Choosing Light

November 13, 2021

A guy that I've dated once told me, "Marisa. I feel like I'll never be enough for you. I can't be the man you need."

So what did he do? He gave up, and he stopped trying. I mean, there was more to the story, but it's not relevant (haha). When he told me that, I openly said, "How is that supposed to make me feel? Why can't I live up to my own potential without feeling like whatever I do will make you feel any less than who you are and will become? That is not my intent. In fact, that's the last thing I would want a man to feel when he's around me."

In my perfect world, I would want a man motivated to grow both on his own and with me. I hate when they decide to give up because it's what's "easier." I know that I am worth the effort. A man's behavior to give up on me does not change my worth at all. If anything, it has revealed to me their true intentions. I could tell that they weren't ready to commit, or in some cases, when their immaturity surfaces, they weren't prepared to grow up.

My ex-fiance once compared me to an onion. Yes. An onion. Before you get any ideas of how I'm like an onion, it's not because it makes you cry and smells strong (lol). My ex told me that I have a lot of layers. And from coming to know me layer by layer, his conclusion was that I needed mental help. Mental help? Bro. You were the reason why I needed mental help. I was like your mother in the relationship. You made me sick (lol). I do take responsibility for not knowing how to set boundaries back then as well. I was also at fault for not knowing how to find that balance. But let's be real. If I had been my genuine self from the start when I first dated him, I wouldn't have gotten as far in that relationship to eventually have a ring on my finger.

I'm always hoping that the next man I date will just come to love every layer of me. The thin layers, the thick layers, the good ones, and the imperfect ones. I want him to love all the layers of me because it's all the parts of who I am. But most of all, I hope that he will just love my very core—my heart (sappy, I know).

I admit it.

I am a lot.

I love to be open with people. I value open and transparent communication. I find satisfaction in setting boundaries and even respecting those of others. I love giving others a safe space to be themselves and open. I love when they give me a safe space, too. I can care a lot about a person. I can love a person a whole lot. I'm loyal. I'm kind. I can be understanding. Once I feel safe with a person, I'll talk to them a lot (sometimes too much). At first, I may seem quiet, but I can talk like there's no tomorrow once they crack me. But most of all, I openly speak with that person because of the safe space they give me to be me. That's what is important to me.

I was put into the situation where I had to choose between 1. honoring myself and walking away or 2. compromising my own needs. Can I say just one thing? I am one of the most understanding and kindest woman on this island. But to take advantage of my kindness and I having to constantly try to understand the other person can be exhausting.

I naturally care for my friends, my family, and even those in the streets that yes--I can begin to feel responsible for their well-being. But to be taken advantage of that because you know that I'm too nice? Ouch. This was the weirdest ride I've been on and it did hurt at the end. Why did it hurt? Because I did care. I cared and I understood your feelings as much as I could.

Sometimes I can’t believe my own mind. This year I’ve spent a lot of time occupying my thoughts on my past and on the person that used to be a huge part of my life. Then now, it’s like I have to make the effort to reflect back on all of those times and even on that very individual. It feels like an after thought. With very minimal impact to inflict pain and discomfort. Maybe because it has been so long since that it feels like a dream. And maybe because...?

I finally moved on. 

Yes. It’s true. I finally did. Didn’t think I could open up again to another man. Or in this case, a panel of men. Who would’ve thought that a pandemic would up my chances of dating. 🤷‍♀️ 

My heart is steady, ready, and so scared. Yet, it continues to expand and seek ways to find refuge with one who can make me feel safe in all areas—emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual. It has been interesting to test these areas within myself and while adding someone once again the equation of my life. I always check myself and ask, “Do I still have a void? Am I trying to fill a void?” Then I take a step back from him and the situation and I don’t feel any sense of missing him or fulfilled by his presence (yet). So the answer is no. I don’t have a void. I don’t feel a void nor feel anything similar to what I’ve felt when I was abandoned over a year and a half ago. That void was self-fulfilled many months ago and that is how I knew I was ready to date again. 

So if I had to ask myself if I am ready to date again today, I would say yes. If I had asked myself that a year ago, I would say no. 

Change happens and change takes time. Time flies when you’re seeking to do good. Time flies when you’re taking care of yourself and those around you. 

Last night I had an odd dream. One that I didn’t expect having nor one that you’d think that would not help me to move forward. But before I tell you my dream, in a long time since I experience something so familiar and nearly forgotten. I was triggered in a new way.

One night I went to Rainn’s house for dinner. Nozomi had just gotten home from playing soccer. He went straight to the shower. Once he came out, I smelt it. The fresh smell a man who just showered, and had used the once familiar scent of Old Spice body wash. I had not smelt that scent in over a year. But from one sniff to another, it triggered me in a way that cut me, luckily just at the surface. Yet it left me wanting more. I began to breathe in deeply just to “confirm” that it was the smell that I missed especially while I had smelt it in the past specifically while I hugged a warm body pressed against mine. As triggered as I had felt, I told my mind to process it.

Smell it.

Recognize it.

Be present.

Accept it.

Smell something else.

And it totally worked. I smelt it. And yeah, of course, did I miss it.

Recognize it.

But it wasn’t “him” who I was missing. It was the memory that came with it that I missed. The feeling of the memory—feeling loved and close to someone I was once vulnerable with.

Be present.

It was Old Spice body wash. It’s a clean smell. Nozomi likes to smell fresh. Cool.

Accepted.

Accepting it for what it is and what it was.

Smell something else.

Then I noticed how good my car smelt—stress relieving eucalyptus from Bath & Body.

I rewarded my body by listening to it and responding with kindness and gentleness. Therapy did me good. It helped me deal with these moments in a healthy matter.

It has been a year. It’s funny because quarantine has been so helpful in giving me a pause to finally breathe from the race so called “life” and to take each day as an opportunity to do something truly intentional. Before the pandemic, life was super routined. I would go through the motions and feel absolutely exhausted at the end of each day. Although now we have been quarantined for these past three months, we’ve established a new routine that keeps me busy, but still gives me time to breathe. I probably didn’t know how to feel now that it’s been a year. But I don’t think there is exactly a right or wrong way to feel. And I hope that whatever I feel may serve me well in my personal growth and development. So, here I am. Making the time to filter through my thoughts to acknowledge them.

This was my dream.

I was engaged to him again and very close to the wedding date. He and I were planning the wedding with my mom in the chapel in Kahuku. I felt all sorts of feelings. But they weren’t any feelings of the past. I could feel myself loving myself and caring for him. With the nerves of it being close to the wedding day, I was nervous from making a big decision of my life. It was exciting and filling my cup with butterflies and love. Although, I was NOT excited about getting back the same engagement ring. When we had broken up and I knew (in reality) that I would/will have the opportunity to be proposed to again [by someone else] and with a different ring, I had already set my mind to being able to get my dream ring the next time. But in my dream, I don’t remember actually wearing it yet. I just felt a lot of emotions and my mind began to process the situation. I wasn’t the same person as I was a year ago when I was still with him and for that reason, being with him, let alone marrying him felt so wrong. I was stuck in between thinking, “He’s all I got, so I have to marry him” and “Are you crazy? Do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life?” The answer was no. I didn’t want to marry him nor did I want to be with him. I pictured myself being with a man that I can feel comfortable being my true self—my best self, worse self, my crazy self, serious self, the real me. I felt fake near him.

The Marisa in my dream has bigger hopes than what she experienced and lived through over a year ago.

She’s holding onto that and won’t let it go to waste. That version of Marisa is from present time. She’s me.

Yes. It took a year and it even took a dream to continue to add ribbon on the gift wrapped box holding this chapter of my life. The lessons evolved, got packaged, and is held closely to my heart. It was a gift from God.

I am scared of marrying wrong. I am scared of possibly calling it off close to the wedding day, but I know that because of what I know now, that I’ll know when I know.

Love,

I've came a long way to get where I am today. Not going to lie, but the last 3 weeks were really hard. It kind of felt like going back to square one, but not. The pain that I endured once again was what made it feel like it was fresh again, as if it were yesterday. Again I felt myself stuck in Gethsemane and not knowing what to do, until I decided to just feel the pain until it was ready to be passed through me. I can be really hard on myself for not dealing with pain as graceful as I want to and honestly, I have been resisting it for awhile. The busy work load in the office, juggling my calling(s) at church, doing a freelance project, planning my sister's bridal shower, being her maid of honor, and more.....has been keeping me on my toes with no breaks in between. I had no time for myself and because of that, the emotions were building inside of me. I bursted as I faced the risk of running into my past and allowing it to be a trial of dealing with the adversary making me believe that I was never good enough. It's crazy how I can come off so strong and say such confident statements while my own personal subconscious can be feeling like a child hiding in a dark corner. Then I learned that as humans, we all probably feel this way. I was not being kind to my inner child. I was neglecting her and letting her feel abandoned.

One Sunday, while all my family were out at church meetings, I was lucky enough to have the entire house to myself. That was when I finally let myself crack. I curled up on the couch and sobbed. 6 months—and I reached the phase of acceptance much more fully than the cycle I went through previously. Acceptance that it was over, that I was alone, that he wasn't going to come back, that I wasn't going to go back to him, that my future became everything I didn't originally plan for. I just couldn't stop crying. Then I decided that week to set one hour to grieve and figure out how to process my feelings so that I could move on. That one hour made all the difference between that one hour to these past 6 days.

I decided to take bigger steps forward to move on, meaning to stop digging in my past and trying to make sense out of it. To stop trying to find any more lessons and reasons to put myself down. I chose to give it all to the Lord telling Him that I'd allowed myself to dig these past 6 months to learn what I needed to learn, to feel what I needed to feel and to help me to have the hope for a brighter future. Meaning that if I have to learn something more of my past from my old relationship, then by all means let me, but listening to my inner child and my own being, I knew it was not healthy.

I'm learning how to set boundaries for myself between others and I. And it has already been helping me know myself well enough to know what is okay and what isn't okay.

I've been praying for opportunities to really laugh and to feel joy. I've been so blessed to have a family to provide me many opportunities these 6 months and onward to laugh until I cannot breathe.

My heart is full and my mind is at ease. I love the Savior and my family soooooo much.

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

- Steve Jobs

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I laid in bed feeling restless this weekend. Being sick with a cold and choosing to work this week wasn’t the smartest idea. Laying in bed with no luck falling asleep gave me the opportunity to look at things differently. It was an experience that I will never forget.

When my older sister was struggling during her first marriage before getting divorced, she had explained to me how she just could not say that she believed in President Monson’s counsel to “Choose your love, love your choice”. These are words from our Prophet. Come on. How can you not believe in these compassionate words?! I just didn’t get it. But then as I had my time in bed tossing and turning...I realized that I was now in her shoes about several quotes that I thought I believed in and then questioned to be true. My faith was tested. Now, as a disclaimer, I am not trying to prove the church’s teachings to be wrong, but rather I ask that you bear with me as I attempt to explain how I misinterpreted these teachings at first and now have a deeper understanding of what they really could mean.

Here are the teachings that I questioned:

• True happiness comes only by making others happy.

• Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives.

• The most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others. 

• Forget yourself and go to work. 

You get the overall theme here right?

I was raised by parents who valued kindness and humility. My dad always reminds us to be and to stay humble. When I got out of high school, my boyfriend broke up with me, my mom had cancer, and my grandfather died from cancer. I was going through a lot and the phrase “Forget yourself and lose yourself in service” stuck with me. That was when I decided and had the burning desire to serve a LDS mission. I served with my whole being and my whole heart and forgot myself. It was rewarding. I forgot about my problems and my trials and compassionately loved those who I’ve met on the mission. Coming home from the mission, I still had this mentality. Whenever I found myself sunk into my own problems, I would want to serve others to forget about those problems and at least humble myself to know that my problems are actually not that bad. These concepts and strategies that I practiced did work for me, but only up to a certain extent. It trained me to be a loyal person and literally lose myself in serving others. This is where I began to see the flaw of what I thought to be true, but needed to be rethought. 

In my last serious relationship, I thought by making Adolfo happy, that it would’ve made me happy. Clearly, I was not my happiest. Maybe I was happy temporarily? I lost myself serving him, but LITERALLY lost myself where I could no longer recognize who I was anymore. When he had asked me to have deeper conversations with him about what interests and hobbies I had, I drew a blank. I didn’t know anymore and I just couldn’t stimulate it in my mind or body to bring it back. I was so deeply lost in the relationship and I was far off from who I was before. That is the flaw. That is the misinterpretation that I made.

It is important to lose yourself in service. It is important to forget yourself and go to work, but it is also VERY IMPORTANT to remember WHO you are and what you stand for before going out there and putting all your time and attention on another living soul.

“True happiness comes only by making others happy when you are happy yourself.” It is important to be happy yourself, before you lift them up with you. Yes, you can make them happy by feeling sad with them in a way to show that you care and love them. That’s part of discipleship—to mourn with those that mourn and to bear another’s burden. Love makes people happy. Show that love to them!

The people we love eventually will become our purpose in life. They should give you a good purpose to live and to love. Even if they reject your service, remember what God’s purpose is for you and for all of His children to be here on earth. Lose yourself and FIND YOURSELF. Lose yourself in doing what you are uncomfortable doing (there is no growth in the comfort zone) and find yourself reaching your potential in becoming more like our Savior. That is what brings HAPPINESS. Becoming like Him and bearing fruit of selfless service and ministering.

Forget yourself, and go to work? Forget your negative thinking, the lame excuses, and your natural man fighting your spirit. Go to work and let the Spirit have control over your body. We are spiritual beings going through earthly experiences. Remember who you are and go to work. Share that knowledge with others.

This is what I understand now. Self-love is real. Not the conceited type, but really the compassionate type of love. Love yourself enough to be strong to go out and to lose yourself in taking care of those who are dealing with heavier stuff. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts. Love ya’ll.

One thing I did that surprised Adolfo was how I could predict and already know exactly what he would want or say in most situations. Sometimes when I write out my blog posts, I do the same and think about what Adolfo could say to defend himself and to put me down. It’s scary and painful for me to do. But then I had to realize that I was only doing it to myself. 

Thoughts: “He would totally defend himself on every sentence that I’ve said and say that I’m being dramatic.” 

Fact: He didn’t say anything because he didn’t read any of this. lol.

I was allowing my thoughts to become destructive and creating it all in my head. He wasn’t actually doing any harm to me while I write out these blog posts. I was just imagining it. I am in my safe zone right now, expressing everything I feel and think without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. And if he somehow discovers my blog, oh well. This is for me and for my sanity, my healing. Thoughts are not facts, dearies. They are just ideas. Remember what the facts are and remember that you CAN control your thoughts from hurting you.

I told a friend how crazy it is to forget everything then when the time comes right when you fully rotate around the sun from since it happened, the memory rushes back to you. Last Thanksgiving, I got into my first fight with Adolfo. It was only 2-3 weeks after officially getting into a relationship, then we had our first hiccup. I said something without thinking and with absolute regret. That night, I went home knowing that we were feeling unsettled with what had happened. But Adolfo was tired and wanted to sleep. As for me, I could not sleep. I can never go to sleep angry or knowing someone was angry at me. I had told him that, but it didn’t matter enough to him. The light from his phone had always given me headaches where he could barely stand texting me any longer. I had let him have it his way. I woke up the next day eager to make it up to him. I made him pancakes for breakfast and once he had woken up, I drove over to his house. I let him eat and I watched him eat as we sat on his living room floor. Once he had finished eating, I had burst into tears and apologized. I knew that I had said a hurtful sentence, but recognized that I said them without any intentions. It just came out and he held it against me that night before. He let me cry and tried to calm me down by saying over and over again, “Tranquilta” (Calm down in Spanish). He told me that he sometimes just needs space to cool off, forget what happened, say “te quiero”, and then forgive. I just remember feeling so bad and tired from not being able to sleep the night before. Just before I knew it, it was just the first type of nights of many that I would experience more in our relationship. 

Many times whenever we disagreed, especially towards the end of our relationship, I have been pushed to go to sleep feeling at fault and as if he was angry at me. So many nights, he’d asked me to leave him to sleep because he couldn’t take the screen light anymore. So many times have I babied him in always giving him what he wanted. Never have I cried so much and blamed myself in a relationship as much as I have like this one. At some certain degree, I had allowed him to manipulate me emotionally, physically, and even financially. I don’t think he even realizes it and that is okay. I think what matters at this point is that I realize it and from realizing it on my own, I can set my boundaries and protect myself from it happening again.

Whew, for the past few weeks, I’ve been struggling to understand why this memory didn’t turn out to a lesson. But I think I had just found my lesson. I need a man who can be kind to me and hopefully take my kindness not to his advantage and to feed his pride, but instead as a blessing to soften his heart and feel love.

Two holidays down. A few more to go. Doing good so far!

I thought about this about maybe a month or two ago. For the first time I had realized that I had reached a point in my life where I became one of those people that arrived at the tree of life, partook of the fruit, and felt ashamed. I felt ashamed for what I knew to be right and could bring me eternal joy. Where I had failed was to allow the influence of those (or a specific individual) to think that what I was doing was silly and something to be ashamed of. I felt that. I was that type of person.

This makes me evaluate every friendship and relationship that I have and had. Do my friends come with me to the tree of life and enjoy partaking of the fruit together? Or do they mock me for even approaching the tree or reaching out for the fruit? Do I want friends who mock me for doing something of greater worth and joy?

What kind of friend am I for those around me? Do I mock them or do I encourage them to do what I know to be true and to bring them everlasting joy?

I hope to be that kind of friend. The kind of friend who you can rely on to never lead you astray. One to encourage you to do what makes you happy, yet respects your agency.

I hope to have friends who can do the same. Not the kind of friends who mock me for my righteous desires and habits.

Repost from the Prodigal Daughter, Alicia

Friend, how you treat your Judas says a lot more about where you are in your walk with God than how you treat your faithful Peter or beloved John.

Jesus could have easily exiled, exposed, embarrassed, or even eliminated Judas altogether, and yet instead He chose to extend mercy, love, and grace - even to a known enemy in His own camp that He knew would betray Him. Even dined with him and washed his feet among all the others. I believe we could all take something away from that.

There's this quote I love that says, "It's the people that irk you the most that God will use to grow you. Truth be told, you won't learn how to love well if you only love loveable folks."

Dear, I cannot begin to tell you how many people God has revealed to me how they really felt about me, and I never made an open fuss about it. I continued to love them and some of them God naturally removed from my life for a reason and I am grateful for that; and others, I still love upon them even as they secretly have set themselves against me and rival.

Jesus shows us that love truly is without conditions. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Yes, betrayals hurt. Gossip hurts. Lies hurt. Slander hurts. Persecution hurts. Double-minded "friends" hurt. But instead of looking at an offense as an attack against us, let's try our best to see these moments as another opportunity to serve God and glorify Him by being an example of His love. Love them anyhow. We fight not against flesh and blood.

And am I saying be a doormat with no boundaries? Absolutely not. I'm encouraging you however to choose your battles wisely and don't ruin your witness if it can be avoided. Sometimes God is trying to do something bigger than you through you. Don't try to get even. That's not your job. Remember, it was Judas' own guilt in the end that drove him to eliminating himself. ♡

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"And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful." {Luke 6:33-36}

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven."

{Matthew 5:43-45}

"To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” {Romans 12:20}

"Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing." {1 Peter 3:9}

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you" {Luke 6:27}