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I’ve been trying to get Avril Lavigne to go to prom with me for the past 6 years, and only now does she finally respond saying she’s already going with Brad. Typical.

Anti-fascists who get off to hentai, YOU ARE VALID!

All the baby boomers whose fathers are dead this Father’s Day can suck it! Amirite, millennials?!

“Son, I’m not saying that pursuing a career as a professional baseball player is a stupid idea, but you’d be spending the prime years of your life training to hit a ball farther with a wooden stick.” -How I got out of having to attend Little League games

“He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her,” said Jesus, shortly before shattering the accused woman’s jaw with a softball sized rock.

Hey all you strapping young speed runners! Today, I’m gonna be sharing a hot tip on how to save some time when speed running a “girl.” It’s a little known fact that a clip can be done to skip into the vagina loading zone and save whopping 6 seconds! This is what we know in the girl running community as the “clit-clip.” That’s all for today, but tune in text time for some more radical time saving strats!

If you’re already feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day, it probably doesn’t help when I remind you that your parents will probably be fucking tonight.  That is of course assuming they’re not divorced, dead, or something along those lines.

This theory will change the way you view fan theories: They’re all fucking stupid.

Thanksgiving dinner conversation starter: Casually suggest Andrew Jackson was the United States’ Hitler.

Only God can judge you? Please explain how I’m doing it right now then.

Tip for performing better cunnilingus: Write out the first chapter of Mein Kampf with your tongue.

I sadly just learned that your penis will not burst if you take multiple Viagra.

THIS SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! COME ON DOWN TO THE MEGA MASS EXTRAVAGANZA WHERE JESUS CHRIST WILL BE SLAM DUNKING SINNERS STRAIGHT INTO HELL!

With a new school year starting, that means homecoming is just around the corner! That doesn't apply to your dad though. He’s never coming home.

Anyone who watches reality TV on a regular basis is already halfway pathetic enough to warrant getting their own reality TV show.  Get a fucking hobby.