To Be Black & Bisexual

Bi men deserve just as much love as the rest of us. And it disgusts me how openly people are against bi men, but will turn around and say they support bi women.

the “signs” that tend to make both lists are gender nonconformity (is your girl a lil masc? is he too fem? how androgynous is too androgynous?), desire for threesomes, having too many close friends of the same gender, are they sexually adventurous?

ofc these focus on stereotypes of bisexuals dealing with their sexual promiscuity as well as the idea that every bi persons fantasy is a threesome. i would argue the most dangerous of these shared symptoms is the idea that bi people have too many friends of the same gender. this rationale is often used to justify controlling and abusive behavior towards the bisexual partner by alienating them from their friends or accusing them of using their friendships to stimulate their need for relationships with ppl of other genders, leading to potentially explosive jealously.

the “signs your husband/boyfriend is bisexual” articles often feature very defeatist language. it acts as tho the result of a bisexual bf or husband is a huge obstacle to the relationship and may be cause to end the relationship entirely. it’s argued that bisexual men are disinterested in sex with their women partners. this plays into the idea that bisexual men can never be satisfied with women because all bisexual men are considered aligned with “gayness” and are more easily fulfilled by relationships with men than women. these stereotypes are used to justify the idea that bisexual men don’t really exist, that they’re more often self-hating gay men who are lying to their women partners. it’s often advised in these articles that the couples seek marriage counseling to deal with the “humiliation” of finding out their husband is bisexual and decide if the relationship can continue.

the “signs your wife/girlfriend is bisexual” articles often feature more excitable language but it all comes with a word of caution. the idea of a bisexual girlfriend/wife is great because it allows for more sexual exploration and a stronger sexual appetite, but these articles feature warnings that bisexual women are hard to control and need to be tamed in order to remain in a healthy relationship. bisexual women’s entire existence is suggested to revolve around sex and specifically the sexual satisfaction of their partner. bisexual women don’t crave other women the way it’s suggested bisexual men crave men. instead, bisexual women crave sex. this sex drive, however, means bisexual women need to be kept on a tight leash. their activities need to be monitored in order to keep them in line. it’s rare articles suggest leaving your wife/gf is she is secretly bisexual, but rather to “fulfill” more potential sexual fantasies while ensuring she is properly under your thumb, so to speak.

when addressing the incredibly high rates of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) experienced by bisexual people, it’s important to see the way it’s normalized thru conversations and articles like this. I feel like too often abuse rates towards bisexual people are often written off as symptoms of misogyny, which doesn’t actually address the root cause. yes, bisexual women experience higher rates of abuse in total, but bisexual men’s rates are abnormally high as well and often go ignored or unrepresented when discussions of abuse towards lgbt are had. by erasing the biphobia inherent in the abuse and only discussing the misogyny, you both erase the suffering and oppression of bisexual men while ignoring the reality of biphobia as a whole and denying bisexual women their own lived experienecs with biphobic abuse.

for the longest time, i didn’t realize how many bisexual ppl, particularly bisexual women, had been abused. I did not realize that so many other bisexual women suffered biphobic remarks and violence until i was in a space with other bisexuals …and while you’re talking, you realize it’s the first time you’re talking about it like the targeted violence it is. You’re not watering your experience down for the first time. You’re not leaving details out and people are nodding and jumping to agree with you. It’s the first time you’ve been met with this kind of reaction of shared pain and experience.