So I know I’ve talked about my struggle with anorexia and all my body positivity.  So this might sound a bit hypocritical or like I’m falling back into my old ways, which is honestly a constant struggle with my disease because I’m always torn between not wanting to fall back into bad habits/old ways/self loathing because of my body but I do still want to be healthy and to look and feel good.  I’m torn between trying to take care of myself and stay in shape and that fear of it going too far.  So, I make sure to eat at least two nutritious meals a day (breakfast and dinner) and have a light lunch in the middle of my day.  I work out for an hour to 2 hours every day (this isn’t just to lose weight, that’s more of a side effect of it; I have asthma and I want to make sure I can still breathe when I’m older and working out helps with my mental health, it keeps me happier). I also started a Teatox on Friday (March 31st) it has a day tea and a night tea, the day tea to be taken every morning and the night tea to be taken every other night for 21 days (its by a brand called Nature, I bought it off Amazon).  The experience hasn’t been entirely pleasant (lots of time on the toilet, if you know what I mean) so it’s kind of prevented me from going to the gym for the last couple days (frustrating). I also started using this product called 3-D Slim by Eveline, its a lotion that you put on areas you’d like to lose fat, cellulite or stretch marks. I put that on my thighs, belly, and lower back every morning and every evening (also since Friday, March 31st).  When I started using these products my waist was 27″ and now its 25.5″ in just 3 days.   While both have had positive results I don’t so much recommend the tea because of its negative and unpleasant effects (although they prove that it is working and I’m going to keep trying and update after I’ve finished my teatox).  I do recommend the lotion, it has a warm feeling to indicate that it’s working but I’d definitely like to see what happens when I get to start working out again while I’m using it because it says the best results come with a healthy diet and regular exercise.  This time I don’t feel like I’m hating my body, just touching it up so I can feel more comfortable in a bathing suit or in shorts. I’ve actually been relatively happy with my body’s appearance as of the last year, sometimes having days where I totally hate myself for it but not nearly as often as I used to.  I’m just doing this to feel even better and less self conscious.  If I’m being entirely honest, in the last year I’ve gone from weighing 160+lb to weighing around 135lb and being a dress size 10/12 to a 4/6(US) and jeans I’ve gone from a 12/13 to a 7/8 (US) and workout pants I’ve gone from a medium to a small (the ones I just bought a few weeks ago say that they’re a US 6). I don’t physically see the difference that much and clothing sizes come out of no actually logical system (at least not for US sizes) but it is interesting. My thighs still look just as big to me as they always have (except at certain points in my life when I’ve gained noticeable amounts of weight: after I started dating a stoner and stopped playing soccer, after I got my driver’s license so I didn’t have to walk everywhere and could easily go buy junk food, freshman year of college where the food has no nutritional value so I was just consuming empty calories and still feeling hungry and also smoking even more weed than before so I was snacking even when I wasn’t hungry) but I really don't hate my thighs for being big anymore, I’d rather have thicker thighs than twigs to stand on. I’d rather be strong than weak.  I know my bones are big so some things are unattainable and I’m okay with that.  Me working out every day and doing this detox and using the lotion are my ways of staying strong and healthy while shaping the parts of my body that I’d like to fix. 

Thank you, your support means so much <3 I know its hard to confront your abuser, and everyone does it in their own time but I can honestly say that I feel so much better and lighter, like a load has been taken off my back, since I did it.  I encourage you to confront yours, when you feel the time is right. You don’t even have to give them the personal time of saying it to their face because they don’t deserve that.  I confronted my rapist (who was my ex boyfriend, which is part of what made it take so long) over instagram DMs, partially because that’s the only way he has to contact me (he deleted his facebook, and I blocked him from my snapchat).  He was sending me links to so many things just to keep a conversation going and I could tell that he still hadn’t moved on from me (even though its been nearly 4 years since we broke up). Finally I had had enough and my boyfriend didn’t want to see me get torn down every time I had a flashback to the specific event (or any of the other times), and I didn’t want him to see me that way, I didn’t want to be that way anymore. I knew I was stronger than that and my boyfriend reminded that I was. As for the eating disorder, just try to be healthy without letting it get out of hand. I’m still working on mine and it’s hard af, but you just have to try and love yourself as much as possible because you deserve it. I’ve found that if I exercise daily for about an hour and a half I don’t feel as compelled to starve myself, I don’t know if that will help you but let me know if there is anything I can do that will help you. I believe in you, you are strong and you will make it <3

I've been struggling and fighting for nearly 10 years. My weight has fluctuated from 120-160 lbs and now back down to the 140 I'm at now. By UK standards I'm extremely healthy, by US standards I'm overweight. I've starved myself, taken pills and supplements, done ridiculous cleanses, excessively gone to the gym, you name it, I've probably tried it in order to lose weight. But I'm a big boned, muscular woman. I've come to love my body with all its curves and stretch marks. But I still sometimes fall back into old habits of binge eating and then not eating for days at a time. I'm scared. I want to be healthy, to eat right and exercise, but it's so easy to get caught up in that and let it get out of hand. Overworking my body to the point of near collapse because I don't believe I've done enough and I definitely haven't eaten enough to give myself the energy to do that. Remember to love your body and treat it right, you only get one. If someone else has a problem with your size then maybe they aren't worth your time.

When your boyfriend likes all the photos on insta posted by the girl he was seeing before you but not yours. And also made her a nice ceramic mug in the spring but is yet to make one for you and didn't even get you a card for your 21st birthday. I generally don't care about social media and material things but it feels a little odd and uncomfortable. Like how much did he really like her and why did/does he treat her differently? Why is he still giving her attention? Maybe I'm just worried because I'll be abroad in the spring and I have no idea whats going to happen to our relationship.

(sidenote: as he was leaving he complimented my music taste because my phone was the one we were playing music off of. We were listening to Beats Antique)