🜲

I obviously assumed at first it was Tee and I messaged her because I wanted justice for my mutual -it wasn’t in the end, stupid me-. @/P**rsirens was going around and sharing that post to just anyone and mocking me for it at the time. However, I knew she couldn’t have gotten that post from anywhere since no one really reblogged it, so who could have sent that post?

But then I thought to myself, maybe I’m being crazy. Why would someone take their time to send my post to someone else?

How wrong I was.

Anyways, as soon as that post was sent, that was the start of me getting racial slurs thrown at me. Repeatedly. The people who got the post rained me with insults. Now, this is where @/osamwah or formerly known as @/wriotheslay, Malia pops into the story.

Malia and I were mutuals, and I assumed we had an okay relationship. But the timeline I was getting rained on by those racist anons, a lot of my mutuals did not care. Not one person said anything underneath any of those asks defending me, I was completely on my own. But that was fine. I didn’t want anyone to get hate because of me. Plus I assumed no one else was seeing my posts.

But here comes my problem with Malia.

While I was receiving those asks, there was one very passive aggressive ask I received:

I was too busy dealing with the racist asks to deal with someone being passive aggressive towards me. But then later on, after I was done, I decided to check on that particular ask and realized that the timeline between my ip tracker and the ask matched up. Just like how I discovered that anon, I realized the user could not link back to their account like others. The country the person was from lined up with two of my mutuals, and one wasn’t online. But you know who was posting at that time?

Malia.

I decided foolishly, I was jumping to conclusions. For all I know, perhaps Malia hadn’t seen my posts. I decided that in between getting racist asks, I’ll reblog posts and see something. I believe Malia liked and reblogged one of the posts, which was in between me bombarded by hate. Which was funny because here I was fighting off the doubts in my head, knowing that she could actually see it. I assumed that it was someone else, another user. Only to check my counter and realize that the ips matched.

I’ve never told anybody this before. Who the hell was going to believe me unless I show her ip, doxxing her? I was scared of causing more problems. I decided to keep my eyes peeled and each passive aggressive ask matched my timeline with my counter and the ip address.

(I will NOT be showing anyone’s IP to prove anything. I am not giving that information out to anyone.)

After the encounter, I decided to keep it a secret. When my post exposing papersirens was said and done, I unfollowed her and Rhy and just anyone who just left me. I did want to confront Malia, but I had enough arguments, and my other mutual friend at the time was still close friends with her.

I decided to let sleeping dogs lie, like a fool.

Now let’s get to Rhy aka Benkeibear, in a moment. And lex, formerly sin-and-punshiment.

When I made the p**ersirens post I tagged different people on there. Malia ignored the post, which was fine, but there was someone who took it a step further, saying they didn’t want to be involved in discourse publicly:

Now, what made me react to that post is that lex was calling my post drama. Which trivializes the sheer harassment I was receiving repeatedly. This was what Lex was calling drama btw:

And btw, Kei reblogged the post agreeing with Lex:

Now, the thing is, while I was being bombarded by hate, Rhy never did message me until I came out with my call out posts. She never made a post or anything. Which is fine. But then the second she saw what I said to Lex, she proceeded to jump on and defend Lex:

The thing that annoyed the living hell out of all of this is the fact she said Lex hated confrontation. I believe if you genuinely hate confrontation, you would have silently blocked me instead of saying anything at all but that’s just me. I decided this was the end of my friendship with both Rhy and Lex because I will not allow two white women who have never gotten a racist ask in their entire life to gaslight me into thinking I was crazy for reacting the way I did.

And the thing is even after all of this, I never told anyone who to unfollow Lex. I always said if you still want to be friends with her, stay friends with her.

But guess who got mass blocked by people I know and I didn’t know after Lex’s post? Me.

Lastly, @/prncessrindou or Kei. To @/sunarc or Bri and Malia, Kei wasn’t telling you the truth. Kei was also tagged in that post and the thing is contrary to what the anon said, I tagged anyone that was following me at the time. Not just black authors. Not just Kei.

Where I had an issue with Kei was when my mutual was sent these asks while my anons were turned off:

Obviously I was pissed. Me and Kei are not that close. How the hell was I being bombarded with racist posts, which Kei never publicly said anything defending me, the cause of Kei deleting her blog? Then Kei came back on tumblr and confronted me:

I was really pissed. I was told in the past that Kei was harassed into deleting her other accounts and I wanted to stand up for her, which was why I spoke about it in Tee's post. I never mentioned her new account’s name or even her nickname. But I guess I was an idiot.

Eventually, this culminated in me practically being blacklisted. And I was fine with that. This was happening in the background. And to nail the coffin in the head, you know what hurt the most? When I talked to P**persirens and asked her who sent the post, this is what she told me:

I was right all along. My post was forwarded by none other than @/kakujis, who opened me to my eventual ruination. I later found out that this person was my mutual’s mutual, who must have seen the post on her account.

So in the end, I wasn’t crazy. I was right about every single thing I suspected. I was stabbed in the back by multiple people in February.

If the story ended there, I would have gone in peace. But no. Unfortunately, I never knew how fucked I was. From people sending me hate anons every single week to being ignored. Look at how fucking pathetic I sound begging people to stop sending me slurs:

I still kept strong because I had mutual friends and I had my fic. I decided to make a server dedicated to my mutuals, since the tokyo revengers server I wanted to make would have been a flop since I was blacklisted. It was funny how many people who turned their backs on me used me as a stepping stone to continue writing for TR when they felt hopeless in the fandom. Everything I said was interpreted as aggressive. Even just giving my anime opinions, which I’ve been doing for years now, was seen as me being sad and bitter. If you’re seeing this as a black woman right now, perhaps being described as aggressive, sad and bitter when you’re just talking sounds very familiar right?

Still I decided I was still going to stand up for my mutuals. I decided that nobody will ever go through the pain and loneliness I went through fighting for my damn life on this app. I never knew that by doing that I was TRULY digging my own grave like a damn fool. For a moment, I forgot I was a black woman and how the world truly perceived any action that isn’t remotely obedient. Perhaps my wake up call was when one of my moots in my server was being harassed and I jumped to her defense on tumblr, not even listening to reason, only for her to say we had taken it too far. This was someone getting repeated hateful asks and something she seemed deeply affected by.

I was a damned fool. 

And perhaps, the biggest wake up call happened on Saturday, after I was informed Kei left the server.

What really happened?

On Saturday, I got a text from Zaya, formerly known as Manjibunny, who was an admin for my server. She had told me Kei left the server and had mentioned she was afraid of me being upset with her.

Now, if you remember Kei, you remember we had a falling out. But we had settled it and later, when Naj wanted me to add her, I gave her the link. Throughout her stay on my server, I never once said anything bad about her. I never said anything about Malia. Or even Bri. I never said anything about them on that server. You’ll see why I’m mentioning it in a minute.

Now, while I was in school settling down, Kei had left the server. In the past there had been people who left the server and not once. ONCE have I ever attacked them for leaving. If I have attacked you for leaving my server, you’re free to say it now. Right now.

Obviously, I was worried. I had left highpri3stess and I left my old self behind. I started afresh and I decided to have peace of mind. So I wondered if I did anything. Another thing I was worried about was that I posted my new account’s name and I was worried that she’d give it out. To be very honest, I did not trust Kei. But I wanted to hear from her and her reasons.

But you know what? Apparently, she didn’t trust me either.

Earlier that day, Zaya and the others at the honeypot server had a falling out over something. And honestly, it’s not my story to tell, because I’m more concerned with myself. But later that day a discussion in the vent section came up, mentioning me.

And then Kei had assumed Zaya had told me what she said at the vent section when I messaged her. Meanwhile, I was told this was a private dm. I never knew about what she said about me or this discussion at that point in time, so when she started being cryptic, I got annoyed and told her to be outright with it and then this shit show went down:

If you know Kei, I want you to ask her personally to mention an instance where I had harassed a person that left my server. Genuinely. And when I was angry, she started labeling me as aggressive

Now, at this point, Zaya decided to tell me what had truly happened in the server:

This was me everyone was talking about. And if you need proof it was me they were talking about:

Now, there are some claims Kei made that I want to clarify:

The truth is, she didn’t “forgive me” I forgave her because she was the one in the wrong for agreeing that what happened to me drama. not me and then I apologized right back:

So that is lie number 1. I did not come to Kei. She came to me.

Another thing I want to clarify is I never forced Kei to be on my server. In fact, Naj asked me if she could invite her and I told her explicitly to mention it’s me that owns it. I’m not just a “mod”. I made that server with my sweat and tears. I did everything in my power to make sure Kei was comfortable there. When she talked about her health issues, we comforted her. Nobody ever bullied or hurt her on my server for ONE day. Nobody even knew I had a falling out with Kei apart from Naj and Zaya. I never mentioned it again because it was in the past.

At some point I asked her about her health because I wanted to be a good person.

I also want to clarify that Malia and Kei saying I go after anyone for no reason, is a fatass lie. These are the instances that I’ve gone after anyone for something they said:

Black writers should stop writing for black girls

Getou should fuck the racism out of suguru getou

Writers should edit their work etc

Sending anons for no reason

Even when I do mention the things that happened in February, I do not mention names. Unlike Malia the stalker, because you’ve blocked me a while ago and somehow, you still know exactly what I do, I say my piece, block and go. I don’t mention their names, not because of fear or anything, because trust me if I truly wanted problems I would scream their names. But I don’t want people attacking them. In the past, I have disagreed with people publicly, only to find out that someone is sending anon hate on my behalf and I instantly shut it down. I am not an evil person who wants to hurt people. I could have pretended I didn’t see it happening but I didn't. That is why I don’t mention their names in the post.

I won't let you call me agressive for talking about fandom racism. I have never policed either of you for anything you posted, and you don't have the right to police me or my tone. If you don't wish to talk about it, it's fine, but I do not want to hear shit from anyone.

Also, I am not responsible for any parasocial relationships anyone forms with me. Kei, I’m speaking to you directly, I do not encourage my followers to say anything to anyone. You can ask them that I tell them PERSONALLY to stop when things go far.

Now, back to the main problem.

Now, I blew up obviously and then you saw the aftermath of everything. Well, not the entire aftermath. The entire aftermath ended up with Zaya saying she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Which is understandable. It was a good thing because for months, I’ve hid and tolerated everything that has happened to me, simply because I was told to keep quiet. It’s holding and hoarding my emotions for the sake of friendship that has led to my decline and me lashing out.

I’m glad. The friendship felt like a fucking shackle and I was dragging you around until you were sick of me. To be honest, I myself was tired. You were friends with people who hurt me and you stayed friends with them until you got involved. You let people walk all over you and you couldn’t see it with your two eyes. But I could and I tried to tell you, but then again I didn’t want to be the toxic friend.

However, I am my biggest enemy.

Lastly, before I go, I want to say, this isn’t the first time Malia has done this to a black author. Demonizing them and then isolating them. Raise your hand if you’ve heard about Noritopia.

Let me tell you a story.

A few months ago, I believed Noritopia had followed my mutual, as shown here and she asked me if I knew her:

Now, after this, she had asked Malia if she knew Noritopia. And Malia said Noritopia was a toxic person and she shouldn’t associate with her. And when Zaya asked why, Malia had said that Noritopia once had a server and she felt uncomfortable about her and made a separate group. What did Malia make this separate group to do? She made it to “air out her grievances” about Nori. And when Nori found out, she blew up at Malia and the others and then they left Nori out. (This was the vn, but I’m summarizing it)

Does this sound familiar? If it does, ding ding ding.

Malia has a very strange knack of demonizing black authors. I’m not going to call her racist because there’s no point. I’m just pointing out a very strange pattern. From the weird anons. To all this. Really. This is a concerning pattern. I would also like to talk about you liking posts defending Ezra, whilst saying you hate his actions, this was around the time I was getting racist hate and that particular anon:

Or Malia being plain weird with an interesting joke:

In conclusion: My biggest regret remains being on this app in the first place. I let everyone set me up for stupidity and the second I went off the rails, everybody tried to hide that they were involved. I’m my worst enemy. That’s the truth really, but not in the way you think. In a bid to decenter myself and protect others, I ended up being a self-destructive fool.

Truthfully, I can point fingers at everyone involved and try to pinpoint the blame, but I’m my own problem. I let my empathy blind my instinct and I forgave Kei. I kept talking to Zaya even after I opened up that I don’t trust Malia and I should have actually made her pick a side and ended the friendship then and there. I took on issues to protect people and talked about racism and world issues, but everything I said was always taken as an aggressive attack until I couldn't take it anymore.

edit and a new one:

If you kept getting harrassed every single month, none of you would last one minute in my my shoes. I wanted to kill myself. I want to kill myself then maybe people will finally, FINALLY leave me alone and have some form of empathy for every single thing I've been going through alone. Would it take someone dying for you guys to realize that racism affects people's mental health? Is that it?