i'm feeling too much

i have so much pent up anger and im tired and lonely but i have the most negative mentality ive ever had in my god damn life AHHHHHHHHHHHH

hi lads, long time no post on this blog. ive gotten bold enough to post on my main. but anyway its that time where i google "how much sleepaid will kill me"!

why am i feeling this way Hmmm...

i love having to console my mom and her parentalizing me

im not "petty" but thats the word i want to use as this is such a superficial issue. i dont have a prom date and i feel like my partner doesnt even care, and i dont have any after prom plans like everyone going down the shore bc i have no close friends haha

i feel like people dont really care about my feelings or me as a whole haha

when ur therapist writes that his significant other will *** and u gotta Not do ur compulsion 🙃

im so glad im alone so no one sees me randomly twitching and jerking my head or shaking/flapping my hands in panic

i am so blessed to have a therapist that actually helps me and understands (he has a fuckin degree in trauma studies so) and doesnt spew yoga bullshit at me so i cant. really blame him when i'm depressed and he cant help. he's pulled me out of bottom of the barrel super suicidal situations just by talking to me on the phone but rn nothings really helping and i cant derive joy from much. and i mean its not like hes spewing bullshit at me, i know he suffers from depression too. im just. in this state and nothing is seeming to work to help

it’s very strange how like my mom is scared of my mental health getting “as bad as it was as sophomore year” because like. yeah, i was extremely suicidal sophomore year and depressed and missed 45 days of school bc of that and physical illness. but i’d say i’ve hit worse points but just not for longer periods of time. i’ve gone to more lengths of self destruction and just like the feelings are so strong i haven’t it’s not i have been exempt from all extremely bad points bc i say i’ve been at even worse points but just not for as long

im sobbing i wish i was the prime age of 5 again when my mom and dad loved each other and me and i didnt have to worry about everything

everything is and will go to shit so im just gonna take 5 xanax and black out

they were kissing my neck and i didnt want them to but i didnt say anything and they didnt ask and also i didnt want to like do any deep kissing and i tried to move my head back but i guess i wasnt obvious enough. anyway like thats okay its just a mistake on my part w communication! and ive just been in a really agitated mood and i dont want people touching me all that much and i mean we were all flopped over each other which was fine but i didnt want to do anything of that sort. its okay though but yeah :^(

i was talking to my therapist (obviously) and one thing we brought up was like. death and my parents dying and right before we delved in he was like "we can talk or think about it and it doesnt mean itll happen" and i was like how...Am i that predictable...and other things how i'm really scared of change and especially large change but even small stuff like changing the position of my bed brings up thoughts of "i cant something bad will happen" and he was like wow that's Such an ocd thing which i knew but also one thing was like doing a compulsion to prevent someone from getting hurt and i was like it hasn't failed me yet!!! and he said the same thing omg

i told my therapist how my mom said to find someone to go to my graduation and how im basically s******* in my texts and he said if she wouldnt he'd go to my graduation and i started crying lol