Private Diary of a Human-Person-Thing

were never going to be together, and stress free

continually bothered by winter break

i had the best day with jack- first spring day of the year walking around cambridge. 

and now hes gone.

And who the fuck cares.

Me: This sucks

You: But its worth it.

You: I love you

What does it mean if your boyfriend cant spend a week with you straight?

What does it mean if your boyfriend is so inflexible to any adversity that he cant spend a week with you?

Its pretty obvious that I shouldnt stay the entire spring break. He’ll have work and cross fit both thursday and friday, so i should leave Wednesday-based on winter break experience he wont be able to handle the addition of me being there- he can barely text me on days hes slightly stressed- but at the same time- this isnt an issue that will resolve with time, and maybe instead of it being a test for jack to see if he can handle it for himself, it should be a test for me if i should be in this relationship. I love him so fucking much, but dating someone who has no way of dealing with his feelings himself- taking no responsibility for them, putting them on me- isnt actually sustainable, and i begrudgingly must say, that is not who I would marry, since....thats not something that is going to get better, nots not something sustainable. Im scared. God. I love him. Hes perfect. god damn perfect. but hes not... as hes shown me a lot. 

As said in reference to politics you cant be afraid to lose, bc when youre afraid to lose youre not genuine and people know that. I think the same thing can be said for a relationship. here i am really really afraid to lose jack but thats preventing me from being realistic and seeing the entire situation. He should be able to handle a little extra stress- can you imagine living with/having kids with someone who lacks total flexibility and emotional stability? 

HMPH.

we are doing a lot better. but sometimes i feel like the only way to get his attention is to ignore him.

conflicted. 

Things said today that bothered me, “if when you graduated youre still being controlled by your parents thats probably a deal breaker”

“you should set attainable goals”

When all this was happening- before I thought you were dead, after you called me from the strip club, wasted, shouting “let me see that puss”, after you texted me you wanted to die- i remember wondering if this meant i had to break up with you. then i thought you were dead, then i thought id never see, speak, touch you again, and i thought i couldn’t live a day without you. 

but you are fine (thank god) and when wasted you made out with other people which brings me, begrudgingly back to, does this mean i have to break up with you?

god that sucked to type. 

i cant decide if its an ounce of homophobia but it disgusts me. thats cheating. you cheated. and you glazed over it. you were intimate. i bet they grabbed your dick.

i can get over this but am i supposed to? im not that weak person i used to be. i love myself. i have value. im attractive. is he fucking around with me? do i want to date someone who is an alcoholic? do i want to date someone who is suicidal?

2017: this shits gonna be depressing, huh?

2017: this isnt what we asked for

2017: whole lot like 2016

2017: to everyones astonishment, my family is still dysfunctional

i thought everything was good and great.