Even the threads of a universe can grow tangled...

Hideaway | Ray | Past (After This Isn’t Stupid)

“Why not this very moment?” Robert countered, looking a little put out. He much more preferred people not to always question things as much as Shay seemed to. She could never seem to take him at his word and always acted in a word – obstinate. 

In some moments he liked that about her. But this was not one of them. 

“Shay. They need to understand that I don’t care about you.” He tried to explain. Robert knew there was an element of risk to the plan, but he couldn’t see anything with better odds. Certainly nothing clear – thanks to her status in this web. But still, something probable was better than nothing. 

“And we made a deal!” He pulled the clothes back, not wanting to be interrupted from the packing. He needed things to be on their way, working effectively so he could stop worrying about them and move to another topic. Another fire to put out. 

Shay pursed her lips at his question. “Because it’s almost midnight, and–” A sigh escaped her lips at his attitude. Robert was acting like this for a reason and she knew exactly what that was.

“They need to understand or believe?” She retorted, her nose flaring slightly as her tone suddenly becoming angry. “Because those are two very different things, Robert and–and I know you’re angry about the baby not being real, but that’s no reason to push me away!”

This was ridiculous and part of her felt bad for pushing back, for not wanting to keep their agreement, but he was right. They made a deal and as annoyed as Shay was right then, she wasn’t going to back out. 

Why couldn’t she understand he was compartmentalizing? Locking away his feelings because it was necessary. Feelings and emotions were nice, but messy. Enough to get them killed if they weren’t careful. He wasn’t going to let her die, but her staying with him almost certainly guaranteed that. Then came the expected bargaining. 

“Look. I meant what I said but you’re taking it far too personally. As usual.” He huffed, knowing that more likely than not this was going to blow up in his face. As usual. Dealing with Shay was like meddling with explosives. “I’m choosing to not care because I do care. Understand? It’s what’s best for you. That means sending you off to live your life and enjoy your tea and biscuits and whatever else you intend to enjoy.” 

He waved a hand dismissively as if it was too much work to explain any more thoroughly than that. 

Aftermath || Ray

“I realized I wasn’t thinking about us.” Robert answered, “I was thinking about what was best for me; or what I thought was best for me.” Shay was his whole world now, and regardless of what happened now he knew she was his end goal now. Her happiness. He’d spent far too much time thinking about himself in his own conceited thoughts. 

“And you were right.” He said slowly. “I was wrong.” He didn’t care much now who was or wasn’t, but he knew now that the way he’d been living his life wasn’t working. He was getting the same results over and over again, the definition of insanity. 

Robert knew her voice was laced with resentment, but he couldn’t blame her. Everything she felt she had a right to feel. The truth wasn’t something that could be dismissed or denied. 

“Shay — I’m not here because of me.” His voice broke, “Not anymore. I know I can’t make this right –” 

If she wanted him to leave he would. If she wanted him to stay he’d do that too. Right now his priority was what it should have been all along. Her. 

Shay just started at Robert, her eyes hard and yet curious. He was being honest. He’d come back. It was still his fault, mostly, but Robert had come back to fix things in anyway he could. So it was a start. 

Her head turned away from him as she ran a hand through her hair roughly. It was clear that there were conflicting emotions running through her head now. She loved him and hadn’t wanted him to leave her after the incident, but at the same time Shay wanted Robert to leave. Having him hear was both a comfort and a constant reminder that their lives weren’t their own. 

“You’re right.” She finally replied, licking her lips again and turning to meet his eyes. They were filled with a sadness and acceptance Shay hadn’t seen before, which gave her pause. Their world had changed and he was finally accepting that they had to change together. “You can’t make things right, but…you can try to make it better.”

After a moment, she turned away from him and started picking up random things around the apartment, cleaning for something to do. It was mostly a way to keep herself from throwing things at him, but that still wasn’t out of the question. 

She threw laundry into a hamper by the bedroom and some empty Chinese food containers in the trash before turning to him again with a frustrated huff. 

“I don’t know what I want. My emotions are all over the place and have been since you left. One minute I want nothing but for you to hold me and say that everything is going to be okay. Another minute I want to scream and break things, like I did to the bedroom windows. Right now I’m considering throwing things at you.” 

His eyes followed her slowly as she cleaned up various messes in the apartment. Robert had intended to himself, wanting to let her sleep and recover. Only now she had awoken and beaten him to it. 

“If you want me here.” He finally said. “I’ll stay here. If you want me to go. If you need space I can sleep somewhere else --- I don’t need to be here if you don’t want it.” Robert had no intention to run away from the situation now that he’d committed to it, but he wasn’t going to force his presence on her if it wasn’t wanted. 

He fell quiet again. 

Hideaway | Ray | Past (After This Isn’t Stupid)

“I did.” Robert said, moving past her and carrying several items he had likely taken a last minute pass around the house for. He’d wanted to make sure to get as much together as he could, at least the essentials. She’d be traveling and he didn’t want to send her off without her own necessities. It seemed the least he could do given the situation. “And I did.” He said, confirming what he had said and what had been done. 

Things were going to get a little more out of hand in the next few days. Albert was impatient and so was Godfrey. When those two actually aligned in their emotional position things moved quickly, and not in a good way at all. 

Simply put, it wasn’t going to be safe here anymore. 

“I’m packing your things.” He said, “To answer your first question. You’re going to be traveling and you’ll need them.” Robert shook his head when she glared at him. “Oh, don’t give me that look! We both know actually fulfilling your side of the bargain was the last thing on your mind. This –,” He gestured at the clothes. “Is just a little reminder.” 

She was going to be angry and he knew it. Robert also knew there was no avoiding the situation. Most of his and Shay’s interactions varied between the very nice and then the very loud and argumentative. He didn’t need his ability to know it wasn’t the best situation. 

Shay could feel her face heat up with anger, even though there wasn’t a reason for it. He was right, she had promised to leave after a few days and Robert had given her more than enough time. 

“But–” She wanted to make some excuse to stay, but there wasn’t one. Daith had been wrong about the baby, several tests had indicated as much; she wasn’t pregnant. It was a relief knowing that now, given their situation and all that was happening here.

After a moment, Shay walked over and grabbed the clothes in his hand, stopping him from packing for a moment. “Can’t this wait until morning?” She asked, looking a little disconcerted that he was packing her things so late at night. 

She was mad, yes, but a deal was a deal. 

In some moments he liked that about her. But this was not one of them. 

“Shay. They need to understand that I don’t care about you.” He tried to explain. Robert knew there was an element of risk to the plan, but he couldn’t see anything with better odds. Certainly nothing clear -- thanks to her status in this web. But still, something probable was better than nothing. 

@cloakedprobability

Things had been somewhere between tense and calm since their night together. The Ball had been interesting, to say the least, but almost everything after that was fantastic. Honestly, Shay was still in shock that she’d convinced Robert to do anything remotely…normal. 

Though their fight earlier that day had been frustrating and Shay was still surprised that she had let Robert convince her to run away. But it was a compromise. He agreed to give her a few days and she agreed to do something completely out of character. At least being able to come to an agreement meant that whatever their relationship was might actually work. 

It was late as she walked through the font door, having just finished visiting her mother, only to find a suitcase on the couch. Sergeant looked annoyed at the commotion and trotted up to her, tail waggling slowly. “Hey, boy…” Shay muttered, rubbing his head lightly before following the sounds of drawers opening.

“Excuse me. What do you think you’re doing?” Robert was going through her clothes, tossing various items into a second suitcase that was open on the bed. Her brows furrowed together in both confusion and anger. “Robert…” She walked further into the room, her eyes darting between the suitcase and his feverish throwing of clothes. 

Things were going to get a little more out of hand in the next few days. Albert was impatient and so was Godfrey. When those two actually aligned in their emotional position things moved quickly, and not in a good way at all. 

Simply put, it wasn’t going to be safe here anymore. 

“I’m packing your things.” He said, “To answer your first question. You’re going to be traveling and you’ll need them.” Robert shook his head when she glared at him. “Oh, don’t give me that look! We both know actually fulfilling your side of the bargain was the last thing on your mind. This --,” He gestured at the clothes. “Is just a little reminder.” 

buried deep within, there’s a human.

Aftermath || Ray

“How — how could I not —” Robert choked out in answer, feeling her sobs resonate from her. “After you stayed – for me?” It was the question that had hounded him every moment he had thought of leaving it all, from escaping the reality of what he’d created. She had stayed through everything. Through Godfrey, Continuance, the portal, even after he’d screamed at her to leave she’d never left his side. 

He hated himself for what he’d done, but he hated himself even more for what he’d considered. What he’d almost actually done. 

Shay was the most precious thing in his life. He couldn’t just leave. 

Then she was apologizing and he froze, the words sounding wrong as they came from her mouth. How could she apologize? For what? Telling him the truth? He took her head in his hands, cradling her. “No.” His blue eyes connected with hers, an intenseness to them. “I am the one — who is sorry.” His voice broke. 

He didn’t care about the fights or the name calling. She had only been trying to help him and he’d refused to see any of it. 

If anything — she was right.

As Robert took her face in his hands, Shay swallowed nervously and took several more deep breaths to calm down. As happy as she was that Robert had come back, part of her still wanted to fight and throw things and even punch him. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it now. It was still too fresh and she needed his comfort more than her own small revenge. 

When Robert forced their eyes to meet and apologized, Shay let out a choked sob, a hand reaching up to touch his face gently. There was no need for her to accept his apology, and somewhere deep down, she didn’t want to. But part of this had been her fault too. He caused the scenario, but Shay had stepped into it, even after all Robert’s warnings. 

All Shay could do was nod at his words, licking her lips slowly. 

Several minutes passed as they just stood there, gazing at one another, before pulling away. She wiped a few tears from her face and glanced at Sergeant who had somehow come to lay on the floor beside them.

It took her a few more minutes to look Robert over and force her heart rate to slow down. Finally, she looked back up at him and sighed heavily before speaking, her words a bit more controlled than her previous hysterics.

“And you were right.” He said slowly. “I was wrong.” He didn’t care much now who was or wasn’t, but he knew now that the way he’d been living his life wasn’t working. He was getting the same results over and over again, the definition of insanity. 

Robert knew her voice was laced with resentment, but he couldn’t blame her. Everything she felt she had a right to feel. The truth wasn’t something that could be dismissed or denied. 

“Shay --- I’m not here because of me.” His voice broke, “Not anymore. I know I can’t make this right --” 

Aftermath || Ray

Robert’s heart broke in that moment. Seeing her like that, so broken, hurt him far more than anything had in the last few days. His body moved before he could think, catching her in his arms and pulling her close. 

“No. No. No I’m not leaving.” His words felt weak, ineffective sounds that couldn’t heal the wound he’d inflicted. 

He felt the tears finally come to him, everything he’d been holding inside. 

She had been there for him when no one else had. She’d made him not only live again – but feel. She’d broken down wall after wall only for him to try and rebuild, and now he’d done something he could never change or take back. He had no right to touch her, he knew that. No right to stay in her life, and no right to think anything else. 

She hadn’t yelled at him. She hadn’t said anything that she had the right to. All that had come from her was a plea. A plea he couldn’t refuse. 

She needed him.

Shay hadn’t expected him to move, let alone take her in his arms. She didn’t fight him and instead, let herself completely lean into his touch, the support a welcome change from the past several days. 

Her head buried into his neck as tears started rolling down her face again, hot and fast, staining Robert’s shirt. What was there to say? Nothing that would make sense or even come out of her mouth correctly right now. Shay had expected him to be gone for weeks, months, or even years. They both had said and done things to each other that shouldn’t have happened. 

And yet here he was.

She lifted her arms and wrapped them around his neck, not wanting to let go any time soon. It took her several minutes to calm down to an acceptable level before she pulled away slightly and looked up at Robert, touching his face and neck.

“You came back…I—I didn’t think you would.” Her voice was raspy and low, all of the crying having hurt her throat slightly. She sniffled a few times and choked back a fresh sob before continuing. 

He hated himself for what he’d done, but he hated himself even more for what he’d considered. What he’d almost actually done. 

Shay was the most precious thing in his life. He couldn’t just leave. 

Then she was apologizing and he froze, the words sounding wrong as they came from her mouth. How could she apologize? For what? Telling him the truth? He took her head in his hands, cradling her. “No.” His blue eyes connected with hers, an intenseness to them. “I am the one --- who is sorry.” His voice broke. 

He didn’t care about the fights or the name calling. She had only been trying to help him and he’d refused to see any of it. 

Aftermath || Ray

Robert’s glance fell to the knife, a brief wondering if she had known it was him and whether the implement might be meant for him. A moment later and it was clear she wasn’t going to use it on him for the moment. 

His heart was thumping in his chest. 

He hadn’t done this before, hadn’t ever wanted to. Running had been the safest option. But somehow he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. 

“I couldn’t stay away.” Robert finally answered her, his own voice sounding much too airy and quiet in the dark. She hated him — she had to — Robert knew. There wasn’t any forgiveness for what he’d done. There wasn’t a chance she’d take him back. There was no point to being here. Things had been decided the moment he had made that stupid choice. 

Still, he couldn’t leave. 

There was no way he could possibly make this right — but he needed to. More than anything he’d ever wanted it was burning within him, this need to fix things. Even if the end result didn’t have room for him.

He didn’t want to leave.

She couldn’t hear anything except the pounding in her ears. His lips were moving, but Shay couldn’t make the words out. “I–” It felt like something was stuck in her throat. 

“You–you left m–me.” 

Yes, it had only been days, but they had been harder on her than those months captured by Albert and Godfrey last year. She’d been alone to deal with something her mind just couldn’t wrap itself around.

The knife in her hand slipped her her fingers as Shay’s hands started to shake slightly, hitting the floor with a loud thud. “I needed you, I–” She shook her head, feeling tears run down her face at the sight of him. Part of her still needed him, but she wasn’t ready to admit it aloud just yet. She wanted answers. 

Her voice was barely a whisper when Shay spoke again. “Please don’t leave me again.” She wanted to throw something at him, but also wanted nothing more than to have Robert comfort her. It was confusing.

“No. No. No I’m not leaving.” His words felt weak, ineffective sounds that couldn’t heal the wound he’d inflicted. 

He felt the tears finally come to him, everything he’d been holding inside. 

She had been there for him when no one else had. She’d made him not only live again -- but feel. She’d broken down wall after wall only for him to try and rebuild, and now he’d done something he could never change or take back. He had no right to touch her, he knew that. No right to stay in her life, and no right to think anything else. 

She hadn’t yelled at him. She hadn’t said anything that she had the right to. All that had come from her was a plea. A plea he couldn’t refuse. 

Robert had quite lost track of time. 

He couldn’t remember how many days it had been; how many nights; or how many Continuance remnants he had hunted out. Everything in his body hurt; he had overdone it but had been unable to stop. Had craved the pain. Robert had created a hurricane of noise in some mad endeavor; somehow thinking overwhelming every one of his senses might drown out that one feeling he’d been unable to escape. 

He’d wanted to run. 

After everything that had happened – the sheer impossibility of him even surviving these events – let alone have even the slightest chance of happiness again — only for him to destroy it all. 

It was a mistake. Just like the one he had made before, but worse. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t tear it out of his head. He could only think about what he’d done and all the other paths that had been open to him – and if only he’d taken just one. When he had finally managed to find the spine to return, he’d limped up the stairs, a willful blow he’d sustained purposely from a fight. He wanted to feel, wanted to hurt. Nothing helped. Nothing could make this better. 

He’d lost himself, needing to do something mindless. The apartment was a mess. He couldn’t bring himself to talk to Shay yet. She wouldn’t want to see him. She’d be done — just like everyone else. Because of him. 

Sergeant was laying on the bed with her when both of them looked up at a noise in the living room. Shay wiped a few tears from her cheek and, out of habit, grabbed a knife from the nightstand before slowly getting out of bed and walking towards the door. 

She had to step around several items, barely missing some broken glass, before making it to the hallway. All the lights were off, which left an eerie glow and feeling to the apartment, but Shay could make out a figure near the door. Tall. Gangly. 

“Ro–robert?” It couldn’t have been him. He wouldn’t come back. Robert was too ashamed to face her and even she knew that. Or at least, that’s what Shay thought. But clearly he was standing there on the other side of the apartment. 

She walked over towards the wall and flicked a switch, eyes squinting in the light. It really was him. 

Shay’s eyes fell to the floor. What was she suppose to say to him? He’d abandoned. Sure, it had only been a few days, but Robert should have been there to grieve with her all of that time. 

His heart was thumping in his chest. 

He hadn’t done this before, hadn’t ever wanted to. Running had been the safest option. But somehow he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. 

“I couldn’t stay away.” Robert finally answered her, his own voice sounding much too airy and quiet in the dark. She hated him --- she had to --- Robert knew. There wasn’t any forgiveness for what he’d done. There wasn’t a chance she’d take him back. There was no point to being here. Things had been decided the moment he had made that stupid choice. 

Still, he couldn’t leave. 

There was no way he could possibly make this right --- but he needed to. More than anything he’d ever wanted it was burning within him, this need to fix things. Even if the end result didn’t have room for him.

@secretsheldoraverage

It had been a few days since the nightmare. Sometimes, Shay could still feel shadows of blood running down her stomach. Robert leaving had put her in a bad place mentally. She hadn’t left the house in days, let alone showered. Shay had sat in bed in the fetal position, only getting up to pee, walk Sergeant, or occasionally grab food. Though honestly, no matter what she ate, nothing tasted the same. Part of her didn’t want to eat anything.

At night, she tossed and turned in her sleep, sometimes falling off the bed or screaming herself awake and accidentally shattering glasses in the house. Apparently some of the neighbors had complained, but there was nothing she could do. It was part of the reason Shay hadn’t let Alex or anyone else stay in the apartment with her. Occasionally, someone would stop by with food, but it would almost always end up in the trash after a few bites. 

He couldn’t remember how many days it had been; how many nights; or how many Continuance remnants he had hunted out. Everything in his body hurt; he had overdone it but had been unable to stop. Had craved the pain. Robert had created a hurricane of noise in some mad endeavor; somehow thinking overwhelming every one of his senses might drown out that one feeling he’d been unable to escape. 

He’d wanted to run. 

After everything that had happened -- the sheer impossibility of him even surviving these events -- let alone have even the slightest chance of happiness again --- only for him to destroy it all. 

It was a mistake. Just like the one he had made before, but worse. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t tear it out of his head. He could only think about what he’d done and all the other paths that had been open to him -- and if only he’d taken just one. When he had finally managed to find the spine to return, he’d limped up the stairs, a willful blow he’d sustained purposely from a fight. He wanted to feel, wanted to hurt. Nothing helped. Nothing could make this better.