almost.almost

Cry for help: I feel a crippling anxiousness about what the future holds for me. It is not about my capability to perform but my capability to endure performance. Life has been horrid and sometimes I think I just want to complacent- get married, have kids, make peace with systems that women should never make peace with. When I do that, I will have friends and money and travel. My parents will love me deeply again. Like all mothers who are stuck in horrible situations, I will use my kids as an excuse to continue living in those horrible situations. In short- life will perfect. But alternatively, I can push for better things and demand more and never settle. I can inspire young girls and gather detest from older women. Don’t you feel this way? Like it’s extremely unfair that these things are polar opposites for us? But it is so draining to even think that the things we resist today are the things we will be resisting 30 years down the lane too. That we will make some change but a new generation of babies will be born and once again, it will be upon us to make sure these babies don’t be the assholes their parents were. That wherever we go, whatever big-shot conferences we attend, we will say the same thing, but in a more sophisticated manner, and by contextualizing and adding a few paragraphs around it: “don’t kill my people”