Rain. As a kid I always thought the sky can get sad and cry, hence they rain. It’s no wonder people always depict rainy seasons with sadness, but today it’s not going to be that sad for me. A cozy couch, a warm blanket, Netflix and hot choco. I’ve neatly placed the two mugs on the table in front of the couch and moved one of the mugs to create more space on the right side of it, cause I know how Chris loves to lay back and put his feet up on the table. He’s been gone for a while working in his new internship job across town, from time to time he would come back home and hang out for a day or two during the weekends and sometimes surprises me on weekdays, its currently Wednesday and I’m already anticipating him to visit. It’s been almost two hours of waiting and his hot choco is getting cold and I’m already two episodes done watching the new series “The Observer”. I’ve always been a fan of horror movies that gives me the chills, its mysteries like this really catches my attention, but Chris was always the scaredy cat when it comes to these types of shows. Its already almost 6:30pm and I’m pretty sure he’s not coming home, its times like this always makes me miss him so much it makes me cry. I’m always so sick of sleeping on a bed for two, hugging a pillow and waking up only to realize he’s still not around. I picked up my phone and called him, I hear his voice, but it was only his answering machine telling me to leave a message. God, I miss his voice, his soft, welcoming tone when he says “hello” in his recording, I always hoped I could talk to him again whenever his not busy. I left him a message and told him about the series that I was watching, how gruesome the graphics were and how scary the story was, basically everything he hates to know about a tv show or any show in general. I also asked him if he’s ever gonna visit in the weekend because I wanna prepare a delicious meal for him if he comes over. I told him that I missed him so much and that I hope I can hear his voice again, for at least one more time. It’s only been a week since he left, but it already feels like forever.
Sunday. It's hot, the sun was peeking on me between the window blinds. I forgot to close them again last night, usually Chris would remind me to close them before sleeping because our window was facing east where the sun rises. Speaking of Chris, an empty bedside again, he hasn’t come home yet... God, I miss him. Times like these we’d go out riding our bikes through the park but today, I'm going on a jog alone. During my 30-minute jog, I can't help to think of him again, how he's been, has he eaten yet? I wish I could hear any news from him. Finishing my morning jog, I stopped at front of my door and smelled... Bacon? Overcooked to be in fact. I knew that Chris was never a good cook but always loved to surprise me, so without hesitation I rushed inside and ran to the kitchen only to be greatly disappointed to see that I left the stove on burning the bacon for over half an hour. I turned it off, opened the windows, sat on my chair and stared at my empty plate wondering, when? WHEN IS HE GONNA COME BACK HOME?! Every day I wait for him! For a visit, an email or at least a call! A FUCKING CALL! It's all I ever asked for... I picked up the phone furiously and dialed his number and all I heard was his stupid answering machine. After the beep I yelled at him, telling him that he hasn't even sent me anything, I told him that I wanted to hear any news from him and stop ignoring my messages. I told him that I missed him so much and to send me anything back so that I would know how he is. I said I was sorry I yelled, and that I just needed him for at least a day, or an hour, a minute? Even just for a second. I told him to please come back home to me.
About an hour later, my phone rang, somebody called back, I ran to my phone and answered it. With a hopeful yet shaky tone I said “Hello?”, but the voice of a woman answered, it wasn’t Chris, it was his mother. At this point I can only hear her murmuring about god damn nonsense again, who is she to call me? And on a time like this? She had so much nerve I just wanna yell at her the moment I heard her voice, or anyone else’s that isn’t Chris. But what really triggered me the most, is when she said “He’s not gonna come back...” I swear to god I felt a nerve popped somewhere in my head. I told her that he’s not gone, I'M JUST BEING HOPEFUL! They never found the body, and I know that my lover will find his way back to me! She started crying and snorting like a god damn pig making me even more pissed, so I told her to stop calling me because I wanted some time alone. The call ended, a week has passed, “He’s gone huh...” I whispered to myself more often than I realized. Maybe... Maybe he will come back home.
Friday. People have been calling me lately, friends, family, churchmates, workmates, everybody. They all thought I was going crazy, but all I want is my Chris to come back home. God please I just want him back home, I will give anything, my everything just to have him back again. Maybe there’s still a chance I can get him back? I could contact people from his work, or his boss, because they never did find the body. Maybe he’s still alive, oh my god he can still be out there, maybe I can talk to the police... FUCK maybe he still has his cellphone! So I dialed his mobile number. Someone picked it up and I told him to not worry and that I will find him where ever he is, that I would do anything to find him and make sure he will me be in my arms again. But before the I can say anything else someone answered me. “Honey...” A sweet, caring and familiar tone... of Chris’s mother. “You have to stop...” She told me while her voice dips into sadness and started crying. I asked her where did she got Chris’s phone and since when did she got it. She told me she had it since Chris was announced missing. She started weeping as she told me that she would hear her son’s voice in the answering machine every time I called on his landline, and that she would hear me talk as if like he’s still around, but in reality, he’s gone... and that I need to accept it. My heart began pounding, rage fueling and my sadness crippling, I feel hurt. Every time... every time I remember him, his stupid laughs, his goofy smile, his poor sense of humor, his warm hugs, his caring voice and the fact that I will never have the chance to feel it again, see him or hear him. He's just gone, just like that, he’s not gonna come back home again. I told her that maybe there's still a chance, but she had to remind me that the fire where Chris worked was extreme and every person working where the fire was were burned to ashes that's why there were no bodies. I was speechless... I put the phone down and all my emotions came bursting out of me. Tears ran down my face, screams came out of me like the thunder raging outside, objects thrown, windows broken, heart pumping, walls breaking, tears kept coming, prayers sounded like begging, on the floor still crying, and lying to myself that he might come back but he won't.
Saturday. I woke up on the floor of my bedroom, it's all messed up, shattered glasses on the floor, cracks all over my plywood walls and my cellphone is outside my window. I'm not sure if I want to pick it up again, it's probably broken. I sat down and just tried to pick up the broken pieces of me, but then again... I will always be broken. I walked to my living room, still hoping to see him and hug me... He would always rush to me whenever he sees me like this, but of course... he's not there. I went to the living room couch and laid down there imagining myself resting my head on his leg while he brushes my hair up telling me he loves me... I will never get to hear him say that again, never.
Rain. The sky began to weep with me, sending me their regards. I spent my whole day on the couch staring at my landline phone on the table. Maybe, probably, still hoping that he might call, that he might still be around, that he might be looking over me. He told me whenever he was waiting for something, he would count to seven. So I stood up, I called his landline again and counted...
1, It rang, but no one answers...
2, I called again, no one answers...
3, I can only hear his hellos from his answering machine...
4, I'm beginning to miss him more whenever I hear his voice in his answering machine...
5, His voice began to be more and more angelic...
6, I can just listen to his voice all day and immortalize him with this call...
7, My seventh missed call, and I decided to give myself a break and just accept the fact the he's gone.
I turned my back against the phone and tried to sleep. It rang but I just ignored it, I thought to myself it's probably just Chris's mom. Seconds later, my answering machine kicked in and after the beep, I heard static and someone murmuring... and then, I heard him... and he said my name...