve made up in my mind,

In the deep, tender, untouched parts of my heart...

That might be the only place our love ever lives,

An answer I made up to an unanswerable prayer:

To be seen by eyes with the power to tear away every layer that keeps you and I from being one.

To feel someone reaching into this aching ocean and touching it so completely, it dissolves.

To love someone who wants to give it all to me, every tired, worn out, yearning peice.

To be the safe place, to my safe space.

Maybe, what I desire, really is too much to be.

Maybe two people are not meant to become one, and maybe what I’m craving is the result of a lifetime of damage that can’t be undone.

Maybe you’re not out there thinking about me,

And maybe I need to stop living my life