burt macklin, fbi.

I guess now’s as good a time as any to finally teach you. Chalk it up to asking at the right time because any other time you still wouldn’t be ready. If I catch you not paying attention in your lessons you’re done though. No ifs ands or buts about it. I can’t believe they’re about to be one either. It’s going by too fast and I hate it. Their birthday party has to be on point. I’m not going to be one of those lame moms that rents a bounce house and calls it a day. I’m thinking full on haunted house.

I knew it was the right time. I woke up knowing this would be the day you’d finally give in. That’s not fair! You know I have a really bad attention span. How about you just give me detention instead? Turn me into a real life Bart Simpson and make me write on a chalkboard for an hour as punishment or something more evil like sending me to the dark realm. Hell no. We’re going to make the most kid friendly yet still spooky haunted house ever. Let’s start working on it right now.

so. haircuts. i’m going to tell you a story about a guy who went into a barber shop and came out a new man. recently my hair has gotten unruly, to the point where i couldn’t even brush my fingers through it. no, it wasn’t tangled or anything along those lines. it was just long, longer then i normally keep it and i realized i was starting to look like sasquatch. so i went and got myself a trim. now i feel like i can take on the world. has anyone else ever felt that way after getting a haircut? anyway, i’m Jared and that was my ramble of the day. how’s it going, guys?

I get lazy and don’t want to cut my hair but I look ridiculous with long hair. I used to grow it out a lot when I was younger but I look so much better these days with short hair. I let my wife cut my hair a month or so back. Never again. Aubrey is great and everything but she ain’t coming nowhere near this head of hair again. Getting a haircut always makes you feel like a new person, though. It’s awesome. Nice to meet you, man! I’m Chris. The coolest one. Don’t listen to any of the others.

@prestigestarters

Let me prephrase this with my wife and i have two dogs luke and nellie, nellie was our first and she has some very strange tendencies she is often found in strange situations. Anyway today luke was lounging on the edge of the pool enjoying the bit of sun coming in when nells just ran at him full speed ready to play and the poor boy fell right in the pool, he did not enjoy it or the needed bath to wash the chlorine out his fur. Hi i’m Matt and Im requesting funny pet stories from you all today.

Animals are fucking hilarious to watch. This is why I love having a farm. Nothing like sitting and watching the hundreds of sheep I have do weird shit. Also, I have three kids who do weird shit so my life is full of entertainment. Does taking a bearded dragon out for a walk count as a funny pet story? Because I did that once. Maybe twice. Okay, fine, I do it at least twice a week.

Wait… You skipped Halloween? Because October is Halloween month! And Halloween is also awesome! Yes! That’s the spirit! 

Oh no. I’d never skip Halloween. I’m dating the queen of Halloween herself and I’m pretty sure Aubrey would kill me if I even tried to. Just don’t tell her I was quietly listening to Christmas music throughout Halloween season. Who knows what she’d do.

Thank you so much! You’re not actually that late it’s only been like two days, so it’s not that bleated yet. is that how it goes? how have i not known about this advice my entire life?! where have y’all been all my life? 

Phew. Imagine if I was saying it a month later. That’d be belated. I wonder if anyone’s ever done that. You haven’t known because you haven’t met me until now and I’m the wisest person ever when it comes to these things. I think the universe wasn’t ready for all our awesome to collide until now.

That’s what you get for thinking. Everyone always lies to you. It’s because we know that you can’t really handle the truth. It’s time we were honest with you though. You aren’t America’s sweetheart and Blue isn’t real. How can you be the best at something you’ve never actually won? I worry about how your brain works. Of course. How could I forget your old stripping ways? All I want for Christmas is for you to do your old routine for me. I’m sure they’d give you your job back in a heart beat.  You’d draw in all kinds of sleazy women. Wow, you’re rude. I’m way better than Sabrina. No, we haven’t. You’re stuck with us both forever.

I’ll never think again. You might as well take my brain out because I’m never using it again now. I’m too sensitive for the truth but I think I can handle a little bit at a time. Wow, okay. One of those is a big lie. Blue is real. She’s out there in the world doing her daddy proud. How dare you say she’s not real?! Are you jealous? I bet that’s what it is. Sorry, babe. You have to share my love with Blue. That’s just how it is. Practise makes perfect, duh. So, I’ll be perfect soon enough even if I never win. That’s all you want for Christmas? Good. I don’t have to buy you a gift then. I haven’t dusted off the ol’ stripping routine in a while but for you I will. I’ll have you know I was a hit with all the moms and grandmas. Are you really better than Sabrina, though? Prove it. I’m so sad. Maybe one day.

Aubrey: I know, I don't know how you handle all this love. If it were being thrown at me, I'd puke all the damn time. You're always the smart one in this relationship. I am very stupid. OK! I'm asking Jen to help me pack. So once she's pack from Kentucky we'll do this thing. Maybe next weekend? Oh. Yikes. That's awkward, but I'm down for it.