Stay Positivie!

Dear Mom,  I have so much to tell you. Life has so many positives right now. Hopefully, you’re watching down on me and smiling. I’m starting to feel myself again. Anastasia is changing so much as well. Life’s turning around now. Some days are easier than others for me without you. I feel as if I’m not dragging along anymore. I can’t. It’s been 7 years. I have to move on. Life didn’t stop when…

Mom, the years are passing by way too fast. I don’t even know where the time is going anymore. It’s like I blink and another year passes by without you. The pain isn’t getting any better. Time just opens up a bigger hole in my heart instead of healing the broken pieces. Grief is a painful process in my mind. I can’t seem to understand how to heal.  I still feel numb. I’m not sure if the…

Today is Pooh Bear’s birthday. Every year, Anastasia and I celebrate it with cupcakes and gifts. He’s special to her since my mom gave him to her. She wants to honor and celebrate her time with him. Pooh Bear has helped her a lot over the years. He did EVERYTHING with her until Kindergarten started. She slowly didn’t want him during virtual class and staying bring out stuffy with her. (Stuffies…

Happy 11th anniversary to my best friend and soulmate! I can’t believe the time has flown by so fast. Time seriously flew back with you. It still blows my mind when I think about how long we have been together. The both of us have grown up so much since the summer we meant. We were both lost and confused in our lives. We’re both two different people but we grew up together and took on the…

Kindergarten has passed. I have a soon-to-be 1st grader. The summer is here. Anastasia is having fun and finding happiness again. The pandemic took so much from this little princess and so many other kids. Things are feeling normal for the time being. I’m not sure what the future holds but as for now we’re enjoying life. Trips to the shore, Sesame Place, Six Flags for the first time, indoor…

Dear Dad, Another Father’s Day without you in the books. I miss you dearly. It’s 12 Father’s Day without you. Time is flying by way too fast. I can’t believe you have been gone for so long. What’s new with me? Good news …. The pandemic is starting to loosen up. I got my vaccination so I can go to our favorite beach for free. You know that’s always been a dream of mine, so I’m super happy about…

My heart feels heavy today. My mom’s husky passed away in her sleep. Her name was Crystal. She was a crazy day who loved running with me and loved to talk. I will never forget my time with her. I didn’t see her as much as I would have liked to but I know she understood. I wish my daughter got to meet her. She would have loved her as much as she loved me. Crystal had a good life. She had way too…

Dear mom, Happy 6th birthday in heaven and Mother’s Day. I hope dad is making you breakfast in bed and brought you flowers to plant in your garden. I imagine you have a garden in heaven since you love planting flowers and growing vegetables. I bet it’s a beautiful garden like your soul. Ana and I are going to get a flower today in the honor of your birthday and Mother’s Day. She loves flowers…

Another year without my Mom on Mother’s Day is here. My heart feels heavy. All the mom posts are starting to pop up. My heart is aching for my mom. I wish I could make a post of pictures with her and my daughter, but I can’t. I have no pictures of my daughter and my mom. The thought of this hurts so badly. I would have loved for my daughter to meet my mom. I’m not that fortunate enough like…

Dear Dad, Happy 12th birthday in heaven. I hope everything is going well with you in heaven. I’m still missing you here on Earth. I wish I could celebrate with you. The world is still in a pandemic. Schools are half virtual and hybrid now. Your granddaughter is virtual because she has migraines and it is safer for her to stay home in an unfriendly headache world. She’s on medication for her…

Rain and windy days are a nightmare for her. Headaches take over her days. She gets into a fog and really grumpy because of the pain. I know she doesn’t mean to get extremely upset with me, but it’s hard not to have her bad mood rub off on me. I’m just feeling her mood and instantly feel bad for getting frustrated with her. She cools down when the headaches stop. I feel sorry for her. I wish we…

I wrote this whole looking back on the pandemic blog entry in my personal blog on an app called, Zinnia, but I can’t finish the story part of it. Trying to remember what happened last year when my life turned upside down because of the pandemic is way more painful than I thought. I don’t want to remember the start of all this craziness. Looking back breaks my heart and reminds me of what life…

I survived 100 Day of Virtual school!  The journey started rocky then switched to the norm for my daughter. She had a hard time adjusting at first. Her anxiety made the adjustment difficult for herself and me. The days of school seemed as if I was stunk in a nightmare. I felt as if virtual school would stay in a nightmare state of mind. Each day dragged by as if they didn’t have an ending. I…

As I watched my daughter play in the snow these last couple of days, I forgot reality for a little bit. Life felt normal as if the pandemic NEVER happened and everything stayed the same. I watched her slide down the little hill by our house in her pool tub at our house. My daughter also went sledding for the first time in a sled down a hill with a friend on Tuesday. She made snowmen. I can’t…

Today is the day. My dad’s 12th death anniversary is here. I’m feeling okay. I guess. The numbness is here but not as bad as it normally is on his death anniversary. I don’t know why. I feel fine. It’s only the morning. I know I have the whole day to get through still. Hopefully, I can stay this strong and not break down. I know it’s ok to cry but I just want one death anniversary I don’t cry…

Dear Dad, Hey, how are you? I miss you. It’s been 12 years since I heard your voice, seen your smile, hug you, kiss you on the cheek, and hold your hand. I miss all of those things. I can’t believe it’s been so long. My heart still aches for your presence especially with the pandemic going on. The pandemic is making me miss you even more than the past few years because life just sucks right…

Today is one day closer to my father’s 12th death anniversary. My mind is starting to feel foggy. I can’t think straight. I’m also feeling anxious because we’re STILL in the middle of a pandemic. Depression and anxiety are present every day now, which scares me because I don’t need any more emotions cloudy up my mind anymore then it already does in January. I have to remember life goes on…