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@colormipretty
Iām kind of just ..here

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My daughter will only eat around me if sheās holding a banana š£
So I bought toy food on amazon. I hope that it will encourage my daughter to eat more and try new foods. Like I let her hold a toy orange while she tries to eat a real orange. Praying this works.
You're not an uppity brat at all and your child deserves to grow up in a nice place
Thank you thatās very sweet to say. I think living here has really made me understand the importance of money and made me appreciate my parents even more than I already did for working hard so my siblings and I could grow up that way. I have hope that we find a nice neighborhood here in Germany that kind of resembles an American suburb so my daughter can grow up in a nice place.
Like I just miss living here in the American suburbs where the grass is cut and the sidewalks are clean. The houses are big and pretty with AC.
This is how I grew upā¦
I really hope this doesn't sound rude but... what you describe is not even normal for farm people either. I have relatives who live on farms and they still put their shoes outside, wash their hands, don't let flies walk on their food and respect basic food safety.
Like they don't mind the smells and all and they obviously get their work clothes dirty, which is something that would be difficult for someone with OCD, but it has to be done after all. What you describe though just isn't normal at all and why are they letting a kid pee on the floor. Poor kid
No worries I donāt find your message rude at all.
And I wonder where you live? Like maybe this is it a national-cultural thing.
Read more for a rant.

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I have so much anxiety just living here.
The thing is Iām pretty sure my OCD wouldnāt be this bad if we lived in America closer to my family. Like I know my OCD is irrational at times but my husbandās family really does trigger it. I have a whole list of things they do that they donāt think is a big deal and idk like to me itās a big deal like am I crazy?
1. They let flies walk on their food. Like itās one thing to get a fly in your house and whatever that happens but bc they donāt have screens and we live on a farm so thereās more flies than normal - they have flies in their house and they just let the fly walk on their food like⦠donāt even try to swat them away.
2. My SILās husband makes food and lets it sit out overnight. Doesnāt put it in the fridge or anything. With flies in the house mind you. And people have died from leaving their food out too long (recommended time is no more than 2 hours) and eating it because of bacteria. Especially pasta which is what he usually leaves out. How this man hasnāt gotten severally ill idk. A miracle.
3. My SIL just had her daughter naked all the time and her daughter just pees on the floor or ground. And if she uses the potty she doesnāt wash her hands and Iāve seen them just take the pee from the potty and throw it into the trees/bushes like HELLO???
4. Walking in the house with their shoes on. Firstly you shouldnāt walk in the house with your shoes on at all but ESPECIALLY if you live on a farm. And my SIL one time when they were still living with us I had JUST gone to IKEA and bought a new rug and set it down in front of the front door. My SIL that SAME DAY came in and wiped literal HOURSE SH** on my new rug and just left it there. Honestly Iām too nice of a person because I really wished that I would have cussed her out for that. And told her to buy me a new rug bc wtaf? wtf? Am I the crazy one??
5. Another time with the rug situation I was vacuuming it up while I was heavily pregnant and it was EXTREMELY painful. Like I think I passed out after that because of how much energy it took out of me to do that bc I literally had zero core strength and then my SILās husband and comes in and dirties up the rug. I was so pissed
6. Also when I was pregnant and too sick to even get out of bed the house was a MESS bc I was the ONLY person cleaning the house. My SIL did eventually apologize to my husband - not me tho - for not helping out in the house as much. I literally felt like I was the house keeper bc they never helped clean. I was so happy when they moved out.
Honestly I hope Iām just overreacting and being paranoid instead of my gut feeling being correct
Also rewashing all the clothes I LITERALLY JUST WASHED š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©
Also we donāt have a dryer so this is going to take forever.
Also rewashing all the clothes I LITERALLY JUST WASHED š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©

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I want my husband to tell his family whatās going on with me bc my German isnāt good and itās hard for me to explain things. Like how do I even explain this behavior in English let alone in a second language. I canāt even explain it in my own head why my brain is completely effed up now and I want to die
OCD makes me want to kill myself I swear I canāt take it anymore
"Ohhh poor me, how I wish I had a wife, i am so lonely unwed man"
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I am jealous of women whoāve had easy pregnancies⦠Iām over here still debating if I even want to go through that again⦠I do want more than one child but Iām scared to get pregnant again š
Yāknow, no matter how hard I try not to compare myself to people I know in real life or online, I continue to let myself feel worse seeing a personās happy moments on social media. Worse, I told myself maybe, just maybe if person A achieved x in their life, then so can I as Iāve been through a lot but I donāt see any light comes my way. When my mother was here, she told me that comparison is the thief of joy and I listened to her word and continued my day, like how sheās gone, Iām a shell of my former self. Constantly feel jealous and miserable that why I donāt get a happy ending? I tried a few novenas but hardly any success. Sometimes I wonder I felt so laidback or my faith is so small that so many unfortunate things are coming my way? Yesterday, I felt depressed and today I feel worse, despite getting a few laughs from TikTok, I went right back to feeling low. My mental health is already low, just as my menstrual health, what is next for me to feel low? Iām trying my best to be and stay positive butā¦.
Also pray for me.

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My daughter will only eat around me if sheās holding a banana š£
Okay one cultural difference I realized is (and maybe itās just specifically Ohio vs Northern Germany thing and not American vs all of Germany thing) that Americans are more ābeat around the bushā and with Germans you have to be more direct. Like thereās been so many times where Iām like āoh idk, I donāt think soā when asked something I do not want to do. And Germans donāt get the hint. Like I have to just flat out say NO in all caps for them to get the hint. But as an American saying no like that seems really rude.