Heartsease

sleeve—not in the soft way you sigh when you

inhale the smell of my shampoo or in the

sincerity of your eyes and how they never leave

me. i wasn't supposed to feel like you were

trouble when your stubble nonchalantly brushes

over my cheek and in the way your laughter

sounds when i ask you to shave. trouble

shouldn't be sitting in such places.

no one's watching you.

if you miss a note, you make sure to hit the next one. but keep going.

your song is important. your song is brilliant. keep going.

in

love,

all over again 

is like

getting lost in your own house. 

now. 

i'm afraid 

it will leave my heart soon enough. 

till you can see

every bone of this body

screaming out for you.

& let me say your name

again & again & again.

till it melts in your mouth.

till your name is on your lips.

till your name is not your name,

but an anthem.

or a prayer.

& it's saying:

don't stop.

not tonight.

and things fall in place

and i believed that

the moment we met.

but today,

my heartaches are getting more painful

than all yesterdays we hurt separately.

[my mind has become a calculator]

I'm always counting and trying to forget

these numbers.

but these numbers,

they're everywhere:

when i touch your cheek,

i see 368

and then when we kiss,

some days, i swear

211 burns in the back of my mind

and on the days

that i don't hear from you

it's 120?

79?

56?

baby, the thing is,

our hearts are not meant to be placed on timers

our ribs are enough of a cage for them

then why

does this pain

become so habitual

that today, i am numb?

my hand is outstretched,

not in a patient wait,

which is usual of lovers,

but in just a soft knowledge

that soon, it will be

38,

and soon it will be 12

as he touches me with rough hands.

i looked and looked and looked

and at every corner

i found something i loved

so i plucked it softly

and put it in a world for myself.

(it has been the only way

and i always thought that if i wait, patiently,

love will come to me. it did.

but i didn't know that for love to stay,

one had to run and chase,

crawl on their belly,

be true and fight and fight relentlessly.

i didn't know love was

to grow and grow and grow

till we became.

the day is kind

and the wind is here.

what are you waiting for?

crossed dangerous waters,

fought through ravaging storms

and fended off every pirate,

but look at us now.

the water has stopped

rushing,

now the waves are barely waves.

the world has come to a standstill,

and the compasses have gone awry.

there is no land for as far and wide

as we can see.

and on the mast, we stand,

staring at each other,