dope.

WADDAP BITCHESSSSS

It is taking me 50 attempts at writing this first line because how can I just write something after writing nothing for so long.  The buildup is just overwhelming.  Its like I just want to splooge on the page without all of that fun and exciting writing foreplay.  I mean, I did just have an awesome month of jet setting with tons of juicy content to blanket your mediocre lives with.  But instead, I will be humble and be honest with the fact that my life, previous to the past month, has just been too boring to write about.  Or maybe I could come up with some bullish story about how I went to a fat farm, or my dog died (knock on wood).  WHATEVS.  All I know is that seeing all of my friends from coast to coast the month has made me a happier, inspired human being and all though I do not know about tomorrow, because I am ferociously uncommitted, today I would like to write about… THIS DESK I FOUND ON CRAIGSLIST AND PAINTED MYSELF.   You think I am joking? I am not. This disgusting piece of crap transformed into a beautiful, solid monolith of bill writing, thank you note sending, architecture.  Initially it was this grey color with tiny brown freckles all over it – I would say a similar color to a Ginger’s corpse that, while living, enjoyed baking in the sun with tanning oil SPF 2. Disgusting.  Needless to say, I bought it for dirt cheap and painted the shit out of it.   Although the picture does not capture its beauty as it would by the naked eye, it gets my point across.  I am proud of it and want to share it with you.

PS that is not my dinosaur pc laptop on top of the desk.

PSS that chair is from craigslist too. For 5 dollars.

Color Forecast

"Its looking like Uggs with scattered showers of plaid"... That is my color forecast for my city, since they don't have it on there.  BUT if you want to dress like the super-trendys over in Paris, Milan, and Antwerp, all you have to do is go to color forecast.  They have live cameras checkin' out the streets and targeting the hot colors people are wearing, so you don't have to be wearing Sunshine Yellow when the forecast is Tangerine.  Personally I don't give a flying pigeon what the color forecast is, because either A) I'm already up on the trends and don't need help or B) I'm going to be wearing stretchy pants and any sweatshirt I can find that isn't dirty.  But I think the idea is so unique - had to share!!

http://www.pimkiecolorforecast.com/

Shop till you broke

So, what do I do when I’m bored? I SHOP.  Which would be awesome if I had one of those money trees.  Put some pennies in the dirt, water it with molten gold, and out comes a tree sprouting green leaves with old man faces on them.  My original “move to Australia fund” has become “live like a princess when you’re unemployed” fund.   These are some of my recent purchases that I highly recommend.  You will appear to: be fashionable, have beautiful skin, and have a sense of humor.  Marriage material ladies.

1.  Sperry Top Siders, Bahama Grey Fleece Sequin:  A classic shoe with a twist.  I don’t feel like I am being suffocated by khakis and polo shirts when I sport these.  They come in bright colors too! Neon has been hitting the runways, so the brights are a great trendy option.  My fashion blogger friend CEEC can attest to that.

2.  Clinique City Block SPF 40:  For those experienced SPF users, a high SPF can change your skin to a strange hue of neon purple.  Clinique has squashed this problem by tinting the moisturizer ever so slightly - it makes a difference. 

This article is the tits.

It's not my norm to post an article, but this one is awesome.  And true.  I have had too many friends/acquaintances who blab their freakin heads off about the male gender.  Queue end of friendship.  Because in the end it really doesnt matter if Billy Bob Jo gives you a call back after your shitty date to Chilli's.  Just love yourself and others will love you too...

MAD MAD LOVE!

I'm BACKKKKKK.....

Hello, as I sit here, nursing my caffeine withdrawl migraine.  Traveling Europe for the past 3 weeks has been one of the greatest experiences of my life:  drinking cappuccino at least 3 times a day, not wearing workout clothes or working out once, drinking alcohol for breakfast lunch and dinner (and feeling like I wasn’t being judged), and throwing up in my mouth every time I exchanged money and lost 50% of its worth.  Vices were abundant and the fashion was stunning – Americans are really just healthy slobs.   But ohhhhhh how I miss being healthy and working out, so I wont bash being American, I will just dress better.   Because a diet of bread, cheese and cured meats was like the 405 at rush hour for my bowels.   Cant wait to get back to my routine once this jet lag kicks the bucket.  I totally exchanged going to yoga this morning for writing this post and catching up on Mad Men…zomg Betty Draper is fat!?  Oh ya, and I also went shopping online because I have a new appreciation of how cheap the clothes are in America. 

Designer Schlong

I LOVE this idea!!!  I feel like condoms have a bad wrap and this blows new life into them.  Especially being a woman, the connotation of carrying condoms on you really ejaculates "slut" across your forehead.  But I think having designer condoms makes it a bit more light hearted.  I mean, what's the point of buying designer ANYTHING if no one else is going to see it right??  Now there will be more sex and more safe sex - well that's what I'm thinking in my idealistic world.   I'm really glad Alexander Wang came out with one too.  Really, the puns are neverending. 

Keaton Henson - Small Hands

When I was a child I had a special affection for animals.  Like when the ant in Honey I Shrunk the Kids got BRUTALLY MURDERED by that scorpion my emotions literally could not contain themselves -  I ran upstairs and cried like the little baby I was.  So when I watched this video it definitely took me back to that dark place.  It is a total illusion by making you think you are watching a cute puppet movie with precious animals and then BAM your curled up in the fetal position having an anxiety attack.  But to be serious, (yes, I know it's hard), it is a beautiful song paired with an artistic visual containing the brutal realities of nature and life.  

Geometric Porn Ap

Apologies for the hiatus.  Sometimes shit gets weird and throws a bitch off track.

Hopefully I can make up for it with some crude and erotic footage.  But really it's just colored shapes moving around, so get your mind out of the gutter. 

Nips.

I'm fascinated with boobs.  Exhibit A: http://dirteedan.com/ (my fotoblog sprinkled with boobies).  And of course with boobs comes nipples.  Here they are scientifically categorized for easy identification.  I didn't even know such nips existed!! Perhaps some are endangered species or are just so rare that they are hardly ever spotted to photograph in their natural habitats.  White Tiger nips?  Tazmanian Devil nips?  Fascinating.