Chonko

I'm proud of this small achievement that I've made today, as I have struggled to read for the longest time. So, finishing a book for the first time genuinely made me feel a bit proud of myself despite being a small thing; because it's the small things in life you gotta learn to enjoy.

As of recently, some drama in my friend group happened and i feel like it put a split between my mind and the others.

It made me realize that my apathy and emotional numbness is making me pissed off at everything that my friends do, even if its just a small thing that shouldn't matter at all. And i have no solution, nor a friend that can understand me to comfort me. It's fucking torturous.

Im honestly just hoping that its because i haven't properly taken my medication in awhile due to my shitty sleep schedule. As long as im able to just exist without feeling pissed off all the time at everything my friends do, then i'll force myself to live.

I was about to go and write my empty feelings then post it, until one friend replied. It instantly made me feel better when it was just them saying they just woke up and will hop on soon.

I still wanted to share how i felt, i honestly dont know why because the major sense of emptiness and void is lighten to where i dont feel the desperation to write here. But, i feel a sense of...duty? Im not really sure.

As of recently, I suddenly locked the hell in. I started crocheting to where im almost finished with my current project, and started writing my indie show so much more that i could actually see this project posting being finished, unlike in the past where i felt completely hopeless.

After a mentally laborious day of writing from the moment i woke up, to when my mother came back home with KFC that evening. But i did not eat, i simply wanted to continue writing and i still dont know why i suddenly started writing more. It confuses me because i felt incredibly empty inside despite having a productive day (which is what i always want) where i made significant progress on my project that i feel will be life changing, if successful.

I felt so unfulfilled to where i realised how my brain felt today, and these other days too. Simply apathetic.

Perhaps thats one of the reasons why i wanted to keep writing and crocheting, to distract and bury my mind in work. Because when i eventually was forced to give my mind a break and finish my work today, I felt so fucking lonely. I felt desperate to go and find a friend to talk to; there was no one that was available to even hear the cries of my mind. Let alone anyone to comfort me.

I feel like I'm going to fail. But at the same time i feel like everything is going to change, im not sure for the better or the worse, but hopefully the former.

I’ve randomly started writing much more, at least more than usual. It feels weird, it still doesnt feel like I actually enjoy writing. Albeit, i haven't felt like i enjoy anything as of recently.

I started watching this analog horror series from the ‘’Glendale Archives’’. Its about a man who lives in a world where everyone is dead, I assume. And its full of monsters called ‘’Nester’s’’.  It doesnt seem like an all too interesting series, but only 30 mins in; has it made me resonate so much with this dude who i feel too relatable too.

I feel scared, i feel lonely whenever i havent talked to anyone within a few goddamn hours, i feel like a failure thats going to continue spiral down because they can never keep up due to their mental illness. And i still feel so goddamn numb inside.

But i continue to fucking try, i keep on going and going despite wanting to give up. I continue to walk in this empty land where i feel there is nobody when i am surrounded by plenty. I have walked so far to where my feet is tender and the soles of my shoes are shaved to the bones, yet nobody cares to help because they cannot see the underside of my shoe, or lack the blood trails i have endured to spare any comfort on the same plane of suffering i have. Simply, neither of us can relate.

No matter how far i have walked, no matter how many mouths and ears i have spoken or heard, no matter how much i have given or gained will change, unless i make it to the finish line and finish writing this goddamn indie show i have planned. Until then, i simply am still at the start of the race.

But, at least its quiet. I still sometimes think, maybe its better if i was in a war full of bloodshed; because i would at least be noticed. Even if it was just for a moment.

Cant believe that analog horror series made me all melancholic.