¿Qué onda?

It doesn’t matter your age, it doesn’t matter the time that has passed. Some things don’t matter as much as they used, some things have been forgotten at this point. Some experiences have changed my perception of life and how to go about it. But some underlying thoughts and moments will always bring me back to similar moments, feelings and realities of my depression that consumes my life. The hidden lines of sadness are no longer hidden in my skin and under the clothes, it visible in the tiredness of my body language, the slouch of exhaustion, eyes red and clouded not by crying but by the sheer fatigue of having to work to be able to survive another day you never wanted to live through. You stare at the lines on your face, the excess skin that doesn’t seem to fade away anymore with skipped dinners, and the greying of your skin as the days, weeks, years go by. You enter this unfamiliar territory with your body, you’ve always been insecure and hateful towards it but — the process of aging seems even more gruelling and terrifying because you never thought you’d make it this long. Most people enjoy or hate their twenties, some thrive and other spiral — and then there’s people who just don’t know what to do anymore. You’re not stuck, but you’re not moving forward. You just feel like you’re living the same day in and out, a never ending cycle of living without any feeling or soul. You change every year just like the seasons, not as frequently as when you were a teenager or your first years of university and college, but every year a part of whatever made you happy seems to grow dimmer every change in season. You come to grasp that shit does not have any meaning to it anymore, moments or experiences that used to bring you hints of joy are empty and boring at best. You don’t have any desire to chase forgotten moments and you don’t have any motivation to create new ones. So, I guess cheers to making it to 26, let’s see if we make it another year.