Horcrux #5

I’ve been taking meds for about five months now for adhd. And this past month, I didn’t take it at all because I was abroad in a country that didn’t allow it. I noticed a few things:

1. My mind works FAST. So fast my travel buddies couldn’t always keep up.

2. I keep interrupting or saving thoughts for later. I can’t always listen to what others are saying or process my feelings.

3. I chase that feeling of what I want.

4. When I want something, I need it now. I’m impulsive.

5. I have no concept of time.

6. I fixate on things. To the point where small things will give me anxiety that I need to be comforted over.

7. I can’t always fight my emotions and can get irritable, especially if I don’t rest or unwind.

8. I’m still a “do it later” or “it’ll work out” person.

9. I’m not dangerous, though! Just irresponsible.

10. I’m forgetful. The one tactic I’ve taught myself is to double check an area before I leave.

11. Again, I’m impulsive (re: perm).

12. Getting out of bed feels disabling, even if it’s for things I somewhat want to do because I’ve made a long list.

13. My mind feels chaotic.

14. Schedules feel like a trap.

15. If I have one thing I need to do at the end of the day, I can’t do anything else because I’m worried I’ll miss it. Then I’ll miss it anyway. OR I’ll decide to do all these things before hand and can’t do anything until those are done.

16. I can’t see consequences.

17. I rely on past successful narrowly avoided circumstances as law.

18. Rules are just a suggestion.

19. I don’t like showering maybe because I don’t like to get wet?

20. I hate hygiene.

21. I have NO MEMORY.

22. I do not notice anything around me.

23. I do not care about money.

Basically, things that are normal for me, I didn’t realize are related to adhd. I didn’t realize it was that bad until people I’m not normally around are with me.

I actually thought it was fun because I felt very childlike. However, does this mean it’s because I associate my adhd chaos with my childhood? Is that… fun for me?

I thought that my adhd was especially bad and getting worse this trip. Actually, no my friend… I think it’s always been this bad and you just noticed it now because you saw how things are when you are medicated.