Yon Hearkening Stentorian

I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.

First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 

Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.

14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.

About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!

She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.

Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.

But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.

On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.

Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.

Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.

I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 

The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 

Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 

I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 

So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?

Gone. 

I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.

I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.

I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 

BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.

I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 

What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 

Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.

Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.

But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.

But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 

While expected, it’s kind of crazy to log back onto this blog after forgetting about it for a while and realizing that the last time I posted here I had never heard of Coronavirus, or more particularly, the variant SARS-CoV-2. 

Since then, it seems as though everything and nothing have come to rise, percolate, boil over, and evaporate, and leave behind the sticky, splotchy residue of unrest, and perhaps more frustratingly, the ever-consuming mantle of simply soldiering on. Bills don’t stop needing to be paid, and projects don’t stop coming through the pipe. We still need art and entertainment and stories to keep us engaged and encouraged... so we continue to create. 

I’ve been a little extra pensive lately; my latest project is proofing a textbook that would have been appropriate reading for my graduate school program: one that I quit because of my college’s inability to successfully adapt to the pandemic. As I listen to the copy of the book, each sentence is another reminder of the hypocrisy of the program, which proposed to teach the importance of innovative communication and leadership, yet failed to innovate its own procedures when provided with the perfect opportunity in which to do so. Instead, it demanded the same commitment of its students while providing a fraction of the value at a compromised timeline, which apparently isn’t even completed yet, despite being scheduled to end back in May.

All in all, I’m glad I abandoned ship when I saw the writing on the wall. It did actually help me focus more on my business, and less on... well, things that didn’t really matter as much. I discovered a lot about myself in the program, and I met some great folks there. It wasn’t time wasted. 

But it was time shared with a shake-up that altered my life, and I’m not sure if my brain has officially caught up to it all. 

Supposedly, 28 is a big year of change for a lot of folks- one that brings with it the (occasionally explosive) conclusion to many eras of one’s life: and for me this was no different. I, in essence, gave up live event production in favor of studio work (although I will still mix a concert from time to time), bought a house with my husband, adopted my first puppy, discovered some major health diagnoses that have kickstarted a new vision of myself, and moved to the country, which, in itself, has brought with it a few new identities that we have chosen to embrace. Farmers, landscapers, DIY-ers, dreamers... 

Well, I suppose we’ve always been dreamers.

Homeowners.

Business owners. Creatives. Producers. 

Yeah. All of that.

To say I’ve been adjusting to being busy wouldn’t be entirely accurate. I’ve been busy most of my life, with that odd exception of April-July of 2020, where I was strangely afloat on a wave of suspense and anti-productivity, having been forced into a state of arrested development... and eager to find a way out. But also, just as strangely... not.

Covid lifted a veil for a lot of us in that way, I think. We were tired. We’re still tired. I feel as though this past year I’ve been catching up on decades of lost sleep and personal work that I set aside for other aspirations over the course of my life. And while on one hand, I’m benefitting now from the efforts of the last two decades: the acting classes, the college education, the studio investments, the financial investments... on the other, I’m breaking down my own understanding of the outside expectations I’ve sought to meet over the years. I’m questioning so much about myself, the world, my place within it. My generation’s place within it. 

The thunderstorms have been unyielding this season. Andy and I shake our heads as the winds rip apart our neighbors’ yards, while we sit relatively unscathed... We don’t ask if we’re next. We just take the precautions we know to take, and prepare for tomorrow. 

Recently I took a trip to California for Grad School. I was asked to write a reflection on how storytelling is realized in the Disney Parks, and I ended up just critiquing the parks a whole bunch. But I’m really proud of my paper, so I thought I’d post it here!

So here goes:

When analyzing how theme parks craft a story, it is essential that one begin with The Walt Disney Company and its properties. Disney very much created the idea of a truly “themed” park: one in which every element is designed to create a world unto itself, and to allow its patrons to forget the world outside the park gates. However, Walt Disney never would have been able to create such a place if he hadn’t first animated stories that became ingrained in the childhood memories of the majority of Americans. Walt Disney Studios gave fairy tales new life by fleshing out their characters and plots for the silver screen- and audiences craved the opportunity to step inside those fairytale worlds for themselves. John Gardner wrote that plot “transforms [a character] from a static construct to a lifelike human being,” and in many ways this is precisely what Walt Disney Studios did with the mostly flat morality tales of the Brothers Grimm in the early days of animation. It’s a shame, however, that the Walt Disney Company’s ability to flesh out character and plot hasn’t truly materialized in its parks.

There is no main character, and thus, no main plot, in the world of Disneyland. I believe the biggest risk that Disneyland takes in its theme park storytelling is combining all of their intellectual properties into one park. While one could argue it may be the most economical and profit-yielding way to do it, I found during my walk-throughs of the parks that it becomes impossible to be engrossed in a story when there are too many stories happening at once.

The greatest mythos that Disney created in Disneyland was Mainstreet USA. In many ways, the true attraction of Disneyland is the land itself: the environment in which all the attractions reside. The reason why Mainstreet USA is so successful in its world creation is because it creates the setting in which you- the audience- are also the main character. This land is your chance to explore, and create a story for yourself: your day at Disneyland with your family. It is the entrance of the park: and it immediately integrates the parkgoers into a fantasy: what it’s like to be the American Dream-er ä living the American Dream ä, which becomes essential in crafting one’s enjoyment of the park. A true American is a consumer, a dreamer, and doesn’t think about the day-to-day struggles of the world beyond. Mainstreet USA gives you permission to inhabit “the very life of fiction” as Gardner puts it, and Disneyland is your setting, and your plot is what you choose to make it as you wander through the park.

But once you leave the beautiful and uniformed simplicity of idealized Americana, your position as the lead character in your own story begins to disintegrate. Perhaps this is influenced by my own experience with the parks, attending only as an adult and never as a child, but as the worlds focus more and more on the intellectual properties of The Walt Disney Company, the less I, as an attendee, am able to see where exactly I fit into the story. I find myself asking, who lives here? Who is the main character of this world? I lose the story when I lose my place within it: I found myself most enjoying the areas of the park without rides or attractions or stores: the transitional walkways. They were the places in which I was able to return to the lead character in my own Disney movie, instead of a bystander in someone else’s. Which begs the question: am I doing it wrong? In which story am I supposed to be participating when at Disneyland?

One of the factors contributing to this identity crisis is the distinct design difference between the original areas of Disneyland and the newer renovated lands of the park. Although themed differently, the four original lands of the park excel in their ability to present a “main street” of their own: a familiar orienting point of reference from which attendees can appreciate the differences between each land. We recognize the paved or cobbled walkway, the stores and buildings to either side, the bridges crossing the stream. We can observe and imagine from the safety of the path before embarking on the next “adventure,” when we transport ourselves into a ride or a store. And even then: the rides and stores are integrated into the main path. Each patron in line can see the Pirates of the Caribbean boats curve their way through New Orleans, The Mark Twain steamboat and the Jolly Roger sail by Frontierland, allowing the guests to observe one another. The best way in which Disneyland expands the worlds of its characters and properties is in setting creation: once you cross any threshold in Disneyland, you are truly transported to a new chapter of your story. However, it can be almost disorienting to find yourself in a new place each time you cross under an archway- which can also dull the “vivid and continuous” dream Disney has created. Where am I now? Am I lost? How do I get back?

What I appreciate about the older areas of the park is their size: the smaller stores and walkways allow us to keep tabs on where we are in relation to the street, and our group, and the other guests: as the lands expanded into the newer areas of the park it became harder to keep track of where exactly I was. It became easier and easier to get lost in the stores- as they continued to grow and fill with increasingly repetitious merchandise. All of which was centered around equally repetitious intellectual properties. The most clear indication of the story I was entering was whichever story’s merchandise was lining the shelves around me.

This brings me to the newest land attraction to Disneyland: Galaxy’s Edge. Dwarfing the scope of every other land in the park by about 50%, the environmental design is remarkable. Like the other lands, it too has its “main street”, shrouded from the California sunlight by other-worldly faux rock structures, making one truly feel like they are on another planet. It was easy to see why Star Wars fans were smitten with the very streets in which they stood: at last, there was a setting in which they could safely explore the terrors of their favorite fantasy world. I’d argue its easier for an adult to pretend to be Luke Skywalker, beginning his journey as a virtual nobody in a harsh world, than say… Peter Pan or Cinderella, if given the appropriate setting. And I feel Disney has taken a huge leap in creating a world that can “enable our ‘vivid and continuous dream’” and “satisfy the transmedia appetite” of adult consumers- and not just children. The scale of Galaxy’s Edge indeed gives away its core audience: while Sleeping Beauty’s castle or the forced perspective of Main Street USA may be imposing and grand to a 5-year-old, it’s merely cute to someone who has grown past four feet tall. There is nothing “cute” about the imposing red cliffs of Galaxy’s Edge.

But here is where, analyzing the worldbuilding and storytelling of Disneyland, I’m torn. Whereas the world design of Galaxy’s Edge was some of the best in the park (even the bathrooms— I excitedly exclaimed to the cohort upon exit— fit the theme of the park!), the storytelling was some of the weakest. Our entire group was disappointed in the main ride of the challenge (based on piloting the Millennium Falcon). While cool in concept, assigning tasks to the riders served better to take us out of the world than to welcome us into it. We were distracted from the story of the ride and faced with our own inadequacies as players of the ride, which began to gnaw at the suspension of my disbelief. I would have been happier to merely explore the Millennium Falcon as a world in itself, much like a museum attraction, rather than slap some light-up buttons on a pastiche with a CGI movie of knock-off characters playing in the background. Again, I was no longer the main character of my own Star Wars-themed story: I was an afterthought in Han Solo’s. While Disneyland excels in its worldbuilding, it fails spectacularly in its expansion of its properties through story rides. Half of Tomorrowland is home to giant, vacant buildings that once held rides that are too expensive to reimagine. Disney’s most famous thrill ride (Space Mountain) takes place in a black hole— literally just darkness and fairy lights, unrelated to any of Disney’s actual IP’s. Which perhaps might be why some of its most-loved attractions serve to chauffeur you through its worlds (Pirates of the Caribbean, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, It’s a Small World, etc.) rather than create a narrative in which you can take part. These rides, in which you can point and laugh, absorb and share with family and friends: these fit into the narrative you created for yourself in Main Street USA. Being ushered through a Guitar Hero-esque series of button prompts in a facsimile of the Millennium Falcon… just doesn’t.

The designers of Disneyland may be brainstorming how to fix these bugs in California Adventure. My favorite rides of the day: Guardians of the Galaxy, Cars, and the Incredicoaster, all did a great job of telling a story within a ride, and using the ride itself to tell the story. In the Cars ride, you find yourself speeding through Lightning McQueen’s story, while getting to appreciate the beauty of Radiator Springs and the thrill of the race: the ride uses the fact that it is a ride to better illustrate the plot of the story, even ending with a photo finish and Lightning McQueen saying that he’ll always have a soft spot in his heart for Radiator Springs. Like Mainstreet USA, the Cars “land,” while a cut-and-paste recreation of the town from the movie, nods its head once more to an idealized American town (albeit from a very particular part of America’s history and culture). You can tell it was designed by the same team that forged the cliffs of Galaxy’s Edge, but you’re also given glimpses of main characters’ perspectives and engrossed in their livelihoods throughout the park AND the ride— something Galaxy’s Edge never quite nailed.

Likewise, the Guardians of the Galaxy skin imposed onto the former Tower of Terror perfectly incorporates the physics of a drop ride into an escape narrative. As a rider, you become privy to an escape heist in the elevator shaft of the villain’s secret lab/factory/lair. The ride puts you inside the story of the characters you already love; and digs a little deeper into the greater world of the story’s villain, which is something audiences are always hungry for. And, because it’s Guardians of the Galaxy, which in itself centers around a pretty rag-tag bunch of heroes, the slap-dash escape with a few “bumps” along the way makes sense from a story perspective. At no point did the story distract me from the ride, or the ride distract me from the story— the story enhanced the thrill of the ride.

And the Incredicoaster is one of the few rides that truly gives us “something new:” an adventure with Jack-Jack as the family attempts to rescue him from himself. The coaster designs its “dark ride” elements to incorporate characters from the franchise, while you twist and turn your way through being tossed between Mr. and Mrs. Incredible and the kids. It’s a light touch of storytelling, but endearing to fans and perfectly fitted to an enjoyable thrill ride. It gave me a perspective I didn’t have upon entry: turning riding a roller coaster into experiencing the fast-cuts and high-speeds of an action superhero movie from the super’s perspective. If that isn’t an example of filling my transmedia appetite, I don’t know what is: feeling what it’s like to be part of a SuperFamily.

These are all examples of how a ride can properly drop you into a pre-existing narrative, while surviving within your own personal narrative of your trip to Disney. However, Cliff’s criticisms of California Adventure ring true: the rest of the setting of the park feels cheap, hollow, compared to the complete immersion of Disneyland. You can see every land from everywhere: you’re never truly “immersed” into any one place. The world-building was also half-hearted and lazy: the homages to the California state parks and Hollywood, plastic and two-dimensional, just made me wish I was in a real state park, or Hollywood. And as we wandered through the long stretches of Californian pastiche, I felt an echo of nostalgia… overshadowed by the suspicion that my nostalgia was being milked for profit. A sentiment that became all too familiar walking through every post-attraction gift shop— in both parks. Despite these obvious flaws, I believe that the makings of a perfectly immersive and engaging park are there in Anaheim: but one needs to dig into what makes each element of the parks great to get there.

I’d like to coin a new phrase that I think will really take off among those millennials I keep hearing about: “Productinating”. See, it’s like procrastinating, but instead of avoiding doing important things by watching youtube videos on making craft cocktails with ingredients you’ll never take the time to make or buy from a fancy website, you avoid doing the top items on your to-do list by doing things that WEREN’T on your to-do list but are still productive. Examples of such activities include, but are not limited to:

-Taking out the recycling.

-Cleaning the bathroom (and I mean really getting in there, taking the long-handled scrubby brush to the tub and giving that orange-scented aerosol-loaded astro-foam at least the full 15 minutes to dissolve that caked-on soap scum).

-Putting together the Swiffer you bought a month ago.

-Ordering a new vacuum on Amazon because you just. can’t. fucking. stand. the old one anymore.

And yes. I DID try cleaning out the bag. It’s just dead, okay? It’s Dead, Jim. DEAD, you HEAR ME???

-Washing the Reidel wine glasses with boiling water and microfiber clothes like the pros do.

-Updating flash player.

-Not laundry, though. Laundry is not allowed in productinating.

I’m not going to claim I did everything on this list today to avoid working on a project that I REALLY (but actually, like- for real really) need to get done. I updated flash player last week. But you know, the bathroom did need to get cleaned. And our scale is sparkling now. Speaking of scale, did I mention that my fitbit counted my cleaning as a workout? Who knew my pulse raced so much when cutting some elbow grease on the shower head? 

With orientation for grad school just around the corner and my last free weekend of the summer just about behind me, I guess this seems like an appropriate way to spend the day. Granted, the day isn’t over, so I could still get something on my actual to-do list done... but I just don’t see that happening rn. Seeing how late I slept in this morning, I’ve apparently really needed some rest for a while. And that makes sense. It’s been a wild couple of months- and despite being in the steadiest job I’ve had in a while, things have felt strangely up-in-the-air. John Mayer once referred to a “quarter-life crisis” in a song of his, and I feel that ringing true today. It’s a sort of paralysis of choice that comes with this time of your life: limited resources, unlimited places to direct those resources. It’s like starting a game of minecraft, you know? Okay, I’ve got two ingots of iron and could really use a pickaxe, but what if I used it instead for an axe so I could build a few more chests? What if I save it up until I can make a full set of armor? Ugh, you know, a bucket would be good too. 

So you’ve got $1000. That’s more than you’ve had in a while- where does it go? Well, you need a vacuum. Okay, then you only have $900. Your friend’s girlfriend is in town? Well we should totally show her the wine trail! Oh, there’s another $80 on tastings for the day and snacks. Ugh, you’re so tired want to just order dinner tonight? Yeah, cocktails too. Oh, but you were going to make an extra payment on that loan, but you haven’t gotten that one check from that client yet- once you get that- shoot, credit card? Oh, man, you DID make your grad school deposit this month, didn’t you? 

You’re not out of money, you’re actually in a good place for the first time, like, ever. But you’re not making enough to really do anything with it. And the endless debt feels like burying your money in a hole, but it’s a hole that needs to get filled if you’re going to build a house on it. 

And you really want a house. Like, to the point that pinterest starts to look like porn after a while. Ugh, look at that SKYLIGHT aw man, gimme that coffee bar, looks so good! But of course, the apartment makes sense right now. It’s the responsible place to be. And it’s not like there are any tax incentives to owning a home right now anyway, so why even bother building equity in it when you can’t even deduct all of the taxes and mortgage interest with Trump’s stupid tax plan?

It’s a lot to think about. Always. Never stops. And some might say it’s all part of being an adult, but you know, I can’t help but think that living paycheck-to-paycheck and micromanaging every penny and prioritizing each and every aspect of your life is so much an adult responsibility as it is a poor person responsibility. Keeping up with the primaries and seeing ideas like universal childcare and health care and student loan forgiveness being a possibility makes me realize that we’ve got a lot on our plate and people are starting to take notice. I just hope it’s soon enough that I might get to have the life I’ve been working towards before I’m 50. 

I’ll elaborate on this more in my eventual memoir. But suffice it to say, you’ll never be good at something until you know the WHY behind the what. Troubleshooting 101. 

It doesn’t matter if your thing works. If you can’t recreate it working or fix it when it doesn’t work, then it’s not really working, is it?

is an instagram photo I took over a year ago, when my husband and I visited his hometown before our wedding to finalize our ceremony details. He was driving us home through the rolling central New York hills, capped with the mostly-melted remnants of the last snow, and we were trying to make it back to Ithaca before the sun set.

We didn’t quite make it- because night comes pretty early upstate in February. I was in the passenger seat, which in itself is a rarity on long road trips, and I was allowing myself to enjoy the scenery. I love long car rides with Andy. It’s one of the few times I’m able to be quiet with my thoughts, and fully present in a conversation without some task or work-related thing distracting me. In my rearview mirror I saw the sunset- bright orange and vibrant against the not-quite-silhouetted trees, grass, snow, and roads. The road ahead is beautifully lit at golden hour, but behind us we could barely see the details for being blinded by the bright horizon.

As a driver, that’s the worst. You can’t look in the rearview, it’s not bright enough for sunglasses but too bright without them, and you’re at that awkward headlight time with the other drivers on the road. Deer are hard to see. Gray cars can get washed out. But as a passenger, I was struck by the beauty of the landscape.

In the picture, you see the words at the bottom of the side mirror, “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR”. A few months before our wedding, struggling with deadlines and deposits and decorations and organizing vacation time, these words just reminded me of the stress from which I only had brief respite in the car- but looking at the photo now, I feel a lot more in these words. 

If I started a cooking blog, I think that’s what I’d call it. Keto Princess. It’s got a nice ring to it, has all the fun of that Pioneer-Woman type of pure millennial mom-i-tude, you know what I mean? Of course, the whole point would be to laugh in the face of the princess stereotype, so it’s more of a cynical jab at the perfect Pinterest Mom mentality, but... okay. Maybe I wouldn’t call it that. 

The past couple of weeks have been pretty full of Keto and Princess. You see, in addition to finagling my diet a bit to better fit my lifestyle and tastes and actual weight loss record, I’ve recently started recording and producing a podcast with my friend, client, and mentor Reverend Dr. Robin Blair. We’ve worked together for years on Common Good Radio, which is an online Christian radio station for kids, and although I wouldn’t classify myself as a typical Christian, I do believe in God and go to church sometimes and all that. I’ve got a complex spiritualistic belief system that doesn’t exactly fit in with the Methodist Church, but I love Pastor Robin and all she does for the community and the Methodist Council, so it’s really fun working with her. 

Our podcast is called Married to the Media, and in it we analyze children’s media and dissect how to talk about it and discuss it and engage with it in a family setting. Really, it’s our answer to a media-centric culture, and trying to come to grips with the affect media has on our kids- something we should have been paying more attention to since the dawn of VHS tapes. I grew up in the 90s, when Nickelodeon and the Disney Renaissance RULED my childhood (and many others), so this has been a big dive for me back into rediscovering my youth and everything that was wrong (or right) with it. We started our series with a big triple threat dive into the Disney Princesses- Snow White, Cinderella, and Brave. 

I’ll save all the analysis and conversation for the Podcasts- but it’s been an adventure, to say the least. And I’ve had Princess on the brain for a while. I’m trying to reclaim the term now- because after going through college crying to anyone who would listen that the Princess Stereotype is ruining our generation, I’m kinda backtracking on my original “proof” for that concept. If you watch Cinderella again, it’s actually pretty great. And ScreenPrism did a solid analysis of it on YouTube that snapped me out of my passive acceptance of “Princesses are Bad for Girls” stance. 

It’s been a doozy of a month for a few other reasons, too- my wallet got stolen last week (and happened to have almost all of my bridal shower checks in it), so I had to go through that big hullabullub and come to terms with loss and all that. It sucked, and all in all the whole week kinda sucked, but I’ve bounced back from all of the crap that was gunning for me since March 30. After taking a look at my horoscope, it seems the powers that be want to blame Mercury for being in retrograde, but whatever the cause I’m staying positive and ready to embrace the cosmic turnaround that’s apparently in place for me starting on Sunday when Mercury reverses itself and gets its shit together. 

Seriously, Mercury. Get your shit. Together. 

And at the risk of this blog becoming a weight loss blog, I’ve also adjusted my diet yet again, going from Tim Ferris-approved “Slow Carb” to the more generally accepted “Ketogenic” Diet, which essentially means I swapped beans for cheese and now can have berries every now and then. There’s a little more carb counting, but I’ve got a great app and am much happier overall. Still finding it next to impossible to break that 190 mark, even WITHOUT cheat day, which is a little frustrating... but ah well. Trying not to focus on the scale. Most of the men in my life are telling me I’m looking great (which is not at all necessary, but nice- and I DO appreciate it), and I’m exercising more and feeling healthier. So. Good. All good stuff. 

In other news, it’s been fun to diversify my work a little more. Co-hosting a podcast has been good to remind me that I’m a pretty intelligent and well-spoken person, and the fact that I’m able to keep pace with Pastor Robin talking about media and parenting, of all things, is encouraging to me. Same with the editing and mixing and mastering I’ve been doing lately- which is more than making up for my February-Mid March slump of barely any studio projects. It’s nice to keep busy in the studio (in addition to keeping busy with everything else). Not only that, but it’s something of a dream of mine to get to analyze and talk about media for a living- I love to do it. It’s one of the reasons I took so many English classes in college: analyzing books and movies and plays and the spoken word is one of my all-time favorite things. And writing off Disney movies as a business expense? What’s not to love about that??

I have had the song “HELP” but The Front Bottoms stuck in my head all morning, and have been playing it in a solid loop for the past half hour. In other words, this morning I’m winning. Just paid this week’s bills, showered, dressed, AND made it to the bank all before 10 am (despite not getting to bed until 1)- and now I’m even in the office with my tea and intentions to do my office work today! Should be easier since I don’t actually have to do sound tonight, although I am super excited to see tonight’s show at the bar.

This weekend Andy and I have a bunch of goals: we’re unveiling our 2017 vintage to the people who followed our journey earlier last year, and so we’re throwing a big ol’ tasting party with lots of cheese and home-made bread and baked goodies, and probably other snacks too although I’m not sure what yet. Baking can get expensive (especially since I’m planning on decorating a special cake for Andy to celebrate his finishing his first programming course on Linda), so we’ll see how much is left after budgeting for cheese and sweets. And you know, actual groceries for the week. 

I’ve really started to enjoy Fridays. First of all, having a regular blogging schedule again has been awesome: I look forward to writing my blog posts each Friday and reflect on my week. It also helps me to front-load all of my meetings and editing in the beginning of the week so I can focus on office catch up and live sound for the end of the week. So what did I do this week?

Well, flipping through my planner, I did my taxes. Yeah taxes! That’s always a big thing to cross off my list. I also used the rest of my business savings to pay off almost all of my credit card business expenses left over from 2017. Tuesday I got up super early to substitute for a Business Networking meeting that was actually a lot more fun than I anticipated (leading me to think I might actually be able to get something out of joining for real for the first time since subbing for people 4 years ago), then I met with one of my clients to map out our goals for the month in getting a multi-media network together and starting a podcast series, THEN I hot-footed it over to another bar in town where I helped out with a live sound training with a local non-profit that puts on all-ages shows. Woohoo! Wednesday I had my wedding dress fitting and finished some editing for another client, and then yesterday I had meetings with the Downtown Ithaca Alliance, a Cornell PhD candidate who’s writing her dissertation on Gender in Sound Engineering, and worked a show of Traditional Irish and Celtic music.

Needless to say, I didn’t get to emails much this week, but hey I had a lot on the docket ;) And while last week I was inside most days, this week I got to get out and check in on my ongoing business relationships: which was necessary for me to solidify my projects and organization for the next few months. It’s good to know that the bases of income are covered for now, and I’m feeling better about my ability to save enough for taxes next year now that I have an idea of what a “typical” year will look like for me.

Am I back on the diet? Yes. I’ve been doing good since Monday, and am back down to where I was at my lowest last week. Still in the 190′s, but after my little freakout last week I wanted to refocus my intention for this diet and my workout plan. First and foremost, even if I can’t work out 5 days a week, I NEED to do my PT exercises. At Chiro yesterday I checked off a lot of improvement boxes. Moving more and building the little muscles that have atrophied from lack of use the past few years is crucial. Now is the time I prevent pain in my 50s, and I’m forming the right habits to be a healthy parent and adult and avoid pain in my prime. So- yeah! Remember what I’m doing this for. This is overall a long-term project to be a healthier person. And it’s working! Slowly, but the progress is REAL and should be lasting since I’m adopting new habits. Building new muscles. Establishing a new relationship with eating and food, and realizing it’s just better to eat healthy most of the time. 

So I’m just sticking to basics now and not freaking out so much. Weighing myself a lot less often and not freaking out so much about meals or “what’s allowed;” instead just eating what’s healthy and available. Allowing myself to be hungry for a bit before I have to eat. Not panicking if I miss a meal or get off-schedule. Not blaming myself for things outside of my control. And remembering that even if I don’t have spinach every day I will still be okay.

It was so nice to have my dress fitting and get a glimpse again of how stunning my wedding dress is. I lucked out. What’s more, I made sure to put on some make-up and feel pretty when I went to the seamstress’s so I’d be happy with what I saw in the mirror. And with the shoes, my hair, eye make-up, and the dress actually pinned in to the sides and laced up in the back... I was able to see a woman in the mirror that was really, truly, and attainably beautiful. 

Now, I’ve tried on a lot of fancy dresses in my day. I competed in ballroom with flowing tango gowns, I’ve been a bridesmaid in a few weddings now where I dressed up in fitted gowns, and I’ve worn dresses for events and concerts since I was little. But it’s always been so much... WORK to look anything other than... blobby. Panty hose, spanks, slimming camis to make up for the lines you get from panty hose and spanks, the ONE bra you have that makes your tits look barely acceptable, shoes that make your toes/ankles/calves/butt look right, shoes to change into when your feet can’t take the shoes that look the best- it’s an endless flurry of accessories and make-up and back and forth trips to the closet to make me feel like I’m halfway presentable for anything remotely fancy most of the time. But... this dress.

More clothes should be like wedding dresses- with the structured top almost all of my little imperfections and un-evenesses were erased. The skirt draped in just the right way, and the shoes were the perfect height to make sure the front of the dress barely skirted the floor as I moved, and with the bustle the back of the skirt will flair out around evenly and I won’t be tripping at all. My waist was a waist. My hips and bust were smooth and even without disappearing. My legs were comfortable inside the skirt and not awkwardly poking out anywhere. Though it was strapless, the inside corset felt secure and actually fitted TO me, so even without it being taken in it still didn’t fall to the point of my every feeling uncomfortable.

It was a lot of stress off my plate. I don’t think I had realized just how terrified I was of looking fat in pictures, or not wanting to immortalize how I looked at my wedding in case I wasn’t where I wanted to be. But even with my arms not quite at Michelle Obama level, and my waist 4 inches bigger than I want, and my spanks not on... I still looked beautiful. And I looked happy. And I looked like I was presenting my ideal self with confidence, grace, and excitement. 

I looked... well, I looked like a bride, I guess. Huh. I hadn’t really pieced that together yet. I wanted to show everyone, but I also wanted to keep that private moment to myself... I didn’t take any pictures- because I want to wait until the dress is actually taken in and there aren’t any pins and everything just slips on and no little threads poke out or appliqués peel off at the ends, I want the finished dress in the pictures. And I want to wait until the wedding for that, and the moment getting ready with my friends and family when they see me for the first time without any spoilers.

Cause to be honest, I wasn’t expecting to look that good. 

So now, it’s easy. My job’s already done. Sure- I want to lose weight and I still have an ultimate goal, but it’s not a rush anymore. I already look good in the dress. She’s already gotta take it in 2 inches. So now it’s all for me: just to be the best version of me while I step into this new chapter. And that’s a big ol’ sigh of relief! Maggie Sottero, you have found your calling. Thank you for making a dress that has made this process easy and exciting for me- and helping a size 14 woman look better than she ever has.

Haha, remember last week when I said I had a few spoonfuls of rice?

Well, y’all, I had done alright. But when you give up on one little thing early in the day, it can turn into a whole calorie avalanche by the end of the day- and to top it all off, the scale had said a number three numbers bigger than the one I had wanted it to in the morning and after a week of weird and stress I was DONE. 

DONE I tell you. Done!! Done with the scale, with the hunger, with the work, ALLOFIT. So I looked at the love of my life for what felt like the first time that week and said, “ALRIGHT. I need birthday cake ice cream. Inside me. STAT.”

He didn’t take much convincing. Unfortunately, it appears that my favorite ice cream brand has DISCONTINUED BIRTHDAY CAKE ICE CREAM, which was the saddest conclusion ever to an already tough week. Am I hyperbolizing? You bet your butterball I’m hyperbolizing, how middle class do you think I am?! But we were out of food, I was tired and cranky and gosh darn it that was the last straw. So we bought a 4-pack of carrot cake cupcakes (which is apparently the only non-vegan kind of cupcakes they sell at our super crunchy co-op down the street) and gelato and a chocolate bar. Then I was good again on Saturday and then on Sunday we had our official cheat day, and then Monday I was like FUGGIT and cheated again, having ice cream for lunch because I COULDN’T HAVE THE ICE CREAM I WANTED, DAMMIT, AND ANDY MADE THE MOST DELICIOUS BREAD ON SUNDAY AND IT WAS STILL THERE ON MONDAY. 

So. After a few days now of cabbage, spinach, and eggs I’m feeling a little back to normal. I’ve paid the early month bills, I have a grip on what my schedule will actually be this month, and I’m not terrified I’m going to lose my job or not be able to afford taxes anymore. I’ve worked out every day this week (including Monday!), even managing to workout in the morning before my first meal of the day, and though I’ve probably gotten back down to a reasonable pre-cheat weight I’ve decided I’m not looking at the scale for a few days. I didn’t this morning, I won’t tomorrow, and I’m going to make sure I only do it on days when I’ve gotten enough sleep and don’t already feel bloated and gross.

Because it’s a lot of extra stress to put on myself- and after seeing more friends this week and talking to people and calming down, I’m finally taking the advice of those who love me. The high-weight bust is NOT WORTH the low-weight boom I may or may not feel every morning when I weigh myself. The diet plans are right- once a week is plenty (Tim Ferriss be damned!). I’m still fitting in my clothes better! I’m still feeling less pain than usual! I’m still moving better than I have in months! THESE should be the things I care about. Is my goal still 160 lbs? Yes. But I also don’t have a set deadline. I fit in my wedding dress already, I don’t need to lose weight by wedding day- I just want to be healthier. And hey, if I get to 160 by the end of the YEAR, I’ll consider that a win. It’s the first time I’ve lost weight since starting birth control so many years ago. Good for me, darn it.

I know I’ve mentioned it already on this blog, but I’ve got this awesome planner. It’s literally called “The Badass Planner” and it’s structured with all the days the same size so people can actually plan things for weekends, it’s got fun sections that remind me to make sure I’m not killing myself, inspirational quotes for the day and a section at the end and beginning of each month that is meant to help you reflect and plan your goals. While a week might not always be enough time to finish a whole project, months are really great chunks of feasible productivity. You can initiate something and start seeing progress in a month. You can actually lose a few pounds in a month. You can set budgets and projects for a month that make sense. A month is enough time to reset or try again, and actually see results. 

So for me, this planner is great. While I pack it so much that I can’t even read all my notes by the end of the week, the month section is just big enough for me to focus myself and see the progress I’m making. It’s also cool to see how my months end up having different themes depending on what projects I’m undertaking. For example, this month the theme has been voiceover: I was on the radio twice in the past two weeks, I have begun plans to start a podcast with a client of mine, I’ll be starting a new audiobook next week, and I’m putting together a voiceover demo for a potential narration gig. These were all surprises, popping up last minute, but a great thematic gathering of opportunities for me. I’ve been wanting to dive into more on-mic work for a while now, and I’m really pumped to see where these projects take me. Sort of returning to my roots, in a way. 

Seeing this month fill up with live sound gigs, audiobooks, voiceover work, and being able to cross things off my typical weekly to-do lists has been very therapeutic to me. Especially with all the weight stress going on, the overall scheduling of myself and time management that’s allowed me to actually start working out 5 times a week in addition to doing the rest of my stuff has been exciting.

I’m also wasting my time a little less. Though busy for the sake of busy isn’t a good thing, productivity is. I didn’t have nearly as many meetings this week as I did last week, but I did get to catch up on emails and office work a bit. I gave myself time for me and my business, and also didn’t feel guilty about resting as much because I did so much with the time I dedicated to work. I’m being more accountable to myself and my clients, while also acknowledging that I need time for me. There are things other than work that are important.

Like friendships. Health. Relationships, and checking in on them every once and a while. I talked to my sister today. I’ve had a bunch of really important conversations with Andy this week. And I got to see and text some friends and mentors for the first time in months and catch up with them. I need that. It’s worth it. 

I’ve been too much in my head lately- not surprising, since I spend so much time at home (working or otherwise). It’s part cabin fever, part mental-imprisonment. Too much to do, too many things that are seemingly impossible, and just too many goals. How does anyone plan a wedding? How does anybody buy a house? How does anyone make ends meet anymore?

So, this post might be a little late. After all, Ithaca recently just got pounded with a snowclone last night, and supposedly the sucker is sticking around. Luckily for us, Andy and I live at the elevational low-point of the town, which is a few degrees warmer than most of the area. Those two to four degrees make a difference when it’s between 33 and 29, so we’ve been relatively unhindered. Meanwhile, East Hill (i.e. Cornell) is closed today.

This snowstorm (rainstorm?) took us off-guard this week, since we’ve been in something of a heatwave the past few days. Temperatures got up to 60 last week, and we can only guess how the vineyard managers in the Finger Lakes are feeling about their budding vines this winter. Hopefully they, like Andy and I, are situated in an elevational sweet-spot to prevent freezing their vines and the 2018 vintages won’t be too affected. 

It’s been a weird week for a lot of reasons. Does anyone else get the feeling that there’s even more of a disconnect between people lately? I had several interactions this week that just caught me off guard, and have been plaguing my psyche since Monday, making me feel like something’s just... off. Like we’re all talking at each other instead of TO each other. 

For example, as I was pulling out of my apartment’s driveway on Monday morning (already a pretty unique circumstance, since I typically work nights and weekends), a bike whizzed into my field of vision on the sidewalk just beyond the edge of the next door building. I slammed on the breaks and the biker stopped, too- but afterwards there was a solid minute of each of us trying to convince the other one to go.

This inherently is not that weird, I guess- but here’s the thing that stuck with me. The driveway in question is also a mini parking lot and alley, between two public buildings and a convenience store, and the sidewalk becomes the entrance into the road. So, it’s a piece of infrastructure designed for cars and delivery trucks. To move. Pull in and out, make deliveries, etc. A sidewalk is made for pedestrians. To walk. And this is clearly a location in which, if you’re walking, you take extra care to look around and watch for cars- because the buildings against the alley are right up next to the road and it’s impossible to see around the corner as a driver until you’re already on the sidewalk and ready to turn onto the road. 

But this frickin’ guy. Comes whizzin’ on by on that bike of his, and gets upset at me- shouting at me (while my window is up, and even while I’m eventually pulling out of the intersection), that all cars are supposed to stop before the sidewalk starts (you know, where you can’t see anything from because of the buildings on either side of you) and LOOK before just speeding out onto the road. After rolling down my window, backing up and asking him to go in front of me, he parked himself on his high horse and stared at me saying, “Oh no, oh no, YOU go, I’M not in any hurry!” clearly implying that I was and was being ignorant and irresponsible.

I was shaken by the near collision, and I’m sure he was too- so I tried to be polite and let him go, even talk to him like a person and apologize from my car after rolling down the window. But no. He wouldn’t move, and lectured me until I finally did, and then even after leaving the alley I could hear him shouting after me about not knowing how to drive. Despite the fact that SIDEWALKS ARE LEGALLY NOT FOR BIKES and he DIDN’T have the right-of-way, and that by riding his bike on the sidewalk across busy intersections he puts himself in danger and isn’t obeying traffic laws in place to protect him. 

Now, an almost-accident can freak anybody out. But it wasn’t the accident that clung to me and ruined my day- it was the clear lack of any sense of apology or blame that the other party had. The fact that he didn’t learn anything from the experience, and will probably go on putting others (and himself) in danger by not obeying the traffic laws. And had the audacity to yell at ME for it. Try to make ME feel bad for his faults. 

There were a few other instances early this week that had that same kinda feeling to them: where I was speaking to a person that just had no sense of social intelligence or responsibility for their own obliviousness, and it’s just made me... angry? Frustrated? Hopeless? I don’t know how these people survive- except for the fact that the ones that are sensible enough to want them gone are also those that are sensible enough to understand that eliminating them would be morally wrong.

I’m reminded of this every time I watch the news, too. Especially in the gun control debate, it seems that the only people that want guns are those that want to use them, sell them, or profit from them. And they’re not sensible enough to NOT want them. They don’t have empathy, don’t have social responsibility, and probably bike out in front of alleys on sidewalks.

I feel like I’ve been sheltered from interactions with people like that the majority of my life, and I feel an inherent sense as “other” or “apart” from them. And that makes me less empathetic toward them, which, creepily, makes me MORE like them. 

And I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to be ignorant, I take pride in my ability to empathize, and I want to continue to understand others.

But I’m also sick of apologizing for obeying traffic laws because those that don’t yell at me. Does that make sense?

Sometimes I really hate being a manager of stuff.

Cause in the end, you’re the last line of defense. You’re the one that’s gotta come in to fix stuff, or the only one that knows how. You’ve gotta make the repair calls, receive the late calls; you’ve gotta place the orders; you’ve gotta correct the ones that are wrong, listen to their crap, and answer for their mistakes. You replace one piece of broken equipment, another gets stolen. The snake head gets repaired, a channel fries. Yeesh.

It’s nice to have control. It’s not nice to have to acknowledge you can’t control everything. This is a silly thing to complain about, but I am honestly kept awake some nights because my phone is charging in the other room and I am afraid to fall asleep because if someone at the bar needs me I won’t hear their call come through. This is my problem. I overstress and am a workaholic. And I could fix these things, and I’m working on it, but there are just some days when everything breaks and life sucks and I find myself yelling at my phone because an app takes a second longer than it should to respond to me pressing a button. Ugh. 

Anywho. For now, the bills are (mostly) paid, I’ve got a job and a roof over my head, I’ve been training an assistant that’s competent and allows me to catch up on sleep, and my biggest financial concern is that it’s hard to put away money for a wedding I get to have. So it could be TONS worse. But I feel that the day-to-day reality of business is the constant feel of 5 steps forward, 4 steps back. Sometimes even 5 or 6 steps back. Maybe over the course of a few months you get somewhere. But it’s never as far as you want it to be, as fast as you hoped it would be. 

On the plus side, I’ve started writing again. And I’ve got a business blog now, which I’m determined to keep updated (as well as this one), with at least a few posts every month. Last week I got 10 new unique visitors to my website because of it, too- and a few of them even checked out my rates page. So for all the steps back it feels like I’ve been taking lately, that’s one step forward. My loan applications are going well, and with help from the bank and a better approach to saving I shouldn’t have tax trouble next year or hopefully the years after that. Learned that lesson, and though it doesn’t feel like it yet that’s a step forward too.

I had a mini-break through in Capoeira yesterday: we practice this movement called “bananeira,” which is essentially a handstand, only a little bit different in the approach. You start out lower to the ground, bringing your arms down and bending at the knee (almost as if you’re starting from a lunge), and then using the straightening of your back leg you push your hips forward and over your shoulders. You don’t use momentum, you use strength and your body’s skeletal structure to support yourself. And I had been having trouble even getting my bottom leg off the ground for the past few months. But this week, something kinda clicked: and I was able to get my legs up and straight (even if not actually over my head) before coming back down in a more-or-less controlled fashion. Woohoo!

I made my breakthrough just in time to then get lazy later in class and tweak my back by twisting instead of rolling during the negativa role. Great. One step forward, two steps back... 

Diet update? Progress is being made. I actually got below 195 last week, and it’s the first time since starting the diet that I’m under 200 lbs after cheat day- which means the weight is legitimately coming off and staying off. It’s slow going, but last week was a big deal for me. I went a little overboard during one of the fasting days and had a bit of an energy lapse for the rest of the week because of it- although I could have also been fighting the flu bug going around. I feel better after a weekend of re-feeding and taking care not to go below 1200 calories a day (which I had done without realizing a few days in a row last week), and I’ll try to remember that it’s okay to eat. Just because the scale says I’m losing weight doesn’t mean I don’t need food anymore. But getting weak doesn’t mean I need to completely stop, either- it just means I need to moderate. 

I’ve been experimenting again with adding some foods back in- it seems as long as I still keep away from sugar and gluten I do pretty alright, which is good news for when I get to maintaining weight and would still like to eat other things. I’m still eating more vegetables and overall, still feel better. My first dress fitting is next week, and I’m hoping I can get re-inspired to keep at it for the next few months. I’ve still got a goal of 190 for the end of the month- and if I keep at it I should be able to get there- 4 pounds in 2 weeks is totally doable. Especially if I only do one cheat day between now and then, keep up on my exercises and stretches (which will also help my back), and don’t go too crazy on the fasting. 

Days like these are reasons why I actually like taking the time to do my own taxes once a year. Each day, the tiny victories and seemingly tumultuous defeats make it seem like we’re never getting closer to our goals. But forcing myself to go through piles of receipts, invoices, and bank statements help me remember the ridiculous amount of stuff I got done last year- and the heaps of improvements I’ve made, goals I reached, useful tools I bought, and projects I completed. It’s not nothing, these steps forward- and even if the world's break-neck pace makes it seem like we’re backpedaling sometimes, we’re still making progress. 

I’m taking a martial arts class and losing weight for the first time in years- and have been keeping it up! I’ve got regular clients that I love to work with and are helping me learn new skills. Though managing a venue is exhausting, it’s endlessly rewarding and way more fun than most other jobs, and the problems we’re facing now are nowhere near as daunting as the problems we were facing six months ago. I’m getting frickin’ married in 3 and a half months. 

Wooohoooo! “That’s right!” I said as I stepped onto the scale yesterday, registering my pre-holiday weight of 197, 9 pounds under my starting weight. It only took a month, but I lost those pesky holiday pounds, and am fitting better in my clothes to boot. This morning I actually got another pound down, 196: so the results are really starting to happen fast. Finally! 

Quick note for the ladies (guys can skip ahead 2 paragraphs): Periods mess with weight loss: they just do. Hormones suck, and everything from PMS to menstruation make you bloat and take on water weight and cry and cramp and all the bad stuff. When you’re trying to lose weight, don’t forget that everything you’re doing affects your hormones, too- and your body will be adjusting for a while. After stubbornly clinging to my binge day bump for 4-5 days after binge day week after week last year, I’m JUST NOW starting to see the 1-2 day bounce-back when binging is done responsibly. Aunt Flo also just left the building, and I’m less sore from my workouts, I’m sleeping better, AND I lost 3 pounds in a single day. 

Tim Ferris actually recommends that women don’t weigh themselves at all the week of their period- but I’m gonna take the road less traveled here. For me, even though it was confusing at first, it was crucial to see how my body reacts to food and stress differently around that time of the month. I’ve mentioned a little bit before about how I tend to store my stress in my fat: which I feel is one of the main reasons I also lost so much weight immediately after college (in addition to not being able to afford food). Seeing this compressed, scale-supported model of how my body stores stress was really useful for me. And that’s not even taking into account the really bad muscle pain I was having last week that has almost magically disappeared this week. Ladies, PLEASE don’t forget that your cycle affects EVERYTHING. It affects your flexibility, your endurance, your energy levels, appetite, weight, muscles, strength, and essentially everything you’re measuring when you’re on a weight loss plan. And the kicker? Every woman is different. No book or online magazine article is going to tell you what exactly to expect. So if you’re on a multi-month lifestyle change course, figure out how your body does menstruation. Measure and record what happens to you. If you’re really irregular like me (sorry for the TMI, y’all), this will help you understand or be able to anticipate what’s going on. And it will help you not to be so angry at the scale the week before you start. 

So non-menstruaters, if you’re back, what I just did there was try to comfort the ladies about their annoying monthly visitor- you know the one, that makes you get your girlfriends ice cream at 11pm or that starts arguments for no reason or causes your lady to just writhe with cramps a few nights a month. I’m gonna give you a pro-tip, here, cause this is something Andy and I have worked with now for a few years: if you see your girlfriend or gal pal super stressed out and complaining about bloating, trying to lose weight (ACTUALLY trying, mind you- not the “omg but I’m eating my power bar for a snack instead of potato chiiiiiips”) and struggling for a few days; if you’re close enough to her that you might have an actual idea of when her Aunt Flo comes to town, remind her that the female body goes through hormone fluctuations pretty much constantly, always, forever. If she’s really been doing well and seeing results and they all just seem to stop one week, encourage her to keep it up for another week or two to see if things even out. She’s doing really well. It’s hard. And those bloaty weeks are the hardest- because that’s when your body is literally screaming at you “GIVE ME CHOCOLATE YOU FAT WHORE OR I WILL TWIST YOUR OVARIES INTO A MACRAME NOOSE WHILE YOUR FRIENEMIES WATCH,” and that can be hard. Also remind her that if she has been feeling good on her diet, and improving in the ways she wants to, then her body’s chemistry will ultimately change to kinda balance these changes out a bit. 

Also, if you’re dieting WITH her, make cheat day ALL about her this week. Whatever her hormoney-heart desires, you get it? And put on some Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne. Or maybe some My Chemical Romance if she digs that kind of thing. 

Okay. Now that the relationship/puberty advice is over for the post (wait- not quite over: watch Big Mouth on Netflix. That’s your homework), let’s get to the weight-loss take-aways for the week.

First of all, Intermittent Fasting. I know I’ve been talking A LOT about it in the past few posts, but for real, y’all. A few friends of mine and I have been experimenting with IF for a while, and the results range from losing weight being able to eat anything, to drastically increasing the results of one’s keto/paleo/slow carb diet. Because I’m taking the lifestyle-change approach, I’m combining IF with the slow-carb diet. But the past few weeks I added back in a little cheese every now and then and I’ve still been losing weight faster than I have in months. My appetite has decreased, my water consumption has gone up, and I’m able to drink wine with dinner and not see the scale numbers stagnate as much, as long as I keep all my calorie consumption for the day within a 6-hour window. 

I can’t do morning workouts right now while fasting, because my body hasn’t quite gotten used to it yet. If I don’t drink enough water throughout the day, my body TELLS ME. Headaches, fuzziness, lack of focus- most of this can be fixed with more protein at lunch and an extra 16-48 ounces of water. Oh! And make sure you’re getting enough salt- I didn’t season my food as liberally yesterday, which might have affected my electrolytes. So things I’m going to try to incorporate into the routine are more water, maybe a Propel (diet gatorade) if I’m feeling fuzzy, workouts in the evening instead of morning, and more protein. 

Eventually, if I really need to drop weight fast (although I’m pretty happy with my current pace), I’ll keep up the 18/6 hour eating schedule on cheat day, too (so far I’ve been eating all day on cheat day). But for now I’ve been benefiting from keeping the cheat days decadent- even if only psychologically. It’s important for me to be able to have the whole day to eat the things I’ve been craving: hashbrowns with breakfast, a latte and scone for a mid-morning boost, fried rice for lunch, pizza for dinner, and ice cream for dessert. Some health advisors call these “refeeding” days, and they serve the purpose of keeping your body used to processing the foods you’ve been denying it, as well as giving you a chance to keep your metabolism engaged week after week, instead of slowing down over time. I’ll be completely honest here and say I’m not completely convinced that all of this is scientifically sound (I mean, I was convinced for a while if I didn’t eat every 4 hours my body would go into “starvation mode” and store more fat because half of the women’s fitness magazines said so in the 00′s- not true). But I will admit that having that fatty, carby, grease-shining light at the end of the dieting tunnel gives me something to look forward to every week, and helps me appreciate the way eating WELL every other day makes me feel. I usually feel bloated and crappy after eating crap all day. That’s kinda the point. It’s fun to eat sugar and carbs and pastries and all that every now and then when it’s special. But eating it every day? Well, it’s not good for you. You’ll feel poopy. Cheat day has been the most effective way of teaching me that- and it’s kept me ON DIET for almost 3 months now (minus the holidays)- which is something the Whole 30 couldn’t do. 

I’ve also learned not to like, lust after food. Do you know the feeling of walking past a package of muffins at the grocery store and physically drooling a bit, and feeling your stomach literally PULL YOU towards the muffins? Or when your coworker brings in donuts, being unable to focus on conversation in the break room because those donuts are just staring at you, baiting you, taunting you?

This would happen to me. It’s not good. It’s a sign of addiction, and we are a society that’s kinda addicted to sugar. FOOD PORN IS A THING, for Pete’s sake. I know it seems harmless and funny and food porn isn’t really porn, but when you’re someone that has a problem with donuts, a really appetizing picture of donuts has an effect on you. The power of suggestion is stronger on those that don’t take much convincing. And for a long time, I’ve been really attached to the idea of food as a reward, as pleasurable, as tempting. But now, I’m pinning less recipes, I’m spending less time in the grocery store, and I’m finding it far easier to walk past a bakery display without wanting/needing EVERYTHING. Most of the time, I’d rather just fix some veggie stirfry if I’m hungry. The spell has been lifted. 

This is actually the first week that I don’t have any “plans” for cheat day (tomorrow), other than Andy and I going out for dinner, and I’m excited to order whatever I want. I’d like some cornbread, and maybe a bagel and some cheese for breakfast. But... I’m not itching to eat everything in sight. Maybe it’s the post-period hormone deficiency. Or maybe I’m actually getting over some of my unhealthy relationship with food. Who knows? It’s Chili Fest, and I’m gonna taste some chili! 

Current weight: 196.2 (on track)

Waist Measurement- at navel: 35.75 inches (starting size: 37.5 inches)

End-of-month Goal: 190 lbs, 35-inch waist

It’s good to remind myself, what with tax season’s cumbersome yoke sinking slowly down upon my neck day after day, that I have a pretty great job. Sure, managing events and shows for a venue can be stressful and endless communication with strangers and business acquaintances has its complications, but all in all I have a lot of freedom in my job: between a flexible schedule, the ability to sleep in, and an endless stream of opportunities for self-labeled “productivity”, it’s a pretty unique way to pay the bills. And of course, let’s not forget that on a regular basis I get to do sound, mix albums, and record in studios (for money, even!), which is a dream that many pimply 18-year old boys have and never realize. So take THAT, sexism! 

Mondays are usually more relaxed for me, since weekends are rarely really a “weekend”- Saturday and Sunday can be some of my most stressful days (I do run shows, after all). So I can allow myself morning youtube, a few cups of tea, and even lounge in my peppy penguin pajama pants well into the afternoon. Peppy Penguin Pajama Pants being, naturally, one of the well-advertised perks of being an independent audio engineer and consultant.

Perky Peppy Penguin Pajama Pants. 

But, of course, I feel too guilty having a complete day off home alone in the house, so I’m sitting down to the computer finally and allowing myself one last procrastination attempt before finishing up my year-to-date profit/loss report to send off to the bank for review to refinance my business loan. Cause, you know, taxes. *Sigh*

I’ve just about run out of youtube videos that entertain me: Andy and I have our channels that we enjoy, and a recent re-introduction to Crash Course has been my preferred morning detour lately. But I just finished Crash Course Games, World History, US History, most of Literature, and Film Production... so maybe I should take a break for a while. Sometime this week I’d like to start a new anime or two, too, but not at the risk of wasting away my much-needed office catch-up time. It is the winter slump, after all, and this is my only real opportunity to upgrade all my software, switch to the new operating system on my work computer, and get my new office routine habit-ified before things start getting busy again in the spring. Oh, and wedding planning. Which is the most productive form of procrastination- other than laundry and dishes (which I also did this morning). 

Travel research has also taken it’s place in my morning routine since Andy and I finally decided (officially!) on our honeymoon: a south-east US roudtrip! Yaaaayyyyyyyyy! So we’ll take a week and a half to explore the Smoky Mountains and Mississippi River and moonshine distilleries before coming back to Ithaca to start our lives as a married couple. I assume that life as a married couple is pretty much the same as life as a regular couple, except with more debt. That seems to be the usual progression of adulthood. 

With all of these activities on the docket for today, I’m reminded of an article I read recently on different types of “tummy” (it’s relevant, I swear). I’ll remind you, of course, that I’ve been on a pretty serious weight-loss journey lately, and I’m trying to reach that ever-illusive under-190 benchmark this month. So this was one of the many pinterest graphics that came up during my iPad scrolling the other day, with images depicting the differences of “hormone tummy,” “stress tummy,” and of course, “pregnant tummy” as well as others (thanks, Pinterest. Cause that’s what I need to read about when I’m trying to lose weight. Also, way to fat shame pregnant women?!). 

I found it interesting, though, as it commented on why fat will accumulate on different parts of your body (or, in particular, different sections of your abdomen).  This was especially relevant to me, though, because my “problem areas” (ugh that term) are different from the ones I usually see in magazines- I mean, sure, I’ve got fat everywhere, but it’s my mid back and upper stomach- like the area above my belly button, that seems to be the most frustrating for me to get rid of. Turns out, this little belt of pudge is common in those that deal a lot with stress. 

Huh. This kinda matches up with some of the Ayurvedic ideas I’ve researched before about weight loss, and how our mental state affects how our bodies collect or lose weight. While every slap-dash internet quiz will tell you a different thing, so I’m not entirely sure WHAT Ayurvedic camp I fall into, I definitely gain weight when I’m stressed and tend to collect it in particular areas, but this “stress tummy” was particularly accurate. So I’ve realized that in addition to all the dieting, intermittent fasting, and exercise I’ve begun, part of my new year’s resolution and lifestyle adjustment should really focus on stress, and how I handle life. Cause even though I appear to be pretty solid, I’m easily pushed into wreckage. I freak out over little things, I worry about people’s opinions and perceptions of me WAY too much, and I have a never-ending to-do list that is only perpetuated by my love of procrastination. Even if I am comforted by my penguin pajama pants. My Perky Procrastination Peppy Penguin Pajama Pants. 

Andy and I also had a pretty productive conversation about my revised approach to the diet this weekend, and we spoke about how my super-must-be-by-the-book interpretations may have been causing my a bit more stress than necessary (especially in addition to his more lackadaisical approach to it all), and how reflecting and blogging about my journey helps me learn about myself a little more and take everything in stride instead of failure. We talked about money, too- and how his new job is good for us, how I’ve been living outside of my own means, and how we both need to enter this year with a more trim mindset.

Trim. My planner has little inspirational pages at the beginning of each month, as well as big-picture brainstorming pages that encourage you to plot out your monthly goals and tasks and really think about how you’ll change your routine or approach each challenge. I like these so much that I bought another one for 2018 after filling up the 2017 one last year. The 2018 January Inspiration blurb talks about New Year’s Resolutions and how they’re really easy to forget about and fail, so the... author? Editor? Whatever a planner-designer is called, encourages the... reader? Plannette? Whatever the planner-user is called, to instead pick a word.

One word to define a theme for your year ahead. A way to approach each facet of your life, from diet to job to love-life. She encourages words with multiple meanings and contexts, like “lean” or “book” or “invest”. The word I chose was “trim”. Trim down to size, trim the budget, trim my schedule, and “trim” can also refer to audio- whether I’m trimming clips or adjusting the volume trim of something, this word serves as a reminder to me that studio work is something I eventually want the bulk of my labor to be- and I need to focus on growing that area of my business this year, even if it means trimming other tasks from my schedule. I’m entering the phase of my life where saving and investing in the future is important: and in order to do that, I need to trim out some of the excess fat in my life. So that’s my word. And I’m hoping trimming out the fluff will give me more time and freedom to do the things that bring me joy and help me lead a less stressful lifestyle: writing, hiking, keeping up with the friends I value, and allowing the healthy offshoots of my life to flourish. It’s like I’m pruning my branches. Except “prune” is a weirder word to base my year off of, so I’m just gonna stick with trim ;)

That’s right, baby: part of this whole weight loss journey and the accompanying goals are weekly installments. And now seems as good a time as any to get back into blogging for me, what with the excitement and fervor of the new year still simmering in my heart. 

So let’s go over the recent changes I initiated in the 4HB, and how I’ve been seeing results.

1. Intermittent Fasting

Intermittent Fasting is the practice of taking long periods of time throughout the day/night NOT eating, and limiting your daily intake of calories to a shorter-than-average time period. This is normally expressed in hours, so an average American eating schedule of 8:00 breakfast through 6:00 dinner means that the average “eating” period of a day is 11 hours (8am-7pm), and the average “fasting” time (7pm-8am, mostly sleeping time) is 13, adding up to a full 24 hours. So 13/11 would be the average fast-to-eating time. Intermittent fasting plays with that ratio, increasing the amount of time your body is using its energy stores instead of replenishing them. While I was operating pretty comfortably in the 13/11 balance in November and December, I found myself getting a little nauseous after breakfast (which 4HB recommends eating within 30 minutes of waking up... a little too early for me). So I’ve adjusted to a 18/6 schedule (usually 12:30 brunch and 5:30 dinner). Some days, especially after binge day, I’ll try to shorten this eating period even more- down to one meal, switching it up to a 22/2 fast (usually just one day a week).

How’s it working? Overall, pretty good. In general, I think allowing yourself to feel hungry before you eat is a good thing. I start to feel hungry around 10 in the morning, so allowing my body to feel that hunger also forces it to use different sources of stored energy. And when I do this while sticking to diet, I do see a significant difference in my weight over the course of the week.

2. Reducing alcohol consumption

4HB technically allows dry wine. Which is awesome! But the weeks in which I had my two allowable glasses each night, I definitely saw the scale stagnate. Though Tim Ferriss may be able to get away with it, alcohol is calories. And considering I’d typically drink it AFTER dinner instead of WITH dinner, it also extended my “eating” period in my intermittent fasting schedule. And it really does make a difference in how much weight I lose. For example, this week I still haven’t lost the weight I gained back during binge day, despite gaining back less weight than usual. And I think I can attribute this mostly to two things: 1, not eating on-diet the day after binge day (I only had one meal, but it did have carbs and sugar) which slowed down the bounce-back; and 2, having a big ol’ glass of Gruner around 9pm on Tuesday- extending both my eating period for the day and having alcohol.

3. Engaging in muscular contractions during the binge.

One of the best parts of this diet is Binge Day (also called “Faturday”). Though it can seem to cause a “3 steps forward, 2 steps back” approach to the diet, when done correctly it allows you to have something to look forward to during the rest of the week and keeps your metabolism used to consuming the foods you haven’t been eating every other day. You can also bounce back more quickly if you do certain things during the bing. This week, I did the recommended exercises before every meal and really committed to the little tricks to prevent fat gain during the binge (citrus juice, PAGG, etc.). On a normal binge day, I think this would have helped a lot- I only gained 4 pounds after binge day this time around (sometimes I can gain as much as 6-8 lbs, mostly water weight though).

However, I think I would have gained much less if I hadn’t grossly overindulged on binge day (eating even when I wasn’t hungry and accidentally making myself sick), and if I hadn’t lost the willpower during next day’s fast to then also cheat during dinner, because Andy and I were too lazy and hungry to cook that night after being out all day. 

4. Cold showers.

Ah, the old 4HB favorite: cold showers. Now, I haven’t completely given up hot showers, especially since it’s winter and I kinda need my hot showers. However, I have stuck to the recommended 30 seconds-1 minute of cold water at the end of each shower spraying on my shoulders, neck, and upper back to encourage “brown fat cell” activation and production. I tried not doing this one week, and then doing it the next, and the difference? 2 lbs. Within a week. It works. 

Pro Tip: It works best if you shower every morning (so if you’re an every-other day showerer, consider using ice packs on your neck and shoulders on non-showering days). 

Now for the mistakes I made last week. Even though only 3 days after my first blog post I had gotten down to 198 lbs- technically reaching my goal early, I may have celebrated a bit prematurely. It’s February 1, and I am... 200.6 lbs. Grr. Not quite the under-200 goal I was hoping for. What do I attribute this to?

First of all, my binge day was bananas. I ate way too much, almost all sugar and wheat, and by the end of the day literally felt like a balloon about to pop. I got sick, and I hadn’t even enjoyed half of the food I ate, which I ordered simply because it was binge day and I felt I had the obligation to go overboard. This was probably because we had been low on groceries for the three days preceding it, and I was craving literally every food under the sun by Saturday. I don’t recommend this. Make sure you have enough diet-friendly food during the week so you’re not actually starving yourself.

Second, the day after binge day Andy and I went out of town for most of the day and didn’t eat until dinner. Not cooking for ourselves meant we went to a restaurant, and we were celebrating his new job, and badabing, badaboom: I convinced myself it was okay to eat off diet. Even though I ate less, I still felt kinda sick after- and now I’m not planning on doing that again. I also felt immediately guilty, cause I was halting my own progress. And I really shouldn’t do that.

Third, I didn’t exercise as much. We lost our wonderful dog Dante last week, and I had a big editing project due, so stress levels were high and I was in the house for most of the week. Though I did go to one of my normal gym classes and tried to do some calisthenics in the living room, I skipped my second Capoeira class of the week and didn’t do any cardio. Such is life, there are hard weeks.

So what’s my plan for this coming week? Well, I didn’t make my under-200 by Feb. 1 goal, which makes me kinda sad, so I’m going to make sure I follow more by-the-book this coming week. Binge Day is Saturday once again, and I will allow myself to eat the foods I want while also stopping when I feel full. I’m not making myself sick again. I’ll also do the binge-day workouts again, cause that felt good, and I believe it helped. I think I’m going to incorporate less soy sauce in my regular meals, because even though it’s “technically” allowed, it’s supposed to be limited, and I’ve been having it on everything (same with cottage cheese). I only had eggs for protein this week, which was okay but kinda boring, and my main veggies were cabbage and bell peppers. I also had the same 1 or 2 meals everyday, instead of my normal rotating 5 meals. I think I can do better.

Takeaways? Next week: less alcohol, soy sauce, and cottage cheese. More chicken or fish, spinach, nuts, and kale. Keep up exercising, don’t kill myself or make myself sick. Stick to 18/6 for eating schedule, and drink LOTS of water throughout the day. Keep up the cold-ended showers, and don’t make yourself sick during the binge.

Positives: My clothes ARE fitting better, and I’m feeling stronger than I was (my main measurement is how I feel after Capoeira class, how many squats and sit-ups I can do in one set, and how I feel during my daily physical therapy exercises). Last week at the 198 mark, I was looking pretty good too- so I’m really excited to keep going. 

Today’s weight: 201 lbs. (still 1 pound less than last week, so better than nothing)

Next week’s goal: 198 lbs. (stretch goal: 195)

End-of-month goal: 190 lbs. (stretch: 185- first time since 2015 I’d be under 190)

Forgive the title. But I’ve given up cheese 6 days a week, so I have to sneak some in when I can.

For those of you that know me, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’m getting married this year. In just over four months now... a fact that keeps surprising me as if it’s coming out of nowhere. 

I’m on schedule in terms of prep. We’ve got the vendors, the venue, the hotel, etc. Andy and I have got the wheels turning on honeymoon plans and money-saving, invitations are ordered, budgets have been discussed and are mostly planned for. And late in 2017, we began what, for me, was the hardest part of the plan: weight loss.

I’ve posted a lot before on this blog about my struggles with weight, and how the summer I met Andy I was at my lightest adult weight EVER: 167 lbs. I was a size 10/12, and finally able to shop in stores I’d never been able to throughout middle and high school, I felt physically fit and was mostly able to keep up with the demands of my job (even if the heavy lifting was difficult). But with the new relationship, a harsh winter, getting pneumonia and the accompanying muscle mass I lost, and focusing less on physical activity on the whole, I’ve gained about 40 pounds over the past 3 years. 

I want to be clear in saying that the positive effects of me losing weight in 2014 mostly remained:

1. I still feel beautiful inside my own skin. My desire to lose weight now comes from me wanting to feel healthy, have a body that’s able to do the work I want to do for years to come, to move freely, the ability to be a healthy mother to my future children, and wanting to feel confident in the clothes I want to wear. I don’t think I’m “fat”- I think I’m heavier than I’m meant to be. I felt AMAZING at 167 pounds- and I want to feel amazing for the majority of my adult life.

2. I’m confident. I don’t equate my size or my weight with my self worth. I know I can be loved for who I am, not how I look. (Thanks, Andy :* )

3. I understand that if I feel confident, like how I look, and am able to do the things I want to do, the number on the scale doesn’t matter. 

These three things are true now, were true then, and shall remain true throughout my quest to “lose weight” and become healthier. So to those out there that think I might be fat-shaming- no. No I’m not. There’s nothing wrong with being a size 16 or 22 if you’re a HEALTHY size 16 or 22. But it’s time we be honest with ourselves about what healthy really is. My healthiest self is not a size 16- my heaviest self is. And I don’t feel at my best when I’m my heaviest self. That being said, I don’t think my healthiest self would be a size 4, either. I’ll never be what society considers “small”. But I can be “athletic”, “powerful”, “sexy”, “curvy”, or even “hot”. I’m even some of those things now ;)

I posted a while ago about starting the Four Hour Body, or 4HB, a diet/exercise plan laid out by Tim Ferriss in his book of the same title. Before the holidays, I had lost about 11 pounds on the diet, along with incorporating a bit of exercising in the form of martial arts, treadmill, and cardio-lifting about 3-5 times per week (I should note that I added the exercise in the last 3 weeks). Then the holidays happened, I took a two-week break, and I gained back ALL of the weight.

Now, as of January 19th, I’ve been back on the 4HB for two weeks now, exercising for one, and I’m still just over 200 lbs.- 4 pounds down. Yeesh. The grind has begun again. I’m also researching ways to enhance the diet and am going to re-read the book more thoroughly to make sure I don’t forget to do the little things that make differences: like cold showers, binge day muscle contractions and grapefruit juice, drinking tons of water, limiting meal variety, kettlebell swings (although those still make me nervous), and favoring low-fat proteins over my preferred higher-fat proteins, like beef and pork. I’m adding in intermittent fasting, because I noticed I felt better and achieved quicker results with two larger, well-balanced meals each day than three square meals. 

I’m going to SAVOR my cheat days, because they’re the best, and make sure I don’t feel like I’m losing out by being strict to the plan the other 6 days each week.

And most of all, I’m going to make sure I work with and listen to the people in my support system to 1. keep to my goal of losing 10 lbs. per month, and 2. don’t feel extremely defeated or like I’ve lost all progress on the days or weeks those numbers seem impossible. Because those mood swings of extreme triumph and crushing defeat are devastating to my state of mind when I’m dieting like this. Even if I look better in the mirror, my scale can ruin my day (or, at least my morning). But since I took the 6 weeks in 2017 to start something and realize it feels good to feel good, and that the slow-carb, 4-hour-body approach to diet is something that actually, miraculously, does seem to WORK for me (one of about 8 different diet approaches I’ve tried in the past 3 years that actually has), I feel that the first half of 2018 is the perfect opportunity for me to really follow through with my body’s transformation. 

I fit in my wedding dress now. I’m not worried about that, and that’s not my wedding weight loss goal like it is for so many brides. 

I want to know that I’m starting this chapter of my life with healthy habits and the confidence to do something for me. Though it TOTALLY helps that Andy (mostly) does the diet with me, between the two of us I’ve made the decision to seriously stick to the plan- from the fridge to the gym. And already, I’m liking vegetables more, enjoying healthier food and craving sustainable foods on cheat day (like fruit, yogurt, cheese, and home-made or grown carbs instead of processed foods). I’m excited to pass on these habits to my future kids and feel less controlled by food in general. I’m excited to wear clothes I want to wear. I’m loving Capoeira and can’t wait to be able to do a cartwheel or a headstand and trust my body’s own strength. And in 5 months when I’m seeing pictures from our wedding, I’m excited to see a healthy, glowing me- instead of someone who’s let herself be something less than she wants to be. I’d like to look like I did in the first pictures I ever took with Andy. And I’m hoping that I can blog regularly to keep myself honest with those goals and actually achieve them (or at least, establish the habits that will leave me in a better position to do so).

Date: January 19, 2018

Weight: 202 lbs. (according to WeightGurus- 9% to my goal)

Waist (at belly button): 37 inches

Short-term goal: By the Feb 1, I’ll be under 200 lbs. (Stretch Goal: 196)

Today I feel so crazy blessed.

It wasn’t the greatest start to the day. Yesterday I was sick and unmotivated, and Andy and I had a bit of a fight, and we went to a concert which cheered me up because it was Jukebox the Ghost and I hadn’t seen those guys in years and it was fun to see a show where I knew all the words and stuff. But afterwards, I went up to the band to say hi, and it was really awkward. 

It didn’t used to be awkward. I mean, back in the day, I was star-struck in love with the lead singer and my whole world revolved around the day when I’d get to be their touring sound engineer. 

That’s not really my deal anymore. 

But this morning, I woke up from a deep, NyQuil-induced sleep with clear sinuses and a snuggly boyfriend, and a brighter outlook on things. I felt like I could be productive, and after a morning walk for coffee and pastries, Andy and I had had a chance to talk and process the things that had upset us yesterday, and I was ready to dive into an album that I’ve been working on too slowly for the past few weeks. 

There are 13 songs on the album, and I’ve mixed all but 3 now- and the remaining ones shouldn’t be too hard. I just finished mixing my favorite song (cause there’s always a favorite every project), which is always the most stressful, and now that that’s over the main hurdle is behind me. We finished tracking three weeks ago, after a 3-month-long recording process. 

It was a beautiful experience. For the first time, I got to really be involved in the artistry of an album. Austin MacRae is a remarkable singer-songwriter. I’ve mixed him live several times over the past year, and when he approached me about recording his album I was positively giddy over the chance to work on it. The songs on this record are songs that have transfixed me since the first time I saw him play- and the fact that I get to be involved in immortalizing them... 

Well, it’s pretty cool. The kinda thing I geek out over. 

But mixing is the hard part of the process for me, because it’s so... lonely. It’s just me in the studio, figuring out the final call on takes, playing with the difference between -6.6 and -5.8 dB and 1.48067 and 1.67053 seconds of reverb decay. I do this for each and every track, and then mess with them in relation to each other, and it’s a whole thing. There’s really no wrong answer, either- it’s incredibly subjective which makes it incredibly stressful. Sometimes I take a break to balance my checkbook. It’s that kind of job.

Tracking is a blast. When you’re tracking, you get to witness the action- see the musicians defining the song, and be part of the process and maybe even inspire something they couldn’t produce on their own. There’s a magic to it, that’s rarely ever part of the mixing stage.

But today I woke up with one of Austin’s songs in my head, and I started my day by mixing that one. And if I do say so myself, it’s the best mix I’ve ever done. Andy helped me at one point- when I got stuck. He’s good at that. He’s got a way of listening to and describing music that’s incredibly useful when I’ve been living in a mix for too long. He helps me think bigger than I’m used to, which gets me out of my usual comfort zone and into another strata. I reached a new level of engineer today, and a lot of that is thanks to Andy. 

I’ve gotten a lot better at knowing what to do to make a mix sound bigger, more epic, more special- and Austin’s songs deserve that. The musicians that laid tracks for the record deserve it. 

And listening to the songs I’ve mixed again helps me realize I really could make a living at this if I wanted to. I do offer something special and worthwhile, and affordable for those that value it. It feels good to do what I do, and make something better than it would be without me. And I’m starting to get more requests for mixing and recording- and I’m beginning to think that’s actually because my skills have improved, and not just because I’ve been around longer. 

It’s been a good day. It’s gonna be a great week. I’m a sound engineer. With a studio. And work.