Illuminati Mom

Memes about motherhood, having babies, and parenting. Some borderline NSFW and mildly offensive. Includes adoption!

Pregnancy& Motherhood

“But you’re hardly showing!”

“You are really big now!”

“Maybe it’s time to shop for something more flattering?”

“Maternity wear. You. You’ve gone without it for too long.”

“Did you hear the baby’s heartbeat?”

“How far along are you?”

“So when are you due?”

“Do you have nursery themes picked out?”

“Are you having a little boy or a little girl?”

“I know you went to get the ultrasound done.”

“You have to tell me if pregnancy sex is as kinky as I’ve heard it is!” 

“Just consider gender neutral colors for a second. Hear me out.”

“I’m just saying gendered colors are not as evil as people make them out to be.”

“You’re certain the baby isn’t someone else’s right?” 

“You can’t clean the cat box. There’s other stuff you can’t do while pregnant, either.”

“If you get put on bedrest, your entire house will fall apart and you know it.”

“So I guess you’ll go straight back to work after this?”

“Goodbye working world, hello stay-at-home-mommy! Right?”

“Your feet have got to be killing you!”

“Your boobs are gonna get so huge!” 

“You know you’ll be sore from breastfeeding, right?”

“So I guess you’re gonna pick a side in that breastfeeding and bottlefeeding thing, right?”

“I hope you’re not afraid to accept some help. You’ll need it.”

“I hope s/he is going to be pitching in more?”

Adoption

“You’re not gonna keep it, right? I mean face it, you’re not parenthood material!”

”I understand you don’t want to keep the baby and I support whatever you want to do.”

“You’re giving up your baby to great parents. That’s not selfish.”

“That’s so selfish of you to not even think of your baby. Of course they want to know you more than two strangers just raising them!”

“Wait, so you’re adopting a baby?”

“I don’t think I’d be able to love a child that isn’t my blood.”

“You already love them so much. It’s obviously meant to be.”

“How much does a baby cost, anyway? Can’t you just buy a dog and call it even?”

“Are you afraid your paperwork will get rejected?”

“Does traveling to get your baby scare you?”

“Will you change their name?”

“Did something happen to the parents?”

“I’m certain you’re strong enough to answer their questions when they’re old enough to ask them.”

“You shouldn’t keep secrets about their life. Don’t lie to them about being adopted.”

“I wouldn’t call it lying. I would call it being selective. They don’t have to know they didn’t come out of your womb, right?”

Childrearing

“Once you have a kid, you lose everything. Your sex life, your party life, your quiet life. It’s gone.” 

“Those eighteen years go too fast.” 

“So what’s more exciting? The poopie Picassos at 3am or the green bean Van Goghs at dinner?”

“I guess you haven’t heard a modern music station in the past year. I guess you’ve memorized the soundtrack to the latest cartoon musical!”

“So is the sugary cereal for them or are you happy you get an excuse to eat it again?”

“Be honest. You play with your kid’s toys more than they do.”

“When they call for you, you feel like a superhero because you are their super hero.”

“When you accept that a toddler is just a tiny drunk college student having a meltdown, you start to feel better.”

“If I have to sit through the Wiggles one more time…”

“I like hanging out with you more than my child-free friends. You have food. You have ice pops. You also have Disney movies.”

“Lego bombs. Oh my god, lego bombs in the carpet..”

“The minivan was probably the sensible purchase.”

“I had no idea a baby could fart that loud!”

“Dressing baby girls is fun. Then they age three years and the boys get the better, tasteful clothing. Girls? No they get the glitter bombs from hell.”

[text] You thought that with Toudou? Fine, I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t destroy anything until I get there.

                                  ❦     .вℓєє∂ιηg

                                   ❦     .вℓєє∂ιηg

today’s 60 minute challenge was ‘yellow’

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