my name is jorts | i'm old | they/them started from the bottom (giving half the hankcon fandom a collective santa kink) now we’re here (✨🔮 manifesting: all my homies thirst for wulbren bongle🔮✨)
pairing: hankcon
rated: E
wordcount: 146,904
tags: alternate universe - canon divergence, cryptid hunters, supernatural elements, mutual pining, slow burn, banter, humor, fluff and angst, angst with a happy ending (for more tags, check the ao3 link)
summary:
Hank Anderson is a former police officer with a drinking problem, a car he hasn't cleaned out in three years, and a Quest.
He's looking for Bigfoot; instead he finds Connor.
Connor is a sarcastic piece of deviant shit. He also happens to be an incredibly advanced reconstructive tool who fell into Hank's lap for the price of a little electricity.
That's all.
And that's fine.
***
This fic is not new by any means but I never posted it here and I figured I should because, you know. Twitter. This is the fucking-guy-to-friends-to-lovers, Hankcon-in-the-woods-looking-for-Bigfoot fic that somehow turned into my magnum opus and took me 2 years to write. I would be over the moon if anyone who hasn't read it yet wanted to give it a chance!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
this is nowhere near finished but im laughing SO FREAKING HARD at the second part of the animation i'm making for francis forever. make light yagami cry challenge, i'm BACK BABY (sound on)
i get obsessed with a new ship like once every 4 years and every single time it's some guy who has never had a friend before/the world's grumpiest least pleasant man. huh. i'm sure that says nothing about me at all
astarion/gnome romance. cute but kind of fucked up. problematic considering that astarion does not see gnomes as people but unfortunately i'm a sucker for it
like i know i'm on a mission to alienate everyone with this one but they're SO GOOD
cunt4cunt ship dynamic
enemies/annoyances to toxic friends to lovers
the banter the teasing the fighting would be off the charts
kings of manipulation. good for scheming and cahoots (they would have fun together!) but also would they know how to speak effectively in any other way (no). hurting each other in an effort to protect themselves 👍👍👍
Emotional Constipation Extravaganza
can hold their own against each other, strong enough to either support or challenge each other and probably both
would probably make each other worse but could accidentally make each other better (it's definitely not on purpose) (also accidental mutual redemption is both funny and sexy to me)
lots of common ground but also opportunities to disagree-
- both have experienced serious injustice
- both have misguided approaches to revenge
- both value freedom above all else
- both are wrong about the best way to gain that freedom and are willing to murder innocents for the easiest path to it even though it will leave them empty in the end
- and yet the parallels in their stories can lead to interesting interpersonal conflicts due to the roles of the different players in them, raising questions about victimhood and forgiveness particularly irt to the relationship between cazador, astarion & sebastian (and astarion's other victims) vs gortash, the gondians, & the ironhands
guy who manipulates others using sex + guy who is both emotionally closed off and extraordinarily prideful. it's about the betrayal
guy who can't remember a single person caring about him in his life + guy who once had the capacity to care about others but has trained himself to stuff down sentimentality for the sake of survival. it's about the denial it's about the yearning it's about needing to get the fuck over yourself because somebody needs you
in order for the ship to reach its full potential it needs to acknowledge how shitty astarion can be AND extend empathy to wulbren -- aka piss off the entire fandom
but i like them!!
plus i'm sorry but i think they look great together
contrast in appearance
size difference but also pretty evenly matched physically
gnome who is way stronger vs elf who is very quick and also twice as heavy
they are having wrestling match style sex i KNOW it
the little one's the top
hot
ultimately it comes down to having similarities in their backgrounds values and motivations but also some very important differences which drive conflict AND a treasure trove of very sexy aesthetic contrasts (I haven't even gotten into high elf/gnomish cultural differences, guy who loves to push buttons + guy with a horrible temper, etc)
they're both hot!! they both suck!! i need them to be in love!!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
astarion/gnome romance. cute but kind of fucked up. problematic considering that astarion does not see gnomes as people but unfortunately i'm a sucker for it
astarion/gnome romance. cute but kind of fucked up. problematic considering that astarion does not see gnomes as people but unfortunately i'm a sucker for it
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I’m so bad at celebrating accomplishments but I’m going to take a second and recognize that I did it because I’m really proud of this story on multiple levels. I know there will not be much of an audience (if any) for it but I am honestly just so happy it exists. Like WHO the hell wants Astarion/Wulbren Bongle slowburn WELL I DID and now I have a short novel’s worth of it. Wulbren doesn’t have a lot of fics about him, especially that portray him in any sort of positive light, and I think this will be the longest Wulbren-centric fic on ao3 at the time of posting by like, a pretty wide margin. So I’m just happy to contribute some Bongle love.
ALSO SORRY but I just really like him with the hot elf and who else was gonna write it. I adore them both, they were an absolute blast to write and their dynamic is SO much fun. I don’t really talk about how and why I think they work because like. Wulbren alone is so hated as is LMAO, but people have been really lovely about my enthusiasm for him lately and I appreciate it!! It makes me feel like I have a place here, so thank you all for your kindness 💖
Every month the Villain Apologist Dungeon puts a new Villain in the spotlight to support creators by sharing their work.
If you have made any art or written any fan fic relating to the current villain, or you have seen an amazing work in the wild and would like to hype up other creators, feel free to link it in the comments or tag us in the post!
i haven't seen anything about this on my dashboard, so i wanted to share. ICE gestapo killed another human being on tuesday. he leaves behind three sons and his wife, who he has spent the last 35 years building a life with
there is a gofundme supported by the league of united latin american citizens set up to help with funeral costs, legal fees, and supporting his family moving forward.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
New local scandal is an old woman who will walk down to her mailbox in her robe, then, when no cars are driving by, lay down next to her mailbox as if she’s fallen or been hit by a car. Tourists will stop, help her up, and walk her to her house. Then, after they leave, she’ll repeat this until she’s bored with it.
Her neighbors have called the cops a bunch but have been told that it’s not illegal to fake being an old lady in peril so soft-hearted tourists or newcomers are nice to you. One of the neighbors sometimes yells “oh, get up, Lois!” at her. But overall local sentiment is that this is at least somewhat enviable levels of not giving a fuck.
