Coming Out Advice

Hope I didn’t see this too late!

First, just make sure you’re in a safe situation. If you don’t feel comfortable with the conversation, it’s ok to say so, and either talk later or communicate in another way (a letter, for example).

As for resources, here’s what’s worked for me:

- https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics

- https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.com/forparentsguardians

- Just googling “resources for parents of trans people” or something similar (make sure to read through to make sure the info is correct)

- There are plenty of books out there, but again make sure to at least skim through

- If you know an irl trans person (or someone online) they may be able to help you or at least show you’re not the only one

It could also be helpful to explain how YOU feel, in simple terms. “Xyz makes me feel uncomfortable but abc makes me happy” might be enough at first. Also, “I know it’s a lot to process; this is something important to me and it would mean a lot to have your support” can begin to communicate what you need.

Lastly, be patient. It can be difficult for someone to process this and it may take some time.

I don’t think I can give you a definitive answer on this, since it’s such a nuanced situation. I know it can really hurt a lot to be in the closet, but if you are in an unsafe situation with it then it’s probably the better option.

If they completely support lesbian/gay people then it’s possible that if it’s really necessary you could come out partially (like say you are lesbian) but that is not recommended. I definitely would say to talk to someone trusted - friend, therapist, counselor - so you don’t need to feel like you are masking your true self, but don’t do anything that will put you in danger.

If you feel like this will genuinely help you and you’re sure it’s safe, I would say go ahead. Make sure that if you do tell them just say that you are not out and do not want them to out you. If they are truly supportive they will support you without outing you, because that is what will be safest for you. 

Some of the benefits of coming out to just one person (or a select few) are that you have someone to talk to, get to practice coming out, a support system behind you, and you generally have more control of the situation.

However, it’s ok to give it time if you can. It really sucks to be in the closet, but it’s much better than rushing it. And it sounds like there is more than one English teacher you want to tell—you don’t have to tell all of them, you can just start with one and see how it goes. If the others are upset you didn't tell them first, they are’t worth coming out to.

Also, find out if there are other LGBTQ+ students in your school, or a GSA if available, and talk to them. It feels good to have someone to talk and relate to, and if they know the teachers they could help you with that.

It sounds like you have really thought this through, which is great! It is important to really consider your situation and what works best for you and it definitely seems like you have thought this through.

Honestly, the easiest way to prompt question-asking is to flat-out say “do you have any questions?” or “I am open to answering questions/would love to answer your questions” so you really get your point across. Some people simply don’t like to ask questions, or think it’s a too personal topic, or just don’t know if they should ask anything, so if you vaguely imply it, that probably won’t do the trick. 

It’s ok to use more than one coming out method, or start the conversation with one of the methods for prompting a conversation (you can find these farther down on my blog). For example, start the conversation by saying “so I heard [celebrity] came out” or another LGBTQ related conversation starter (or a question!). You can also prepare for coming out by collecting even more pride flags, using a gender-affirming nickname/clothing, or just hinting at it beforehand. Then when you want to start the conversation you can begin with “so you may have seen that I...” Also, even if you don’t have deep conversations all that often it’s still okay and even important to make it serious if that’s what you need.

One more thing I’d like to note, you wrote that your mum says things like “people can do what they want with their lives” which can be a harmful habit/point of view. While this most likely isn’t enough to bar you from safely coming out, be mindful of the language you use and make sure she knows that being LGBTQ+ isn’t a “lifestyle choice” but who you are.

Don’t come out.

You said it yourself- you are scared, they don’t have a good stance, you are terrified you will get disowned, hurt or worse, you can’t deal with the outcome...all of these are clear indicators you definitely should not come out. I’m guessing you figured this out already but feel pressure to come out “because you love them,” and I’m here to give you permission to stay in the closet for as long as you need. Society tries to convince us that coming out is super important and that you’re only valid if you’re out, but that isn’t true. Your safety is so much more important - and coming out honestly isn’t as liberating as it seems. You ‘want them to know because you love them’, but if they can’t accept you for who you are do they really deserve your love? 

If you feel that something bad will happen if your parents find out you are LGBTQ+, you should consider getting outside help. Talk to a counselor, therapist, or doctor, or even a trusted friend or ally. Make a plan of where you could stay if you are kicked out and plans for anything else. If you are in a truly unsafe situation, consider removing yourself from it. Safety is more important than being out.

Hope I’m not too late!

I’ve had some similar experiences, but what I’ve found is that if you feel safe and want to come out, just go for it! It’s hard to tell people your new pronouns, but it’s even harder to tell them your old ones and have them continuously misgender you.

One option is to just tell them your pronouns if/when they ask, and not make a big deal out of it. Generally people are just like “ok” and move on, and if they ask more questions you can tell them you’ll talk with them privately later or don’t feel comfortable answering that question. If you want, you can also simply tell them that you are sharing your pronouns with them here but you want to keep it in the class for now.

Another option is if you don’t want to tell people personally, you can just wear a pin/sticker or put your pronouns after your name if it’s on Zoom. There probably will be less interaction about it anyway, but everyone will know. It’s up to you.

Don’t worry about it being awkward or weird. It is always awkward at first, but you will probably feel more comfortable in the long run.

It’s a good idea to plan ahead in this situation! Try telling them that you have something important to talk about and need their full attention when they are ready. This gives them the opportunity to do so when they are available and more likely to be able to focus on you. Also, remember that you do not need to come out to everyone all at once.

Some options include writing a letter, going on a walk together, or simply sitting down and having a thoughtful conversation. Make sure both parties are available and prepared for this.

On the other hand, you could also just come out in a fun way they can’t ignore. - Disclaimer: don’t do this unless you are 100% SURE they are supportive. - This could mean baking a cake, actually coming out of a closet, hanging up a lot of pride flags (over time or all at once), sending them a meme, etc. Then it isn’t as serious, if that is what you need.

Check out my lists farther down on this blog for some ideas of both serious and fun ways to come out!

Sometimes it is very difficult to tell. As a rule of thumb, if someone is “sometimes homophobic” that usually means that they always are and it just doesn't seem that way sometimes. If they’ve only said one or two homophobic things and it was a long time ago, they have probably grown and may be safe. Just be careful.

Try to build your relationship with him so he is more close with you and more likely to be accepting, and introduce him to the idea of the LGBTQ+ community. For example, watch a show together with and LGBTQ+ side character, or if you want to be less subtle send informative resources (website links, posts, etc)

It’s ok to wait. There is no set order for coming out to people, so you can definitely tell your friends, a counselor/therapist, other relatives, or talk anonymously on the internet in the meantime. 

Timing is everything.

Location is very important, but timing is one of the more overlooked aspects of a successful coming out. Here are some things to consider.

Firstly, think about the day: sooner or later? Remember not to rush yourself, but it can sometimes be nice to plan ahead because this can sometimes relieve a little anxiety. Certain days may be more available than others, and you want to make sure it is a day where you both will have the time and space you need.

Time of day is also important. One of the most common times is lunchtime: it isn’t right after you wake up, but not in the afternoon or evening where people might be more stressed and tired. Nighttime is one of the worst times, because people’s emotions are more fragile and blown up at night. This can lead to more negative reactions, and you also don’t want to leave it with anyone (including yourself) right before you go to bed. You could also think of a time when you are not in the same place as the other person. 

Don’t be afraid to postpone if something comes up or if someone is in a negative mood! Coming out can bring a whole slew of emotions, so if either of you is feeling sad, angry, stressed, or another negative emotion you may want to wait until later.

Don’t come out to someone if you don’t feel safe doing so. Using slurs is generally a sign that someone is not safe to come out to, though it is ultimately up to you. If you feel safe and comfortable, it may be alright to tell her you are pan, but it seems like she isn’t ready to hear you are genderfluid. Talking about your sexuality can build a stronger relationship and let her know you aren’t cishet, just make sure you know first she is accepting of all sexualities and not just “LGB.” 

I would suggest talking about your gender to a trusted friend, therapist, counselor, or someone else who you feel safe coming out to. It feels nice to relieve yourself of a secret, and it’s possible they could help you come out to your mom (if and when you are ready). Practice daily self affirmations too.

In order to help her start to be more accepting around gender, try to lead her to some subtle resources, like a tv show with a trans character. She needs to understand the basics first, like how it isn’t a choice, is common, etc. She doesn’t need every detail, and at some point you probably want to educate her on not using slurs. 

Remember, some people just take time.

When someone comes out to you

When someone comes out to you, they have probably thought long and hard about it. They have considered the risks and chosen you specifically because they feel safe around you. What you need to do is make them feel safe and comfortable.

Firstly, make sure they know that you love and support them no matter what. People need to hear this a lot, especially if they have chosen to confide in you. Coming out can bring lots of different and unexpected reactions and for this reason people can get really nervous about coming out. Help them feel comfortable and safe

Additionally, remember that it isn’t about you. Do not make it about you, share your own feelings (except if you also come out to show you are safe for them), or react as if this is difficult for you. However hard it is for you, it is many times harder for them.

Ask what they need. You probably have many questions, but first you should ask if they want to talk now or would be open to having a conversation later. 

Prepare for a conversation.

At times, a conversation with the person/people you came out to is inevitable. What you need to remember is that the conversation should be on your terms (if you are the one who came out) and still give the other person some space to ask questions and share. Understand that most people are simply confused or surprised and not trying to hurt you. However, others may not have this good intent all the time, so don’t come out if you think it might put you in danger.

Make sure you are in a safe place and feel comfortable to take a break or step out for a minute if you are overwhelmed. It is recommended to have these types of conversations in a neutral ground. For example: dining/living room, therapist’s office, a park, but NOT in your/their bedroom, house, or workplace if it is not shared. This will help both people feel safe but able to step out if needed. Additionally, have it at a time that is convenient and not rushed for either party, and a time when everyone is in an ok mood. It is ok to reschedule.

Beforehand, think of questions that might be asked and maybe prepare some answers. Consider what you would want to know if someone came out to you, but be sure to set boundaries so that you don’t regret oversharing. This is about you.

Here is a list of 25 fun ways to come out!

Send them a meme

Bake a cake with your flag colors

Hang pride flags in your room

Dye your hair with your flag’s colors

Make a pun

Literally come out of a closet

Throw a gender reveal party for yourself

Wear a bunch of rainbows and let them figure it out

“The first person to comment on this post is gay” then comment “surprise!”

Change your ringtone/sing an LGBTQ song (like “I’m Coming Out”)

Tell them you’re straight/cis on April Fools Day

Change your phone/computer background to something lgbtq+ related and see how long it takes for them to find out

Make or buy an lgbtq+ pin

Just. Bring home a partner of the same gender (LGB+) or start wearing gender affirming clothes (T+) without saying anything

Bake cupcakes and write one letter on each of them

Send them a cute note

Write “I’m gay/trans” on the bottom of a mug and drink from it

Hide mini pride flags all around the house

Take them to a surprise place - a pride parade (after COVID)!

Wear an LGBTQ+ t-shirt

Talk about how you relate to an LGBTQ+ celebrity

Change your social media bio and tell them to look at it (or not!)

Send them a photo/video that says something like “the person who sent this to you wants to let you know they are gay/trans”

Tell them you’re the [letter] in LGBTQ (for example if you are a lesbian you are the “L” in LGBTQ)

Just tell them!

Note - only do these if you feel safe and comfortable and will be accepted!

Please reblog with more ideas ♥️