CoffeeCatStudy

My maternal grandmother died a decade ago. I recently remembered that she embroidered a pillow for my oldest niece. I thought about how it would’ve been nice if she taught me how to embroider pillows, so I could sell them. I know Google exists, but nothing beats a hands-on experience with a loved one. 

The summer so far made me realize that parts of the past seemed simple, while the world was otherwise too complicated to comprehend. No one is perfect; people do shady things; blindly following others isn’t a good idea; sometimes it’s better to accept things as they are.

When I was younger, I saw the internet as a fun place with kids and age-appropriate forums. As I got older and more jaded with life, I was hyper-focused on drama: who did this; who said this; how long did it take for this person to respond; It was one big distraction from a bigger problem: myself.

For years, I followed content creators who knew gossip, who were funny, and who always said the right things; not necessarily what I agreed with, but whatever made me laugh and eased my mind from studying and paperwork. But when I stopped laughing and turned off the computer, I never looked at myself deep enough to realize it was all a distraction from bigger problems: problems I had to deal with personally. Constant distractions are like a sugar rush in your brain, but the crash contains more pessimism than regret.

I was different. I am different. I had a sheltered childhood. There are things I shelter myself from, for good reason. A sheltered life doesn’t mean a trauma-free life. I was intelligent, but I was also naive. People took advantage of my naivety. After high school, I no longer wanted to make friends, but I still kept up with trends: who was the best in gaming, writing, and content creating for instance. I ended up burned, insulted, for innocuous statements.

My major problem was/is that I never outgrew the girl in 7th grade listening intently to gossip I’d forget by lunch. No matter how smart I became, how older I got, or how good I wanted to be at something, competition and drama consumed my mind and diminished my creativity. My writings are filled with sorrow, anger, and longing. I strove to outdo others. Most things left me angry and miserable.

As far as imperfect, shady people go, it’s easier to change your response to them, instead of trying to change them. They will always exist, no matter how much we cancel them. Even I am not exempt from this notion. Being cancelled is inevitable.

I do not write this to be a hero or bring in an era of positivity to the internet. I intend to look deep within myself, so I can improve.

I’m a cat lover who drinks coffee <3

I’m currently an incoming first-year grad student in Communication. I like reading, music, and video games.