I finally understand, with clear eyes and a clear mind; you were the missing piece. Since we last spoke, I’ve looked for you in every person, except I didn’t acknowledge or understand I was doing this until now. I’d vocally tell each partner or fling of mine that they reminded me of you somehow. The thing is though, I’ve come to find no one I thought resembled you even came close to the person you were and I know you are irreplaceable. After every unfortunate outcome with someone I’d literally think to myself, ‘this person isn’t A – A would never have done this to me. A would have been so much kinder, gentler, better.’
There was a time I thought I saw you on a train somewhere, and I lost my breath. It was during a really difficult time and I knew you would have been there for me if you could have been. I’m sure it wasn’t you, but it was such a heavy reminder, I cried the rest of the day.
That’s the thing, though, A. You come to mind first during any difficult time I’m going through. Sometimes I still feel like you’re here and a part of me hopes in some way you are because I still can’t imagine my life without you, but here I am. I really wish you hadn’t left this world. It was too soon. I wonder what life would have been like if you hadn’t. I wonder what you’d be doing if you hadn’t (my guess is ‘amazing things’). I doubt you knew what an impact you actually had on me, many didn’t know then either, but now they do.
I’m glad we told each that we liked one another before you died, I liked you way more than I lead on, but I’m just glad I was able to at least tell you some and I’m glad you told me. If only we had more time to share and show one another just how much we cared. I love you and miss you, A. Always. I’d be lucky to find someone as good-natured and genuine as you were. I’ll try not to compare again though. You were one of a kind. We all are.
I have no idea if there’s an afterlife, or what it’s like, but if there is – I hope you’re saving me a spot for when it’s my time. I want to see you and hug you first for a solid 10 minutes without letting go, then look you in the eyes and say, ‘thank you, thank you for being you, thank you for showing me love when I needed it, and thank you for being there when you were - I love you’.