And just like that...
Waddup it's yo boy, Skinny Penis. Boy oh boy has it been a while. Did you miss me? So much, yet so little, has happened since I've last posted on here. Shall we recap the last 8 years? No? Ok here we go:
2019: I went abroad. It was legitness and I would do anything to go back. Some guy from Tinder texted me from a printer. If he wanted to, he would ladies.
2020: Two words: Covid and *Kefir
2021: Nothing really notable happened in 2021. But I did have these bad boys saved for a rainy day. Probably to replace my butt pads.
2022: Saw my girlies. We were burpin up a storm. Gassier than usual. And *Colby invited me to a The Band Camino concert. Also went to see Harry Styles, which is impossible to do these days. Frick you Harold, you money hungry schmuck. Got engaged and called it off 2 days later.
2023: in 2023 I got a really trife haircut, but also a Gucci bag. S/o to Grandma Hemmig, Will money used right. She'd be proud. And a moment of silence for the death of Jimmy Buffet. I hope he hears our "It's 5 o'clock somewhere"'s in MargaritaHeaven.
2024: You guys thought I had bad luck with men before...wowza. In 2024 I decided to put myself out there for some reason... and I lost. Went on countless of horrible dates until I fell in love with *Aaron. I know you're sick of hearing about him. But I fucked around so hard, I had to recruit Megan to go spend time in nature and touch grass (there wasn't any, it was -8 degrees). I can't believe I went on for 3.5 months with this man and he didn't kiss me once. Was he gay, or was I ugly? (I think ugly because from stalking his Strava I see he is with a new girl). Anyway, we went on a date right before he broke up with me on Valetine's day. The chokehold I let weird men have on me is crazy. Then i tried to buy a puppy to mask the pain.
2025: I went to Europe, got a tattoo, and ran a half marathon. A year of the 1/4 life crisis. Oh and I also met my sweet boyfriend, *Collin. (Sorry Joshua Kershenblat and BangerGotBank, I'm spoken for). This one rizzes with the tiz ( a common theme for me) but he doesn't have big ears, or has tried to steal my phone (yet). I love himmmmm. But in classic cLare fashion... you never know what can happen.
2026: I broke my arm and I think that is foreshadowing for the remainder of the year.
Well, you're all caught up. If you made it this far, comment a heart in the comments. Who knows what the future holds or if we'll even make it through this year.
But as always, we'll throw on some gangsta rap, throw our hair up in a messy bun, and handle it!
Love you all, and flog ya later!
