Oh Cal Kestis, did you cry when you covered up the last of the grave you dug for your Master? When you used the last of the gathered rain from an extending pipe to wash off the grit and stone and blood from under your fingernails, did the first shock of cold pull you from the veil of numbness that had hid you from the onslaught of grief? When the tips of your fingers went red, your lips blue, was it the cold that made the lightsaber tremble as you cut of your braid and buried it with him?
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One of my favorite things about JFO is how Cal relearns/remembers his Jedi training through nature and ancient Force wielders who weren’t Jedi. We are constantly told how the Force flows through everything in other Star Wars media, but this game really shows that. Cal learns how to Wall Run again after watching the lizard-like zaur scuttle across the walls on Bogano. Even though the Zeffo had different ideas about the Force than the Jedi and even called it something different, “the Life Wind,” Cal learns how to Force Push and Pull again by exploring ancient Zeffo tombs and using the wind and magnetic fields as they once did. Cal learns how to Jedi Flip again while climbing the Origin Tree using Kashyyyk’s bouncy lung plants. He heals his personal connection with the Force by connecting with everything the Force flows through outside of himself, from the past to the present, indiscriminate of culture, and it’s so beautiful.
As a Youngling, he learned his head is not always occupied by his thoughts alone. Echoes from unsuspecting nooks and crannies (and war) overload his brain, baring to him everything they once were, and forcing his mind to compute emotions too strong, too heavy. He had desperately wished, at the time, that it was his own feelings that were too big for his body.
After his Master dies, his lightsaber is twice the size of his own. It hangs heavy on his waist, bruising the sides of his thigh. It's foreign, unsuitable, a tragic reminder that drags his weight down yet he finds himself clinging to it like a child during the coldest nights on Bracca. No matter how many times his palms encircle the hilt, it would never fit the way it should.
His first poncho was five sizes too big. Prauf, like every other Scrapper, was living hand to mouth. "You'll grow into it" he insisted, a quiet muffled chuckle betraying his amusement as the heavy material hovered by his ankles. Cal is thirteen and his face itches from the cold, but the poncho is warm and it reminds him distantly of home. Cal never grew as big as Prauf, and the poncho still hangs past his shoulders, a few sizes too big.
Cal is seventeen and the names of a thousand Force Sensitives rests in his palm. He's seventeen, and the future of his kind is compacted into a single Holocron stained by bloodshed. His gut twists and turns with uncertainty and fevor and deep fatigue from the lengthy chase and almost getting his insides boiled, and he desperately wants to reach out snd grab that opportunity for a future. But Cal is seventeen, and can give nothing more to these children than their freedom. He's seventeen and he is unfit to guide the new Order, and it gnaws at him.
He's seventeen and he doesn't fit into this found family who place their needs over the Fight. So he leaves to find a place where he could fit as if being one of the last of his kind would allow him such mercy.
He's twenty-two and his emotions eventually settle as the sounds of battle become white noise and bodies become numbers. He is angry and betrayed, and loathing himself and losing himself, but the need to Fight thrums like electricity under his skin. He's twenty-two and he no longer fits into the mold of the old Jedi Order. He is not them, something in between.
Something that could never fit, but Cal Kestis was never made to, anyway.
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In my 3rd playthrough and I got a throwaway line otw to Zeffo where Greez is a fan of Master Yaddle 😭 Cal's GrandMaster 😭 Cere's Master being Cordova whose exploration droid chose Cal and whose psychometry is a key in unlocking the hodden cultures of the galaxy ohh my found family
Thinking about Cal Kestis being prococious as an Initiate to the point of having issues dealing with failure and sent to Master Jaro "Military drills and parkour" Tapal.
Loving the throwaway lines that indicate what kind of training Tapal put Cal through in addition to the flashbacks.
Cal: "I was trained by following strict protocols, prepared for everything"
Cal, about Yaddle: "My Master was her padawan. He said she trained harder than anyone he knew which was something, if you knew Jaro Tapal"
The way during Order 66, Tapal insistently says "We trained for this", trusting that Cal can make it through the admittedly dangerous maintenance halls where he'd have to wall run and climb like crazy.
And in the end, it is that skillset that keeps Cal alive as a Scrapper on Bracca at 13 years old.
I'd like to think that Jaro Tapal's trust in the guidance of the force (his last words being "Trust only in the Force") was what made Cal's psychometry develop at a healthy pace while being in an active battlefield. That the persistence in remaining faithful to the Code and becoming a Jedi was what stabilized Cal's relationship with the Force and its Echoes instead of rigorous psychometry training.
The difference between 13 year old Cal Kestis and 13 year old Cameron Monoghan kinda explains why in fics he's always made to look younger than he is. Even when Cameron acted as Nick Peyton in NCIS, a character commented that Nick is 18 although he looks 12.
I think my brain has fully downloaded because I'm able to picture young Cal as the latter instead of the former when reading time-travel or young Cal fics. And because he's (Spoiler) a child serial killer in Criminal Minds, it kinda helps to imagine Time-Travel Cal being as badass and maturer than his present age.
I'm replaying Fallen Order and able to pay a little bit more attention this time (the first time around, I was mostly just dazzled). Cal has just landed on Kashyyyk having taken down an AT-AT to help partisans fighting the Empire. Saw Gerrera thanks him for the help, but when he hears Cal's here on Jedi business, he's skeptical and scoffs that the Jedi are dead.
It gets interesting here. Cal holds out his lightsaber, a challenge to Saw's offhand comment. And Saw needles him. Asks him if he got the lightsaber off a corpse. Cal fixes Saw with one of those thousand yard stares the boy is too good at and tells him quietly that his master gave it to him.
Saw is a master at what he does. He's charismatic, he gets people to lay down their lives for him and his causes. He knows how to handle them. He sees this fresh-faced kid in front of him with a lightsaber, who immediately starts asking about how to help the Wookiees, and Saw realizes he's got his angle.
(I think Cere clocked that he was sizing Cal up right away, and was concerned well before Saw left the planet.)
So when Cal meets up with Saw in the forest trench to find out the plan, Saw knows just how to play him. He gives Cal the mission of entering the Imperial base and freeing the Wookiees. Is this strictly necessary for Saw's plan to work? Probably not, but it'll be a useful distraction, and more importantly, Saw knows how Jedi are drawn to helping innocents like moths to a flame. If the kid becomes loyal to him for this mission, he'll be a useful tool in the future; if he fails, the main plan isn't jeopardized and he's still a good distraction.
So he lays a hand on Cal's shoulder and tells Cal to free the prisoners. With his lightsaber. The same weapon he just called Cal a graverobber about. Someone older and wiser might have seen a red flag there! But Cal Kestis?
Cal is ecstatic to be needed. To be helpful. He's so proud already he has to brag to BD about it immediately.
Cal instantly looks up to Saw. I think he recognized Saw's leadership skills, his charisma, and his battle prowess, and was taken right back to Master Tapal; but he's not old enough or experienced enough to see the way Saw is looking at him and figuratively licking his chops. All Cal sees is someone who's fighting against the Empire, making a difference, and thinks that he could make a difference again, too.
Cal is the classic smart kid who achieved too quickly, never learned how to fail, wound up spending a lot of time with adults who praised his skills -- and he hungers for that praise still. You can see how he lights up in general when he realizes he's done something really skillful -- taking out that AT-ST walker puts an actual grin on his face, the same grin he probably got as a Padawan when he knew he'd executed something tricky. He loves to be told he's done well, especially after five years in the Bracca scrapyards where standing out could mean being found by the Empire.
(Look at this smug little dork, getting hydrated after destroying a scout walker. Also, two seconds later Cere asks how he's doing with the Force and Cal cheerfully says well, he's not dead yet! and he'd rather not talk about it! But that's a whole rant for another post.)
The Jedi Order specifically put Cal with Master Tapal because they realized he had a problem with not knowing how to handle failure, but because their training was cut short, Cal never did learn the lesson. He blames himself completely when something goes wrong (Cere reminds him that saving the Wookiees and the Partisans is out of his control, a warning he shrugs off instantly even before they get to the fight); he can get a success, but he craves more. He's always looking for that person who can tell him that he's done right, who can give that external validation to help him feel useful. He sees instantly that Saw -- clever, resourceful, respected -- could be a person like that, and Cal just glows around him despite having known him for all of five minutes.
Cal doesn't realize he was being handled, and very skillfully so.
He still doesn't realize that going into Survivor, is still working for Saw, but there's a reason Cere isn't on these missions with him; not only does she have her own goals, but she doesn't trust Saw or his methods. I'm sure she sees that need Cal has to feel needed, to feel useful, and frets about it privately; there are some things that are just too entrenched to root up entirely. Once Cal starts growing comfortable with his powers again, the urge to help, to succeed, to do right by those he looks up to is very, very strong.
@mostly-space-scrap thank you for commenting! I’ve been excited to see a lot of people enjoying my going off :)
I was sad too to realize he was still working with Saw even years later. He’s matured so much in some ways (he certainly has less of that instant lost puppy look, and probably wouldn’t take immediately to Saw the way he did in Fallen Order had he met him now) but in others, his mental age still feels young because that part of him was stunted by his experiences. He never learned how to be satisfied within himself, by his own judgement, to say “Cal, you did it - great job” and have that be enough. That desire for external motivation is still so strong within him, and that leaves him looking for role models to try to do well by. Even after everything there’s still a naïveté there that’s easy to exploit if you know how to do so.
Bode is someone who’s older, he’s had life experience, and he comes off to Cal like someone who has his life together and knows his goal, and it’s a noble one! Keep Kata safe, it’s clear as day. I wonder if Cal envies that focus, especially when he pulls up that map in the Senator’s office and sees how widespread the Empire’s reach is, how little difference he’s made with his fighting.
Subconsciously I also wonder if Cal’s brought back to his childhood a bit with Bode, as he’s also physically a large presence like Master Tapal and Prauf, his two most important figures in Cal’s formative years. Not only that, Bode regularly cheers Cal on and tells him he’s doing great. There’s a clear big brother-little brother vibe that Bode cultivates very intentionally, where that praise and trust are integral to working his way closer into Cal’s inner circle.
I just want to add that all of this plays into how by the time Survivor rolls around Cal sees himself as a tool/weapon. Like the trajectory you describe from his childhood onward pushes him more and more into internalizing that Being A Weapon is what gets him praise and is what he's Needed as. It's something Bode also picks up on and taunts him with:
This is quite the cruel line, especially in the context of the scene as Bode sees himself as sympathetic and driven by love while Cal... Cal is a weapon to point and aim (which is what Bode is literally doing with him!!!!!!!!!!).
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I know it's gameplay but the idea of a jedi sprinting forward the higher the amount of blasters there are is hilarious. Like you'd think they'd hide but Cal Kestis would legit start sprinting to give himself a deflection boost.
Read this Cal Kestis (kinda Time-Travel ?) fic and am obsessed! It's I'll be Fine by Mandoka_aliit (Incomplete, but updated in 2026!)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/66107215
Cal's future memories being sent back to haunt his Youngeling self is something I absolutely lovee, and haunt it does. It's almost feels like the Force is doing a do-over now that it's been pulled back in time but leaving Cal out of the loop. Cal's initial fate changed from his previous one the moment he woke up, and he doesn't even know it.
Spoiler:
The way the biggest change was the fact that Jaro Tapal chose someone else as a padawan because he had been in a coma from the "Echo", and how that played into his internal grief. The previous timeline echoes in the Force, forcing hallucinations and trauma when he's already grappling with jealousy and devastation.
Future Cal leaks sadness into the Force from memory alone, the melancholy like a second skin. And Youngling Cal just doesn't understand why everything is changing, why he's having trouble with sadness that doesn't seem to fully belong to him, why he's seeing and hearing things in the walls.
To everyone else, he's taking the "Not being chosen as a Padawan" heavily, but in reality it's like he's become a vessel containing the echoes of the future (not like he knows that). And gosh seeing a child not fully understanding what's going on with him is painful, especially since we know as readers.
The way the Force still feels out of reach. The way people try to understand from the lens of a devastated force-sensitive child but they're so off that it hurts.
And you just want to grab the Force by the throat to give him a proper vision or something before things go wrong.
I find this Cal so unique mainly because he doesn't know. He's being haunted by echoes from the Force and from his future self, and he doesn't know anything other than the fact that people are blaming him for things he can't control.
Padawan Cal Kestis, because I've been binging those Time Travel Fix-It fics.
I haven't consumed enough main media to write but I do like the idea of him being pulled back in time and actually grieving his previous life throughout the entirety of his second life, especially if he's pulled back randomly (because the Force said enough) and not because of death; cue mini fic
He'd grieves Merrin and Greez, of a life on the Mantis filled with rowdy dinners and polite backtalk, of adrenaline fueled lengthy conversations keeping them up until midnight.
He grieves his Master from before rather than his Master now. This Jaro Tapal has never shared a cup of tea with him after a particularly bad fall, nor promised him a sip of caf for every milestone. He grieves the trust, the concern, and admittedly, the ache of his last words chiming in his head before he stepped into battle.
He grieves the Force that settles like a warm (yet distant) guiding hand . This one dances with intent, demands his attention with almost childish nudges. He feels it like a second skin, pestering him to get UP. To move, but he can't. Not yet.
He grieves freedom and the high of adrenaline from a hidden blaster under his poncho. He grieves the control he had over the Darkside as now, it seemed to creep into the deepest crevices of his heart, reminding him what the Force has stripped him of. The sound of a bleeding Kyber crystal haunts him every time he ignites his old lightsaber (yellow, because the Force never wanted him to hide)
Ahsoka and Caleb and maybe a few others (whoever the Force wanted, it seems) keep Anakin on track and seek out Palpatine. He hears them talk, pretends he's not one of them Returnees (which is useless because his Wanted posters were everywhere) He was near catatonic from grief for a week, mute for two.
Cal...is tired.
He's tired. But he raises his saber and fights anyway. His heart feels like it's dropping from between his ribs but he plunges forward into gunfire, gets back on his feet and customizes his lightsaber with whatever he loots. He destructs and pulls himself together and destructs again.
There's hollowness in his eyes that don't belong to a child. Everyone knows he's one of the Returnees, but slowly stop pestering with every purposeful slam of his shields. It takes a near death experience and a medbay meeting for him to eventually reveal that he remembers all of his past life.
"A drag path" but it's Tim tracking Bruce's existence around the world through the hidden clues he left behind, motivated by his own blind faith (he barely believes himself.
"A drag path" but it's the reminiscences of Jason left behind after his death and Tim desperately clawing at the remains of the previous Robin after Bruce cleans out the manor (he wants to know what Bruce expects of him, what he wants to see whenever he calls out for Jason instead of Tim)
"A drag path" but it's those fics where Tim rewinds time to save Jason and protect his family behind curtains but leaving trails of who he is.
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Tim in Red Robin with HIS monologue: I am tired, tittering the line between sanity and losing my mind. I've done much wrong to reach this point cross lines I shouldn't have, but I must find Bruce. He's alive, I know he is.
Tim in Blackest Night in the POV of other people: LEAVE ME ALONE STOP CONTACTING ME... wdym my parent's graves are dug up... fine *jet noises* gimme a gun OPEN FIREEEE is that mi dad and mi mum? oh wait, maybe this is how we can get to Bruce DICK HEAR ME OUT STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT screw this I have accepted their death so YOU'RE ALL DEAD YOU'RE DOING NOTHING FOR MY CURRENT DOWNWARD SPIRAL
I reread Batman and Son yesterday, and got reminded that Tim didn't only get decked by Jason, but by Damian too. For pretty much the same reason. Poor kid got a rocky start with two out of three bros uh. At least he still has Dick.
