makayla

Can’t Close My Eyes Living in constant anxiousness of my surroundings gets annoying. I don’t want to be wary of every window, nervous in the dark. I constantly have eyes on me. Something waiting to attack. You just have to make sure you’re constantly aware, can’t let your guard down once. It’s pretty strenuous actually, not being able to shut your eyes during every day tasks. During showers, washing my face, thinking. Just to rest them even. I can’t recall the last time I shut my eyes comfortably that wasn’t from just pure exhaustion. I just wish I had the simple joys in life. Resting midday, enjoying a nice long shower, shutting your eyes to really listen to something. I can’t just do that, and it’s draining.

"Most people grow with time so no need to shame yourself for growing," you say to me. They're probably just words to you, having a meaning but nothing deeper than that, but to me they do. It's one of those simple but eye-opening things. You do that a lot. I never really thought of time moving as growing. I just thought of it as the possibility of repeating things. Not really moving past them. But you, oh you, you think of it as something more. You see it as traveling. Becoming something new. Replacing the old. You see it as not being able to go back. If you're just walking you can always turn around, but if you're growing, man if you're growing, you can only go up. You may stop growing a little on a bad day, but you'll still be working your way to the stars.

There's something about you, something different, something new. Like an experience, a vacation of sorts. You put me at ease. Every single thought I've had about every single thing, you've changed it, as if you're the new outlook on life that everyone tries to find. I don't really know what I did to deserve it, and I don't know if there's a god. All I really, truly know is that if there is a god, he's a good one and I wish I could thank him continuously for giving me you. Letting us both be born in the same time frame, letting our paths connect, somehow letting us arrive together perfectly. Undeniably perfect timing if you ask me.

I’m so in love. It isn’t the fast, madly kind, no I don’t believe in that and I don’t like the idea. This kind of love, it’s something different. That no romantic movie or book could’ve prepared me for. It wasn’t at all once, it was slow growing. Much like a blooming flower. I didn’t really realize that it was growing, then one day, it was there. Formed by the love of a best friend, a person you can count on for anything. A person you just, understand. This wasn’t the easy “we locked eyes and I knew,” no, nothing like that. This love was growing, and still is. It is blinding. It is radiant. It is brighter and fuller than the most beautiful sunflower. I would give and will give my everything to this sunflower, I will make sure it continues growing and glowing and just radiating pure positivity. This is my sunflower that I share with someone. The most perfect sunflower, that I share with the most perfect person.

I'm starting this blog today. I hope to fill it with words of kindness, maybe words that aren't. I hope to show my love for my boyfriend and my gratitude for my friends. I hope to show them some day