A Rather Well-Known Niche Cabaret Legend

Don't tell Jeff Goldblum it isn't him, he'd be crushed. You and me both, but trust I put my own Glindafied twist on it. At least, I'd like to think so. Oh? Please, if I meet her, I have a feeling we'll be best friends. How long do I gotta wait now?!

She always has time for you, Ariana. I imagine she's waiting by the phone in her rent-stabilized Chelsea apartment full of French furniture, smelling like cigarettes and moth balls. What's Jeff Goldblum like? Does he always speak in a stream of consciousness? He's such an interesting character of a person.

Do I even wanna know what that means? Sounds ominous to me. Nah, I've just never been into musicals and stuff like that. Listened to Hamilton a couple times, but that's about it. Just not my thing, personally. I think it's cool as hell for anyone who likes it and is good at it though.

I'm going to leave it ambiguous. What about plays? The Broadway musicals without the music. Sort of like watching a movie, but more interactive and anyone could mess up at any moment. What is more your thing?

I have two, but to be fair, I could be ignoring both of them equally. Damn, I don't know if I'd go as far as calling them nightmares, but, they know my favorite is our sister and I think that goes for all of us. I won't, I won't... does that mean you're not doing well?

My brother and I have called each other worse. Nightmare is almost a compliment, but I love him anyway. I don't know my sister very well. Are you close with them all? I'm doing better than usual, actually! I've been getting to play lots of dress up and go to fancy events. It's been surreal. I'm going to be so pissed when I wake up.

Now, now. Don't go doing that! You're supposed to think and fully believe that your own fans are the best. Pretty much. Post breakup, we randomly decided to live together for six months. I had written an EP about it, so then we filmed music videos for all the songs and my ex directed and filmed them all. Even starred in a couple of them with me. Our fans thought we were announcing we were engaged, but instead it was a breakup. Oh, hell yeah. I'm so in.

Oh, fiddlesticks. I guess I do like them very much, misguided as they are. Cari, I'm so invested now! I want to know every dirty detail. How on earth did you manage that? I would've been such a publicly awful person if that happened to me. Did you really just.. randomly decide to do that? Randomly? It feels like there must be more to the story of why that happened.

I have seen it! And I've seen John Proctor. My husband and I are in New York fairly often and we see a lot of shows while we're there since I have a few friends that do shows, and I think both are brilliant and special in their own way. Do they have free food tickets? That's wild, I never knew that. I guess I wouldn't, if I've never gone.

Oh, you know, those big events aways come with pretentious little hors d'oeuvres at the beginning that are too delicious and too small for just one, but if you take 5 off the tray at once, it's frowned upon. So you have to space out your greed and find a different person with the same tray to pretend like you're trying one for the first time every time. Or maybe that's just me.

Nah, my family is pretty cool. I don't have any young people in my family that aren't like...babies, so I think it would be okay. We're all adults, we're all chill. That sounds like a fun time though, it sounds like an interesting take, especially if you're telling your own story through a craeetive, interesting lense like that. I'll try to check it out.

If I ever have a family of my own, that's how I would like to do it. Adults, right from the start. If you do make an appearance, please let me know! Or if you have good taste, check out Purpose. Your family won't resent you for exposing them to that one.

Oh my God, congratulations! That must be so exciting for you. Is it your first time being nominated? Happy dwelling is much better han the alternative, I agree. Just life, honestly! Working consistently, spending time with my husband and children. Couldn't ask for anything better.

Thank you! Yes, it's my first time. A virgin. Tell everyone. You know, I think consistent work sounds like hell to some people and heaven to others. I think it's a blessing. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 3 months. Do you need a babysitter? I might need a job. Oh nevermind.

Wow, you really came in with the dramatic monologue energy, and I respect it. When I do remember to eat, it's usually toast with something vaguely spreadable, consumed while standing. Sleep is more of a concept than a practice. And yes, the friendship may be short, but it'll be memorable. As for the Life Alert necklace, I fully support this plan, mostly because I'd like to hear the 911 operator try to decode your vibe mid-rescue. "We have a dehydrated person down, and they're… Quoting deleted scenes from The OC?" Let's keep the friendship going, at least until someone finally makes us matching hydration reminders in the form of ironic friendship bracelets.

I'm all for memorable, but I don't know if I can commit to a bracelet. I'll forget to wear it after 3 days. Matching nipple piercings? You know, set it and forget it. And every time it snags on your shirt, you'll think of me and remember to have some water.

Is that something a person could do? Wait, no, I don't want to share it. I want it just for me. I'm insappy because my little play got nominated for a Tony and it's like having a child who just got into college when I didn't think they'd pass the first grade. I'm glad for you. It generally assumed that good people want to be parents, right? You're probably a good person, going to raise a good family. I've never wanted to raise anything. I can't keep a plant alive.

Oh but I like to doom them before I get really invested. I'm breaking up with you FIRST so you can't hurt me, Nico! You can have my body, but you can not break my spirit! All things in good time. Maybe you can hoist the cups of other gentlemen for now, to practice. A Michael cup, perhaps. An Andrew shot glass. You'll get to Stanley one day, I can feel it in my bones.

Nah, I definitely ain't saying get away. That type of behavior won't ever come from me, unless someone deserves it. You down Broadway? That's dope. Not really my thing but I know it takes some serious talent to be in one of those shows. Nice to meet you, I'm Ja'Marr.

I deserve it, Ja'Marr. You just don't know me very well yet. It'll make sense soon. But it's nice to meet you too! Why isn't Broadway your thing? Don't enjoy fun? I promise you, the only talent it requires to be in my show is the ability to tolerate long hours in a hoop skirt and a willingness to commit to the bit.

Pretty sure everyone says this, but my fans are genuinely the best. I adore them with everything I have. Hey, that's how mine were for awhile! Posting non-stop while going through a really, really hard breakup publicly had them seeing things. They still claim I've never healed from anything in my life, so maybe our fans are more similar than you think!

I'll be sure to tell mine that they are only second best compared to yours. They will love hearing that, Cari. I hope you know I'm joking. Truly though, did you post play by plays of your breakup? Was it messy? Oh god, we are the same, aren't we. We should start calling each other unannounced to cry. I'm on board if you are.

No, babe, you 100% deserve it. I have seen your show and it completely blew my fucking mind. Who even needs that competition when you're like obviously the front runner? To the Tony's? No, I wish. I've been dying to go for years, but I think you have to be nominated, and my only experience with New York theatre was when I did Clueless off Broadway a few years ago. One day, though.

Oh my god, thank you. You don't mean that, but thank you! Have you seen the other shows? They're all so meaningful and deep. My money is on John Proctor. I'm not even going to write a speech, but I appreciate your loveliness anyway. I'm just happy to go for the free food and the excuse to dress up. They do sell a limited number of tickets to the Tonys, but those aren't free food tickets. Don't buy those. You'll get a better view just watching at home with your own nachos.

Why not both? Gives you range. Please do, I'd be honored, actually. It has been, wouldn't change it for anything - in fact, I miss that. But things and promo will slowly creep back into my life again, and honestly, miss my fellow Ozians. The second film comes out in late November, so, time is just ticking now.

I'll take both! Thank you. Tell me the truth, which Ozian is your fav? I'll keep it between us, I swear. Ahh, I'm looking forward to it! Even though I've seen Wicked like 600,000 times and I know how it ends.. I'll pretend to be surprised. I should tell you that I do a character whose entire personality revolves around trying to get Ariana Grande back on a Broadway stage. You should meet her sometime.

C'mon, you gotta be more than a dirty playbill or an ignored Tik Tok. Although, kinda hit the nail on the head with that one - don't tell my brother I never opened them. I'm doing great, though, thank you, life's real good.

Sometimes I am, but I like to set expectations nice and low, Troye. You have to know that if I ever meet your brother, that will be the first thing I tell him, right? It's always best to get your deep dark secrets out in the open right from the start. My brother knows I don't look at anything he sends me. It doesn't stop him. Nothing stops him. He's a nightmare. ..Anyway, I'm happy to hear you're doing so well. Don't rub it in.

Oh! I'm doing good, actually. Can't complain. Starting to get back to work, still getting plenty of time off to relax and spend some quality time with family. I haven't been into the city to see a Broadway show in a bit, so I would love to know what yours is about, in case I get some free time to go see it.

I'm so glad you're enjoying your time off. If you do get a chance to go, you might want to go alone. It's not family friendly, unless you want to traumatize your family. Hey, everyone's got hobbies and I'm not one to judge. The show is about Mary Todd Lincoln and her life and dreams of becoming a cabaret star, but she encounters many obstacles along the way. It's basically my autobiography, but I get to wear a wig and a dress and pretend I didn't write the entire thing about myself.