fueled by the ...

I went to the mall just to eat pizza!!! hahaha! Of course I gave some to lol my bf and sister. 

I felt soo soooo sooo soooooo good AFTER EATING Pizza!!!!

Ok...

I went upstairs to meet my sister... and there is this fucking retarded who asked me after I said excuse me “ What your problem, why are you trying to squeeze in” and I said  with a blank bitch face staring at his face “ there is still space” then he stood up and walked away while he was mumbling. You know, he doesn’t buy any of those seats and there is really freaking space. My legs are tired. If he is going to say something... I am really going to snap and will make a scene. Don’t dare to ignite the fire and trigger me to be a lion... coz I will be more than that... will be a dragon! 

Anyway, I felt so good. 

Oh! Btw, the party day of M was just a typical Karaoke, roboing, and checked it at the motel. 

Obviously M was being sensitive with what we had argued about in chat because she was initiating to pay the half of the karaoke, motel and also, she was not adding me again in fb and I am still blocked in her instagram. Well, at least I said sorry... No more drama on my end. 

You know the thing is, I have been trying to earn money and yet... I can’t save money because my boyfriend is borrowing it. My boyfriend is moody, crazy stubborn, and spoiled brat. He doesn’t know what scandalous is... he is a spoiled brat. Like earlier, making a scene while Ate Karen and her mom was there saying that it is only 7 pesos (aloud). Duh! maybe he was jealous because I am gonna eat pizza by myself. As if I am not going to give him some. 

Anyway, I am now hoping for the electricity to be okay because the octopus was wet. ( AT HOME)

Can’t believe this, I read this article:

 http://metro.co.uk/2017/04/03/are-you-having-a-midi-life-crisis-how-the-stress-kicks-in-when-you-turn-30-6545011/

and I was stunned because from the moment I read this... I remember something when my boyfriend was telling me “ you are already 31″ My god, why are you acting like this?” (from the time I lost my phone) 

That made me feel so confused... with myself. with him too ( coz he was yelling and telling me “fucking 31″, it’s started to make feel “ALONE”

I also quit my job last February 2017. I decided to focus on applying this cabin crew dream that I don’t know if it is really my dream. I feel like I lost my dream. Was it also even my dream? those questions. I even asked him these questions , however, he told me that If this is not my dream then, I should just look for a job and travel. 

Last March and April, I applied to couple of jobs. Jobs that don’t require to work at night to bug those customers over the phone. However, I didn’t get it. At the back of my head, why am I not getting what I want? This is really frustrating. 

Last May 2017, my aunt arrived. I had a 7-14 days of vacation for free. I felt good after that. I feel like I was in a rehab. I was cleansed by my Aunt by the food that I ate then. I was so sober and greeting my family everyday then. I just enjoyed my stay there well, anyway it was free. Though I got irritated once due to the demands and commands of my Aunt. Obviously, my father knows when I am irritated. 

Anyway, Last June 2017. Had a birthday. Birthday that I wasn’t able to celebrate because we were both broke. I didn’t fucking celebrate my 31st bday. Lots of people greeted me anyway. Was amazed. lol

July 2017, I was always dragged by our buddy to go out 30.4 km 

from my house. I started to like swimming because it makes me feel slim and healthy. We were always burning money though we got nothing to burn. lol Twas fun. But at the back of my head, what am I doing?? #existentialcrisis 

OMG! and then repeat. 

August 2017, Lost my phone, being reprimanded by my boyfriend not to cry coz I am already 31... in front of the people. I was feeling humiliated, confused, drunk, messed up, fucked up, lonely, sad, I was trembling inside... because I was eaten up by this cellphone technology that it is a must... I got addicted to it. 

Also, we even went out on the exact date of Mercury Retrograde. 

Miscommunication with the money since me? I totally forgot what happened after we got in the cab and chatted at the gallery. Totally forgot... and I probably  forgot my phone and left it somewhere.(as fast as lightning Karma coz I floated a Toblerone even though I have money)  Every one was drunk, but if you would give a trophy to the most drunk among the three of us.. and lol that would be me. 

What I can’t understand is that my boyfriend of mine is trying to cool off this conversation every time I try to say that “ YOU SHOULD ALSO INCLUDE YOURSELF with the mess here” I was already the financier and you guys borrowed money from me, and then my boyfriend is like leaving me in the air saying he shouldn’t be included in this mess. 

He was even refusing my message to his friend that we lost that much money” that amount”, of course I would not know coz I couldn’t remember everything after we got in to the cab and went to Cubao. He was freaking refusing. 

Secondly, he even told me that is why his friend is not lending me her ATM because I made her angry. LOL. I even told her that though. hahaha I realized that Christer is the one trying to ignite this mess. He is trying to stay away from the mess, arising problem but hahaha he was even telling some of his triggering opinions. 

Third, August 22, 2017, while I was trying to wash my clothes, I checked my denim shorts that I wore the day I lost my phone. AND there was another “RECEIPT and proof that we withdrew money at BPI... but I could not remember it, the remaining that time: was 1569.34pphp at 19:21. Then, OMG! I found 200php in my pocket? magical? crazy? because there was not 200 in my pocket when I lost my phone or maybe I couldn’t feel anything anymore then or I forgot. Someone withdrew my money...or it might be me... we don’t know. 

In my wallet there was a receipt too amounting: 1054.34php at 21:31. 

so, everything... I lost 1300php because I found 200php in my pocket yesterday. August 22. 

This is crazy!

Another link:

No matter what happens.

I just need a little push and a little pinch of courage. It is now or never!

YES it is really now or never!

September is already waiting for me... for everyone!

Something’s brighter than the sunshine is gonna happen. (intuition)

Prolly enlightenment will even happen then! 

Anyway, this is my simple diary and I am not worried to see other people about this stuff. Nobody wants to see this anyway. 

Alright, what I am thinking right now is that.. Later I am gonna look for a job.. YES all by myself. as usual. My another adventure of my life. my own journey. 

fuck! Yes! I feel alone currently. Sad. Or maybe, I just wanna be alone. But I just can’t do it coz I always have someone with me in my room. What I feel right now is that I don’t have anyone to talk to right now... I have a buddy available everyday in my room yet... “” blocking what I wanna say... thoughts that I wanna clear things out... 

Anyway, I am not going to entertain negative vibes like criticisms, gossips, and distractions. (universe! help me lol) 

Feel like I will not be the same person like you know few years ago. My mind is changing... I don’t know what kind of crisis is this. I wanna stop this... coz it is polluting my mind with mess. 

What is my realization recently???

Ummm.. Well, the two girls are in need of attention. Only one guy is paying attention to their stories. That is why those girls are just not in to listening their “2 boring girls stories” because they are both girls and thinking of the same thing in their minds. “attention” attention” “look at me” “wonderful story is here” more intriguing story is here”, “better than her” or even “the best story among anyone else here”.

So funny.

So funny. 

But it is true. 

At least I know the fact. 

Everything is positive.. currently. Fuck! I can’t even say what I need to say. Like he is blocking me again, coz of pretending of the positive vibes or ideas that he wants to implement. 

I gotta pretend that everything is alright. I was trying to say that... HE IS ALWAYS SHAPING or giving me impression to people that I am a war freak. Like because I sent an email before internally to this fat pork boss we had before.. but I couldn’t remember about it anymore because what I only remember is that I always did my best when I am at work. 

Okay. 

I am currently looking for a hobby or an area to focus on and ENJOY, I feel like swimming... doing some sports in the water... like surfing, skimboard, and the thing currently running on my mind is Longboarding...

I don’t wanna invest in an expensive longboard actually... I am a beginner. I wanna see my options are...

I also want to travel because currently, or actually, USUALLY! I feel so bored with all the places I go to, Those seem to be so black and white and gray color. Dying places. I haven’t seen myself having sparks in my eyes like I found something whimsical. 

Anyway, I fought with my mother last night due to her... threatening me to throw all my babies ( pet cats) I exploded like I am really going to kick her and I don’t give a damn if she is my mother because she is stopping and controlling my happiness because all she wants is to be like her “unhappy” “confused” “paranoid” “insecured” “think highly of herself” “crazy”, etc.  That is why I don’t like those kind of characters I mentioned because these remind me of my lol biological mother.

Anyway, I am currently waiting for the perfect time to go out maybe with my partner or by myself. 

Anyway, I also want to go to trampoline... to jump and do some tricks in gymastics... yeah! I always want  to be a gymnast but father didn’t allow me to enroll when I was a kid coz he doesn’t want me to break my bones. ( Being protective... kinda attitude of a parent)

, just to give a thought about myself ( a little) I don’t like telling my plans to anyone like I don’t count my chickens before they’re hatched. 

I just don’t like telling that and if someone tried to exposed my plans, then yes! I would definitely get angry.

Well, myself? I easily get angry... but I already know now how to cool my temper... really!!! I am very outspoken, I like throwing sarcasms so much...

Lost my phone. Dooms day.

I wanna improve my life. this time. this time.

I feel like I am so weak. 

First, I had 2 cats or 4 cats in my room. The reason was I don’t wanna be alone. 

Second, I let my boyfriend stay here in my room and yes in my house. 

The reason was I don’t wanna be alone.

My father left and living in Pangasinan. I felt so lonely. I normally talk to him every night about random things. 

My mind is currently thinking of  CHANGES! I got bored like as if my my life in this year has been sober. Btw, I currently dyed my hair. Mercury retrograde is getting closer… two more days.