you start missing everybody

–sad

It was there on his face, a look nobody escapes from, one that would be there to hear every mew and sigh in your sleep. Then, slowly, deliberately, excruciatingly–I was hanging–he said, ‘I know, because I live a lonely existence too.’

And none for Gretchen Wieners bye

And isn’t that what we all want anyway? To just move on from the crime scene and start over? Because haunting would-be relationships and failed crushes isn’t healthy for anyone. The sooner you can get real with yourself and see things for what they are, the quicker you can actually end up where you want to be.

That’s when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn’t the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn’t enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn’t enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them you cared. And he just didn’t. Not enough.

I hate being sick. It's been a while since I've been hit with Influenza.

I'm not sure what I'm doing or what I'm feeling that makes me feel as if life should be different to what it is.

Maybe you meant it in jest, but I was irritated when you made a comment saying I wasn't Chinese.

8. Accepting that you cannot party in the way you used to, and that you are going to have to start turning down some nights which people will tease you about because your sleep has become your most precious commodity.

When you hear something and then repeat it internally, you’re accepting it. Worse still, when you hear something and silently sit and don’t refute it, you are accepting it.

6. Do I punish myself enough? Do I admit when I’m wrong? Do I work enough every day to make myself a better person, a better friend, a better worker? Do I devolve into escapism too much to stop the force inside of me that wants to be better? What is better? Do I even hold myself to the right standards? Who do I know that has done everything right? Can I be that person? Did that person beat their laziness into a submission like I try to? Is all this mental work worth it? Will it represent itself in physical work? Tangible improvements to my daily life? Why am I so concerned with my appearance? Is everyone else? Am I too shady? Too spazzy? Too paranoid?