the void in which i speak

I've done EVERYTHING possible to keep myself preoccupied and distracted - playing guitar, writing songs, painting, coloring, journaling, making gifts for friends, working on digital creation projects, ATTEMPTING production work, doom-scrolling tumblr and pinterest, watching youtube videos, refreshing all three sites over and over and overrrr again, binging new shows, listening to new music, having dance breaks, trying to read again (heavy on try), like I mean EVERYTHING. And I still have other things on my mind too! I wanna get back into animal crossing, try my hand at rollerskating again, do my hair, start a scrapbook, study astrology again and keep a journal, and paint on clothes and gather inventory for a depop shop. I have so many little things I've been doing and little things I want to do, but I'm just getting so TIRED. Like my life is just at a standstill and in a waiting period right now, and I just crave change so BAD. I'm sick of being stuck in the house, I'm sick of being stuck in the heat, I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of being broke, and I'm sick of trying to DISTRACT myself from all of those things! Cause when I get tired of trying to distract myself, I just remember that I'm not where I want to be and it's so frustrating and I feel so restless because I want to start the motion, I wanna start the walk to GET where I want to be and it's so agitating that right now I just have to wait.

I'm just being dramatic about it but I mean seriously, like SERIOUSLY.

There was this pick-a-card "you've got mail!" reading that kept showing up on my dash. And it was sooo adorable but I kept avoiding it. When it comes to tarot and things of spiritual nature, I really do not like to indulge very heavily in that side of the internet. I have a really firm belief that algorithms and the internet really fuck with the authenticity of divine messaging. I believe that some messages that find you can certainly be meant for you - but if you are constantly indulging in tarot and spiritual content, then algorithms and the internet are just going to push that in your orbit to get more engagement and clicks from you - which means you will constantly be face to face with energies and messages that's aren't meant for you!

I'm just balancing logic with intuition here. Because I do believe in spiritual forces, but I also know how the damn internet works 😭. I don't want to be naive, so I stay veryyy very far away from those like, Tiktok Tarot-teen types who comment "claim without xyz" under every freaking video. It feels very misled and a surface level-way almost fast-and-overconsumption way of engaging with spiritual energies. But I'm not trying to get into that right now, I just really needed to get it off my chest because it irks me so bad.

So this was one of those cases. The pick-a-card reading kept getting recommended on my dash, and I felt drawn to it, but I just ignored it. Finally after like the 5th time of seeing it and having to stop and stare at it for a little, I finally decided not to scroll and I watched it.

.. bitch my chest 😭. Like my GOD. This is one of my favorite things about tarot and spiritual content. When it resonates so DEEPLY and specifically that it's almost SCARY. That it feels like they were talking directly to you or they know exactly what your life is like despite being a complete stranger. The coincidences and how uncanny they are - too uncanny to JUST be coincidence, and it truly feels like something sent your way with intention. Something you needed to hear. And they really cement that this was meant for you specifically through the details that feel so specific and true to your life and experiences. It's so spooky. But I love it, and sometimes it can be comforting but other times it can be frustrating because again, I SWEAR my angels are liars. (Saying this with love, but seriously it really feels like you guys keep lying to me! 😭)

I say this because with this specific reading, I was drawn to 2 piles. It's not even that I couldn't choose, it was literally just that both felt like they had something for me. And both of them did! They were back to back, piles 2 and 3, and they both felt like a continuation of the other. It was spooky. Reading through 2 and then reading 3 as if it was just a sequel to 2. And it resonated extremely specifically and close to home - validating my intuitive thoughts and feelings on the situation with this person. It felt exactly like something they would say to me if they knew how to open up. Because they don't open up very easily. And so many things between us and with them in general go unspoken. They are very careful about what they say. But my intuition is incredibly strong with them - confirmed in our astrological synastry too. We have 8th and 12th house synastry which is prone to feeling like you know and understand someone - like you can see right through them, even when they put up walls. And it's TERRIFYING! To see exactly what they're going through and how they're feeling even when they don't tell you, and seeing it be confirmed in real time. We're naturally in sync in a lot of different ways, and again SPOOKY. But anyway, back to the reading - this pick-a-pile just really confirmed my intuition on our situation in terms of how they feel and how they've been doing. But not only did it validate my own inner downloads, but it was completely on par with other messages I've received about this person! I received another reading a while back that was also in regards to them - and this reading felt completely on par with that one. This combined with further signs and coincidences makes it feel like the universe is sending me these hints and this message over and over again as way of reassurance and confidence in our bond.

TLDR: This is not my first time getting this message! My angels keep repeating these reassurances, sending these same signs and hints. Over and over and OVER again.

But I just feel like I can't TRUST it. And that's not really intuition - I know for sure that that is anxiety. Someone once said "intuition whsipers, anxiety screams." And that's exactly how it feels. These messages and hints and signs are sent to me softly and gently, and they are like a little tug on the back of my skirt. A reminder, a soft reassurance. "Trust us." But my anxiety literally SCREAMS, like I genuinely have moments where I feel crazy and I go a little insane because after everything that's happened, it doesn't feel like I can trust it. It doesn't feel like I can trust myself. I keep getting hurt and disappointed and I can't keep going through that! Everytime I think I'm getting better or I think I've found the answers or I think I've met someone who will stay, it's never true! I don't get better - things get bad again. I don't find the answers - I feel confused and lost all over again. And everytime I meet someone who I love and care for deeply they don't. stay. And I get so hurt every. single. time. I'm afraid to trust this message. I'm afraid to trust these signs. I want to believe - I need something to believe in so badly, because then what would be the point? If I don't believe things get better and that people will be good to me, then the alternative is that it doesn't and that I can't trust anyone. And that's not only really pessimistic, but a painful truth to bear. I don't want that! But I don't want to be hurt again either. So when my angels send me these signs - these messages that feel so real and true that I want to believe so bad.. I just can't. Not anymore. I trusted them when they sent me these signs before, and it didn't work out. It has continuously just not. worked. out. So what makes this time any different? Why should I believe you now? Just because you keep repeating yourself to me I should have faith in the consistency and take that as a sign for things to be true? I don't want to be disappointed again. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to be deluded. It is a sick disease, and every disappointment that comes with it kills me. My chest hurts so bad. It was a beautiful reading and I'm very grateful to have saw it. I'm grateful for these things because they keep me connected to a sense of higher forces and spirituality. They make me want to learn more and practice more and understand more about the spiritual and divine world. They make me want to keep journals of my readings, practice tarot more, and study more - which I really enjoy. The journey, the exploration, and the learning. But the hardest part is just the uncertainty. I want to hug this reading close and take it as true because it was not just deeply resonant, but deeply sweet. And I'd like to believe in it. I'd like to believe in me. But I've been hurt and disappointed so many times that I just don't know if I can.

but what else is fucking new