Hi sorry tumblr I forgot about you but just to update - I am doing pretty well and working lots and still staying away from the evil ex so things are good and i hope you are good too xxx

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@cigmond
Hi sorry tumblr I forgot about you but just to update - I am doing pretty well and working lots and still staying away from the evil ex so things are good and i hope you are good too xxx

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welcome back. glad to hear you are better/getting better. I know I am just some random off the internet, but I really do wish you all the best. knowing you are ok makes me happy. sorry if that sounds weird.
hey, that doesnāt sound weird at all, it actually sounds very sweet and kind and nice. thank you x
the very well adjusted girlās guide to dealing with a break up (week three):
- work work work. it distracts me, often entertains me, and $$$. i worked pretty much the entire weekend and when iām at work, my mind isnāt in overdrive thinking about my ex and all the shitty things i went through this year like it often is when iām at home. and when i work that much, by the time i get home iām so tired that i just sleep instead of sitting around thinking too much and driving myself crazy.
- stayed up all night one night reading all of cat marnellās old xojane articles and making a list of makeup and skin care products to buy.
- music! i didnāt get to listen to music apart from like top 40 radio in the car for pretty much the past year. albums iāve been playing a lot: The Con, So Jealous and Sainthood - Tegan and Sara, Fantasies - Metric, In Utero - Nirvana, Deja Entendu - Brand New, Live Through This - Hole, Americaās Sweetheart - Courtney Love, and anything by The Weeknd when Iām getting ready to go out.
- kept myself so busy that there were almost entire days that went by when i didnāt think about my ex and all the rest of it. where i almost felt like my old self again.
- xanax is a lifesaver for those times where iām exhausted from thinking thinking thinking but canāt get my mind to be quiet so i can get some sleep.
- drinking at least four 600ml bottles of water every day.
- going through drawers of old mascaras and makeup products i havenāt used in forever and throwing away so much crap that i donāt even know why i still had.
- i still have this underlying anxiety almost constantly but i can feel that itās getting so much better than it was a week ago, i can feel that iām getting so much better than i was a week ago.
For all my rambling and babbling, I am truly so thankful and glad and grateful to be here now and to be free and to do what I want to do and talk to who I want to and all the rest. Like, it was a really really bad 18 months. I donāt think I can even really, properly, explain how bad it was. There were months there where he would threaten to kill me or to kill me and then kill himself and I genuinely would wish that he would just do it, because that would have been preferable compared to being alive and being with him and for all this shit to have kept going on and on.Ā
There was one night where he threatened to jump off a hotel balcony and I wished that he would do it. There was another night where I climbed onto the rail of a hotel balcony and was furious and heartbroken when he grabbed me and dragged me inside before I could jump off. I was heartbroken because I just wanted to be dead and gone so that I could be free, I was heartbroken to still be alive and to have to keep going through all the shit he was putting me through.
It got really bad. Now that iām free and safe and remembering how to do all these little things that I used to take for granted, Iām so happy that I am alive and that Iām getting a chance to start fixing my life and talk to my friends again and all the rest of it. Itās just hard to sort of come back to real, normal life after all that and Iām just figuring out how to make sense of things in a way that I can feel normal again and eventually get past all of this and feel like a real, normal person again. This stuff is incredibly hard but Iām also incredibly glad that I get to be here and try to work my way back to who I was.

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@watermellowtune - yeah i feel like itās because we look back at past experiences and if either of us ever did anything mean to somebody it was in response to something mean they had done, it was in reaction to something. so then we try to apply this like, ānormal good personā type logic to the situation and keep trying to find what it was that we did that was so horrible for somebody to do something so horrible to us in response so that it makes sense to us.
but i guess the problem is weāre applying ourĀ ānormal good personā logic to people and situations where it just doesnāt apply because weāre not dealing withĀ ānormal good peopleā, weāre dealing with evil people who just do random, horrible things and arenāt operating under the normal rules/morals/etc that weāre used to. but itās so hard to just stop trying to figure it out and accept that it wasnāt really anything to do with us or our actions or anything that we could control in any way :( xx
I hate to sound all whiny and sorry for myself (but pretty much exactly how Iām feeling tbh) but every time I think about it, itās all just not fair. Like I spent three years addicted to fucking heroin and finally got clean, I was in a relationship with my best friend who was the most wonderful person for seven years and we had only just admitted that long term we werenāt going to be together, I had just started working at a job that I was comfortable and happy at, I was making enough money to start saving while still being able to pay my rent and bills and buy whatever random stuff I felt like buying. I was getting my shit together, I was in a good place, I was figuring stuff out and most of the time I was happy and I was proud of myself for getting through so much bullshit.
Like, why couldnāt I just have that? Why was that the exact moment that I had to meet this guy who would come in and just completely destroy everything and take everything that I had and fuck with my head so much that itās like, I donāt even feel like Iām back at square one. With all the shit he put me through and all the stuff Iām still trying to understand and work out I feel like Iām at square -3000.Ā
I think thereās some point where you look at all the horrible things this person did to you and some part of you thinks, well if I really was that good of a person surely somebody wouldnāt do all of that to me. So there must some explanation, some evil part of you deep down that can explain why somebody like that would be drawn to you and why somebody would want to do such awful things to you. Like intellectually, I know thatās nonsense and I know that itās not my fault and I didnāt deserve this but the part of my brain that understands cause/reaction needs to be able to relate this to previous experiences in order to make sense of it and just keeps goingĀ āwell dig deeper, think more about things that you did and there has to be something in there that explains this.ā I know that thereās not but the random unfairness of it all just makes it even harder to process and understand.
One of the last arguments I had with my ex, and the argument that made me just likeĀ āI have to end this, I have to get away from this personā (I knew I didnāt want to be with him for a long time and I tried to break it off so many times but this was the thing that made me realise, I have to end this very soon, I cannot keep letting this go on) was about a bottle of vodka.
So about a year ago he and I had bought this bottle of vodka, one of those little plastic Smirnoff ones, and neither of us are big drinkers so we probably had like two drinks each and this almost full bottle had been sitting around in my room ever since. At some point I was tidying up and I put it on top of the fridge, and at some other point it fell off the fridge and was lying on the ground near the fridge for ages because I was just lazy and left it there. Eventually I was tidying up and I picked up the bottle and saw that it was empty. When it fell off the fridge the plastic lid had broken and I guess the vodka had leaked out under the fridge and evaporated. This is quite literally the most boring story ever and I canāt actually believe I am recounting it or that I have ever had any sort of conversation about it. Anyway, I threw the empty bottle away and yeah, that was that.
A few weeks later my ex was looking around the room and asked me what happened to that bottle of vodka which was weird in itself, like who even notices/cares about something like that? So I told him the above story of what had happened to that incredibly important bottle of vodka. And he didnāt believe me, he kept saying stop lying, just tell me the truth and I kept saying Iāve already told you the truth, what else can I say?! I mean, if I was hiding something and lying, wouldnāt I have been able to think up a better story than that? Anyway, he was convinced that I secretly drank it with somebody (who? I didnāt talk to anyone at that point, there was nobody to be secretly drinking vodka with. And when would I have even had time to do that, he was basically with me 24/7) and just kept accusing me of lying and telling me to tell the truth. This all somehow comes to a point where he is screaming at me,Ā āI CANāT BELIEVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!ā and Iām just like, what the fuck is even happening here, I threw away an empty bottle, how did it escalate to this complete insanity?
And about a week later I asked him to leave for the hundredth time (he had moved into my house, not because I wanted him to or had invited him to but he got kicked out of his house and just ended up moving in and even though it was the last thing I wanted, it was what he wanted to do so thatās what happened), he left for about three hours and then came back and spent nine hours (yes, nine hours) knocking on my door asking me to let him in before I finally called the cops and blah blah blah and then here we are now. I just realised at some point that you cannot have a conversation with somebody who is acting like that, you canāt reason with irrationality, the more irrational he became the more I realised how unsafe I was and how I couldnāt keep waiting for a better time to end it, I had to put myself and my safety first and do everything I could to get away from him.
I think with every argument I ever had with him I was looking at it from the idea of a normal, healthy relationship. Tom and I were together for seven years, we obviously had plenty of arguments and disagreements but we loved each other and the common goal was always to just understand where the other person was coming from, to compromise and find a solution where we were both happy. But with my ex it was never about compromising or understanding the other point of view, it was baseless accusations and horrible name calling and him bringing up every single thing I had supposedly ever done wrong and the argument couldnāt end until I had admitted that I was a monster and I was 100% wrong and he was 100% right. Even when I did just agree with him, it still wouldnāt be over, he would want to just keep on and on about how awful I was and how wrong I was and how I had done all these horrible, unforgivable things (but if I ever dared to bring up anything he had done in the past, like oh I donāt know him threatening me with a knife for example, it wasĀ āthat was so long ago, itās in the past, you have to get over itā etc).Ā
There were just these little things that would happen or he would do where I would be shocked and tell him that what he had done or said wasnāt ok but somehow I would let them go. And eventually there were bigger things, like the first time he called me a bitch and slut and all these horrible names in an argument. I was shaking and just listening in complete shock, nobody had ever spoken to me like that in my entire life, I couldnāt even believe that anybody would talk to somebody like that. But somehow he apologised and acted as though he understood how wrong it was and understood that he could not speak to me like that, until the next time he did it. It just went on and on with him apologising and convincing me that he understood what I was saying and me giving him another chance and me letting all these things go until it got to a point where I couldnāt believe I was in this relationship with this awful person who did and said such horrible things to me but by that point I was stuck. I had left him before and my friends and my sister had been there for me and had taken care of me and I had told them some of the things he had done so when he ended up convincing me to get back together with him, I avoided seeing them. What could I say if I had lunch with my sister, oh yeah well forget about that time he tried to kill me because things with us are really great now! Or how could I tell my best friend the latest horrible thing he had done because she had been so amazing when Iād left him and now Iād let her down and gone back to him so, you know, told you so. I didnāt feel like I could burden anyone with how unhappy I was because I had gone back to him and I had let everyone down so I couldnāt drag them back into my mess, they didnāt deserve it.
I donāt know, Iām probably just rambling on and on. I should just be happy that Iāve left him and that Iām free and Iām starting to fix everything that he ruined. And donāt get me wrong, I am so happy to be free, but thereās just so much stuff still taking up space in my head because while it was happening I was so isolated and so alone and had nobody to talk about it with except for him. And when the only person you talk to is the person who is telling you youāre always wrong and accusing you of absolute bullshit all the time and telling you that you think/feel/do things that you donāt think or feel or do.... idk I think you start to feel like youāre crazy.
Iām sorry if all these long posts are boring or a downer or just generally pretty shit. Iām just so confused and trying to figure out/understand so many things and trying to remember who I am and get back to being myself again and I think it helps a little to just write it all down. idk. I suppose I could just write it all in some word document on my computer but I guess by sharing it with other people somehow it makes me feel a little bit better? I spent so long not sharing anything with anybody and now Iām probably over-sharing but with everything at the moment I donāt really know what Iām supposed to be doing or feeling or saying etc.
I think that I fell for and then got caught up in so much bullshit with my ex because I am, deep down, just a genuine and honest and idk, good and kind person. And until I met him I guess I was naive because I assumed everybody else was too, I didnāt think about ulterior motives or anything like that, nobody had ever given me any reason to.
So when I would say something and he would completely misconstrue what I had said and tell me I had meant something that I hadnāt meant at all, I would just think that he had misunderstood and would spend so much time trying to clarify what I meant and trying so hard to explain myself in a way that made sense and that he would understand. It didnāt even enter my head that somebody would be purposely misconstruing what I said or twisting it around into telling me that I meant something that I knew I didnāt mean. When he would tell me that I thought something I didnāt think or that I had acted in way that I knew I hadnāt, I would believe these were all genuine misunderstandings and I would spend so much time trying to explain myself, never thinking that it was anything other than a weird miscommunication. Then as time went on I started to realise that I was trying to rationally reason with somebody who was acting completely irrationally and no matter what I said, it didnāt make any difference.
I had never had a partner ask to look through my phone before. And the first times he did and I tried to talk about trust and privacy I was just attacked with so muchĀ āif you donāt have anything to hide then why canāt I look at it?ā That I eventually gave in just to prove that I didnāt have anything to hide. After that it just got so out of control, he would bring up screens on my phone that I had never even looked at myself and demand to know what things were. Apps that I had downloaded and deleted way before we had ever met, I had to explain and defend myself against these constant baseless, irrational accusations. There was a point where he was going through my phone and changing settings, turning on notifications for apps that I didnāt want notifications turned on for. Well why not, what are you hiding? I wasnāt hiding anything, I just wanted to have this tiny piece of control, to be able to choose the settings on my own goddamn phone. I lost it over that, just screaming, canāt I have anything that is just mine? Canāt I make my own decisions for just one tiny, insignificant thing?! No, of course I couldnāt. I had somehow gone from being a person who made every decision about everything, big and small, in my life to not even being able to choose the settings on my own phone.Ā
My whole life Iāve always been messy, Iāve always been a night owl, Iāve always listened to alternative-y music, Iāve always had male friends, Iāve always read lots of books, Iāve always had lots of internet friendships. Every other boyfriend or friend Iāve ever met just accepted this stuff as parts of who I am, things that make up the person I am, just as I have accepted things like that about my boyfriends and friends. Iāve never had to explain or justify the things I did or said or thought to a partner, Iād never been told that the things I did or liked or just generally the way I am is all somehow wrong. Even when I tried so hard and did things differently to try and make him happy, when I went from being messy to having everything always put away, everything always immaculately clean, he would just sayĀ āyeah, well so you should.ā It was always me who was wrong, me who had to change the way I did things in order to fit in with him. There was never any possibility that maybe the way I did things was ok, there was never even any possibility of justĀ āagree to disagreeā. I was wrong, he was right and I had to change.
I changed my phone number yesterday. I changed it because he wouldnāt stop calling me, always on a private number so I couldnāt prove he was breaching the intervention order and because Iād blocked his number. So in order to have some peace and to make it even clearer to him that I donāt want to have any contact with him, I changed my number. But now that Iāve done it, thereās this anxiety of well when is he going to realise Iāve changed my number and thereās no way of getting in contact with me? Then what is he going to do? Show up at my house again? I hate being at home at night time, every noise outside puts me on edge, makes me worry heās shown up. Iām so on edge all the time, Iām so sick of feeling like this, so sick of having to be worried about all these possible scenarios, this constant anxiety that just doesnāt let up, the what if this and what if that until Iām so exhausted that I just want to turn off my mind so I can have a break and have a rest but it just doesnāt stop.Why would you want to be with somebody who has told you that they donāt want to be with you, that they donāt love you, who has blocked your phone number and never returns your calls, who has got a fucking intervention order to keep you away from them and who has called the police on you numerous times? How does anybody keep trying after that? How do they not realise how upsetting and horrible and just pathetic their actions are? I just donāt get any of it. I know that break ups can be difficult and heartbreaking and hard to deal with but I donāt understand trying to almost bully somebody into being with you, being so unrelenting that they just give in. Even if they do give in and get back with you, wouldnāt that just feel all the more awful? Is he so obsessed with control that he just canāt handle that Iāve made this choice, that he canāt control it, that Iām the one who has ended things that itās not even about wanting to be with me and itās just all about losing control and trying to re-gain that control no matter what?

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foreverandever
aaaAAaaAAAAAaa
Donāt talk to me or my 3 screaming sons ever again
Abusers Deny the Abuse
āYou bruise easily. I hardly brushed by you. You were standing in my way, preventing me from passing you. What else was I supposed to do?ā
ha canāt count how many times i was toldĀ āyou bruise easilyā
and not that it matters either way, but actually i do not bruise especially easily at all.
He used to get angry when I read books!
Like seriously, reading books! What kind of shitty stuff does your horrible bitch girlfriend do to piss you off? Well, youāll never believe this, but she sits quietly and reads!
But, you know, because he wasnāt interested in reading and because itās a totally solitary thing that I was doing alone and he could not be involved in it and it took my attention away from him, well definitely not allowed.
Stop trying to fix the unfixable, and stop taking responsibility for any of the messes that the narcissist is causing.
Start preparing yourself emotionally for financial losses. It is very rare for anyone after being connected with a narcissist to come out of the fray better off than before they entered it.
Know this. If you are hanging on trying to receive some sort of financial improvement, your chances are very slim. When you are with an unaccountable narcissist who keeps creating disasters, and does not have your best interests or welfare in mind, you are on a sinking ship and the longer you hold out for the rowboat, the faster the ship is going down.
The sooner you get out the less you will lose.
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-leave-the-narcissist-with-your-emotions-intact/
Well this certainly spoke to me! There was a long time when part of why I stayed with my ex was well, he owes me several thousand dollars along with various possessions of mine that he pawned and lost. If I leave him thereās no chance of me ever getting back anything that he owes me.
Then about two months ago he totalled my car. Along with being angry and devastated (my dad bought me that car, I loved that car, it was just one more thing that my ex destroyed, it had been my freedom etc etc) there was this one clear thought in my head - he is never going to pay me back the money he owes me and he is never going to replace/pay me back for my car. If I stick around waiting for him to buy me a new car, I will be with him forever.
At this point Iām happy to call it even - he never has to pay me back a cent and I get to get away from him and be free. I can make my own money, I can buy myself a new car and I would so much rather do that than stay with him waiting for him to ever pay me back anything. Like if thatās the price for my freedom and my safety and my sanity, itās totally worth it.

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tenderqueerthings #52, Mar Pascual. 2016.
Something that I just donāt understand about my ex and the millions of other abusive dickheads who also pull this crap - if you seriously, actually do think that your girlfriend is constantly doing all the cheating/lying that youāre accusing her of doing, then why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with her?!
Even if you just have so little trust in her to suspect that she might be doing all this shit behind your back, if you think that she would be capable of that, if thatās the kind of person you think she is, again - why would you want to be in a relationship with her?!
Wouldnāt it just be so exhausting to be constantly checking up on where she is and what sheās doing and who sheās spoken to and then be worrying that maybe sheās lying about where she is and maybe sheās actually with some guy, like wouldnāt you just break up because why would you want to be so stressed and paranoid all the time?
Or is it all really just them trying to mindfuck you by accusing you of doing shit that they know you havenāt actually done? Are they genuinely paranoid and think youāre cheating or is it just another abusive controlling tactic? How is it that so many abusive men somehow all seem to know/use the same tactics to control women? Like some of the stuff is just kind of obvious and straightforward but Iāve read descriptions of very specific, almost subtle things that my ex used to do/say in other womenās comments online about their abusers and itās just like wtf, how did all these dickheads think of doing that?
Iām also so curious about how much of their abuse is planned, like when my ex and I first met did he already know his end game? Did he plan to be charming and fun and laid-back to draw me in while already knowing and planning to destroy my friendships and my finances and my independence and to try and completely change who I was as a person? Or is it a more sub-conscious thing and theyāre not planning it all so intensely until later on? Different for different abusers? idk idk