i hope i can find a version of myself i’ll be comfortable with. i’ve been through a lot & i try to avoid coming to terms with it. even telling my friend about it, overwhelmed me. they knew that. i hope the shit i went through doesn’t ruin my chance at love again. i want the feeling of butterflies when you catch each other’s eyes at the same time, and the touch of someone gently grabbing your arm at the store. i want to be vulnerable again. but idk if i can

still hurts me that i have absolutely no one who understands what kind of fucked up hell my brain makes me suffer through everyday

just five minutes ago you called me in your work bathroom because it's so busy that your boss won't let you send a text to me saying that it is in fact busy during your shift. you call to say that before you leave for a week you're going to stop by tonight to say hello and hug me until we can again. as you say you love me and have to leave my throat seems to close as i say i love you back. the call cuts off and now i'm sitting here. in my room. no one around to talk to. crying. a month ago i would be scrolling through god know what and doing regular things. maybe i'd be with a friend or maybe i'd be watching some dumb movie but i wouldn't be crying over you. it's insane what love can do to someone. a week is seven days time. seven days without going to your house to watch the dumb movies with you instead of alone a month ago. seven days without falling asleep in your bed because the movies are so dumb i can't even get through half an hour without turning over to shove my face in your chest and doze off. seven days without your scent on my clothes after spending an entire day with you. if i were someone outside of my body and i was speaking to myself about this. i'd say seven days was nothing. seven days will go by quickly, you'll see him soon and everything will be okay. but i'm inside of my body and i know these seven days are going to suck. i'm stupid for being so upset over seven days when people send their husbands to war for a year or more. but me being seventeen and finding this love for you in such little time. makes this week feel like a year to me. love will mess you up. and so will a small bathroom phone call just to say i love you and we are busy.

i spent today tucked in a bed with a boy that only a month ago i was afraid to look in the eyes. i don't feel butterflies when i'm next to him that make me feel sick. i don't hide my face or pull my shirt down when it rises up slightly. i feel comfortable around him. i never thought this was what comfortable was. i thought laying in a bed comfortably with your boyfriend meant extreme pains from anxiety and constantly feeling like you had to look perfect. i have make up running down my face after a nap with him and still get called beautiful and i just never thought this was going to be reality.

i can tell you're lonely. you want me to say i'll leave him for you. ill come running back to you. but i cannot apologize. i waited forever for you to say the things you're saying now but i can't enjoy it. i feel sadness for you. i've found him. he made me realize how awful we were. yes i loved you. i can't say i've stopped. but i do know it's different love. the love is for you to be safe. stay alive. keep loving. you'll find someone. i found someone. and i only wish these feelings for you. just not with me.

i tell you to stop. stop saying you were awful. stop saying you were the worst thing for me. stop saying i should've ended it before you did. just stop. because i've wanted to hear these words for months. i've wanted to make you hate yourself for months. but now you do. of course now you do. god out of all the time you could hate yourself you choose now. whatever idk. you make me upset with these games but at least you're realizing you're not the best thing out there anymore.