aurora malefici

i am here

my trauma is healed. i'm working towards certifications 'cause i ain't got no time for a 4 year degree. rolling stones gather no moss? i beg to differ, thanks.

i wasn't even thinking of a question, just sitting deep in my own feelings about the state of my soul

what a goddamn fucking spread to pull! the pinpoint of the accuracy is perfectionist embroidery level. literally gobsmacked. never had a reading this clear or shouty about my bright bright future 👀👀👀

===edit to add!===

ps, i dunno about anyone else, but the last 4-6 months...i'd been unable to hear the future rumbling. i'm always able to hear the hum of it, like ambient crowd chatter. but it's been completely dead silent the further forward i tried to listen. not even vibrations. i thought something absolutely godawful terrible was coming to destroy the earth

that silence made my soul tingle with creepiness...

then feb 1st, late late into the night, i was deep in a weed high and i was suddenly SLAMMED with a wall of clairvoyant sound. like some little butterfly effect thing happened in that exact moment and the future blasted awake like a bomb

i'm hoping that means all hope isn't lost. sensing shit like that isn't an exact science (ever at all honestly). but the fact the noise came back...

i do rather feel like i have been bodied forcefully down the stairs and now all the angels and demons are standing over my broken body commanding me to stand up

and i'm just staring up at them, blursing them for both doing this to me and supporting me through it

this is the messiest fucking spiritual awakening i have ever heard of, having lasted way too long (literally my entire life)

survivor? no. i am someone alive, who keeps getting up after the last knock down. clawing my way forward if i am unable to even crawl. i do not survive. i find new ways to be alive

preparing me for the future i need to live in

atoning for the lives i never tried to live

baba yaga seedling

this actually caused a small wave of panic in downtown because it was so fucking loud with the booms. hubs and i ourselves thought that a gang war was happening in the streets (seriously no hyperbole) and just turned out all the lights to continue watching our movie

the lack of communication is actually typical for duluth. whatever rot is spreading through city and community leader channels is doing so at greater speeds than usual

for example, pretty sure the entire Community Action Duluth org just fell all the way apart in the space of a week as more and more corruption was revealed

like

i don't want to live here anymore. this town has all the charm of a long-dead water bloated rat floating in a slime of sewage

like...i was a level 3 human before, but i got enough xp and gold to reclass and level like woah and now i'm a level 9 druid with 3 levels of fighter. my gear is not legendary, but solid

my mission is to return to the earth. and to be subtle; to breathe my own life back into me. a time for me to be selfish for my self

i began with a plant i've nurtured for a long time. an almost symbiotic relationship

i buried a baby rodent in the pot. it had died in my hands and it devastated me at the time because of other things i was going through. representing finally laying my past to rest (2 months later, i cut off my entire toxic family after a horrific incident)

i planted cuttings directly in the dirt to see what they would do. they grew roots and took hold and began shooting out new leaves. representing spiritual rebirth and growth (this forced the last constipated bit of my stubborn trauma to break free and start screaming freedom and started the closure process of this years-long spiritual awakening)

on a road trip, i found a butterfly stuck in the grill half smashed. it was still alive and i held it in my hands till it passed. she too, i buried in the pot. representing the hundreds of tiny deaths we experience every day, the consequences of our choices (i stopped excusing my behavior and started trying to find the motivation to overcome my severe executive dysfunction)

over the summer, i laid a quarter on top of the soil. representing material wealth (found a job not long after that i not only love, but have blossomed even more under the care and support of my coworkers, clients, friends, and my husband)

but it's me

i was born with chaos and witchcraft in my blood. i do not know how to tell all the parts of my story from beginning to this moment, coherently, without being called a liar

i am who

everyone is

going to be

and then everyone who has fallen here fails to inform you that hell isn't the destination. it's just the place you land to start planting the seeds of yourself. to climb back out again

yeah. again

i am the Pope of Rock Bottom's Bottom

if you stop living on the edge...

found my new favorite sub reddit. i should make myself a marcus. or maybe a dozen

no one tells you that healing a significant amount of brutal childhood trauma feels like your soul dying and dying and dying until it can't die anymore. and then it keeps dying in ways you didn't think were possible. some people call this a "spiritual awakening" and it is as horrible as you would think. but the peace from all the deaths inside of you calms all the storms that have been raging in you for so long, you didn't even know they were there