Life & Love as a single mother in poetry form

You weren’t there when I needed you before

So I shouldn’t be surprised that you weren’t yesterday.

I just needed a rock to help me stabilize

A few months now

And despite a pandemic

I’m moving forward again

Every coat of paint

Every cleaned and purged room

Reclaims a little more of my home

A little more of me

Each change I make

Scrubs away at the pain

The betrayal

The cruelty of love promised

Turned resentment

Every change a tiny reclaiming

In truth been over for years

I simply stopped letting you hurt me.

You never touched me after my surgeries

As though this new healthier body

Repulsed you.

I felt small and ugly

That my fight to live in this body

And the scars that fight left

And for awhile it seemed true

He was gentle

And kind

And forever touching me

Or dancing with me

Or listening and talking with me.

Eventualy my voice grew to loud

The dancing stopped

And so did the touching

Our evening walks stopped

Holding hands stopped

And when my soul became starved of affection

And in my sorrow

I tried to speak

I realized he no longer listened

At least not with out becoming defensive

So I find I’m slowly giving up

And I don’t know why he’s here

Or why he lied about loving me

Or what if anything I did wrong.

All I know is that I’m lonely

And sad

And I could use someone to hold me

But I don’t want to be hurt anymore

touch starved

Lonely

and pushed away

every day is the same

there is nothing to look forward to

clean

do laundry

manage kids

manage my illnesses

manage my work

go to sleep

repeat

There is no passion here

They will never dance with you again

And if your lover stops seeing you

They will forever be blind to you as a whole

And if they stop caring about the parts of your life you live away from them

I sit in the heat and

humidity

In the loft I’m slowly filling with plants

I’m thinking about

Relationships and how I’m just so awful at them

I wish people thrived like plants from carful care. I wish I could troubleshoot people in the same way.

Why is this one so easily stirred to anger?

Why are these egos battering away at each other and everyone around them?

I am not allowed to point out problems, not allowed to pluck the damaged bits or even talk about them.

Can I treat the parasite that is called “fragile male ego” with neem oil, can I wash the once beloved foliage of my relationship with soap and water, fresh soil, and fertilizer?

This is one of them

I heard what you said

Maybe you should go

Maybe this was a massive mistake

Maybe all the family I need

Is just 2 people

This won’t work

This is not a family

This is stress

And loneliness

And I’m tired

We were a more whole and happy family

I wanted to be loved

But I practically have to beg you

To hold my hand

Or go on walks

Or spend time with me

In a fashion that doesn’t include

Distraction from

The affection we no longer

But now I do

Because 3 bites of a hamburger

And then realized

Maybe the person you fell in love with

Wasn’t real

And you don’t know the person

You said yes to?

Or maybe it’s you

You are shit

And they don’t love you

Because you’re shit

So they ice you out?

Or maybe it’s a little of both?

Or maybe you both made a bad choice?

But no matter what

Somewhere along the way

You stopped laughing together

You stopped dancing together

It’s interesting that people who are willing to be passive agresive and make others small

Are the first to claim hurt feelings when the don’t like how it feels when people get tired of it

If people dosing you with what you’ve dealt them hurts your feelings,

Imagine for a moment how it’s felt to be around you up to that point for those around you.

I can’t wait for you to want to spend participate