CoppeRoses

I hate involuntary coping mechanisms. Wdym my five minute walk was actually 40, wdym I was only “there” for five minutes of my walk. I remember each step I took and every turn I was fully aware. It was five minutes. It was 40. Wdym my brain is already pulling me away from mundane tasks again. Wdym I’m disassociating everything that isnt centered around this one specific thing. No, I’m not sad idk why my sibling would say I looked sad or “not there” or sick. I’m aware. I’m here. This is just a big change for me, I’m dealing with it just fine. Yes, this is a good change and I’m celebrating, I don’t know why it’s suddenly 5:30 pm. It should be like, 3pm? My body disagrees. How still was I standing to be hurting like this? I wasn’t standing still? I don’t remember standing still. I was fully aware of everything, but I wasn’t standing still. Wdym you saw me still for half an hour? I wasn’t. I don’t remember that. That couldn’t have happened. Yes I do remember eating. You were there. We had dinner. Dinner. No, it wasn’t two days ago you’re lying. You’re lying I remember it clearly. I’ve eaten. It doesn’t matter that that dinner was before the big news it doesn’t matter there’s no correlation I promise. It must’ve just. Slipped my mind. Honestly. I don’t know what day it is. It’s Thursday. It’s Monday. It should be Thursday, it feels like Thursday. It’s Monday. Today is Monday. The Call is on Wednesday, you’re excited for it. I’m excited for it. It should be Thursday. It’s all over on Thursday. I can’t wait until Thursday. I’ll feel better Thursday. I already forgot this morning, I’ll start remembering again Thursday. It’s better for me on Thursday.

Is it that I “don’t look like I’m trying to be trans” or is it your internalized misogyny telling you I’m a lost girl who’s jumping on the next trend, or that no “real” man would ever want to look like a weak woman.