âIâve had an awful time, Cass. I havenât the slightest idea â really I havenât â what I really feel about him. Heâs so very odd. I donât understand what heâs saying half the time. Or why he â Sometimes so desperate and insistent. Sometimes just standoffish and kind. Iâve never felt so uncertain in my life. And begging, and begging.⌠And then, just when you give in, just going off ââ
Her voice rose. âCass, youâve got to listen, youâre the only person I know, youâre the only one whoâd understand.â
âClearly I wouldnât understand. That seems to me all thatâs certain.â
âNo, you must let me talk, this time. Weâve got to clear this up. Weâve got to go on knowing each other all our lives. Cass, being friends with you is more important in the long run than anything Simon can ever mean to me.â
âThere is no good to be done by talking.â
âOh, there is, there is. Cassandra, I know â with Simon â you think I â only because you ââ
âYes,â said Cassandra. She stood with secateurs dangling and held her face together.
âBut you know thatâs unjust. What about him, then? What about him? Isnât he someone, doesnât he want things and do things, didnât he start it? I told him I couldnât because of you. If only you hadnât â But he does exist, I canât just not notice him.â
âWhy must everything always be my fault?â Because it was, Cassandra had thought. She had thought, too, that Julia needed to tell her the details because whatever they had done was not real or finished until she had been made to be the audience, fully informed. As though they were only acting out her fate, her story; their love, or whatever it was, was simply a function of her own fear. Well, it should stay that way; she would not lose what power she had by becoming involved as an actor, or suffering with Julia. That would be the final constriction, the final limitation. She would keep what freedom detachment, or ignorance, provided.
âYou must let me tell you.â
âWhen youâve learned you canât have things both ways,â said Cassandra, âyouâll begin to grow up. I donât want to know.â
She walked round her sister, head up, her arms full of branches and flowers. Behind her she heard Julia running, stumbling, in the other direction. She thought that Julia knew where she was vulnerable but could never really believe it, and so was compelled to go on probing. This was only partly Juliaâs fault. She felt â as she often felt when she had just parted from Julia â a kind of useless, accepting affection; an inactive understanding.
And then she had been hurt by the phrase âjust when you give inâ. She had, perhaps, after all, allowed herself to be told too much.
â "The Game" by A. S. Byatt