midnight musings

An image stands still before me, crystal clear, you and i lay close in an unmade bed with white sheets, our skin wrinkled yet our lost eyes reveal the same love we were drowning in when we were sixteen and naïve. An image so detailed, so lucid, only reminds me just how sure i am that there’s no one i’d rather wake up next to every single day for fifty years in a row. There’s no one i’d rather hold and be held by, love unconditionally and fuck endlessly. There’s no one i’d rather ditch parties with only to come home and lay in our underwear all night. There’s no one i’d rather grow with, and there’s no one’s lips i’d rather think about kissing while i wait to come home. Because its you, its you, its always been you, since the day i awoke to realize that no wedge could ever be big enough to bridge a gap between us and fifty years from now, i can’t wait to hold this picture in my hands.

Baby, you are a hurricane of a boy. Playful in demeanor, yet one encounter with you leaves people down on the ground, swept off their feet. Baby, you leave off a trail like an eel leaving back its slime, you etch memories onto our hearts that prove to be unerasable. Baby, you sprinkle parts of yourself upon those whose paths you cross and lead them to find the best, yet concealed, parts of themselves. Baby, without you, this world would have been deprived of a thousand smiles that only you managed to bring forth

He reminded me of autumn, A cool breeze on a hazy night. a reminder that better days were one grasp away.with the summer blues fading away and the holiday happiness making its way. Looking into his eyes was like looking at maple leaves turn bright yellow and red, shedding their withered green skin,trumpeting the possibility of starting fresh, parading the joy of life with each step, When he entered the room, the wind started to hum joyous songs and the air started to scent of sweet smelling flowers, and with him, like autumn, everything seemed to fall right into place.

Quick Update

In my dream, we awoke to the sunshine gleaming onto our white sheets, our hands still wrapped together. In my dream, we were living the fairytale we never truly believed in, we made ‘happily ever after’ come true. In my dream, destiny had played its game, we were two bodies, one soul, we were each other’s home. In my dream, we had achieved our dream. In my dream, we weren’t a plethora if almosts.

In Greek, ‘nepenthe’ is a word for a medication for sorrow and that one word describes you better than any novel ever could. You, with your chocolate brown eyes. You, with your contagiously cheerful smile. You, with hands that have the power to heal burning wounds and arms that have the power to make us forget about our swollen bruise. You, with your own battles to fight. You, and your presence that makes the whole room shine.

Listen- my anxiety is not how you picture it. Listen- when I said I have anxiety, I did not mean the 'cute' kind, the kind that is romanticized, the kind that I would adorn with rosy cheeks and a shy smile. Listen- my anxiety is the 'ugly' kind. It hovers around me like a dark cloud waiting to throw a spark of lightning upon me to soften my spine. My anxiety is terrifying. It is venomous. It is the 3 a.m. screams after a nightmare and the 4 a.m. tears after an attack I saw coming, but couldn't stop. It is the sound of gritting teeth and an uncontrollable tremble that has slipped its way into my daily routine, yet leaves me exhausted each time. Listen- I do not have a speech impairment. It takes me 30 seconds to utter the word 'hello' because my anxiety does not allow me to do so without questioning whether everyone in the room is secretly looking for a way to get rid of me. I do not think I am a mood killer either. Forgive me for asking you the detailed plan thrice before agreeing to go. Trust me, I would 'loosen up' and go on spontaneous dinner dates with you, if only I could. If only my anxiety would allow me. If only I didn't need hours to convince myself that a dinner is nothing to fear. Listen- I am not a worrysome, boring woman. I am just a woman taken over by her anxiety, craving to be able to live without an unbearable fear of nothing, and everything. Listen- I do not expect you to understand, we shamefully hide the dirty side of anxiety behind walls, after all, but I do that hope you will.

In Beirut, the sound of an explosion deafened a young boy to his mothers laugh and his fathers voice. The blasts left a community stripped off any sense of security. Not a day had passed until, in Baghdad, a funeral branched itself out into over twenty more funerals, and mourners became the ones to be mourned. Hours later, in Paris, gunshots spread the news of the terror that is the world today and wounded bodies spilt in the city like yolk from an egg. Less than twenty four hours left the earth shaking with fear. Three cities grew silent, while the world shed a tear. Cities that bred love have hate splattered across their streets, as innocent souls fell victim to the brutal games of greed. What did those poor souls do for you to snatch away their heartbeat? What did their families do to deserve such misery? It is a pity, what the world has grown into, it’s a shame how little we can do to help, except hold one last thread of hope. So, here’s our hopes for Beirut. Here’s our good wishes to Baghdad. Here’s our prayers for Paris. Here’s our longing for peace.

Tonight we lay under the stars, your fingers entwined in mine, so perfectly, Like they were carved just to complete this alignment. Tonight we let the silence do the talking and let the moon stitch our hearts together with invisible, yet unbreakable thread. Tonight we stare into the dark while our souls merge into one vowing never to fall back apart. Tonight we fall in love.

Love softly knocks on the door, and I ram the door in love’s face. Love sneaks in through the window and I run to call the cops on love. Love screams to be accepted and I beg love to leave me untouched. Love sneaks its way into my morning milk and I swallow it, only to try and puke love out. Love remains stubborn, love stays, and I ignore the presence of any love. Love pleads for one more chance, love breaks down my walls, and I touch love with my shivering hands. Love understands my fear, love strokes my hair, and I begin to caress love back. Love never gives up on me, love lets me take my time, and I realize how terribly I missed love. Love forgives me for leaving, love grows on me and I learn to thank love for coming back. Love tells me I’m not hard to love, and I fall in love with love again.