Occasionally Positive

They no longer need food or drink. We thought for days he would live, and we thought eating and drinking was a sign he would. But he told us he didn’t need any sustenance. We didn’t believe him but we should’ve. Nothing matters except your loved ones in the end. Number 2. In the end, nothing matters except the love you gave, and the love you received. That’s a lesson learned when you’ve lost a…

It’s my birthday. Except I’m a twin. And my twin died years ago. I don’t have the same “celebrate me” instinct that most have. It’s a bittersweet day for me. What and where would he be today. We’d be there for each other when our dad died. We’d worry about our mom together. I know he’s with me. At all times. I don’t know what true loneliness feels like because I have him. Still. Yet…

I remember as a kid, my brother being so close to Sarah Dawson. If he had a choice to play with any of the cousins on the Dawson side. It was her. Continue reading My reminder of loyalty

The state of affairs are grim at best right now in America. “The land of the free” is most definitely not. We have this new faction called ICE, whose main job is to obtain anyone who seems like they’re “not supposed to be here”. By that I mean, anyone who isn’t white, speaks with an accent that isn’t identifiable as “American.“ Funny because this country was seized by force and its natives…

Everything put forth has an effect on public opinion. For instance: in this age of social media, things happening in Minnesota are being recorded and commented on. If we think of “the chicken before the egg” what we’re experiencing in a global sense is, the egg before the chick But, as Americans, we know the opposite. Our country was founded because a certain faction wanted religious…

I was in the room when my dad died. There is a process. His feet and calves were ice cold hours before he died. It took two days in hospice. We knew he was dying when he got there. His eyes were not focused. He was already talking to some people only he could see. He seemed terrified. He clearly wasn’t ready. The nurse asked if he was in pain. He said “I’m not in any pain”. He could no…

The other day, I was on the subway and I saw these two young men talking to one young female. The two young men were doing everything they could to convince her to “hang out”. They were so respectful and kind to her. It took 4 stops to establish that they all would “hang” later that day. The female would provide a “friend” They talked and vaped, they all shared a vape, clearly they didn’t…

Lost to the living. Because they don’t understand what that’s like. I live in a half way. Because I lost half of me. That’s how I’ve felt since I lost my twin at 19. When he died, I felt it. But I still feel him here. I don’t know what it’s like to be truly alone. I imagine it’s a horrible feeling. I feel him with me at all times even though he’s not here to protect me. I can protect…

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I post things on this site, on facebook about things that happened to me. Then I think about how these posts will affect me. I will come off as “weak” I will come off as “unprofessional”. I feel strong about posting these things for a second. I know, I will be seen as a cry baby. As someone who can’t deal with adversity. A “snowflake”. I know I’m not. I know I’m strong. My experience is of…

I know everyone says that but I mean it. As a kid, my parents switched off, she worked nights, he worked days. My brother and I never knew this. We just felt supported at all times. They didn’t have a lot of money but I never knew it. I consider myself privileged. I’m privileged because I look white, but I’m privileged in other ways too. Because I had parents who allowed me be a child. I…

I hold trauma. I think a lot of us do. How do we deal with it? Do we hold it alone? No we don’t. We don’t need to talk about these traumas with our parents, we do if we’re children but not as adults. As adults we need to be there for our parents so discussion of these traumas is counter productive We rely on our friends, personal and online. Sometimes an online comment “I went through the…

Every family has that forbidden topic. That black sheep. That thing no one wants to talk about. In my family, it’s sexual abuse. I was abused by an older cousin. This was witnessed, via being shoved into a closet, by my twin and my cousin who was our age. This caused my twin to resent me and act violently towards me in our teens. He hated what happened and I think didn’t know who to blame. He…

In my heightened state, menopause, I see things I can’t ignore. Injustice for instance or impatience with things. Like today in my managerial duties, I listened to a younger woman in middle management tell me a male who was in upper management “got in her face” and aggressively admonished her and even threatened to “See what happenes.” Apparently she laughed at this aggression as most women…

There’s a wedding in my family. Some are invited some are not. This brings a lot of shit up. Why some and not others? In this specific situation it goes back to my dad’s generation. My dad his sister & brother and their cousins. It makes me think of my cousins. On my dad’s side, there were three. Me, my twin Bobby and our cousin Damon. We went through all kinds of shit including my sexual…

I’ve been googling this because I think I have this. It would explain so much. I have instances where I feel under attack. It can come about suddenly. I react/retract like someone seeing bombs drop. Then I have to pick up the pieces of my reaction/retraction. I also have instances of standing still. Like the smallest or most mundane tasks are anxiety inducing. For instance, I have two…