relationship: astarion/wulbren bongle (you heard me)
rating: e
ongoing, updated every tuesday
slow burn, pining, banter, emotional constipation - see ao3 for full tag list
After all the preparation and struggle it took to destroy the Steel Watch, one shot by an irrelevant prick sets off a chain reaction that takes down Wulbrenās Ironhands. A prick with no less than seventeen pillows in his corner of camp, who spends all his time looking in a mirror he canāt even see himself in, and who, in no uncertain terms, doesnāt really ādoā gnomes.
A prick who Wulbren is falling for. Hard.
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Hi! Welcome to the Bonglestarion fic. *slaps roof of car* This bad boy can fit so much love for the fandomās most hated character in it. I started this fic ages ago on a whim as a āhow would this ship workā challenge to myself and it turns out (imho) really fucking well, actually! Iām really happy with how it turned out, and if you like emotionally repressed assholes hopelessly in love, maybe you will like it too. You can read it on AO3 here š«¶
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Ohhh, where do I begin. I think it's the way he addresses his goblin subordinates, the way he calls them "boys", like a mob boss :D and they do call him "boss" or "boss Ragzlin" in return, and seem to adore him! It's an unusual thing for hobgoblin, they do normally command goblin (and bugbear) mobs, but rarely are they close with them. And here we have a big and powerful hobgoblin, one fully aware of his status, and so full of himself too, power tripping and calling himself "right hand of the Absolute", AND he seems to have a soft spot for his goblin henchmen? They are his boys, not just dispensable tools to throw at the enemy? You're a weird hobgoblin, Mr. Ragzlin.
The other canon thing I like is that he answers to Ketheric. Three goblin leaders are our introduction to Dead Three's Chosen - Minthara gives you a glimpse into Orin, Gut to Gortash, and Dror - to Ketheric. IDK what it says about Dror, but I liked that he got paired with another prominent military guy, who apparently noticed his worth.
Other thing is the scratched out hobgoblin rank marks on Oathbreaker (Dror's hammer) handle. My boy had a rank! And probably a rank worth mentioning! And he betrayed it, and his brethren, for a sect that just promised him more! Greedy and impatient little bastard (I love him)
12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?
Too many to name, and some are too obscure to mention, literally "blorbo bligus is lactose intolerant" level, lmao XD my boy got like... 20 lines in game, and I am wrangling everything I can out them
A pretty straightforward one - he takes pride in his hair, and takes exceptional care of them. I mean. Is it really HC, have you seen his mane, it's amazing, despite squatting in a dank abandoned temple, he sports gorgeous locks, tied in a neat bun. He knows what he's doing
A more "out of left field, but hear me out" one, and one I recently discussed with a friend - I think he'd be a surprisingly okay dad. An involved and present parent (and you get me just how intense of a work it is). He's shown that he could get down on a goblin (literally considered a lesser race by hobgobs) level and earn their genuine respect, I think he could very well extrapolate this ability to his own child(ren). He's physically active, not above simple joys (drinking and being merry with goblins), and successfully herds a mob of little rowdy creatures already XD I think he has it in him.
Definitely won't be a gentle parent, but he's simple, straightforward and sets clear boundaries. Now, where would he herd his kids to is a question XD And of course, it would work better if the kid shares his own interest - i think he'd find himself at loss around a gentle child.
20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?
Blurg ok, but beside obvious answers, i don't think he'd be best friends with any of the goblins - there'd always a degree of subordination order between them. Another hobgoblin is an obvious choice, they are on the same level. I think he could respect githyanki - but doubt they would respect him XD Definitely possible that he would find some fellowship among duergar, but not the "best friend" level
Which leads us back to Blurg, lmao. He is a hobgoblin and shares hobgoblin cultural norms, and he's patient enough to keep it civil with Dror, and eventually - to listen to him rant about his troubles lol. Plus he has this maturity not to be overbearing towards him - but also to offer advice when it is really needed. I do think they'd hit it off well as friends. As you've said - it's important to me that there is friendship alongside, or before there is love. Physical attraction - yes, absolutely! But they also must be compatible as people, and comfortable around each other as friends.
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I wish you the bestest day! Get some good treats today!
I'm sorry, I couldn't find a Daz 3D model of Wulbren, so I wasn't able to render you an appropriate gift for your current obsession this year XD. But I'll always support you, just like you support me š, no matter if we're sharing the same fandom obsession or not (the reason I picked that gif specifically with that quote š). I appreciate you and I'm so glad we met, friend! Here's to many more years of shared fandom life in one way or another š»!
waaaaaaaaaa Iām not crying youāre crying š Thank you so much my darling friend!! For your sweet message, for thinking of me on my birthday, for always supporting me and my blorbos and the things I make about them whether you know who the hell they are or not š I appreciate you listening to me bongleblab and I love talking to you about anything and everything, hearing all about your interests and learning about your obsessions through your beautiful renders!! I feel so lucky to have met you and Iām so happy weāre friends (and I reckon wulbren is right š)Ā
Thanks again, it really means a lot. Love you very much šš«¶š
4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in? (aka - any AUs in mind? How do you think he'd fit in in different environment/time/place?)
5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?
12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?
27. What is a color or colors that you think of when you think of this character, be it their canon color(s) or not? (very important question to me! For me, Wulbren is red-coded, like a hobgoblin XD must be his red scarf lol)
Thanks for the ask, Una! (ask game here)
4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?Ā
Iām still new enough to this fandom to be fully canon-brained so I donāt really have any established aus but this question made me think about what kind of character Wulbren would be in a David Lynch movie. I think he would have a late-night public access show where people call in and he talks about conspiracy theories. I donāt think of him as a grifter in canon but I think the ability to put his face on television would make him so much worse and I imagine him as turning fully evil by the end. Heād start off as some ufo-obsessed nerd legitimately concerned about government coverups who pays for his timeslot by selling cassette tapes of his jazz-punk fusion band and then heād slowly get manipulated by the dark forces of the Sewer Lodge or whatever and end up a full-on avatar of Bhaal raking in cash for the murder cult. I donāt even think heād be that important to the plot but all his scenes would be delightfully deranged and heād be a fan favorite.
5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?
At first I was like āIām fumbling all these questions, I donāt really have a song that makes me think of Wulbrenā and then I remembered that I DO and it is fucking CALL ME MAYBE BY CARLY RAE JEPSEN ALKSJDLKJLJ. This is because the first time I talked to him in Angleironās Cellar and he entrusted me with his one-of-a-kind runepowder bomb my very first thought was ādude i just met you, this is crazy. wait why does that phrase sound familiar.ā And it has been a bonglesong to me forevermore. Probably not the kind of answer you were looking for but itās what Iāve got.
12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?
I have a lot of different scenarios for how the Ironhand Gnomes came between Wulbren and Barcus, but one of my favorites is that Wulbren and Barcus were inseparable as children, and that when Wulbren first befriended some Ironhands and went to attend his first meeting, he very enthusiastically invited Barcus, excited to find a new friend group and a means to escape the Underdark but not even considering that Barcus wouldnāt be right by his side through all of it. Barcus begrudgingly agreed, but he was so insecure that Wulbren would like these new friends more than him and jealous that he would want any new friends in the first place, that he spent the whole meeting being rude and combative and undermining all of the Ironhandsā beliefs, and Wulbren was so humiliated that he never invited Barcus to another meeting again. This is sort of what Barcus had wanted, except he had envisioned that neither of them would go back, and instead Wulbren just kept going without him, spending more time with his new friends and less with Barcus š„² Barcus dug his own grave, so to speak, and this was the turning point that eventually led to the demise of their friendship (In hindsight this is maybe more of a Barcus head canon, but the two of them are intertwined to me. Also reading this back it sounds like I don't like Barcus but I LOVE him, headcanoning a likable character as messy and flawed is the highest honor I can bestow upon them.) (Also also I do think that Barcus genuinely isnāt like, a fan of the terrorism, but considering that his own career success comes from making weapons for criminals I think his hatred of the Ironhands as a political group is more about that he feels like they stole his friend away from him)
27. What is a color or colors that you think of when you think of this character, be it their canon color(s) or not?
I also primarily associate him with red, specifically the rich burgundy red of his train conductor scarf!! š Also though deep blues and purples, because these are my favorite colors to use when coloring his skin. Jewel tones all around for my amethyst-eyed Tumblr Sexyman š
Check out these great selections highlighting queer characters/relationships in some fics.
A little late due to a huge storm knocking out power in the area, but donāt worry, everybody is safe.
Third Time Pays For All by amaranthSynthesis (SHAYCH___xxvii) (3451, Explicit)
Content Notes: Piss Drinking, Humiliation, Mildly Dubious Consent, Unnegotiated Kink
Pairings: The Dark Urge/Enver Gortash
Young Gortash got too relaxed and drank too much at a business meeting. Durge showed him how dangerous that could be. Trans Dom Durge/sub cis-male Gortash
Reccer says: Hot and kinky.
The Embrace of Love & Death by MissFortuneTheRogue (286k and counting, Explicit)
Content Notes: Tagged very well on AO3. Both characters have a history of sexual trauma, and there is talk of suicidal ideation and actions.
Pairings: Miss Fortune/Astarion
An in-progress series following the events of the game through the eyes of Miss Fortune, a nonbinary Tav with a lot in common with a certain vampire.
Reccer says: There is so much content surrounding this OC so I just linked to the main series. I love Miss Fortune's many identities and the big sweetie hiding under all those masks, plus the way their relationship with Astarion blooms into a gloriously gay and joyful pairing with lots of fashion-centric moments. You get to see a really happy and silly Astarion in the end game content, but get plenty of angst along the way.
What Do You Hear in These Sounds by MurderElfFancier (29277, Mature)
Content Notes: CCNTW
Pairings: Jarlaxle Baenre/Fel'rekt Lafeen
How Felārekt joined Bregan Dāaerthe, became an unlicensed therapist to some Very Sad Elf Boys, kissed a few of them, eventually became a lieutenant, and ended up slinging a gun in Waterdeep with everyoneās favorite pansexual disaster.
Reccer says: Beautifully done drow lore, layered on top of that is the drow-accurate misandry. Walking into that is AFAB Fel'rekt who is seeking his place in that society, and kissing some boys along the way. The drow aspects and deep knowledge of both Jarlaxle and Menzoberranzan make this SO much fun, not just from a character study. Plus the flirting is top notch.
I'm Smitten, Kitten by seagull_soda (12808, Mature)
Content Notes: Small emetophobia warning, nothing graphic described though
Pairings: Astarion/Gale
A slow-paced, laid-back, extremely fluffy first meeting between an Astarion who is trying really hard to have a bad time, and a very tired Gale who will ensure that does not happen.
Fingering the Fist by Cabbage_By_Night (3884, Explicit)
Content Notes: Age difference
Pairings: Lia/Nine-Fingers Keene
Lia gets captured by Nine-Fingers Keene, there's a lot of homoerotic tension, and then they fuck about it š
Reccer says: The dynamic between them is SO tasty oh my god. Neither of them feel de-clawed at all, even when in the middle of sex, and everything about it is sooo hot hhh
With Tender Claws by Temmith (16690, Explicit)
Content Notes: CCNTW
Pairings: Astarion/Gale
An AU about a lost Astarion working at the strip club "Cazador's." This is the story of a lost Astarion, a Gale who has already found his way, and an extremely patient Tara. Fic contains art!
Reccer says: You can FEEL the internal torment that Astarion is going through as he's working at this shit job, constantly misgendered, and just yearning to be seen for who he really is. It's tender and raw at times but it's also beautifully written and the character intros are done so very well.
The Fruiting of Impossible Stars by GinaTeeth (3660, Mature)
Content Notes: N/A
Pairings: Gale / Omeluum
Gale's attempts at proposal, a yes, and a wedding. From the summary: "A story of proposals, autonomy, and love that fruits slowly, like mycelium through soil."
Reccer says: It's queer in every way. These glimpses into Gale & Omeluum's relationship and their wedding ceremony are just an absolutely joyous celebration of shared nerdery and otherness and finding love despite its tribulations.
politician's respite by castironically (3238, Explicit)
Content Notes: no
Pairings: Enver Gortash/Original Trans Male Character
Gortash gets pampered and fucked in the butt by a handsome trans man sex worker
Reccer says: Handsome top trans man, subby Gortash
16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?
aaaaaaaahahaha. So the thing is I DO have opinions on this but I donāt want to yuck anyoneās yum so I wonāt be sharing them publicly. But consider this an open invitation to my DMs if anyone wants to know
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for the character ask game!! our boy Wulbren Bongle with questions 1, 2, 3, 8 and 12!
Thank you for the ask! (ask game here)
1. Why do you like or dislike this character?
God where do I start. I like that heās a political revolutionary. I like that he sees the player as a strategic ally instead of a savior. I like that heās cocky and confident. I like that he is clever and charismatic and shrewd. I like that he is very good at manipulating the truth but kind of sucks at straight-up lying. I like his toxic relationship with Barcus and how it seems that they BOTH fucked things up (no matter how good intentions may have been). I like that heās a total dick. I like that heās a GNOME. I like that he says things like āyonderā and āscamper sharpishā and āyou bet your last copper.ā I like his (in Unaās words) ācartoonish train driverā neckerchief. I like that heās short and bald.
Most of all I like how his writing is like a masterclass in narrative framing.Ā
This makes him so interesting to dig into for me. I always feel self-conscious when I defend Wulbren because I feel like people are going to look at me like āthis person has no media literacyā but I know that Wulbren was written to be hated. I can never reblog those posts that boil down to āpeople who hate my favorite character are misinterpreting the textā because they are interpreting it the way it was meant to be interpreted! The setup to his reunion with Barcus is absolutely designed to emotionally appeal to the playerāyouāve got such a likable, hopeful character in Barcus, and even Wulbren himself comes off as fairly kind, helpful and charming in his prison cell. There are definitely hints that heās not a good guy, but their reunion is intended to be a rug pull that makes the player feel personally betrayed. Add to this that he is rude to the player during that meeting which is like a cardinal sin in this fandom, and if that wasnāt enough, everything sympathetic about him is glossed over by being sandwiched in between this emotionally infuriating reunion and his genocidal tendencies. Heās not a good person, no, but the way he is presented in the text absolutely impacts how much heās hated by the majority of players.
But those sympathetic bones are thereāheās the leader of an oppressed group who has been forced to survive hostile conditions, who has repeatedly attempted peaceful appeals for his people to return home and been refused, and he is justifiably angry even if his methods are abhorrent. I think itās also worth noting that the Gondians were directly involved in the Ironhandsā oppression, theyāre not just a random group he hates (but Iāll save any additional ranting on this for question 8). Perspective is everything. Heās complex and heās flawed and heās stubborn and heās wrong, and none of this means that heās heartless or beyond saving (no matter what Barcus says).
2. Favorite canon thing about this character?
Wulbrenās hottest moment is during his Fucking Gondians speech where heās talking about the Steel Watch. Basically the whole thing before he blames everything on the Gondians:
āWhatever brought you to the city, you won't get anywhere while the Gondians' metal monsters are patrolling the streets. The Steel Watch. They're a threat to you, me - and every man, woman and child in the city. They act all civilised... servants of the people. But they only serve one man. When he becomes Grand Duke, it will only get worse. Laws will change, freedoms will vanish, and soon you'll be accused and sentenced before you've even committed a crime.ā
Imagine thereās a part two to my answer for Question 1 and itās just as long but simply me repeating āHe wants to destroy the police state.ā over and over
(the way he says āFucking Gondiansā is also incredibly hot but thatās its own separate thing)
3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?
I mean I feel like I should say the genocide but he never does actually kill anyone.
Wulbrenās cruelest moments in my opinion are these two lines, the first about Zanner Toobinās dead daughter and the second about Toobin himself:
āTerribly sorry, but I spotted your daughter floating in the harbour. By the looks of it, she wasn't bobbing for apples.ā (WHAT THE FUCK, WULBREN)
āKeep your blind Gondian - I have no use for broken things.ā (WHAT THE FUCK, WULBREN)
This shit is fucking inexcusable and makes me want to kick him in the balls.
I also donāt love it from a writing standpoint because itās supposed to be this āmask offā moment but his entire character has already been overshadowed by his treatment of Barcus anyway? And we get the setup through his background for some sort of acknowledgement of how systemic cruelty can create conditions where violence seems to be the only answer, but instead itās just like, an individual personality thing? Weāre not going to engage at all with the justified anger of oppressed people? Weāre just going to ignore how fucking violent banishment is and how evil it is to refuse people of a home despite the entire tiefling storyline? Nope, Wulbren is only like this because he was born a fucking jackass, oh, and by the way, heās ableist too! Okay.Ā
I do suspect that there was a decent amount that was cut from this storyline particularly from the Gondian side that would make me hate this less and also make the quest feel more satisfying overall. But as it stands it just feels like, needlessly cartoonish.Ā
Anyway my own reading of this moment which I believe is adequately supported even if not intended by the text is that Wulbren fully knows just how awful what heās attempting is but has so thoroughly convinced himself over time that itās the only way and that the hatred heās fostered is justifiedāso he just pushes harder, says the cruelest fucking things he can think of to prevent himself from looking back. Itās less āthis is who he really isā as the dev notes say and more āthis is who he is choosing to become.ā Because admitting that he was wrong is not an option (and I donāt think itās solely some superficial pride thingāhow many lives were lost for the sake of the runepowder mission? He has to believe this is the right thing to do, but he knows deep down itās not).Ā
Itās still fucking awful, and I hate that he says it.
8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?
The amount of times Iāve seen āWulbren hates the Gondians for no reasonā THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!!!! The Gondians apparently hold enormous influence in regards to the Ironhandsā banishment. They are the ones he makes his appeals to:
āIāve fought tooth and nail to restore our reputation. Particularly against Gondian detractors who live in glass houses. I've filled appeals - pleaded with the High Artificer himself. They've refused us time and again. Now, however, I will make them listen.ā
(in my opinion) Itās not about the Steel Watch, itās not about the blood feud, and itās certainly not for no reason. Itās about this right here. This is his motive. These are the people who look him in the eye while his people are dying in the Underdark and tell him no.Ā
Does it make it right? Of course not! But itās not based on nothing. This is who he deals with on a personal level, who have almost certainly been benefitting from not having the Ironhands in the city for the past century. It makes sense that he feels this way, even if itās wrong!!
12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?
Wulbren loves drugs. To me. He likes uppers for work and hallucinogens for fun (though he hasnāt allowed himself to have any fun for years). It is a firm belief of mine that after he found the runepowder cache at Grymforge he spent 6 straight days awake high on Underdark Speed working out that formula
Iām so sorry this was 1300 words long. Iām passionate about the Bongle
Figure it's time to introduce my nobleborn bard tav.
Her name is Brandewynn, Brandee for short. Greedy, manipulative and hedonistic but genuinely cares about her companions. A glory hound who does good mostly for her own benefit and to have allies. Collector of expensive clothes and hoarder of gold.
God I should redo this image but it's the best one I have of her full body for now.
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Send a character + one or more of these question IN THE INBOX. Don't reply on the post!
1. Why do you like or dislike this character?
2. Favorite canon thing about this character?
3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?
4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?
5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?
6. What's something you have in common with this character?
7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?
8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?
9. Could you be roommates with this character?
10. Could you be best friends with this character?
11. Would you date this character?
12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?
13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?
14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.
15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)
16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?
17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?
18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?
19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?
20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?
21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?
22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?
23. Favorite picture of this character?
24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?
25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?
26. What's something the character has done you can't get over? Be it something funny, bad, good, serious, whatever?
27. What is a color or colors that you think of when you think of this character, be it their canon color(s) or not?
28. If you could have this character meet another in another media, who would you have them meet?
29. Could you live as this character, would you? If not, what would you change so that you could?
