...

i love feeling closer to those who are not here anymore, but i also hate it, 'cause why are they not here anymore?

i love remembering theIr voices, but i also hate the fact that i will never know if i remember them right or accurately

i love talking about them, but i hate how no one's gonna know what i'm talking about

age works well because i'm not dying of pain, but i could if i wanted to, i'm more resilient with each death, maybe preparing for the worst one, which is decades away, hopefully

i don't wanna be in my mind 'cause then i would die of pain there.

Whenever you come I spend from 3 to 4 days still thinking about you. This week you came twice so I haven't stopped thinking about you.

i think about you before i fall asleep

you told me things that no one had told me before

and they were such simple words, yet so powerful.

the worst part is you're better, it's easy to see,

so close but the furthest away

(you'll never know what i mean)

i have thoughts.

i know you feel something too,

you're building courage.

someday i'll read this and know how right i was to think this.

and i'll fuck up again

and i'll feel good about it again

and i'll fuck u good too

and you'll feel good about it.

you're talking to me, almost everyday

I wish you could know that I’m doing better, I’ve been actively working on that, I’m trying to decompress all the things that tend to mess me up and knowing you’re not here anymore just breaks me apart and makes me wish I didn’t feel better if that could take you back. I would totally go back and loose myself again if that meant to have you still with us.

We were always dreaming together, always looking for happiness by any means. Nothing else mattered but feeling good and nobody could teach me that better than you did. And in that journey I also learned that in order to feel good, making others feel the same also helped.

And that’s what you always did, you always cared for everybody to feel good, you always looked for that because that made you feel good too, and that there is genuine, unconditional love ‘cause you were like that with everybody, it didn’t matter, you never cared and always just shared positivity with everyone else. You taught me more than I knew and I didn’t realize it until you were taken away.

And everyday I think of you, just because or in any situation I live, I think of what would you do, what would you say, what would you wear ‘cause you always looked fresh, the sound of your contagious laughs that everybody loved, your jokes, your tight hugs, how I felt safe with you, how I felt fine and wished I could spend more time with you, how you made me realize how happy I was with my brothers.

You were my brothers. You are. Always caring for me, always wanting the best for me and giving me advice, you helped me to not give up, and you were remarkable at changing my life perspective for good and that’s something I wish I could have told you while you were alive. I wish that we could talk about it but there, that's the problem.

There’s a lot of things I wish I could tell you right now. How much of an impact you have made in me, ‘cause you still do. How we all talk about you everyday and miss you and hurt from your absence. My grandma is 90 now, and she is sad, she is tired, and always thinking about you, I see it in her eyes and in her tears. Your parents are the strongest people I’ve ever known and also I’m doing things for them, I honestly feel it’s hard but I wish for them to love life or love some things in life again. They are doing it all for you, we all are.

I hope you can see me and I hope one day you feel proud of me, ‘cause I swear I’m living up to your thoughts and there’s nothing I want more than to be like you and to feel and give love to everybody.

You were never an example of someone who was giving up and you had all the options, you probably needed someone around you, ‘cause if there was something you always wanted to be was someone better. You were just lost on how to do it but you did it anyways.

It's a dark science when your brothers start dying, like

"How could they go?

Can you please help me find my brothers?

I’ll give you anything you need multiplied by ten

I heard they moved to a place where the time don't end”

And if I listen to it closely I can still hear all the love in your hearts, every time I take a look at the skyline it makes me feel better ‘cause I just miss you down here where the other people try to move on.

Now you're stars.

It's the way that things are.

You wanna be single right now, but then you meet someone and he's really nice and you fall in love, but he's an asshole and he breaks your heart and you can't stop crying, so you decide that you wanna be single right now, but then you meet someone and he's really nice and you fall in love, but he's an asshole and he breaks your heart and you can't stop crying, so you decide that you wanna be single right now, but then you meet someone and he's really nice and you fall in love, but he's an asshole and he breaks your heart and you can't stop crying, so you decide that ...

...

Holding your hand and gripping tightly to your fingertips, watching with a nervous stare and wondering when lingered lips would meet again; and we'd decrypt the mysteries between all these places that I've visited, this vista is serene and I believe the atmosphere was made up when you landed here and froze me in position, thus suspended like a chandelier. Turned my insecurities to wisdom and disbanded fear until the only thing that I resembled was a man revered; see, I met this planet here with lonely apprehension, always let the canvas smear and hold me back from living ‘til I finally advanced some years and told my after-vision "You had best be takin' chances, merely moping ain't revision," Then I exited a panicked year and followed through the months, traded out my bumps and bruises for a solitude in hugs, went from solemn in a hollow shell to swallowing my tongue and only skipped an hour past 'til I was awkwardly in love.

Like...

oh my darling

.....Hold onto my hand

Oh,

My heart is beating

out my chest

Ain't this all grand?

(Ain't this grand?)

Skip to later in the year, watching summer turn to fall, watching halloween approach and losing slumber to it all. It would seem as though impossible, but some how you had managed to be even more angelic, something lovely had evolved! And I refuse to question how, just smile in euphoria, always entertained and all the while, never bored of ya' because everything about you from your smile to how you spell your name is absolutely perfect, and I swear I've never felt the same

I'm just trying to love you in any kind of way but I find it hard to love you when you're far away. I see the sun rising and all you see is its fall. You turned my life around, before that I am glad, however much I love you this love is getting bad.  Take me back to the place where I loved that boy for all time. 

So how could this be done by such a smiling sweetheart? The pain it takes the part of me, turn around and say goodbye.  And I saw you cry, so I know you didn't mean to creep into my dreams just to turn me down. Can I hold you one last time? To fight the feeling that is growing in my mind. I know I did us both all so wrong, I know I'm not always all that strong.

It's killing me,the things that you can do that no one else can do to me at all. Am I wasting my time? As I feel that I'll go out and find someone that's out of luck too You say you feel so used but it was you who turned it on and used all of your charms just to bring me in

Still I need your sway, ‘cause you always pay for it, and I need your soul 'cause you're always soulful, and I need your heart 'cause you're always in the right places.  You can help me out, I want to love you again ‘cause I feel so cold without sun and you're the one I can't run from.   

Where do I run to now that I’ve lost you?  

You are a horse running alone, and he tries to tame you

Compares you to an impossible highway, to a burning house, says you are blinding him, that he could never leave you, forget you, want anything but you, you dizzy him, you are unbearable, every woman before or after you is doused in your name, you fill his mouth, his teeth ache with the memory of taste, his body, just a long shadow seeking yours but you are always too intense, frightening in the way that you want him, unashamed and sacrificial.

He tells you that no man can live up to the one that lives in your head

And you tried to change, didn’t you?

Closed your mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake, but even when sleeping you could feel him traveling away from you in his dreams...

...So what did you want to do, love? Split his head open? You can’t make homes out of human beings, someone should have already told you that, and if he wants to leave then let him leave.

You are terrifying

And strange

And beautiful

I didn’t know why, I just felt I had to.

And then I saw the calendar: October 14th

...And I got why...

I wonder if you were aware of what day it was. I wonder if you saw my message and thought: “Wow, I was just thinking about you”. I wonder if you remember everything like I do. I wonder if you hang onto these memories like I do, ‘cause I do.

A year since I found happiness in your lips, shelter in your arms and wisdom in your voice. A year since I discovered the place where I really wanted to be.

It’s been a year and I still dream about you, I don’t want to, but it just keeps happening. And that’s why I wrote you, ‘cause the fact that I’m not with you and the fact that you don’t want to be with me cuts me to the core and I just learned to live with that feeling.

I didn’t know if to tell you I was gonna be back, I was afraid of what you would say, or even more, what you wouldn’t say, and oh dear, I was so right.

You keep breaking my heart and you still don’t know it. And I fucking love it.