update: tw// rape; sexual abuse; physical, emotional, psychological, verbal abuse; gaslighting; fat shaming; slut shaming
upD8 from previous post. im over that manchild, along the line of reflection a memory my brain repressed came up of him raping me, didnt think itd affect me so much but one day several months ago i watched perfect blue which has two borderline rape scenes and could barely make it through the movie, i was tense, trembling, felt fear and eventually near the end of the movie, i had the worst panic attack i ever had. it was a literal ptsd flashback of the time he raped me, and thats when i knew how serious what he did to me was. that was the worst thing, he also gaslighted me and used my mental illnesses and experiences in mental health hospitals against me to discredit and invalidate things i said that negatively affected his ego; he would lie and manipulate me emotionally and psychologically; would cause me emotional or psychological distress for amusement; sexually abuse me by using my fear of going home alone late at night to get sexual favors, among other ways of taking advantage of me; call me fat, a cow, a whale and make me feel like a ugly and overweight despite always being at a healthy bmi; would sometimes put his hands around my neck to sort of “put me in my place” whenever i teased him about an insecurity of his, twice in public, one being in front of his uncle; would beg him to not call me fat, sometimes until i cried which is then when he would comfort me and say hes “just kidding”; idk i wrote a whole essay citing sources and all on why hes a sociopath, that he was gaslighting me, being emotionally and psychologically abusive (i couldnt handle writing about the sexual abuse at the time because that was the most traumatizing) and sent it to him as to why im blocking him. i also made sure his family knows that he cheated on me lol. also he couldnt tell me himself that he did it, one of his best friends had to, and he only told him specifically about it bc he had cheated before too. he didnt tell his other best friend, i had to.
anyway i threw away pretty much everything that isnt cool enough to have kept that he gave me and im over him now. my bff removed him from psn that day i talked to him on the phone last on my bday too, we only used it to gather information. i keep receipts and i get receipts is all ill say. he said i was like “going after him” which was only partially true, i wanted to get both justice AND closure for myself. either way, dont want to be known as a piece of shit, dont do things that pieces of shit do *lady waving hand emoji*. i didnt want to destroy his life, i just wanted his actions to have consequences, bc at that point he didnt care about me anymore, only himself and his ego, so losing me wouldnt hurt him. he said “i cant imagine you completely gone” but then he proceeds to ignore an important conversation we planned for video games... what a bum!!!
well what last i know of him, he got a job at some best buy, and i found him on tinder 3 times, once the profile he used to cheat on me, another some stupid shit tryna be quirky and soft, and another basically the same. he still has my number for some reason as far as i know, he accidentally called me (if it was an accident) sept 1st and it left a 4-5 minute voicemail of him talking to his new gf (god help her). i didnt get notified of the call or voicemail bc hes blocked, but for some reason it lets blocked numbers leave voicemails, just under a “blocked” category. from the little the wasnt intelligable and from his tinder bios, i could tell he hasnt changed one bit and still acts like a irresponsible manchild. no personal growth.
anyway enough about him, now about me!!!
well i had to go on ahem over the counter anxiety “medication” to manage my anxiety and depression issues. might be developing bipolar disorder. once had hallucinations and constantly have dpdr as a result of my anxiety issues. despite my mental health and having manic and depressive episodes, im doing loads better than i ever have been. for some reason the destruction and abuse i endured didnt destroy myself esteem afterwards, it actually raised it. it sort of felt like i was let out of a cage where i was a slave and expected to behave a certain way, and now im free and can dress how i want, act like i want, think like i want, do what i want, all for myself. i learned to love myself, and am still learning more and more.
i went into an open relationship with someone in may bc i wasnt ready for another serious, monogamous relationship and the guy was extremely kind, compassionate, intelligent, open-minded. i also liked him bc he was kinky and i wanted to experiment with my sexuality more, especially with being dominant and sadistic bc i always wanted to be, but my ex wouldnt let me besides choke him or handcuff him every once in a blue, blue moon. i ended the relationship last month bc i found someone i wanted to focus on solely (more on that in a bit.) besides him, i had a couple dates and hooked up with a cute dude whos 8-9/10 in my eyes. but ended it bc he was extremely impunctual, cannot manage his time or sleep, stood me up once (forgave bc im a very patient person,) texts extremely dryly and rarely throughout the day (despite always checking his phone when we were out *eyes looking up emoji*,) and just has a very. dry personality. the sex wasnt great, but i liked cuddling and making out with him and dominating him. once i ended the thing, i deleted him off snap and his number, and a while went by and he texted me apologizing and trying to explain himself. meh. i forgave him, but im still not gonna do anything with him unless i just am bored and wanna hang out with a cutie, which hasnt been a mood towards him yet. ig were friends/acquaintances, i have no ill feelings towards him, though he is a minor nuisance at times bc hell text me when hes thirsty and its really obvious.
now for the boy i ended open relationships for, well it started well, i helped him discover a lot of his fetishes and kinks, hes a very sweet, feminine, and bubbly boy. i am primarily dominant now and love to be called mommy, and it worked with him bc he loves to be submissive. hes not the best looking but he has a nice personality. he bought me a bbc dildo and it ended up costing about $100 bc he wanted to next-day ship it to me. although a few things have happened, both in his life and mine... well, he got sick and also someone in his family apparently died. hes barely been responding, days at a time even, which i understand. although, my bff says thats a common cop-out and he may be lying to try to break off the relationship without hurting me. either way, i feel like the honeymoon phase is over and the sparkle of the relationship has gone away, and the lack of communication kinda accelerated it, which i feel bad about if its true that a member of his family died. its also a LDR, which didnt help. i did warn him about my tendecies with honeymoon phases and how LDRs usually fail with me. im going to tell him one of these days soon, before thursday, that i want to break it off. i feel bad but, for something like this to happen in the early stages of developing a relationship, it really harms it, primarily bc its long distance. he should focus on getting better, not maintaining a relationship, and i also dont want to be chained down to a non-stimulating, non-communicative LDR cuz. im just kinda sitting. i want to help, but he needs time and space by himself, and i can only help so much over the internet, especially with him not communicating. another reason is, i finally found my passion and spark for art after losing it in my junior year of high school, and i want to focus on getting better and starting to develop a career in it.
im young, im 20, and i want to hone my skills so by the time im 25, i can at least have art as a part-time job. its a talent i have, i have so much potential, i was always all my art teachers faves... well i only had 3, two loved me, with one i wasnt always the best in her classes but she saw so much potential and recognized my love and passion for art and knew i had potential to be both great and different. one of them ruined my art spark for years bc she killed creative freedom and combined with mental illness, it died for a long time. but i want to make those two good teachers proud. my good hs teacher cried when i graduated bc she experienced both of my hospitalizations and doesnt want my potential to never go to fruition. so... all that said, now that i found my spark for it, i really want to grasp it and hold on and focus my free time on it instead of trying to find happiness through others or just doing nothing but wallowing in my mental afflictions. so.
im not going to date anymore for a long while bc i realized how i form romantic relationships are a means of me trying to find the happiness and love i never had growing up. but thats always going to end badly or harm me because people change, time passes, things happen. im not going to find love with someone else at my age, no matter what. so i want to focus my youth on something thatll be useful for me in the future. ill only date if i find someone that highly matches my standards. i also have to work on not letting myself get carried away by honeymoon phases and infatuation.
ill still like hookup with people now and then probably though, i have sexual wants and other physical affection wants. but i wont settle for an official, serious, monogamous relationship unless, through time, at least a year or two, someone proves themselves worthy. lol that means im a hoe now ig but thats okay, bc as long as im enjoying myself, not harming others intentionally (outside of bdsm) and am making progress on myself, no matter now slow, thats all that matters. i wont let the sexual stigma against womens sexuality stop me from enjoying myself. men do this shit all the time and dont get shit for it, and they generally do it in a very harmful and abusive way. ive always put others before myself that i never learned how to love and take care of myself, but i realized that and i want to now. but ill always try to be kind and courteous, let people know im not looking for serious stuff and just want fun every now and then.
if they want to be involved with me, dont catch feelings. this is like hoe rules but like, i probably will rarely be having sex or anything bc 1) anxiety 2) trust issues 3) i can pleasure myself better than any man ever could im 99% positive 4) men are generally dumb idiots, big babies, misogynistic, vanilla, dominant, immature, have huge egos, feel entitled, etc etc etc 5) i rarely feel horny unless provoked enough or im around my period.
if i lose peoples respect bc of this well, theyre not people that are respectable anyway. if i need to earn someones respect i wont bother, bc i believe you should respect someone first and foremost and THEN if they do dumb shit they slowly lose it. bc everyone deserves basic respect as people and human beings and the concept that people have to earn it is really. ugly. earn more respect, sure, but the baseline shouldnt be no respect. bc thats already assuming the worst of someone, which is a really ugly mindset to have.
like this one dude i talked to, we were talking and thinking about forming a relationship but i forgot to tell him abt my open relationship but open to monogamy shit and forgot to put it in my tinder bio, and i planned to tell face-to-face, yknow, out of respect. but he somehow found one of my other dating site profiles where i did remember to put it on and blocked me without telling me or asking me. i contacted him on my priv which he didnt block bc he didnt know, respectfully and politely asking if i could get a chance to explain, which i did, to which he responded with nasty, rude, mean, judgmental comments. like um. just say “sorry i dont want to be a part of that” and thats it!!! and then after, i still politely said basically, “okayyyy no need to be rude, you seem pretty judgmental so i dont want to interact with you anymore so lets just part ways” i blocked him bc idc what he had to say further and he was petty liking my personal posts which was dumb and annoying. but then he proceeded to text me calling me a thot, a bitch, dumb for calling him judgmental blah blah cussing me out, telling me to go fuck myself even though i basically already fucked off, he sought me out again??? that was amusing so that day i set out so much bait on my priv acct bc i knew hed be stalking it. low-hanging bait (manlet, acting like a big googoo gaga baby, bunch of other shit) higher-hanging bait (acting holier than thou which i knew was an attitude he hated bc he went on a tangent once about hating jaden smith for that, bunch of other shit) and he actually took the bait, and guess which one!!! the low-hanging fruit that bruises his ego rather than the bait reflecting on my feigned handling of situations. it was a great self-own, “i may be a manlet but at least im not a furry.” BAHAHHAHAHHAAAAAA assuming im insecure about being a furry. like jee-ZUZ!!! whenever hed text me id just leave him on read immediately bc i did not give a fuck plus i wanted to screenshot and make fun of him with my bff. he eventually stopped then weeks later texted me again asking “yo can you unblock me so i can unlike ur posts bc its clogging up my feed.” no cussing, no apologies, just as if we were on good or neutral terms. i didnt even give him the read receipt that time, bitch you wanted to be petty deal with it!!!!! it was such an amusing experience. i was shook too bc im not used to ppl being mean to me bc im always nice and respectful so ppl and nice are respectful back. but jesus christ im glad that happened bc he ended up being a fucking clown.
anyway what was i talking about? oh yeah blah blah sexual freedom blah blah im gonna focus on myself and my art for the sake of my future and my happiness. in summary for this update, i learned a lot of things since the last entry and am SO much different, more confident about myself, higher self-esteem, more knowledge, more interpersonal and sexual experience. im a dom now, my personality is more developed, i feel more free than ever. i still have a shit job and bad mental health but this is only a starting point basically. im gonna apply to other jobs that dont literally make me want to hurt or kill myself so i can work more so i can pay for affordable therapy and personal expenses. then, once im in a better place, have more money, more social and interpersonal experience, maybe ill find someone to go into a relationship with if they match my standards. currently its bubbly; kind-hearted; goofy; romantic; not sex driven yet submissive enough, VERY very masochistic, and kinky (but no scat, diapers, cuckholding, feeding, inflation, sissy, or dressing like a baby/child); open-minded; secure in masculinity so i can practice makeup on him and he can dress in frilly shit and aprons for fun; similar hobbies, aesthetics, music, and interests; creative; a matching sense of humor; left-leaning; internet resident; patience; always has a sense of humor but knows when its appropriate, and when not, can be serious; intelligent but dumb... like knows shit but is humble; compassionate understanding of mental illness; a good talker/speaker; more extroverted; empathetic and emotionally intelligent; punctual; organized; and a similar outlook on life. physically hmmm pale skin; long hair thats not too thin; not obese; not a stick; noticeably taller than me; thick eyebrows; straightish nose; some noticeable muscle; nice ass (doesnt have to be amazing, just. has one lol); masculine. and a face i like.
well see if it changes in the next update in... whenever lol i only logged in to try to re-code my N shrine and decided why not post an update.
recently i made a new friend (hes an old coworker) and went to see alice glass with him, next week im going to mff and staying at a motel near there with someone im not too fond of... hes my exs best friend that told me he was cheating and tried to get the rebound... is still hoping (eyes looking up emoji). but a random is also gonna be there, my new friend is going one day too, and best of all one of my good friends is flying in from florida (not for mff but still)!!! not my bff, but theyre mutual friends, and he genuinely helped SO much with the breakup with my ex out of the goodness of his heart despite barely knowing me. im gonna miss a lot of mff to show him around chicago bc i want to repay him somehow. museums, the zoo, a conservatory, state st, michigan ave, the wondrous cta, mitsuwa, aguascalientes. i bought him a navy blue sweater as a symbol of care and love. platonic of course. i hope i can fit everything i wanna show him into the little time we have!!!
theartofmadeline
kaledo-art
andulkaphoto
vaporwave
snowghoul
areudirty
jbbartram-illu
kianamaiart
