It's Not About Me

One month ago, my mother died suddenly in a car accident.

C.S. Lewis very truthfully says that the death of a loved one is an amputation.  He writes: "To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another […] Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ […] but he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again."

…

As I start to have the strength to look back on my mom’s life, I can remember so many things that molded who she was. Almost everyone knew my mom as the artist, activist, and loyal friend that she was. In recent years she was a burner, a loving wife, a college student and graduate. These were all things that defined her, and most of her recent friends remember her lovingly in this way.

My mother has always been one of the most passionate women I have ever known. Everything that she set to do, she did with her whole heart and mind. When she raised us, she wanted to be the absolute best mom. Growing up we never had much money, but our Halloween costumes were always lovingly hand-made from old clothes and fabrics with over-the-top quality and detail. Themed birthday parties with my mom were planned and executed for months in advance. Disneyland trips with my Mom were the most fun, as we would duck under the exit lines and ride attractions over and over again.

As we grew up, my mom's passion started showing in many ways. She started displaying her art in galleries, and lived above her gallery space. She always worked late into the night making her absolute best work to be shown at an opening.

She found a lot of relief in Yoga and alternative medicine, and would go above and beyond to share her findings with anyone who was sick or stressed out.

There was a time when she started learning about the environmental impact that humans and industrialization has on the world, and made for the family reusable bags as Christmas gifts which read "NO MORE PLASTIC!". She also shifted her diet to mostly vegetarian for a time (until meeting Tony, of course.)

When the Occupy movement started gaining steam, she went out in full force in protection of the rights of the 99%. She spoke out against the evil in our economic system, and went as far as going to prison for her protests, and what she knew was right. (How many moms do THAT?!)

While she was attending City College and then UCLA, she spent all of her time working on her class assignments, getting top grades, and graduating with honors.

…

Burningman and the Que Viva camp, her most recent passion, was poured over with no less love and audacity.

There were few things my mother ever did that were not full of this great passion for life and love. She allowed everything to change and mold her. There were no half-measures, and not an apathetic bone in her body.

A very important aspect of my mom, in my life was her as a lover of Jesus. I know that we all come from a very wide background of beliefs and worldviews, but one thing that has influence my life in a great way has been how my mom has approached the gospel. When I was growing up she was very passionate about the Christian church, but even as she stepped away from organized religion, much of her beliefs held very strong. I went back and lovingly re-read some letters that we exchanged back in the summer of 2011. She instilled a lot of her wisdom on me back then, and it was the last time we talked about God together.

This is some of what she said:

"I feel as strongly now about the direction God is leading me as EVER I did. I haven't really turned away from Jesus, son, and I am sorry I haven't spoken about it sooner. I can never deny the presence of God which saved me and continues to do so, it has been all too real in my life. It has taken me a while to make my peace with God, especially in light of how I felt about the Christian church. I began to realize that though I KNOW BEYOND DOUBT that God reached me, touched me, saved me with his Presence through the Christian church (like many) He does not limit his presence to this group. As I healed and made my peace, I found that God was EVERYWHERE. Jesus said, 'my sheep will know my voice', and I believe I do."

               I love my mom dearly, and it is obvious to me that she sought the heart of God. It’s with the faith that she started in me that I believe she is flourishing still in the heavenly realm.

Nothing will replace her here on earth. The more I go about my daily life, the more things I find that cause me stumble without her. I can’t walk into a Michael’s Crafts, or smell melted hot glue without thinking of her. I don’t know who to show my finished artwork to, or run my ideas by. I want so badly for her to be at my wedding. My heart aches whenever anyone even says the word “mom”. I know that life will go on, but as C.S. Lewis suggests, I know that it will never be the same.

I really need to write down how I feel today.

The fondest memories I have as a child are those of being loved. Not commemorated for good work or behavior, but being fully loved for no reason at all.

The person who stands out most strongly in my childhood memories is Kae Kleinman. This woman went so far above and beyond the human ability to love others. Even with a full loving family, Kae reached out to those around her and made everyone she knew feel like family. There are many details I could mention about the way that Kae lived her life, but those who knew her already know just how wonderful she was.

So much of me wishes that I had reached out sooner. I lament that after not seeing her for 20 year, I would simply hear of her passing. There is a strong sense of debt that I feel in my heart for all that she has blessed me and my family with, and how little I gave back to her. This concept resonates with me to my core, and reminds me of Christ in a sharp revelation. What she has blessed me with must be passed on. Even though her love was completely free to me, I will drive myself mad if I don’t pour out again. Much like in Christ Jesus I am compelled by love; to love others the way that she loved me.

I attended the memorial service and was able to share some of my heart with her amazing husband Steve Kleinman. Steve, despite his illness, has given his whole life to serving others alongside his wife. I was able to tell him how the both of them had changed my childhood. How much I remember of them loving me and my family so unconditionally. He told me that we meant a lot to the both of them, and that we were very close to them, and kissed me on the forehead as I leaned over and hugged him. Even after 20 years I felt so unworthy, and yet so loved.

I was very moved when I saw photos of Kae and Steve from the 1970′s, when they were about my age now; Especially as styles have started to repeat from that time period, and as I start to transition into marriage. I related so strongly to every snapshot of their lives. They loved each other so dearly, and understood so clearly the love of God. When I got home, and started dwelling on this, it came over me when I saw my empty home. This home is empty because my bride-to-be hasn’t come yet. But in as soon as 4 short decades, it may be empty again after she has left this world. 40 years seems like a lot, but I am sure Steve saw it go by too quickly, and is still very much in love with his late wife. This connection I felt is what caused me to break down, after the memorial service.

The woman I am marrying, I chose because of the way she loves everyone who knows her. I can now see this connection to my childhood experiences with Kae and Steve, because they played such a major role in showing me what real agape love is. 

What this all put on my heart is this: I need to live my life just as Kae and Steve have. I need to love people with reckless abandon, and give generously, and dote upon others lavishly. I need to enable my future wife to be her full potential in Christ. To love people in the amazing way that she does without restriction.

Thank you Jesus for putting Kae and Steve in my life. I rejoice that your wonderful daughter has returned home, and I grieve and commiserate with Steve as he misses his amazing wife for the time being. I know that even still your purpose and kingdom is being worked out in Steve as he is here, and I pray for his wellbeing, and peace upon him and his heart as he navigates life without her.

It has been a long time since I have posted to this blog, and I would like to end this hiatus.

A lot has happened in the couple years since my last regular journaling. I have been on several trips to Asia for kingdom work. I met my future wife and became engaged to her. I have built a community of friends who love Jesus and we sharpen each other’s faith as iron sharpens iron.

I am extremely grateful, and consider myself blessed beyond all reason to have this life of mine (that which I hardly deserve), but sadly I feel that lately I have become distanced from God. The passion with which I used to journal about my walk with Him here has greatly receded.

With this I am devoting myself to start journaling again. I would like to share my blessings, revelations, convictions, and lamentations in as earnest a way as I can.

Thanks for anyone who may catch these entries.

The book of Jonah is often reduced down to a children's story, the moral of which is simplified to encourage listening to God for the purpose of evangelism. It promotes the idea that those who we evangelize might be more receptive than we anticipate.

The story of Jonah, however, is one of the most relevant biblical stories for modern times (even considering the fantastical elements of Jonah being swallowed by a great fish)

Jonah’s reluctance to do the Lord’s will is relatable, few people find it easy to step out and evangelize. There is a lot more going on, however. If we look deeper we can begin to see the reason why Jonah was so against going to Nineveh. Jonah lived in a time where God’s “chosen people” were living in the land that God promised them. The land had been regularly defended by people such as the Ninevites. Had God asked Jonah to go and teach his fellow Jews, and build up their faith, Jonah would have had no opposition. The Ninevites, in Jonah’s mind, deserved to perish for opposing God. We come to the end of the story after the Ninevites repent, and God decides to spare them. It says that Jonah became angry. Jonah was so furious that he spoke out to God saying, “Isn’t this what I said when I was still at home? I knew that you were a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love.”

When God blesses Jonah, and offers grace for Jonah’s wrongdoing, Jonah praises God. When this grace is extended to the Ninevites for their wrongdoing, however, Jonah gets so angry that he tells God, “Now Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” The Ninevites, in Jonah’s mind, were not worth saving. Jonah was under the impression that God’s chosen people were the only saved people; that because God chose the Israelites to be His hands and feet, the rest of the world must perish. God had different plans, and the evil in Jonah’s heart did not accept the grace given to others. He didn’t want to do God’s will, he wanted God to do his will.

God replies to Jonah’s anger by asking, “Is it right for you to be angry?”

With that question, God is really asking Jonah, “Do you know me?” God is wild and free. He doesn’t live up to our expectations, and He doesn’t follow our agendas. Jonah doesn’t understand this, he is so caught up in trying to control what God does that He loses track of the reality that God is the creator, and Jonah is the creation.

This anger towards God is so often exhibited today by unbelievers and followers alike. Often we start from a place where we state: “If I were God…” and it ends in our own narrow and uninformed will, “I wouldn’t give such evil people so much money”, “I wouldn’t allow so much suffering”, “I would make myself more obvious to people”, etc. Like Jonah, we come from a place of wanting to control God- of knowing that we could do much better if we were God. And like Jonah, when we don’t have our way, we often get angry at God for doing things His way.

To us God has the same question, “Is it right for you to be so angry?”

The Lord is sovereign, we can follow him or we can decide not to, but we cannot in any way control Him (nor should we want to).

A man sits talking and making noises to himself and anyone who passes by. He's homeless, hungry, and mentally ill. A man drives by in a $150,000 Porsche. Having the car is more valuable to the man than having his fellow man taken care of. I can't judge Him. If I could afford expensive things, and didn't know Jesus, I would be in the very same place.