i make a mess of everything

She twitched the slightest bit when the cold covered the spots of red, stopping it from dripping. The care in the action not going unnoticed. Even with his heart in turmoil, that dusting of ice didn’t sting the way the rest of this did.

She stilled when he spoke. Trying to decipher that one word. The silence that reigned between that and him speaking again slamming her ears so hard she felt as if they’d been boxed. She dared to take a breath. Jewel toned eyes looking up at him imploringly. The slightest bit of hope swimming in their depths. But there was still a storm behind the gentle voice. She could feel it coming closer. Like the eye of a hurricane inevitably shrinking as you braced for the wind to hit. 

     Could.     Should. 

There was the brunt of it. Knocking the air from her lungs just as solidly as if she’d been hit squarely in the sternum. She held tighter to him, trying to hide the way her hands started shaking. 

He kicked away his staff, turning her gaze down for just long enough to slip from her hands. Her face darted back towards him, seeing how he turned. How his shoulders were braced. The way he said goodbye while avoiding the words.  “No.” It was small and broken. Tooth rushed forward, nearly slipping on the ice that had spread so far under their feet with his duress. “Jack, please don’t!” She caught herself from falling and Tooth reached him, throwing her arms around him, holding strongly as she could. 

He said he didn’t want to cause her more pain. He said no more tears. The promise already shattered with how quickly the back of his sweater got damp. And how her nails dug into her own arms to keep her hold tight. 

“I can’t do that. I can’t leave. Jack, I left before and I can’t do it again! I can’t do that to you.” She sobbed. “This can’t be the only answer. Jack, it just can’t! I can’t have her and not have you. What could I say to her? That I’m the reason you’re gone? I can’t be the cause again. I can’t have only the memory of you. Please, Jack. I’m not strong enough for that. ” She was practically on her knees, arms wrapped just as tight around him as she fought for breath around the weight in her chest.  “I can’t stay if you’re gone. I can’t do it. If this is the only choice, it’s the choice for both of us. She’ll be looked after. I know the others will love her. But I can’t if you take my heart with you.”

❅— no matter the chaos within his own heart or the world around them, he would only ever be soft with her. though no matter how desperately he tried he never managed to completely keep her from harm. least of all from the harm he himself brought to her by his very existence. 

was he simply doomed to break every promise he ever made? was he cursed to never once know what peace felt like? was he nothing but a mistake the world was unable to erase properly? how else was he supposed to explain how he kept continuing to hurt her. how else could he explain why he was there even when nobody believed in him least of all himself. if he really was someone before the moon chose to curse him with an exiles existence then what monstrosities did he commit to earn him such a fate as this? there was no way he was worth her love. to have the sun within his grasp and still be unable to feel her warm glow upon his skin without the shadows making what should have been comforting warmth into just a searing burn on his heart.

he closed his eyes as her arms held his shaking frame together. tears falling as he stared into the darkness begging for the strength to do something right for once in his life and end this darkness. he needed the strength to not cave in and fall to her demands. the idea of running away with her, of leaving all of this mess behind for someone else to deal with, sounded so much better than his alternative. but wouldn’t that be just one more disaster he could add to his generous supply? could he really look her in the eyes knowing he could have prevented any more of this endless battle? could he look his daughter in the eye knowing he let her future be so shaded by fear’s war against the moon?

but she would so easily choose to stay. to perish alongside him as easily as choosing to go with him for a secret picnic in the twilight. while lighter than air her words and emotion pulled him to his knees unable to stand any longer. a hiccup racking his chest as he fought against his own fear. he couldn’t loose her. he couldn’t say goodbye to his little girl. he couldn’t loose the family he somehow managed to build despite his very existence dooming them all to suffer for longer than they needed. longer than they deserved. 

It stretched into infinity, that moment. Each second etched into the mind of the Guardian of memories. There was something still holding him back. The fight happening behind his eyes as he stared into nothing. Not even at her. Tooth stroked his cheeks more fervently with her thumbs. Hoping beyond hope that she could still be a victor in this battle.  The glassy look in his eyes cleared somewhat, and she moved in a mite closer as he seemed to see her again. His hand froze to brush gently down the tracks of her tears. The Fairy having to stabilize a trembling breath. The spots of blood from her torn feathers seeping into his sweater when he pulled her close. 

His voice came out horse, choked on what she could only think was pain. She held a little tighter. Afraid he might slip from her grasp again. Jack closed his eyes, Toothiana fighting the need to beg him not to. They were teetering on the edge of a precipice. One she wasn’t sure they could come back from if he fell. God, she couldn’t let him fall! 

“I love you because- because you’re you. I can’t explain it, Jack, but it’s true! I’ve known, deep in my heart- before it was ever a possibility!- that my soul wanted to be a part of yours. You’re everything I never thought I would be blessed enough to have.” Her hand moved over his, flattening his palm against her cheek. She rose up on her toes, pulling him down to press her forehead to his. “I don’t care if you make me cry, Jack. Because It’s only temporary. Tears dry. And when I can see clearly again again, there’s no other face I’d rather see than my family’s.”  She sighed, brushing her nose lightly on his.  “Just it’s broken doesn’t mean it can’t be cherished. I won’t lie to you. Sometimes this hurts. Sometimes your broken edges cut me. But I would rather bleed out than let those pieces go. Because pain doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. Pain is there no matter the happiness. Because without it you can’t understand the importance of loving. You can’t live fully without the pain of life. Pain- Pain means it’s time to give it your all! Everything.”  A sob and she clutched at the front of his sweater.

“Jack I would give you everything! Anything! We’ve both lost our family before, don’t make us lose that again! Please. I promise, I’ll keep you safe. Because it won’t be just you fending off the world. It will be us. Together. I’ll hold you back when you need it, be by your side in every step. Especially ones that you’re frightened of! I swear on Devika’s life, I’ll love you with everything I am! Ask me to prove it, I’ll do it! Anything. Jack if you need me to… I’ll cut off my wings. I would be stronger by the end of it if I had you by my side.”

❅— because he was him... how could she say that when not even he knew who he was. how could she say all she wanted was him so deeply when he makes her so sad. how could she say that after he makes her cry she still wanted nothing more than to see his face? how could anything she said be true. how could he live with himself if it was. but she would never lie about something like this. not with everything on the line. 

she is manipulating you, Jack. all she wants is to use your foolish compassion so you do not destroy her. you said it yourself. everything is on the line for her. a hand closed tighter around his throat, nails digging into his shoulders and threatening to rip him in half to pull him away from her the more desperately he wanted to hold her close. she is using you! one last ditched attempt at killing us off for good. at making sure her precious guardians and adored Man in the Moon are safe. she doesn’t care what happens to you. she is being selfish! come now Jack, do you think she even would have come here if she wasn’t scared? if she didn’t realize she was loosing this battle? 

he was quiet again. trying to focus. trying to think. trying to be himself. to make a choice for himself and himself alone for once in his existence. his hands gently pulling her away so he could look at her. trying to make the grip on his body loosen enough to let him think. trying to block away everything besides this moment here and now. his eyes falling to her shoulder, to the plucked feathers and still dripping blood. another injury he caused her -- that he made her do to herself. and she threatened to do more still. threatened to do worse. his hand gently hovered over the injury before lightly letting his frost dust across her skin. being painfully reminded of the first time he injured her. his hand moving down to rest on where he knew that scar lay hidden. he injured her so many times and now she threatened to do worse to herself all because he was still here. 

“ no... “ he finally said, looking back into her eyes before resting his forehead to hers this time. his voice no louder than a soft breeze brushing past her feathers. no longer shaking from the strain. no longer itching to grab his staff for it’s comfort. he was as still and calm as the first morning snow in winter. too still. too calm. his grip too firm and yet too lose all at the same time. too at ease for the way the frost crept along the floor and the coldness that grew from his very core. “ no... no more... no more bloodshed... no more tears... no more pain... “ he calmly whispered into her ear as he pulled her closer. he doubted he could speak any louder the way that hand kept trying to throttle him for his actions. but his mind was made up. nobody would stop it now. he knew what he had to do. for her, for DJ, for himself.  

 ❝ Well.. the only good way to keep a regret is to learn from your old mistakes. I wish I knew more to help you. ❞ the red hooded mage replied mildly glancing at him with the lavender hues of his eyes. He drew nigh as a gentle ghost and took a seat on the crooked roots of the massive old oak tree.

                              ❝ Who  is it you’re talking about though ? ❞

❅—  “ the Man in the Moon. keeper of the so called guardians of childhood. a monster praised for being a hero among heroes. a god even. how utterly ridiculous... “ he rocked back on his staff, leaning into it in favor of fully sitting himself down. keeping his quick mobility an option at all times.