26

When I was younger, I was always fascinated by rigid, tough women. I’d always assumed it was just their personalities; that they were born that way- until womanhood began to find me the same, hardening me with each circumstance in which love would look my way and walk right through me. Unfortunately, I’m starting to believe that, that’s what love is; loving deeply to the point of being broken down- becoming so calcified in the terrifying process of what love can and will do to you. Just to be discarded for not being “soft” enough. The saddest part is: I remember each time I was soft- just as I remember each callous I gained from holding on too tightly, strains in my knees from running after those who wouldn’t even face me, and stains on my teeth from vomiting at the thought that, yet another person has found it too difficult to stay. I don’t know if love really is patient or kind much anymore. Love makes you jaded in ways you try your best to claw out of- love also walks away from you when it realizes you can’t.

been trying to trust the process when the process has been nothing but the heaviest weight i’ve ever had to carry. i feel guilty referring to all the grief i’ve endured this year as a burden, knowing it’s only love evolving. sometimes life gets you so far down, there isn’t even anything to say about it. sometimes all you can do is cry. i’m trying to make peace with that, but it’s draining me faster than i can even recalibrate in time to do so.

growing pains are no joke tho. i don’t think there’s any language on earth that could translate how consuming being amidst evolution truly feels like.