i found a liquor store and i drank it

to answer your question, yes. i did feel really hesitant the first time i undressed in front of him and, to be honest with you, i still feel that way sometimes even though he's seen me naked more times than i can count since that initial first time about two months ago. i'm not going to pessimistically say that the feeling never goes away or anything like that because it certainly isn't as intense now as it was back then-- the feeling really only resurfaces when i'm already having a bad day or when i've been in a particularly insecure spell-- but it is something i continue to think about as our relationship progresses and as i learn to become more vulnerable with him emotionally and sexually.

he and i have already talked about this a little but one of the consistent struggles i have is that i sometimes treat sex more as an opportunity to look good rather than feel good so i prioritize 'performing' more than i prioritize just having a good time, relaxing, and being in touch with myself and my body and i think a lot of these feelings are really heightened by being a plus-size person (more specifically a plus-size woman because i think the specific intersectionality of being femme and being plus-sized is insanely important when discussing sex and self-image) because i have thoughts like "how does my stomach look from this angle?" "i don't like being viewed from behind because i'm embarrassed of how my rolls look" and things like that. i worry about looking less than my "sexiest" and i'm still unlearning the idea that "sexy = thin" or that i need to make myself look as small as possible to be sexy because that's not true whatsoever. i don't need to suck in my stomach or twist my waist to hide my rolls or anything, and neither does anyone else-- you don't have to shrink yourself out of fear you're taking up too much space bc you're wonderful as is.

there's a lot of little ways you find comfort when it comes to being nude in front of someone else. for instance, i have a lot of insecurity about being viewed from behind bc i've always been really insecure about my back rolls and my ass (more like the lack thereof) and so sometimes positions like doggy style (despite being my #2 fave position) can cause me some anxiety bc i worry about how i look from angles i know i don't like seeing myself in. despite that, my boyfriend will praise me and compliment me not because he's just trying to make me feel better or because he feels obligated to say those sorts of things, he says it because he genuinely feels that way and because, simply put, other people don't view you the way you view yourself. other people love you for you in ways that you don't love you for you and so i think little moments like that are insanely special. hearing those compliments when i'm worrying and worrying and worrying about how i look are extremely comforting and grounding; they bring me back to reality when i'm so caught up in my own head and they're just. very healing.

i have about a thosand and a half tips when it comes to the question of "how do i learn to love myself/my body more?" and i don't want anyone to think that the only solution is finding someone else who'll compliment you when you can't compliment yourself bc that's just not true. it is possible to learn to love yourself while you're single and, in fact, 95% of my own self-love journey has been accomplished solo rather than within the boundaries of a relationship. of course, the relationship helps with external reassurance, but i know that i'm beautiful because i think i'm beautiful, not because other people find me beautiful. non-sexual nudity has been infinitely more healing for my self image than sexual-nudity ever has been; just learning to love your body and exist with it rather than against it is the most important tip imo. eating cereal naked, sleeping naked, lying in bed naked, doing chores naked-- just allowing yourself to, well, be with yourself and see yourself in the nude is a really nice and non-intrusive (ie rather than going out in public in a swimsuit) way of learning to accept and love your body more.