nother year on torture sphere

going going gone

something still feels off

do i even want anything

it’s funny to think of the brief window of time i knew anyone as being irreversibly past tense. the goal of making nostalgia impossible has been reached. nothing happened = no memories. all that’s left is disappearing a little bit more & then completely

in the dream i was talking to a chinese girl & she showed me a recording of her parents complaining about my shoes “being different” & my feet being “too big.” she made it seem like we couldn’t see each other any more because of it, like it was too much of a difference to be overcome. tf was that supposed to mean

what’s left

had a rerun dream of an old premise for no particular reason. the girl had come with me to visit my family just as a platonic friend. can’t fathom why that scenario would exist let alone be repeated but whatever. we were getting ready for bed & she grimaced and said “i have to share a bed with you?” i was annoyed but pretended to not be bothered so she might feel guilty & think twice. didn’t happen. the disdain of sharing a bed theme has happened at least 3 times already. there was a lot of internal monologue about why i had even invited her & how exactly i could cut her stay short. the rest of the dream was a weird school based interstitial. i burst into a mid classroom & fell ass over tea kettle in some attempt to get attention. i realized i had signed up for a math course that was never attended, for the 200th time. this is what happens when the subconscious has little to work with i guess

idk if i have any emotion about this summer marking 10 yrs since high school. might as well have all been the same year, or second. i knew this time would come to pass just as it has. a relentless emptiness or grudging relief that symbolically any chance of resurrecting the youth i once thought i wanted is officially “over” now & there’s no sense in thinking twice. i know i’ll just continue to drift even further from society & run the clock out on the even faster duller remainder of life. “i can’t believe it happened like this” would normally be in order but i think i understand it now. refusing to do anything about anything is controlling the outcome, thereby ensuring nothing. that i can live with. you’d think i planned it this way if you didn’t know any better

it’s tempting to want to pat myself on the back for quietly going so long like this but all it really amounts to is not doing anything or showing emotion about it. it doesn’t seem like strength to me, despite knowing most people would’ve blown their spineless brains out in my shoes years ago. i feel like that’s the only solace i can take in it. i withstood what they couldn’t, which makes me superior in a roundabout way. and also the yet unproven notion that i’ve steeled myself against “loneliness” later in life by getting over it now. it was a concerted effort to be okay with knowing as few people as possible. can’t ever forget that

think the only thing standing between me & doing it is an unfounded belief that it wasn’t my fault how things happened. is that true or am i just giving myself a pass. doesn’t matter. i still feel like giving up regardless. stifling myself to get through this time but relief never seems in sight. i have been so miserable for almost all of my life. idek what’s wrong anymore. everything, too late do do anything about it, etc. i can’t imagine caring about life more. just passively drifting through it waiting for an out. the escalating pace of time would be tragic if i had ever valued my time that much to begin with. instead it feels like a release. my end will be pretty predictable

so ironic that the whole point of being a drunk was just positive confirmation to give up on people. no one was ever there for me when the weather was fair. though i was too drunk to make sense of it at the time, that was glaringly proven beyond any doubt when i was at my worst. i had been too checked-out for too long to understand that there was nothing to be surprised about, let alone disappointed by. it took a second to get my bearings back and remember that things had never been any different. and until alcohol started running the controls, i had long since made peace with it and understood intuitively that mutual indifference with people was as amicable as it was going to get. i keep telling myself the commitment is about finishing the desensitizing now so i never have to rethink this subject again. get the hard truths out of the way now so there’s not the double whammy of having to confront them once i actually am too-old and worthless. i’m remembering now that i was the only one i could ever count on. i looked out for myself & took great caution to assess risk and avoid pain. i was beyond second guessing the past. things were okay. i lost sight of that being the point. as long as you’re okay, everything else is okay. great is delusion, bad is real. okay is the balance. whether or not people factor into the equation is irrelevant bc okay can be achieved without them. this path was worth it for understanding that. company isn’t intrinsically a gain. the value is decided arbitrarily

something needs to go right soon. getting worn down to not caring. it never ends. it just gets worse

got my car searched today & my little weed canister all the way back from hs i think was confiscated. the state’s done taken away all my toys

feel bad

hate myself for not stopping. i kinda have to admit that it is an addiction. the craving overtakes all always. i know my life will be ruined if i don’t quit. intimately i know this. and yet i keep going. makes me just a regular run of the mill worthless drunk i guess. i always justify it. that’s the heart of the dysfunction. it feels too good and is too easy to dismiss as harmless. i have to admit that there is no middle ground between continuing & an eventual brutal end. i’ve fucked around for 6 years. roughly 1/3 of it took place after i passed out behind the wheel and crashed into a guardrail. pure disregard. i can sit here now and tell you how it all makes sense how dumb i am and why my actions are as they are. it’s all bullshit. i am simply a booze drain. i just can’t help myself once that first buzz hits. i keep saying “not even one, not even one” but that’s just becoming an excuse to start. it’s so pathetic. i hate to leave it behind. it was truly a blight on my life in every measurable way but i still thought i was enjoying myself in the process. can’t say anything good about it besides that. i hate what i’ve let it do